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onsdag 25 mars 2015

Ingis World of Friends

I've presented sixth of my green world sites so far and if you've paid attention they were about my home under the rainbows, and the concept of family and loving mothers, and then all my children. Each one of these sixth sites are linked up to one site each that belongs to my blue sky sites and this site about friendship is the last one that has such a link, as there are only seven blue sites. The reasons for that is for me to know and for you to not get to know, as I don't feel like mentioning it. So this is the last one with a link, and if you go and look it's linked to my site about ladies. I'm a lady of course, so when I'm looking for friends I tend to look for others, as you play best with likeminded people. I like kind and cheerful people, who both is close to their emotions and have hearts that lifts them up and will not let them fester in longtime anger and plot revenges. My policy is to leave behind those that don't live up to my standards, instead of trying to destroy them, like some sociopaths would. That's not my style. Once I've identified a bad friend I will ponder over what happened, and why it happened, but eventually I will leave all such worries in the past. For a short while I might be really obsessed over a betrayal, but that is the best way to mourn the loss of a loved one. To go straight through hell and come out from the purgatory as a wiser being. 

There are no shortcuts to understand the many different kinds of human like people there are out there, as some might not be quite human at all. Some are even quite nasty. So if you wish to visit this friendship site you should click here - Ingis World of Friends. This site began it's present configuration after I'd been part of a friendship group called Friends Near Your Heart, that a very charismatic and enthusiastic lady had started. Everyone seemed to adore her, so much that one woman, definitely not a lady, set me up so she'd start doubting me. The founder was totally positive and inspiring at the start and I was a bit overwhelmed over her instant best friends attitude. She tried to help me get friends to my own group and managed to get this member of hers to join my group too. I thought they both were just darlings, but now I know the other one only joined out of jealousy. She unsubscribed shortly after joining, and lied to my new friend that I'd banned her and been really nasty to her. All made up shit, as nothing had went on at all. I'd not written a word to her and her leaving was just as big surprise to me as to my new friend. But the trick worked and my new friend also left my group, dead upset over how cruel and nasty I'd treated her poor other friend. 
I will now tell you what the lovely, charming new friend I'd thought I was so blessed to have found was called. Her name was Celine. I will always be thankful for her trying to help me out and I do hope she's just as innocent as I was to the mess that other friend of hers manage to do. Celine seemed to totally trust that other friend, who I now realize was great at acting like the eternal victim. The more I've read up about narcissism, the more I can pin her down as a covert malignant narcissist. That's cause the coverts always use pity and loyalty to manipulate others and this cruel woman was obviously smithen by the charming and beautiful Celine. Well, everyone was, I'm sure. Celine let a nice brittish woman take over her group Friends Near Your Heart, but her health was very poor and I think the group was then transfered to another and it died. That broke my heart as it was such a beautiful thought she'd had when starting the group, but dear Celine seems more like an intense butterfly, then like the oak tree that patiently waits for hundreds of years, while growing to it's full strenght and beauty. However beautiful a butterfly is, it's shortlived and will swiftly burn out it's little spark of life and move on. So did Celine, both with groups on the net and in private.

There is not much to say really about this original group, as I've forgotten most of it, which wasn't anything spectacular. I don't like idle chatter or meaningless sharing and most groups tend to be that way and I just don't fit in them. I rather create a solid, stationary website with the theme I want to delve into, then waist my energy on chit chat. I still have six mailinglists, but I rarely use most of them. There are two lists for my Green World, one actually called that as it's made for updates on my green sites and also for things concerning my main group Magnolia Lane. The other list is for my PSP-class, my creative group, which first was intended for poems only, but then expanded to other creativity too. All the gifts I show here have been firstly created on this group and posted there. It's a very silent list still, and is mostly used to post graphics on, and nothing else. I prefer it that way and whenever I've in later years joined a group it's been very reluctantly and just for a specific issue, so not too much chatter. The other PSP-group I was on a couple of times however housed a few rude women and also the second time I was on it a narcissist manipulator. That's the reason I don't like these groups as they attracked very malignant people, who like to first befriend the leaders, then make them start witch burning campaigns.
Every group on the net have had it's own little click of insiders, and if you'd make the mistake you mattered to them, you'd made a huge mistake. The bigger the group, the less you mattered. Your only purpose was to do as you were told, make graphics, websites, or sign guestbooks. If you worked hard enough your reward would be a graphic or to stay on the group. Sometimes the graphics were lovely, but in most cases they weren't. So the point of working your butt off for others and get crap didn't appeal too much to me, when there was no chance of becoming part of the group of friends. This conclusion I came to in the early years of the new millennia, and shortly after that all these groups seem to go away by itself. The clicks of friends seemed to end in arguments and infightings. Even groups with names of angels, compassion, and other sweet sounding words did this. Just gone! The PSP-group I was part of two times actually was the remains of one such angel group that felt like they were compassionate, while they used their hirarchy to top rule the rest of us. Not very compassionate if you ask me, and the way I was treated in the PSP-group the two times I was in, was neither in any way compassionate.

That's why I realized that women like to use fancy words to hide behind, while they in reality just want to control others and feel important themselves. The more talented women they let be part of their inner circle to make all the beautiful work and lure in victims, like myself, who was looking for female friends online. There were a few of these creative ladies I really admired, but then there were a few that were just controlling and rude. You would had thought that the woman running their PSP-class was the best of them all, when coming to PSP and creative work, but the truth was that she sucked. She was however sure on herself and felt she could tell who's work was better then the others. Of course she was right in many occasions and at first she was so very nice to me I thought she was my friend. But everytime another member started badmouthing me, she was quick to believe the gossip. So that woman was not a lady either, despite what I'd hoped for, as you are not easily swayed to attack or put down your friends, if you are indeed a friend yourself. Not just by the twisted words by a deciever and word magician. I truly believe those nasty covert narcissists are that - magicians of words.
Let's talk about the gifts I've made for this site. On the top here I show you one of my own creations I made with the help of a few tubes the woman leading that other PSP-group had provided us. I put two of the tubes together and made a frame for the new image. It's the same story for the second gift, as I did the very same with that one, but added a cute flower tube she'd provided aswell. The third and the fourth gifts are both made using tutorials and I think I made them in my own PSP-group, after I've left the other group. Or rather I was tossed out after a covert narcissist had made out to the leader that I was upset with her, after she'd written to me and said that the leader was going to be very upset with me for putting the second sky colour suggested behind a vector graphics, instead of the first one. She herself had several times put backgrounds behind images were none were suggested atall, so her assumptions the leader would take particular offence with my error was both mean and unfair. Still, I did suggest that I'd re-do it as soon as I could, but instead she wrote a nasty mail about me to the leader, about how angry I was with her, so I was deleted from the group. Just a week earlier the leader had written to me that I was a top pupil, her favorite. So it's obvious why I had to go.

Ever since 2010 I've not belonged to any such women's groups anymore and I even posted on everyone of my sites that people should stop inviting me to them. Now my guestbooks do not work anymore, after Dreambook closed down, so I don't have to worry about getting such invitations anymore. Everyone is on Facebook or elsewhere today, and nobody visits private sites. I don't know were all the creative ladies went, but my guess is that either they are painting in real life or they are posting like everyone else on Facebook and such places. Perhaps this isn't anything people want to do anymore either, as those doing it ten years ago was either just doing a little on the side of their jobs, or they were quite old already. Many really good graphics creators I met back then was in the mid 60's, so they'd be like 75-80 now or even older. If they are still alive, as many were also severely ill and I know alot of very nice ladies that are not here with us anymore. That was the kind of people that had the time to play in groups, those that were disabled, but had help with their living so they could spend time playing with their computers. After 2008 that got worse as most with such pleasant lifestyles were found in the States.
During that time I ran accross many more sites and creative women, then only those in the women's groups. I found quite an number of younger women here in my own country and nearby, but then I noticed also those went away. I miss their work so much, but I understand that they had to grow up and stop playing with graphics. They were so very talented and they used to share all their great work for free on the net. Perhaps new talents took over or that kind of work went out of fashion and new kinds took over. I think if I'd looked I'd found a flood of new talents, but somehow you seem to love the first ones you fall in love with, forever. I've posted alot of others work that I really liked on all my sites, and a few friendships awards I've recieved too. All those friends are gone missing now and I never recieve anything more from them. I think alot of people with websites here in my country used to be friends and I only got to know a few of them a little bit. It seemed like most of them really didn't accept me, while a few were really kind a cheerful until one day I didn't hear from them again. There was really not an honest communication ever, like writing back and forth, with almost all of them, and it's easy for me to count those that did write anything personal to and fro.

So this site is not really that much about internet friends as it was from the start, so I changed it to include extended family more, and I put up my celebration pages for relatives on it. For many years I made lots of birthday sites to many relatives and they were all here before, but then I took a few away after I realized that a few of these people are not my friends despite that they logically ought to be, as I've always been a good friend to them. But this planet is filled with lies, deception and backstabbing people who hate you for the most weird and illogical reasons. Or atleast I don't have a clue. One clue I however have picked up in my life is smear. Like I mentioned above there are malignant, nasty, envious people in our mist, alot of them other women, who use smear to put those they envy down. The reason there is no point in trying to reveal these monsters is cause as soon as they've been caught smearing you, everyone has heard their side of the story already. Nobody wants yours. If you'd try to reveal the truth everyone will look upon your revelations as proof of all the lies your smearer has been telling about you. That's how evil and devious female bullies are, you see. They tell their tales so they are the poor victims of you, so when you try to show the world how nasty they are you come out as the bully they claim you are!
Most of my life I've had one or two really close friends and today I must say that the closest friends I have are my husband and my oldest brother. Another one that is very close to me is my oldest daughter, as she was the one child that I could talk to and apart from a period in her later teens when she didn't feel like I was much to talk to, we've always talked. However, we can tend to get a bit intense as we are also very emotional both of us. But she's the female I now talk to about matters the most, even if I don't talk that much with her anymore. Her younger sister has never liked to talk about "boring" subjects so there is not much meaning in pursuing that road, even if we love each other dearly. Another child I can talk to is my oldest son, so all in all it seems like I have two children that I can be somewhat friendly to, or talking to, which is why you have friends. I think that is pretty amazing and I do hope that once my younger two are fully grown they too one day can talk to me more. Friends do not have to be people outside of your family, as sometimes the best friends are people you are related to. I used to be friends with relatives in my family of origin too, as I mentioned, but now there is only one left that I am a friend with as the rest turned out to not be my friends at all. 

It's like this with friendships that are ended, that outsiders never understand why you brake up. They tend to think you were overreacting and that nothing is that bad. I tell you that if I brake up a friendship with someone they've done pretty horrible things for quite along period of time. I'm the kind that rather swallow the shit then make a big row about it. And then I try to forget and move on. That's how I've been with my family of origin for 50 years, until they just had to go over the top and totally fuck with me in the most horrible and cruel manor they could come up with. I will not go into all the shit they did here, but I tell you that if I was supposed to eat that shit too and not stand up for what I knew was right I would not have any self dignity left. I'd feel like a shithead, a lying, pathetic cow, for the rest of my life, if I'd not stood up for what was right and true at that moment. I've watched them rob me and my children out of so much money for so long, but this was not right. I could not let them do this again, with so much money, when I knew and they knew that I've hardly gotten anything all these years, compaired to them. And now I knew they wanted to oppose our fathers last will, just to screw me and my children over one last time.
That's the reason they are now spreading their own smear about me to all our extended family and friends. What I've heard their tale is that I'm jealous cause father gave them houses and I want to steal those houses from them. And then they add alot of sob stories to that tale about how I'm having a hate campaign about them, particulary one about the sister who showed me the proof that her house was never a gift from father to her at all. She must had showed it to me to create all this conflict, while she at the same time had been telling everyone that she was so affraid I was going to fight her over the house. I'm sure she's been telling people that I've been jealous about that house, while in truth I believed her and never thought about it. Until she showed me the proof, after father died, that she'd lied to me all these years. First I thought she might not had lied all the time, only in the beginning, as the paper was made four years after she'd begun spinning her story about her getting the house from father. So at first I thought she must surely had stopped saying that after the paper was made in 1996, and that it was only our mother who'd been telling that story after that time. That was what I thought in 2012, when I read the paper, and what I thought until my sister lied the year after.

That's when I knew she was never my friend and I deleted everything about my sister on this page. Up till that day, when she lied about her showing the paper, denying it, I'd believed she deep down was my friend for life. That was one of the most cruelest waking ups I've ever had, and it took quite awhile to get the feeling of sick to go away, the nauseating sick feeling that is. It's like the wife who's believed her husband was faithful all those years and then suddenly finds out he's had a mistress for years. It's a shock to realize that someone you choose to trust is really not a person worth that trust. I would say that of all betrayals I've encountered in my whole life this one by my sister takes the top score. Nobody else in my life has done something so horrible to someone they owe so much to, and ought to care so much for what that person thinks of them. It just does not make any sense to me that you'd do that, until I read up on personality disorders and there was the only answer. A normal person, without any drug problems, would cherrish the love of their closest kin too much to do such a thing, but a person without a conscience, no remorse, no lasting sentimental feelings for neither mothers or other caregivers, she would not care who she toss under the bus.
The purple gift with the grapes and the wine glass is from my last birthday page for my sister. When I see that gift it makes me really sad, as it reminds me of how selfish and void my sister truly must be. While I made her a big birthday basket on her 30th birthday, driving around with my four little ones to find everything to put in that basket for her, she bought a cheap rubbish stick in the ugliest vase ever for my 40th. Of course she pitched in with half the cost for a massage, but gave herself also one. A whole one. The webpage I made for her while my grandson and daughter was in hospital fighting for his little life, as I could not go to my sisters birthday party. Even if there hadn't been the issue with my sick and prematured grandchild I had no money. None at all. She didn't seem to understand this and I still don't think she does. So I made her this pretty site instead and wasted time to make it specially for her. When I barely survived to 50, as I'd had a longterm bloodillness that's been too long undetected, she gave me a postcard with a champagne bottle and an empty promise she'd pay a day at the spa with her, if I only came to see her. That sounded very nice, only that both my daughter and mother had told her I didn't want to go to the spa. I even told mother to tell her "over my dead body I did that again".

Still, I didn't broke off cause she obviously is totally insensitive, does not care for what I want, and only want to give me what she likes to do. No, I've seen that my whole life with her that she only cares for her own ideas and therefore ruins things for others. She's not a good friend to anyone, if that is how she treats people, as people want gifts that they've wished for, not something the giver wants. In this respect she's much like her real mother, as that is something she'd do. I am the kind that tries to figure out who a person is, before I buy them a gift. It's not always easy, but I do try. To buy people things you yourself like, and refuse to look who the other is, that is not friendly at all. It's a sign of disrespect. It's even rude. How rude people get away with this behavior and still make you stay as a friend, is cause they make you feel stupid for liking stupid things. They straight out bully you, devalue you and that's the way they keep friends. I don't know if she has friends she's nice to, but only that I was not treated in a nice enough way, and I don't believe I had too high demands. I'd say that careless treatment of your friends is the major reason they decide to stop socializing with the rude person. But rude people most likely don't care when friends they treat badly leave them, as otherwise they'd not treated them so poorly.
What I'm trying to say is that if you notice your friend is starting to treat you worse then before, avoiding you, putting you down, making snidy remarks to you, joke about you with others in hurtful ways or doing anything else that do not feel okey for you, then you should take it as a sign that your friend is not a friend at all. It might be a very cruel way of ending your friendship made by a person who only uses people as friends and then ditch them. However, it happens that a friend starts to behave irritated towards you cause you've hurt them yourself. Many people think they have a right to put down others and treat them like they were stupid just for having opposing opinions on something. That will make the one who actually know much more about a subject very annoyed, particulary when being ridiculed by someone who is brainwashed by media to think a certain way. It's hard to know that you know alot and not being able to communicate all you know in words in a few short lines to a person who's dead set at ridiculing you. If you've treated a friend that way you might not be surprised if they don't like you anymore, so if that is the case you might count on them seemingly withdrawing from you and treating you worse and worse. It's a question with the hen and the egg, who came first.

The first time I got seriously annoyed with my sister was at Christmas 2006. Up until then I've not really lingered onto anything she'd said or done, no matter how annoying it had been. I think she just managed to backstab me too many times starting from that Christmas. It was that event that made me decide to not come and visit her again, as what happened on that visit was so devestating for me that it made me very ill for a couple of weeks afterwards. I never have forgiven her for what she said and how she behaved that Christmas. She more or less tossed me to the dogs. She used me to take all the shit so she could get away without having to take any. It was cowardly and it was something I'd never in a millions years would had done to her, as I've always been on her side and always supported her and had her back covered. But she could clearly see how ill I was, and I had became this ill starting from helping her move three years earlier. Another one bullying me that Christmas was mother, and she knew all about how ill I'd been. But of some reason I didn't expect anything else then nasty betrayal from that bitch, but from my sister I expected far more so that was the event that made me see who she was like and it wasn't me.
Let's talk about the other gifts, as I did mention the purple grapes, which is a creation I made using the paintings of a great artist. The lady with the hat is made from a tutorial and so is the old times graphic with the little children. The pink picture with the 20's girl and the vase with the flowers are also made with tutorials. The victorian lady looking towards the ship is made with a tutorial, although I added a frame and the one below here I played with several tutorials and added them into a whole picture and added a few girls from tubes to the room. Of all the items in that picture I've made the candle in the foreground, the clay pot to the left of the stove, and I've made the stove and the green vases and the whole candlestick between the vases. Then I tried to make it look like a brick wall and a wooden floor and framed the whole thing. At the bottom of this post there is also a tag, which I made using a selection tutorial. That was all the gifts that I've choosen to show here, but there are many more graphics on the site. One thing I have on the site is pages with graphics and poems one can choose to send to a friend. So called friendships cards. 

A friend is someone who listens to you, but also someone who cares what you say. I have a little book about friendship I've had since I was a small child, and I used to read it alot also to my own children. What a true friend is. A true friend is actually more someone who cares about you alot, then someone who only listens to you. Someone who only listens might not like you, and might even use all you say to harm you with it, as by listening they learn all your likes and dislikes, but also about everything that you've been hurt by before. So a true friend is someone who cares to avoid hurting you, and particulary knows how to avoid repeating any old trauma you've already been thrue. A friend is someone who's there for you when you need someone, and that is true. When I've needed a friend I've noticed some people are never there. People I truly thought would be the first to be there, wasn't at all. A friend is someone who looks after you when you are ill, and help you when you are too overwhelmed. Again, I've had to realize that this is not the case, that the people I thought would be there, they were not. So friends have been occasional others in those matters, and in most cases there has only been my husband.
Already when I was very young I was used to not have that many friends, and despite having a few periods I did seemingly have many they were never that close and eventually I kind of realized that I'm more of a loner then a person with friends. I like to have friends, but it becomes too painful to go through one betrayal after another so atlast I deceided to stop trying so hard to have friends. If a friend would come it was ment to be, otherwise I will just hang out with people I meet and be friendly to them. I truly believe you can be a friend for a day, and make a difference. If you try to cling on to people and have expectations you are bound to be disappointed. In some way or another they will betray you, atleast by believing lies and fictions some malignant toxic person made up. It never fails and that is my greatest fear with having friends, as that is so hurtful whenever it happens, that someone you thought knew you believe utter crap about you. Today there are ex-friends out there who became my ex-friends cause they believed such foul lies about me. To imagine that a person who might have known me for decades, almost a lifetime, can put trust in the most horried smear about me, and still be considered to ever have cared for me or been my friend is ridiculous. Of course such a person was never my friend.

So the conclusion with friends is that it's better to have a few you can trust, and who truly trusts you and wont believe crap about you, then to have many that only use your friendship and help, but don't care for you and don't believe in you really. Fake friends is worse then straight out open enemies, as you will trust them and tell them things they can use against you, so they are the worst. The only way to know who's a real friend and who's a fake friend is to put them through the process of listening to smears and lies about you. A true friend would listen to your side of the story before judging you, while a fake friend would not care for a word you had to say in your defence. You are judged by the slander they've heard and might in many cases help out to slander you more just to gain popularity with the one slandering you. A true friend would listen to reason, look at facts and would not let themselves be smithen by sweet words and popularity. Actually some of the most canneving people are very nice, sweet and seemingly caring. It's cause you catch more flies with honey and alot of bullshit then you do with being straight and honest. People like to be charmed and that's why friends are hard to come by. Also most people already have friends, so the ones still searching might be those butterflies, that never can settle down. The oak trees have already choosen long time ago.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane