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torsdag 11 december 2014

Ingis World of Magdalena

This is my third blog about my green world webpages. The first one was about my home Lyckebo and the second one about mothers and families. This one will be about my oldest daughter Magdalena and her son Vincent, but I will talk about really anything I feel like right now. This is the link to the page - Ingis World of Magdalena. The site has a few under pages linked to it with different themes. There is one about Vincent, starting before he was born and still inside Magdalenas belly. He was born too early and stopped breathing two times while still in hospital. So he really gave us a scare. He is born with a few mutations that had us very worried to start with. One is at his heart and the doctors wanted to operate on the poor baby, but we didn't want them to as that is very traumatic for an infant. He seems to do fine with his breathing now and can swallow his food alright, so now they are not talking about that anymore. Now they are more concerned about his brain damage, which most likely caused him to stop breathing when new born. He needs alot of training to strengthen his back and legs and I look forward to help him more with that as it's quite fun to cheer him on. 

It's such a blessing for all of us to have Magdas little boy with us and whatever will happen I'm sure he'll make the best of everything. He's such a happy boy and so many just take to him instantly. You just want to hug him and love him and he shows that he likes you back by patting you like you were a dog. It's quite fun, how he likes to show his affection that way, and he even says he's patting them. That is cause when he was tiny he liked to hit you instead, so we taught him to be kinder and more gentle in his touch. I could go on forever about my little grandson, as I find him utterly wonderful. He might not be the most perfect child on earth, but to me he is. He has a brother nowdays and he lives with his new dad and old mom in the new dads house. Every second week his new brother lives there too and they are almost in the same age. Magdalena is still at university but will be done next year, and then she hopefully gets a great job and the family can get their own dream house, as they are only renting a quite boring house from the 60's right now. I do hope they will move out to the country side where they can have dogs and cats. At the moment two of Magda's cats lives with me, and one lives with her brother Zak. 
There are many more pages on my site about Magdalena, then those about Vincent. There are pages with angels and fairies and unicorns too. Even a few older pages with Magda and her first boyfriend and their tiny smelly mice. She has made a few graphics, when she was a teenager, that I have added to this site too. I don't hardly write anything about her on the site however as I don't want to embarrass my children too much with my ramblings. I like more to express my feelings through the graphics and pictures so each one is given to a certain child of mine for a reason. As my daughter is romantic and would love to marry one day I gave her the first graphics on top. It's made from a tutorial. The second one I made myself with a picture I fell in love with. The girl with the balloons made me think about Magda. She's a bit sad and wild, but also pure and innocent. The balloons symbolizes all her dreams, all the things she wants to do. 

Below are a graphic reminding me of her days loving gothic themes and vampires. The black hair and the blood red colour with the white and pale skin is all a reminder of those past days. It is done with a tutorial and when I found the graphic with the gothic girl I just had to make it for Magda. At that time she was still into this style, but by now it's all gone away and you would not even think she ever was anything like a goth girl. She's tanned and her hair has grown long and brown, with natural waves, and she rarely wears any make-up anymore. She's become very natural and very much alive since she had her son three years ago. At that time she was not sure if she'd managed, but since then she's grown alot, taken her drivers licens, moved away from home to a flat of her own, found a new boyfriend and moved in with him after a years of dating. They took it slow as they both had rushed it before and having both small children they wanted to be sure. Both boys call them mom and dad and seem to concider them their real parents by now, as they are there for them every day. The brother is with his real mom every second week, but he still is more acting like my daughter is his mom. Perhaps cause she's more acting like a mom.
Long time ago, when I was younger, I used to complain about things that bothered me alot more then I do now. I've been thinking about those days and that I used to be the same when I lived at home with my parents. But after I moved away from home I was not doing that as much, and I have wondered why. The thing is that when I lived at home we were quite many people in my family and there was alot of bullying going on. Thinking back I remember mother bullying my oldest brother most, but she also made alot of put down remarks to father in a high pitch annoyed tone, filled with ridicule. I remember hating that voice and really doing all I could to never be on the recieving end of it. But now and then she could turn it on me. I used to talk alot to my best friend about all things at home, that really bothered me, and I am sure she got sore ears by hearing so much bullshit. Lately I have realized it was alot of gaslighting and other bullying techniques used in my household, that made me really upset. At the same time alot of nasty kids at school tried to bully me, but I mostly ignored them. My best friend however didn't know how to, but somehow I had learnt how to pretend to be deaf towards bullies.

There was a few years I didn't hate living at home, starting when both my brothers moved away from home. I think it was all down to the bullying. Father used to talk alot to the boys too, and they were all so selfimportant that they seemed to not see anyone else. My oldest brother always talked alot and very loud, which was very exhasting. Now and then he and his brother, the second child, would start rowing and even fighting. The second brother knew all the buttons to push, whenever he felt like it. Mother loved to throw gaz on the fire, if she saw the arguing. So that's a big reason I felt a huge relief when they were gone. Atlast I could be seen and someone else then my baby sister might hear my voice speak. So in those years that followed it was better. Not perfect, but better then the 9 years before that. The years before I had a baby sister to look after all the time was more fun, cause I was free to do what I wanted. And the school days were not that long. So after I turned about 18 and the next four years I grew alot, the less I had to live with selfimportant boys. My second brother was not that loud, but so very important he almost would pop like a balloon, so much air he seemed to have blown up his ego with.
The thing was that mother rarely spoke that much to me as I lived at home. After the boys went away she was mostly nice to me and let me go on with my own stuff. I helped out alot and did housework and made food for me, my sister and mother quite often. Father never would even taste anything I made, which was quite rude, I thought. Alot was good and did taste very well, but he always had some excuse to not even take a bite. When I was finally going to move away in a short while granny came to visit, but that was one of those awful gaslighting experiences I've had with my mother. My second brother was there too, and he was not as obnoxious as he'd been when living at home, I thought. I remember we both came inside and saw mother making fish and potatoes, which was something neither of us ever had seen. But we both understood with a glance at each other, that mother wanted to impress granny and making it out as she was this good housewife, cooking for her children and guests. So we started to make the table, when granny started yealling at us as if we'd been really naughty. It turned out that mother had told our granny that we were lazy users who would never lift one hand to help her out with all the housework.

The accusations were mostly towards me and they were quite unfair and cruel, as it was usually me doing the cooking and mother just sitting around. But granny had heard another compleately different sob story from mother. To this day I feel that this was some kind of sick revenge from my mother, to punish me for wanting to move away. In the twisted way a narcissist would handle things as I was accused of having over stayed my welcome in the home. The thing is that father was the one paying for everything, and mother didn't pay anything and rarely helped out with any housework. She mostly did the complaining and teasing and the putting down of father. Now as the oldest son, the one she constantly remarked was alike his father, was no more at home she had only her husband to put down. But oddly enough she'd been quite quiet with that too for awhile, and then this assault on me, out of the blue. I had been working since dawn at the factory and had just come home to hear how lazy I was. Normally I ate something after the work and then I went out to run for 10 km over the country side. I was nothing like anything lazy, as she had granny believe.
For a few years me and my second brother talked about this stunt mother pulled on us, but then one day he had forgotten. He had totally forgotten the whole thing and it was like he had been switched with someone else, someone less nice, as he'd been quite nice for awhile. To aknowledge mutual experiences make you bond and like another person, so him denying our past of course made me feel him being less nice. Anyways I move away shortly after that and I rarely spoke to mother for many years, as I rarely had done when home. But at home she did always have a chance to gaslight me like that and smear me and scapegoat me, like she loves to do to those she's bullying for the moment. So I remember that I complained less and felt more selfassure. The biggest mistake I've ever made is that I let my mother come into my life as I also became a mother. The older I got the more we spoke. I can't hardly remember us speaking when I was a child, but now when I was married and a mother she talked to me about how terrible husband my father had been, and how hard she knows it is to be a mother, as she'd been that too. Looking back she made it all so dark and gloomy, like it was not the most wonderful thing ever happening to me, but a great burden to bare.

That is why I believe I wasted so many years complaining, cause I was speaking to her about all the goings on and everything she made into either a big huge mess I needed to fix, or she ignored as if it was of no importance. The things needing to be fixed might just be minor little things I had said of no particular reason, or it might be things that bothered me and I needed to vent. Either way she made me feel even more guilty and heavier then before I said anything, and many times I regretted telling her things. The things that was ignored was the most precious and dear matters to me, like suspecting to be pregnant again or actually having mangaged to, or anything else that made my heart jump of joy. I remember sharing many such things of great concern, that was of the more dire nature to myself, and she could be just totally uninterested and blank in her respons. Some things was things I was very sad about, that had hurt me for a long time, but could not be fixed in any of the ways she liked to tell me to do things. It might just be a sad feeling over a word that was said, and she could never show any empathy or tell me anything uplifting out of love. Like my feelings did not matter, hence I did not matter. Thinking back I wish I'd not put myself through that treatment, as it affected my children.
The cat with the umbrella above I made from a tutorial and I choose the cat as Magda has a black and white cat. He's longhaired though and he has just moved to her brothers place on the country side. He's just renting it with his girlfriend, but it's very close to were Magda lives, so they took care of her cat as they already has the son to this cat. They also have many more animals I will speak of on another blog. The baby graphics is also from a tutorial and I made it of course cause Magda had a baby at spring time. The lovely couple I made to her with a graphic I just had to give to her. It's both dark and romantic at the same time. The frame is from a very old tutorial. The ram below I made from a tutorial too, but changed a few tubes to go with Magda. I did it for a birthday page of hers a few years back as she's born in April and an Aries. I felt the notes and rose petals was very much Magda, as she's both strong like the ram, but also tender and fragile at the same time. I have been very affraid that my moods when she grew up would had affected her negative, and I so wish I had not waisted so much time being upset and affected by people like my mother. It's like if you have such a mother you are a magnet to more nasty women in your life.

The difficult thing about having such a mother, and granny to your children, is that she can be very nice and you can feel like she's hurting and in pain and all those feelings make you take alot of shit from her. Alot of crazy making gaslighting and sick twisted set ups. It's cause she can be very nice and seem so lost and helpless you think you need to be there for her. If she'd been like me she'd been worried she'd hurt me with all her moods and aggressions and stupid framing she's done. You'd think she was thinking about me and my children and wondering in what way she's behaved to make me finally feel that enough is enough. But she does not. She's not like me and now I do feel like the stupid one for pitying her and thinking it was my duty to help her and be there for her. It was never me or my children she wanted and when she was upset it was never cause we had fallen out, but always something else. I remember loving my babysitter from when I was 4-5 so much, as she got so angry with me for real things I had made in the purpose of upsetting her. I loved her cause I knew it was me, and nothing else, that had affected her this way. I do hope that my daughter Magda knows that I think about her, and I do want her to be in my life very very much.
I want my girl to know that she matters, that when I got angry with her, it was cause she had upset me somehow. It might not have been the best choice of reactions, but I didn't ignore her or not feel anything towards her. My mother seemed to be very jealous on my relationship to my firstborn. When Magda was four I was breast feeding her baby brother, and Magda wanted me to give her something. I thought she was thirsty and told my mother to help her out. To find out what she wanted, if she was thirsty or what. Mother said she would, but took the girl out of the kitchen, into the livingroom. She just kept screaming and it only got worse, so I had to stop feeding the baby and go and ask my mother why she would not comfort the child and help her. Mother said there was no reason behind her screaming, but I finally made the girl take a drink and stop her crying. Four years later my daughter is very upset and she says she's very angry with me for not loving her or caring for her atall. I asked her why she feels this way, what has caused her to believe such horrible things, and she says that I had asked her granny to hit her.

After some kind digging into the hitting story I realized it was that day, when my mother was going to find out what Magda was screaming about. And then I understood why she never had stopped crying. So, all these four years my daughter was under the impression that I had told her granny to hit her. The reason for this is that I had told mother to take care of her, and my mother had translated that in such way that the child was led to believe I had ment to say that mother should hit her. Not in direct words, but indirect. But I never had had the intention of anyone hitting my beloved little girl, and ever after that event she was a handful. She would rage over nothing, toss around things and act out. Our deep connection was broken. That is what a narcissistic mother will do to you, if you let her near your children. She will do something vile to them, and tell them that you put her up to it. She will not think that is wrong of her, but that she is helping you out. If she used to have you physically punished on a whim when you were small, you should never let her near you children. My mother made father spank me alot, when I was just a small little thing, and not once did I know why.
The other week my daughter told me that she remembers that I was always mad at my mother. Hearing that I feel it's such a waste of energy and time, me being angry on a selfish woman, while I could had been joyful with my children. I did have alot of wonderful moments with my children, as mother was not visiting me that often as our house was full of little ones. Thinking back I think the less she was here, the better relationship we had and the more fullfilling did our little walks in the nature feel like. I took my children to other events too, mostly at the time when they were all four born and I didn't work anymore. When the three first were tiny I was mostly stuck at home, but when the forth were born father gave me a car so I could take them places. After a year we moved to where we live now and I took them all to many events and let them test all sorts of things. That's when I got to know alot of other parents, but in the end it was only the children holding us together. One mother, I had a lovely chat with, even informed me she had enough friends already, apparently afraid I'd got the wrong idea out of our nice little talk. I don't think I've ever felt more bewildered in my life. Perhaps that's the way people speak to others where she comes from, but I certainly never been to a place anyone has done that. 

What I found out was that most people originating from this area are like her, though most are not as honest as she was. They think they are better and that they already have all that is needed out of life. Some people say they are inbreeds and narrow minded people. The thing is that I didn't even want to be her friend, I just happen to like to talk to people in a friendly way and leave them with a nice memory. Nothing more, and no strings attached. People like that can travel the world and they will still be like that - affraid to open their hearts. I think it's more important for them to travel then for those who are already open and free. You can travel more inside in your inner mind then you can ever manage to go on this planet. That is the wisdom. Magda is very wise too and I feel that now when I don't take in my mothers energies like before, and I don't waste time to pity her and be angry with her for her unfairness, now I can enjoy and love so much more then I did as a mother. I cannot change that mother ruined the beautiful bond I had with Magda as a little child. We used to love each other so deeply and the connection we had was magical. I truly felt that my mother envied that, and that was the deep reason why she did what she did. She called it helping me, I call it trying to break our bond. If I knew today what I know now I would had reacted differently towards my daughter's anger and rejection. She was hurt by what she thought was true, and that hurt might had defined her.
She was such a cheerful child, so full of mischief and joy. I used to encourage that and she felt seen by me, up until that day mother smacked her face. After Magda had told me this sad truth she forgot all about it, and I think there has been many more things defining her as time went by. If we don't let these destructive people ruin our relationships they cannot do it. It's cause we take it personal and believe it is us being under attack and rejected, while it's the doings of a deciever who tries to put rifts between us. Knowingly or unknowingly. I am leaning towards knowingly as mother says she never hit my daughter, nore tried to hit any other children of mine. Which are all lies, so hence I think she did it on purpose out of jealousy. I feel almost stupid saying that, as that is the idea she's brainwashed me with my whole life, that I am silly believing she's doing stuff I remember her doing. She does not say I am silly for thinking she hit my daughter to break us apart, she says I'm insane for even thinking she has hit any of my children - ever. Which she has and both me and my husband have both stopped her hitting children. Once my husband stopped her from hitting Magda, and later on I stopped her from hitting her babybrother. 

But there is no way of making a person like my mother admit to it being her doing such things, a total waist of time. No amount of evidence would change her stance, as long as she can make others refuse to look and believe you. There is only one thing I really regret and that is to ever let her have anything to do with any of my children. Of all their meetings with her there is not hardly any that has left a positive memory for them. There might have been occations that did not cause them trauma or discomfort, but only barely. Too many times little negative things did happen, small hurts that stuck. Most such little events I never saw myself, but as children grow up they realize that despite their mother forcing them to see their grandma, she did not have anything to do with the choices her mother did about how to treat them. As little children they might think like my Magda, that I was part of it, wanting her to get hurt. But as time goes by they see that I did not know she did that to them. That she was just as cruel to them as she was to me. You tend to think that she was that way to me as it was tiresome being a young mother, and now as a grandmother she will only feel joy the short moments she share with her grandchildren. But such people like my mother will always find children a bother, even on the shortest of meetings. 
The colourful flowers in the green vase I've painted myself with vectors, which is a very useful tool. I added an old frame I did many years ago to the graphic. The baby in the summer field I made from a tutorial and of course I thought about Magda and her baby Vincent when I did it. The girl in the stairway is so Magda I had to make it to her. It's also from a tutorial and I've made my own frame to it. Below is a tractor vector graphics made from a tutorial and added to a picture I made with a house tube and a few other tubes and some painting and a frame. It's like it says to my little grandson Vincent, who just loves tractors. I so wish I could get him a tractor for real. Not only so he could pretend to drive it, but so I could learn and take him on a tour. Just think about it, that no matter if he might have problems walking and running in his life, he could be ever so clever at driving. The look in his eyes when he sees a tractor is pure love. Once we passed the main farm here and the farmers big green tractor stood infront of his barn. Vincent got so upset I would not walk up to the tractor with him and let him pat it. He loves patting anything he likes, like it was little kitties or dogs, but the tractor was on the farmers property. How to explain that to a toddler...

To be a grandmother and to get to know your grandchild, see him evolve and struggle, is a gift. To see your children grow up and stand on their own feet, might feel scary, but also comforting. It gives hope that they will manage without me if they need to, and will have happiness and get to do what they want to in their lives. I only wish they could be so very much more happy then I was, even if I've had moments, trying to hold on to what is the best in life. It is hard though when those who should love and care for you do their best to make you miserable with little stab wounds here and there to always hold you down. I believe I'd been a much better and happier mother if I'd done what my children wanted me to do long time ago and stopped seeing my mother at all. The only child that ever wanted to see her was Magda, and that is quite weird as she's the child mother hit in the face. But my guess it's down to the trauma of the assault, that somehow we need to meet that person and make them change to a kinder and more loving person infront of us. That is the reason I went back and the reason my daughter so long wanted to build a relationship with her grandmother - the need to heal the wound that she had created. But unfortunatly such people are more likely to cause more damage, then heal what they already has damaged.
Now I don't think she has any relationship anymore with her grandmother. The realization that to her grandmother she's not a real person, with real wishes, real dreams and wants, has come to her. Besides, I think she finally realizes that she got me, and even though I might be a bore, and not in any way exciting, with fascinating stories to tell, I do love her and her little boy. Magda got a beautiful family now, with a new guy and his pretty little boy. I like them both and wish them happiness. I do hope Magda will make the right choices and be happy with what she chooses. In many cases we believe that the exciting things are the right things, while they are not. And we might think that the boring things are killing us and making our lives miserable, while they are not. The exciting things might be like christmases, not really real, just dreams that come and go, with gifts and good food one night a year. And the boring things are every other day when there is just ordinary good times. Those days are many so why should they be less then the days that are rare? Christmas is exciting cause it's one day, and that is what happenens to the exciting choices in life too. When you choose them, and they become every day, they are also boring and ordinary like the life we had before.

That is why you can never get the excitement forever, as it keeps slipping through your fingers. Everytime you think you got it, it changes into ordinary and everyday life. It happenes every time with every choice we make. So the question is if this is the life I truly want to have, every day, every week, even when it's boring and ordinary. If I'd choosen to move to a big town and work on a busy business, like I imagined to do when I was in Magdas age, I know that I in the end would had realized it was not what I wanted at all. Today I am grateful that I never got that life, and that in the end I ended up here doing what I did with Magda and her little brothers and baby sister instead. All the little things we did together could had slipped away from me, if I'd choosen to put my children in daycare every day and leave my older children home alone after school. I wonder what kind of people my children would had been if I'd let other people raise them, and not myself. Would each and every one of them been so close to me? Would they know how they are? What kind of trouble could they have ended up in when instead of being with me and dreaming up fantasies and having fun in nature, they'd hung at a school yard till late in the evening with other bored kids. Honestly, I think it's one of the best things a mother can ever have - time to be with her children, and I wish my daughter will have that for hers. 

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

tisdag 7 oktober 2014

Sibling of Narcissistic Brother and Sister

Re-blogged from: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/siblings-of-narcissistic-brothers-and-sisters-you-deserve-to-heal/

This is a very short blog, but important. I've written extensively on these matters and read so much more from others who had the same kind of homes, or worse. Some homes are very violent, full of rage and open insults, while others are more covertly abusive, more unspoken, silent almost. The ways to ignore a child or make her or him suffer seems endless to the perpetrators. Many speak of the importance to constantly lure you back, to play the push and pull game on you, so horrible as it might sound with highly loud and over the top aggressive and ridiculous narcissists in your family, that is almost easier, as it's easier to put up a boundary towards. The creepy kind is those who play the benevolent card, where they act like they do care and are looking out for your, while in reality undermining you. This condition is most common, not that over the top, as drunken, crazy parents beating their children every day would be, but mostly a very hidden away infliction. Actually many of the most highly regarded parents in society are of this kind, hiding their true nature behind closed doors. Their children will become puppets to them, mere extentions of their parents. I will not linger on about this subject as I have written so much before, but this is an excellent piece, short and sweet, and I agree with most of it whole heartedly. It is truly not a lovely place to be, growing up seeing one child deemed as sacred almost, with abilities that cannot be challenged. All the while seeing yourself or a sibling be shredded to pieces for never being good enough, laughed at and ridiculled. 

I have seen that alot in my childhood as I had a brother of both kinds and I believe the play I had with my dolls, that disturbed me so much, came from what I had witnessed. I have recorded that play in swedish on another blog here. In short the mother punished her choosen bad child for any misdeed her choosen good child did. The bad child was yelled at, smashed in the floor and hated. All the while the selected good child smirked in contempt. I hated the "good" child cause of all the pain and hurt it caused the "bad" child, who in my opinion was the truly good child. I looked upon the "good" doll as the truly evil one. In my role as mother I hated the child I knew was good, and adored the one I knew was evil. But as myself I loved the real good child to pieces and could not stand the fake and lying child. When I played that game I was always in a very strong emotional state, crying over the fate of the poor actually good child. I cried and cried after I had played the role of the mother, who'd beaten that child again and again, screaming profantities to it. That is why I think it must had been related to the memories I have of one of my brothers being beaten and also of me being beaten, while the choosen good brother was definitely never. I remember how I contemplated this difference as a small child, how he was never beaten and the only one of us having birthday parties. The exuse I believed in was that he was not ever beaten, whatever he did, cause he was good. And the parties only he had cause as a good child he was the only one with friends. None of that makes sense really, but so did none of any excuses I ever came up with as a child. I don't remember who put the excuses in my head, but I suspect it must had been a grown up. 

I wondered alot about issues like this as a child and my beaten brother has told me he does remember he got beaten once, cause of something everyone knew for sure his brother had done. He could never forget that as it hurt him on a deep level, that it didn't even matter to the parents that they knew he was innocent, he still had to take the blame. This definitely has never ended and that is why this brother to this day believe himself to be a saint, with not faults, while us two others are horrible scumbags. The truth is that is the opposite of the truth. Both of us selected bad children grew up to responsible grown ups trying to do our best, to avoid further guilt shifting by others as well. Neither of us can stand to be dumped others guilt on and we try to carry our own as mature adults. All the while the choosen siblings of ours have both choosen life styles far from ours. Where we've focused on moderation and soberness, taking care of our families and many children, they have fornicated and abused alcohol and had more partners I dare to remember. They have both done what pleased them, travelled whereever they liked and always blaming someone else for their failures or just shoved all under some carpet. There is no way to surely know what they have done, as I most likely only know very little, but the little I know is so much worse then I could ever dream of doing myself. So while they were taught they could do anything, and still come out of whatever mess smelling like pure white roses, us two others were taught to work our hardest to do nothing wrong and always expect to pay for others mistakes anyways. That is what parents like this do to their children, they teach them to be arseholes or scapegoats, and neither is a good lesson to learn anyone.

Here is the blog that made me ponder of these issues: 

Siblings of Narcissistic Brothers and Sisters–You Deserve to Heal

Mother dismisses her other children as inferior. She makes fun of them, tells them they can’t measure up to the chosen child and that she is too drained to listen or do anything for them. These narcissistic mothers have their priorities. The “imperfect” children are treated as servants in some cases. They do the cleaning, cooking, errands. They even pick up after the golden narcissistic child. One of the most painful incessant patterns is that they are constantly compared with the chosen one as inferior, lazy, dumb, ugly, a behavior problem, untalented, socially backward.

Those who survive this nightmare background need to take time to sort out who they really are. It certainly is not what their narcissistic mother projected on to them. That was coming from her dark unconscious. Some of them find that quality psychotherapy helps them acknowledge and experience their pain with a strong therapeutic alliance. Other forms of healing are learning to quiet the mind, gentle yoga and of course the use of your many creative gifts. Self care is the beginning of this process—getting the sleep that you need and deserve, taking time for yourself to use your creativity in every way that gives you pleasure and peace. You are rediscovering your true nature. This process continues throughout your life.

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Some psychologists have said that the worst thing you can do to another human being is not to slap them or beat them up, but to ruin their own self, their trust in their own abilities to know what is real and what is not. Which is what they call "gaslighting" is all about. That is why they call that the worst you can do to another human being. Physical pain you can escape with uncounsciousness or some kind of dissassociation trick many abused children are known to use, where you put your mind outside of your body to avoid to feel the pain and humiliation of the physical abuses. This is also true with sexual abuse, where the children is known to watch it like it's another child that is happening to, as they are not in their own bodies at the time. Those saying split personalites are not possible are all lying, as that is a well known fact this is how it is done. People run away in their minds when bad things happen to their bodies. But when bad things happen to your mind only there is nowhere to run. Gaslighting is used to make people crazy and that is why it's considered one of, if not the worst way of treating another human being. What you do is that you have a few others helping you to con a person into believing he or she is not seeing and understanding reality as it truly is. You can use many more people in this scam then only the ones who truly know what is going on, as you can con others into believing your victim is delusional. This is something that was quite prevelavent in my household growing up, and I quickly learnt there was nothing to be gained to try and convince any in the family of the truth, as the only truth spoken was of their selected golden child or by mother. 

They have played this trick on father for many years to psyche him out totally, as he had a bad heart and much money they all wanted. But as children it was more used to cause minor pains and I remember lots of fights between my brother due to this, as it makes you furious when first confronted with the lies, but eventually it wears you down until you barely find any point in making an issue out of it. I remember more starting telling them plainly they were lying and that if I'd had a recorder of what had been said I could had shoved it in their faces. Funny thing is that now I do have such a recording, but of what I have said, and still they are lying about me saying something else. And I'm sure most believe them as they have been taught they are right, so they look like they are right, while they are gaslighting and lying. I've been talking alot about a major gaslighting trick they pulled on me and caused me to go no contact for good with my golden siblings and mother and anyone siding with them. They truly tried to get everyone, including my husband, on their side to bully me into believing I have gone crazy and was imaging things. No-one has ever been able to gaslight me into believing that ever, as I am a strong spirited person since the beginning, and I do know what I know and I also know when I don't know something. When I am wrong I am quick to change my view on something, but when I know something for sure I will not, no matter how horrible gaslighting and mind fuck they through in my way. 

The worst thing that was thrown at me came from the baby I had raised and taken care of since she was born. I have told alot about that betrayal, so I will only mention what hurt me most and which she of course knew would hurt me most, which was why she accused me of it. Among all the vile and sick things she claimed I was doing towards her and in my general attitude and personality, she claimed I lacked all form of humility. That was the absolutely most vilest of things she could say, as she's the most stuck up tramp you can find, while I am the total opposite. It's like Mount Everest telling a mole hill it's too high, expecting the hill to down size to not hinder the view of the mountain. If you get my parabel. It was a big punch in my belly, a kick on my most soft spot, and she knew it, cause all her teen years she used to mock me for being so humble and having so low self esteem, telling me how you need to lie and make up stuff to get noticed. So telling me I was not humble enough, all of a sudden was actually the worst she could do to me, how stupid it might sound to you, concidering all the nasty things she also said about me. The list was quite long to start with, in her first mails, but it has gotten far longer since then. 

She's been smearing me like I was a huligane, bullying her, haunting her, spreading ill willed rumours about her to all she knows, but also that I have plotted against her with my honest brother, to rob her and lie about her. The list is indeed long and it includes both insanity as extreme ill will and even what I would describe as "conspiracies" against her. The more we learn about her fantasies about me specially, but also about anyone trying to help me or who knows about her lies and can testify against her, the more ridiculous and stupid she sounds. If anyone actually believes her in her gaslighting, which actually means lying, that person should be tested for any signs of intelligence. She lies so bad she constantly contradicts herself. And like I said, I have recordings now proving she's lying about things I've said. The best lie she's pulled is framing me for robbing her of the paper, and also claiming to have proof that I have never read said paper. The recording prove her proof is a lie, but the stupidity of claiming both those things, that I have stolen it, but also never read it, is enough I think to declare anyone believing her as either willfully out to do me ill, or utterly stupid. So either they are in on her gaslighting scam, or they are too easy to fool into believing anything, if only someone with the right authority says it. And the authority in this case has been hand delivered by dear mama.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane  

onsdag 10 september 2014

Ingis World of Families

Earlier I shared on this blog my webpage about my home Lyckebo and spoke there about my webgroup Magnolia Lane and how I first started it as a group for my family. Here I will go on to show another of my webpages and a few gifts I have made for that page. Just like my group was first created for my blood family, I created this page for them all. I had an older page about my family with photos of both my family of origin and my own new family. On this newer page I only focus on my present family - Ingis World of Families. The webgroup I first created in 2003 and called Family Webnet, but like I talk about in my previous blog about my webpages nobody in my family wanted to join the group. Inspite of that I've gotten feedback from my godmother that my family of origin concider me the one ignoring this family and only focusing on my children, which they all according to my godmother, think is wrong of me. I am the one ignoring them, and still no-one of them wanted to join my webgroup Family Webnet? 

Also I helped my oldest brother to try and invite family on fathers side to his mailinglist, with no success. It's my family of origin who've been shunning me for years, who do not want to be part of anything I put forward to them. I got a few weird excuses "why" they could not join. All proven false and lies, as what they used as excuses they later on did without problem when Facebook turned up. They suddenly could share much more info then I ever asked for. Suddenly they are sharing their whole names, birthdays, photos of their children and suddenly they had all the time in the world to spend on Facebook. All excuses they used to why they could not join my very private group. After I was brushed off by my entire family of origin and extended family I eventually changed the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and invited "friends" to the group from the internet. I met a nice woman who wanted to help me as she had a very successful group herself. 
At this time I don't remember all these events clearly, but I remember that my oldest brother was very hesistant to join, as he'd been affected by some negative comments about my group most likely from his brother. I think he did join anyways, as I now dimly remember it, but he was not happy about it. He had huge reservations and they were all based on what he had been told about me. It was like this oldest brother was under the spell of the second brother and disbelieved me due to his warnings of my group. I had a year before I started the group seen a mail sent by this oldest brother to my husband, which clearly told me someone was smearing me and my husband wrote back and put him straight. I never told him I had seen that horrible mail, but I wondered very much about it for years. Today I believe it was gossip and lies from my second brother who'd affected him. I believe that as two years prior to that my sister-in-law revealed that the second brother had framed me for the drivers issue when we were in Florida. She said her husband, my oldest brother, had been mad at me cause our brother had said I was the one against the oldest one being allowed to drive. All lies. 

Today the oldest brother does not even remember talking about this with his wife and said to me it never happened, which is impossible cause his wife was not with us in Florida so her husband must had told her this when he came home, and all she said matched perfectly with what I knew, only I was framed for doing exactly what our second brother had done. He had asked me to not tell our oldest brother that it was his wish that the older brother would not drive, cause he was afraid that would turn him against him if he knew. I felt sorry for my second brother and agreed to not tell the oldest brother that it was his brothers demand that he did not drive the rented car. And then the second brother did like he has done so many times before, used my loyal silence to frame me with what he'd done. This answers my question why I got beaten so many times in my childhood for matters I had no idea about. It answers many weird questions, like why my whole family of origin seems to be suspicious about me. Perhaps a few of them believe that I have changed and am now more responsible as an older person, and hence will treat me better. But if they imagine that they are very wrong, as I never was that person my closest blood relatives lied about me being.  
Now I understand why my second brother always used to make jokes about me crying so much as a child and how skinny as a twig I was from early childhood. Neither of those two matters are anything close to funny when mentioned in relation to a little child. That is pure signs of childabuse. So by piecing little things together I can see a pattern emerge. Now I believe this second brother was told by our mother, whom I talked to about alot of private things 12 years ago, things concerning my life and she exaggerated and twisted things enough to give him fuel to claim horrible things about me to my oldest brother, whom reacted by sending my husband that very nasty mail. I am pretty sure this is what happened as what was in that mail was info only I had spoken to mother about earlier on, but like I said, over exaggerated and twisting me from an emotional, feeling human being, into a monster. So evil that my oldest brother thought I was a tyrant terror who where abusing my husband and he hoped we'd see our divorce thrue so he'd never have to see me again. 

What terrible lies must he had heard to react this way? If I remember right my husband put him straight, and wrote back that we were not planing any divorce and that I was a lovely and kind person. Yes, I can get mad as hell and cry and what have you, specially in my earlier years when I still was 100% convinced nobody ever could love me and would not believe my husband did. The slightest signs of going off me and I was sure he was leaving me and never had loved me for real. He did fancy other girls now and then, but swears that deep down he only wanted to be with me, so I guess I have to believe him as he so far has not left me. No matter what I cried and said he didn't leave. I really did not want to be with a guy who only was with me out of pity either, so that was another big issue for me. Something I don't know if I ever will get over, as I think those emotions were ingrained in me at early childhood. You need atleast one person who truly loves you when you grow up to believe you are loveable, and I lost everyone eventually who seemed to care. 
After nine I don't remember any grown ups giving me the time of the day. The summer I was eight was my last summer before I was dumped by father. I lost my old aunt Sigrid when I was seven, who up till then acted like the only caring grandparent I had. When I was five I lost my favorite nanny, a girl who worked with us from she was sixteen till seventeen. She promised to come back and visit me, but except for a postcard the next summer from a Summer Camp for children, I never heard from her again. She was the closest to a mother I've ever had, and I loved her with all my heart. I guess she married her boyfriend Roland and had children. I hope she did that, no, I dreamt that she did that. I also hoped she thought about me too sometimes. And that she loved me too, but forgot to see me cause of her children and life coming in the way. She was only seventeen, and too young to know how devestating it is for a child to loose the only grown up woman she has in her life. 

Don't believe that I had my mother, cause I never believed it when I was a child. I remember I was like a bag she dragged around, but I was never there for real with her. She never saw me, she never spoke to me, she never cared who I was. She didn't feed me and she rarely bought me any clothes. She rather saved the childcare money to buy treats for herself with. She used to tease me when I was in my early teens together with my second brother, whom she egged on to taunt me as much as he could. She laughed in joy whenever she saw he hit a soar spot and I got really angry with them many times. I remember I told them they were my family and should support me and help me and not bully me worse then those bullies did in school. That it was too much for me to deal with their crap at home, after being the reciever of abuse at school every day. I felt no empathy from mother whatsoever when hearing this, but my second brother seemed to feel a little bad and excused himself that he only was helping me to toughen up.  
I don't remember when mother suddenly accepted to join my group, but I think it was after I had changed it to Magnolia Lane. I don't think my oldest brother was still a member then, or if he ever was that during it's Family Webnet days. Somehow I have forgot about these things, though I did remember them clearly only a few years back. Too much has happened so I have forgotten. After a short while mother put down my group as "boring" and left. A few years later I had re-established my relationship with my oldest brother, whom someone must have been smearing me to for awhile as he had so big apprehentions for my first group. He was very suspicious about it, just like our brother had been, so I think he were affected by all this other brothers negative energy and so seems most of my family of origin be. Still I got that mail in 2013 from my godmother that it was me who didn't care for my family of origin, didn't care for my siblings. That is those two siblings who are lying about me and telling people that I am a liar and a thief. 

Oh, I wonder why I have serious problem with caring for such people. She knows that I have cared for them alot, and she knows that I was framed for 35 years for the death of her friends chickens and I'm sure she believed all this time I was the chicken killer. Still she thinks I am in wrong for finally calling it a quites and saying "no more". She seems to think I must be the doormat and I must accept being kicked in my stomach without any complaints. Once she told me I was not allowed to complain cause my father would not help me with one tiny little thing. I never asked him for favours and this help would had been so very appreciated. So instead of him bending down and pick up my sweet and very kind cat and put him in a cage and take him home, he couldn't be bothered. Instead I had to travel 140 km in the middle of the night to pick up the cat on fathers farm, after sitting on a bus from the Alpes the whole day. Just so I could catch the train and go to university as soon as possible as I already had missed a few classes due to the ski trip. I had paid for the ski trip, and father was on the farm that day and all he had to do was to pick up the cat, who was sitting under a cupboard and was not missing. 
So I told my aunt, when in the weekend visiting my oldest brother in Stockholm, that I was very upset with dad for putting me through this, when I never ask him for favours and he could not help me with this tiny little thing. She got very angry with me and told me I was not in any position to critizies my father. I have heard her say very bad things about her father, my grandfather, so why was not I allowed to be disappointed with my father? She has said very mean things about my father, her brother. She has said much worse things then what I was complaining about. So why did she insult me like that? Cause she had deep anger against me already - that is the only answer I can come up with after 30 years thinking about this. She had been told like 5 years earlier that I was an evil cow, who killed all those chickens and then refused to pay for them. She phoned me at that time and told me to pay for the chickens, and it never dawned on me at that time that she did it cause she'd been told I was the guilty one. She never said that I killed the chickens, she just begged me to pay for them or her friend would not speak to her again. 

I felt sorry for my aunt, who at the time was the same age I am now, so I gave father the money to give to my aunts friend. On fathers funeral this friend came up and told me all what she had heard about this, and that is how I know this now. This friend then told my aunt that my father paid the chickens, and the two women concluded that I would not pay for the chickens they thought I had killed. How evil isn't that to make others believe about a young, shy, bullied little girl who's done nobody any harm? As a grown up I feel sorry for that little girl who nobody loved and who was so rottenly treated by her family. The only one I today feel is not guilty of this harm is my oldest brother, who only was lied to himself and unfortunatly believed a little too much of the crap he heard. My guess is that the other brother wanted to ruin our relationship as he saw how close us two others had become and that's why he lied about the car in Florida. We had flewn there together and I and the oldest brother had been great friends. But during the visit he acted angry towards me, and I didn't understand why until his wife told me about what our other brother had said about me. So I believe my godmother, my aunt, had been hearing likewise foul lies about me, as I have proof now due to the chicken lady's confession. And therefore she hurt me so bad with her agression towards me for the slight slip of complaint that my father would not help me when I was in a tight spot. 
I never got any money from my parents during my years at the university, except a few times I got enough to pay a ticked to go home over summer break. Father didn't want to give me a ticket, so I had to beg. It wasn't expensive as I had student price and I had to remind him that if I didn't get the ticket I could not work at his office during summer and they'd have to find a new summer extra. That usually made him give in and give me the ticked. I find this so very odd and I don't understand why he was treating me so mean. Just like I have wondered my whole life why my godmother was treating me so mean. I didn't speak to my aunt for a year after her angry reply when she heard how upset I was with how coldhearted my father treated me, whom always tried to help him and be a kind child. He was the one punishing me, spanking me on my bare arse, for reasons unkown to me. He did it for a few years, until I got older, I think it was about when I started school, and it stopped. I remember he always did it cause mother told him to. I don't remember the reasons she gave, but I have a feeling what she might had said, maybe the same sentance she said when I was thirteen, as that one triggered me alot. 

Still today when I hear those words I feel sick, physically sick. They are clearly telling me my mother hates me and wants to see me hurt, no matter if I've done something bad or not, she wants me in pain. She's been acting in later years like she does not, but that might be cause I've been ill and very unhappy in my life as we had no money and my husband has been overworked and ill for many more years. We've hardly been able to keep our home and take care of our children, but we've managed cause we've lived on nothing and gone on short trips as "vacations". I used to take them out in nature as that was free entertainment. What we did have was love, but the strain on a family in bad financial condition is heavy. Mother she knew all this, and now I know she could had made all that go away anytime she wished. Any time! But she choosed to see me in pain and that made her so happy she acted like she was my friend and confidance. That was why I told her things that then ended up in a mail some months later from my oldest brother to my husband. But like I said, all was turned up side down, as it's always with these malignant liars.
This is truly how things seems to me, as when I told mother I was too tired and ill to take care of her dog, while having my daugher and her little new baby living with us too, and also the babies father was there alot, she didn't care. She still tricked me into taking the dog by abandoning the dog with my father, who just left the dog outdoors all day and night. After a few days his neighbours started to complain and my godmorther phoned me and was very angry with me, cause mothers dog was there. It had nothing to do with me, but like she's been trained to think, she gave me the blame anyways. So I went and picked the dog up and then it took me a month to make mother come and get her back. When I told her that I felt so very tired, like 80 years old, she just laughed and said she felt wonderful. I had to use my grandson's babtism to make her come and fetch her dog. Claiming I needed time to get everything prepaired as I was so very tired these days I only had small amounts of energy. A short while after the babtism I ended up in hospital. I have written about that many times before, but a month after I was back mother dumped her dog on me again, claiming it was just for a week or two.

She always lied when she said that, but then my family has been lying to me my whole life. I can't really remember any promises they've made that they have followed up on. They seem to love to make grand gestures and then leave you in the crap to pick up the pieces as they never follow through. It got so normal to me that I learnt to never expect anything from anyone at any time in my life. I had no expectations and I therefore was deprived of alot of things and opportunities as I never could imagine anything would come my way. My younger sister used to mock me for being wired this way, but she should be ashamed of herself for mocking a person she knows been mistreated her whole life by her own kin. She knows I am this way cause I was denied everything I wanted my whole life and only in very rare occations could get anything I wanted. I can almost count those events on my one hand fingers. It's cause sometimes mother could be in a happy mood and wanting to spend money on things she liked. And if I was lucky what I needed was under that section - what mother liked. For instance I wanted a long coat which would hide my butt as I recented that guys looked at it. So mother took me to a store with fur and leather clothing, which she loved to shop in. And she bought me a long, black leather coat, which I was very happy to have.  
That is one nice thing she did as she was nice sometimes, specially the older I got. She really does not seem to like small children. She behaves like they are a problem and need correction. Still she feels like she was a good mother as she was very clever with teaching babies to go on the pot. Atleast she taught me how to teach my baby sister to do it, and she taught my oldest brothers baby to do it, she's claimed. If it's true or not, I don't know. Maybe she's just bragging to make her daughter-in-law look bad, but I always try and give her the benifit of a doubt. I know it's stupid of me, but I've done that with both her, my second brother and my baby sister as long as I've known them. Always looked for the silver lining on the cloud. Hoping for the best and that it was just a mistake. And another and another. Too many "mistakes". Nobody makes so many "mistakes" by mistake. Nobody who knows me that well has made so many horried mistakes. I've known many doing weird mistakes, but many of those most likely didn't make mistakes either as some of those mistakes was just too perfect to be a mistake. 

For instance, my second brothers ex invited me over when I was pregnand and asked me beforehand very carefully what I could not eat, as she was working in the health sector she knew very well pregnant women often had foods they could not eat. So I mentioned that I puked of onions, anything of onions made me seriously ill and I could not even stand the smell of it. When I came to her it reaked of onion and there was not one item on the dinner table that was not containing tons of onions. It was totally ridiculous and it left me speechless. How can anyone get something so wrong? She was the one calling to make sure she didn't use what I was over sensitive against, what made me sick, and I had told her. I don't remember if I just kept the face and pretended to eat something and then left early, but I think I did, as I was always a very kind person who didn't want to start a fight over small "mistakes". But I have wondered ever since why she did like that. She was the one asking me. Mother has done similar things, asking me things and then doing the opposite from what I replied. I have always hoped it was mistakes, but who knows. 
Mother phoned me to find out what I needed to my household as I was getting married, and I told her about how much we lacked and mentioned there was one item we did have, as we've recieved two of those as gifts already. Guess what! She'd told the whole extended family that I needed this item, so we ended up with two more of them, but none of all the other items we didn't have. Her excuse was that it was my fault cause I had said we do not need that item and the brain can't understand "not". What a piece of rubbish as I'd clearly said I needed all sorts of household equipments, and only mentioned that item as that was the only thing we already had. Thanks so bloody much, selfcentered mother. At that time I took it as total disinterest from her, that she just didn't bother to remember what I had said in reply to her question, only being interested in how caring she came out by asking me what we needed. But not actually caring, so she didn't bother to remember what I had replied. That was my take on it and then when some relatives asked her what I needed all she remembered of the conversation was that item I had said we had two of already. 

To forget and be forgetful is not a crime, it's not to be disinterested. But to be so indifference to what she had caused due to her total lack of interest is. She blamed me for her mistake, remember. That is a crime, a moral crime. It was not my fault she had forgotten, so her blaming me for it was very cruel. It was her mistake and if it was an honest mistake and not a deliberate one, all she should had said was "sorry". But my mother never ever says sorry. I have in my whole life never heard her say she's sorry about anything. Whatever pain and insult she's cause another being she's never owned up to her part in what she's done and asked the person she's hurt for their forgivness. She's always blamed the one she's hurt. Always. It's like it's more scary for her to admit to be wrong, then loosing the love and friendship of someone close to her. I have no doubts whatsoever that she still don't feel she's done anything wrong to me, and that she's been making up all sorts of lies to cover up what I am mad about this time. She will never admit that I am mad about something that is legit to be mad about, instead she will make it out that I am confused and over sensitive. I know she will as that's how she treats everyone who's mad at her. It's never her - always them. According to her.
I have now re-told alot of the story I told in my first blog about my webpages, but also found some others to tell. Some stories just seem more important, so I tend to tell them again and again, from a slightly different angle. Most of these stories have been about mother, as you might have noticed, but some about the rest of the closest family of origin. I have not said much about my own family yet, as I have many more webpages about them. I do hope you enjoyed these family gifts. As you might have noticed I honor loving mothers alot. I wish my mother had been one and I have hoped my whole life that the good mother I saw in a dream, when I was very small, would win over the evil mother in the same dream. In that dream I were taught that my mother has two spirits in her - one loving mother who wish to do good by her children, and one evil bitch who wants to harm me as bad as possible. I was very afraid of that demon spirit, so when she told me like 7-8 years ago she felt she had a demon attached to her I truly hoped she was starting to get rid of the fucker. Then she gloated over the massmurder in Libya when that happened and my hopes went down. Finally I have given up.

The wedding party above I made in my own PSP-group. At the top of this blog are two gifts I created myself out of images provided in a group I attended. One is of the Russian tsar family that was brutally murdered by the bolsjeviks and the other is a mother and baby. Then there is three tutorial ones with little children, and a wedding graphic I made to an anniversal page for me and my husband. Below that one there is two more from tutorials with children. And then another one of my own creations using different pictures, like the old watch. The bride graphic is from a tutorial too, just like the wedding party and the flying pig below. To me it's the greatest gift to have children and my only wish is that I had had a loving family of origin who'd been able to enjoy the greatest gift together with me, instead of treating life as some sort of competion, where the best man wins, and the other dies. My second brother is the godfather to one of my sons, but he never bothered to remember. He never asked me to be godmother to his son, but asked the baby sister he hardly knew, as him and I had been very close our whole time growing up, inspite of mothers attemts to make him ruin my love for him. In the end he managed to do that himself, so today the feeling is that I will not have any more with those wishing ill on me - not until pigs start to fly...  

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

måndag 18 augusti 2014

Gaslighting - How Your Enemy Tries To Drive You Crazy

The title of this blog I made up from this book "Gaslighting: How to Drive Your Enemies Crazy" by Victor Santoro. A sudden thought came to me after listening to this video below. It suddenly dawned on me how my sister seems to be portraiting me to people and how obviously mother believes I am now. Also one of my brothers seems to believe I am like that - and that is how this mother in the video acts... Well, this is what I wrote as a respons to that video, but never posted, so it's directed to the one with the video. If you could imagine that in your heads, please. :)  

Had a thought when hearing this and your translation of this. You know what - I totally realize this is what my baby sis is claiming I do. What your mom does here. What a horrible thought as I'm nothing like this, and I've never threatened her (she claims I do, that much have I figured out) and I never call her, write to her or contact her. Whenever I met her I've always been really nice to her as I would not dare anything else. I have been blamed for ALL stuff she's ever done when she grew up, as I was her actual baby sitter (full time almost) from 9 yrs old. Mom told me when I was 8, and she was pregnant, that this new child was a "special one", that she was "valuable" and "clean" and stuff like that, and nothing like me. She said I was "dirty" and god knows what shit she said. 

After a few years I noticed this special child had not the same emotions I did, and that she had no empathy, very robotic. I checked it up last year and she fits the profile of a typical covert psychopath who hides behind a facade of normality. I've now realized she must have been continuing moms smear campaign of me, and that is so horrible as all I ever wanted was to be left alone and have a nice, peaceful life with my children. She's called my children "monsters" and they all treat them like garbage. To realize my sister has lied that I am doing like your mother here, and that I've treated HER this way is horrible. I used to try and give her what I never got. 
A torementor can use one or several of these things to harm you.
I remember saying to her "you're sweet and kind and wonderful" when she grew up, to make her feel that way about herself. Now she's making it out that I am lying about her, steeling from her, and that I am threatening her to her life and harassing her, stalking her, and god knows what she says. I have only gotten a few feedbacks from people sending on her lies about me. And her husband and one brother of mine also have shown that they think I am doing these things to her. I don't know why she's doing this to me.  She showed me a legal paper 2 days after dad died (an option on a house) and ever since then she's been lying about not showing me it, inspite a brother clearly saw it and remembered it. Like they do - the pathologicals - she's been lying and denying and projecting ever since. 

But she's acting like the victim and trying to seem cool and innocent. She's very convincing and she really scares me due to the backwardness in all of what she claims. I'm sure 99% would believe her before me. But I know what I saw - an option. She claims she has a "termin" on the house and that it's gone cause I stole it. Also the other brother claims I've stolen his "termin" on a house. It's a madhouse hearing what they claim - totally fiction. I don't know why they treat me this way. I almost died in 2011, and in 2012 the doc said it was a miracle that I came through. All I know is that they must hate me very much as she showed me this option and now harrass me for knowing I saw it and they all treat me like shit. 
The origin of the term Gaslight.
They gaslight me, is what it's called. I'm a university business economist and they make it out as I don't know what I saw. She claims she did show me a paper, but a totally other kind of paper, and that both me and my witness misunderstood what we read. He's a IT-expert specializing in finding little, tiny faults. He's very smart and has a keen eye for details. Our sis never bothered with higher education, but still she's very successful and has had jobs demanding a uni-degree for years now. I don't know how she does that, but she seems to be able to con everyone into believing her. She does get fired all the time and I know she's not as competent as she acts. She's quite stupid actually, in my opinion, but she is very stuck up and acts superior. I blame myself now as I did try so hard to push up her self confidence and all I wanted was for her to be all she could be. 

Even the guy she's married to she identified thanks to me, as I'm psychic and she got flowers from an anonymous person and I knew it was this guy she'd mentioned a few months back. She had hords of boyfriends at that time so it was not somebody she'd imagined and she first didn't believe me, but I was right. Her husband threatened me with the police last year a couple of times. I think it was to scare me as I was not budging on the fact that I read the paper, and that I refused to sign over the house onto them without them proving I was wrong about it being an option. As they refused to, and I had a witness, I put my story in a video - what I remembered about that event when I read the paper - and that was when they started with the police threats and ever since they've continued. My closest brother claims that I am stalking him too. I don't know how, but he says that. He lives in Florida and claims what I do is illegal there - but I don't know what I do that could in any way be illegal. 
Perhaps a good book to get help to cope?
All the lying and steeling are just their projections of what they do, like their claim I have been threatening them, stalking them. My video was like a "testimony" that I did to make my sis get back to her senses, and seeing how ridiculous her lies was as I do remember and I do have a witness confirming it. I did make an oath, of course, swearing on what I hold most precious in my life (not mentioning WHAT that was)  - which of course could seem like your mother, but I have never done that before and I'm over 50 when I did it. It was cause my sis refused to stop lying, and everyone believed HER inspite me having a witness and she does not. I also dared her to take the same oath, if she didn't feel like coming clean. She never did, but stated in her reply (that she sent out to lots of people ontop of my mail to her with my video) all she'd said always been 100% true. Then of course it must have been, as a liar would not lie about something like that... ? 

So, it was my sis who sent on the video to all sorts of people, and she claimed I was defaming her, that I had mental problems, was harassing her, and bullying her, and that she now just had it with me.... WHAT!!! I was being bullied by them and my video was my final call for my sis to stop this. I sent it to HER - she sent it on to god knows how many. She's been calling me mentally ill behind my back already, writing this to my witness, whom she tried to make believe he'd seen another kind of paper, and he sent her mail to me so I could see how she's making me out as a luny bin, while fully well knowing I am speaking the truth. It's so hateful what she does, I hardly can believe my eyes. 
In their stories you are always a monster and they saints.
I know she hated me when a child, as I found her childhood diary, where she wrote HATE HATE HATE all over the pages. The story in the diary was like I had gone against her will, been ill or something, and not obeyed her. It was very typical how an extremly spoiled, selfish child would think. All about her, and making her out as a victim, cause I'd told her to not play the piano as I was very ill in severe migrains, and needed sleep. That she made out as I was totally out of control and very selfish. I remember one of these things she wrote about, and that I hardly could speak, that was how in pain I was, very sick, throwing up constantly, and I begged her to "please, please stop play the piano" as I needed atleast an hour to sleep for the migrain to ease up, as I'd just taken some pill for it. She just thought me selfish as she needed to practice as she'd had not done it the whole week. 

I so remember this argument with her, and how I told her she should practice every day, not only the day before, and she would not have this problem now as I was ill and needed her to wait and practice in an hour or two perhaps. She was totally furious with me. And that was one of those horrible, hateful things I'd done according to her diary. She was like 9 at the time and I was 18, I think. She was also furious cause I was sad and upset over a boyfriend, she was angry cause I wanted some privacy, and all in all she was going on in her diary as if I - a teen - was her mother and obliged to tend to all her needs. Nothing about her real mother, that I could find when I quickly looked it through about 10-15 years ago. All about what a horrible person I was. It was heartbreaking as at that time - I remember - my friends told me to stop putting her needs infront of mine. They said she did not appreciate it and that she took me for granted, and that I needed to care for my self more. I disagreed with them and said that she cared about me and appreciated me very much. Apparently they were right. :((
Whatever you feel you are supposed to feel guilty.
My witness, he who saw me reading her option, he knew what he saw and he thinks she's a total psychopath. He's just disgusted by her, but that's only him, the rest of the family is all on her side. She and the rest of the family have been smear campaigning him as long as I remember. I kind of believed a lot of it sometimes, but there was always something "off" with their stories. I now know they at the same time smeared me to him. I have gotten a few feedbacks from both his wife and from mails he's sent that this is the case even long time ago. Today I totally feel that mother is behind all this from the beginning. I think she's some kind of narcissist, of the covert kind with some psychopathic traits. Not like my sis though, as she's very cold and calculating, but mother is more like she feels like the victim for real all the time - like someone with a combination of borderline and malign narcissism. 

She dislikes my children, by the way. She told me to stop taking them along when I visited her. Finally she admitted this in 2009, when she was 78. She never cared for any grandchildren really, but likes to pretend to like some of them. She does seem to enjoy to be with the most smeared son's oldest son though. I think she's the reason there is this huge rift between him and his parents. Not the only reason, but a big part of it. She's been really nasty to his parents, specially his mother, and I don't think the children understood why their parents stopped seeing their grandma. She once looked after the two oldest when they were small and they've told me she was nice to them. My children she used to punch in the face and poor ice cold water on! I don't know why she was nice to this brother's children, but my guess is that she wanted to be a better mom then their real mom. She's been really into making it out like she is through the years. She did complain one time I did not let her look after my children, and that was after the smacking faces and cold water rutine, so no wonder I did not.
Either learn to live with her or leave her to rot in her own dung.
The problem is that on the surface our family looks normal. Only those friends I'd had that came close to us knew the truth. I could only see that I was hurt, felt hurt by stuff happening, but then my hurt was always ignored as if it was stupid, so I locked it away as non important. That's why I think I grew up thinking that whatever I feel, think, do, is of no importance to the world. And why I've always had this angst inside of me that I am afraid will take over. Like some kind of borderline traits I think. The suicidal thought, the total lack of selfesteem and so on. It got better the further away from these people I've been, and I've even managed to unlock alot of my obsessions, things I could not stop thinking about. They do say borderline is like being stuck in the worst moment of your life, but to me it didn't really feel that way, so maybe not quite that thing. 

I was mostly obsessing over people I liked and who dumped me, and that I never could hate them for dumping me, like it was not their fault. I thought I'd done something wrong and never blamed them. My big breakthrough was to stop blaming myself, and to actually stop liking them anymore, stop caring for them. It's like I love everyone for ever, and that is not healthy as nobody loves me at all of these people. I needed to stop focusing on people in the past and start to live in the now. Seeing what I did have and not what I never had. Many girls I know behave this exact way if they are stuck on some old time narcissistic boyfriend, so my guess is that it was cause I was raised in a familiy with this infliction, so I went on to fall for guys with those traits, and it only brought me more failure and loss. 
Believe you have the right to say NO and decied who to let into your life.
I don't like narcissists one bit anymore - I see them and I ignore them. They hate that, I know. I honestly think these malignant narcissists concider you hating them if you start to ignore them, when they mistreat you. Hence the projections of me hating them. I didn't used to hate them, no matter what they did, but after this horrible treatment from them I must admit I do, from time to time, feel hate towards them. It does not last long and most of the time I feel disgust only. I hate how they've treated me, and lied about me and others. They've brought so much misery into my relationships with other people as they love to triangulate and lie to cause harm.

But as I am not lying about them, making them out to have stolen and lied and done horrible things, it is by that proven who hates who. I would however be entitled to hate them, I think, but I think it's proven they hate me. Why would they otherwise do what they've done? So many little things proving it to me. Things I did for them, but favours they never repaid. It's a big long list today, but it's been my primary goal to make them all happy, and now I know that their primary goal has always been to make me sad. So they are now out of my life. I will not give them more of my sadness to enjoy. :))
A final good advice for all who brood about old hurts.
Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane