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onsdag 10 september 2014

Ingis World of Families

Earlier I shared on this blog my webpage about my home Lyckebo and spoke there about my webgroup Magnolia Lane and how I first started it as a group for my family. Here I will go on to show another of my webpages and a few gifts I have made for that page. Just like my group was first created for my blood family, I created this page for them all. I had an older page about my family with photos of both my family of origin and my own new family. On this newer page I only focus on my present family - Ingis World of Families. The webgroup I first created in 2003 and called Family Webnet, but like I talk about in my previous blog about my webpages nobody in my family wanted to join the group. Inspite of that I've gotten feedback from my godmother that my family of origin concider me the one ignoring this family and only focusing on my children, which they all according to my godmother, think is wrong of me. I am the one ignoring them, and still no-one of them wanted to join my webgroup Family Webnet? 

Also I helped my oldest brother to try and invite family on fathers side to his mailinglist, with no success. It's my family of origin who've been shunning me for years, who do not want to be part of anything I put forward to them. I got a few weird excuses "why" they could not join. All proven false and lies, as what they used as excuses they later on did without problem when Facebook turned up. They suddenly could share much more info then I ever asked for. Suddenly they are sharing their whole names, birthdays, photos of their children and suddenly they had all the time in the world to spend on Facebook. All excuses they used to why they could not join my very private group. After I was brushed off by my entire family of origin and extended family I eventually changed the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and invited "friends" to the group from the internet. I met a nice woman who wanted to help me as she had a very successful group herself. 
At this time I don't remember all these events clearly, but I remember that my oldest brother was very hesistant to join, as he'd been affected by some negative comments about my group most likely from his brother. I think he did join anyways, as I now dimly remember it, but he was not happy about it. He had huge reservations and they were all based on what he had been told about me. It was like this oldest brother was under the spell of the second brother and disbelieved me due to his warnings of my group. I had a year before I started the group seen a mail sent by this oldest brother to my husband, which clearly told me someone was smearing me and my husband wrote back and put him straight. I never told him I had seen that horrible mail, but I wondered very much about it for years. Today I believe it was gossip and lies from my second brother who'd affected him. I believe that as two years prior to that my sister-in-law revealed that the second brother had framed me for the drivers issue when we were in Florida. She said her husband, my oldest brother, had been mad at me cause our brother had said I was the one against the oldest one being allowed to drive. All lies. 

Today the oldest brother does not even remember talking about this with his wife and said to me it never happened, which is impossible cause his wife was not with us in Florida so her husband must had told her this when he came home, and all she said matched perfectly with what I knew, only I was framed for doing exactly what our second brother had done. He had asked me to not tell our oldest brother that it was his wish that the older brother would not drive, cause he was afraid that would turn him against him if he knew. I felt sorry for my second brother and agreed to not tell the oldest brother that it was his brothers demand that he did not drive the rented car. And then the second brother did like he has done so many times before, used my loyal silence to frame me with what he'd done. This answers my question why I got beaten so many times in my childhood for matters I had no idea about. It answers many weird questions, like why my whole family of origin seems to be suspicious about me. Perhaps a few of them believe that I have changed and am now more responsible as an older person, and hence will treat me better. But if they imagine that they are very wrong, as I never was that person my closest blood relatives lied about me being.  
Now I understand why my second brother always used to make jokes about me crying so much as a child and how skinny as a twig I was from early childhood. Neither of those two matters are anything close to funny when mentioned in relation to a little child. That is pure signs of childabuse. So by piecing little things together I can see a pattern emerge. Now I believe this second brother was told by our mother, whom I talked to about alot of private things 12 years ago, things concerning my life and she exaggerated and twisted things enough to give him fuel to claim horrible things about me to my oldest brother, whom reacted by sending my husband that very nasty mail. I am pretty sure this is what happened as what was in that mail was info only I had spoken to mother about earlier on, but like I said, over exaggerated and twisting me from an emotional, feeling human being, into a monster. So evil that my oldest brother thought I was a tyrant terror who where abusing my husband and he hoped we'd see our divorce thrue so he'd never have to see me again. 

What terrible lies must he had heard to react this way? If I remember right my husband put him straight, and wrote back that we were not planing any divorce and that I was a lovely and kind person. Yes, I can get mad as hell and cry and what have you, specially in my earlier years when I still was 100% convinced nobody ever could love me and would not believe my husband did. The slightest signs of going off me and I was sure he was leaving me and never had loved me for real. He did fancy other girls now and then, but swears that deep down he only wanted to be with me, so I guess I have to believe him as he so far has not left me. No matter what I cried and said he didn't leave. I really did not want to be with a guy who only was with me out of pity either, so that was another big issue for me. Something I don't know if I ever will get over, as I think those emotions were ingrained in me at early childhood. You need atleast one person who truly loves you when you grow up to believe you are loveable, and I lost everyone eventually who seemed to care. 
After nine I don't remember any grown ups giving me the time of the day. The summer I was eight was my last summer before I was dumped by father. I lost my old aunt Sigrid when I was seven, who up till then acted like the only caring grandparent I had. When I was five I lost my favorite nanny, a girl who worked with us from she was sixteen till seventeen. She promised to come back and visit me, but except for a postcard the next summer from a Summer Camp for children, I never heard from her again. She was the closest to a mother I've ever had, and I loved her with all my heart. I guess she married her boyfriend Roland and had children. I hope she did that, no, I dreamt that she did that. I also hoped she thought about me too sometimes. And that she loved me too, but forgot to see me cause of her children and life coming in the way. She was only seventeen, and too young to know how devestating it is for a child to loose the only grown up woman she has in her life. 

Don't believe that I had my mother, cause I never believed it when I was a child. I remember I was like a bag she dragged around, but I was never there for real with her. She never saw me, she never spoke to me, she never cared who I was. She didn't feed me and she rarely bought me any clothes. She rather saved the childcare money to buy treats for herself with. She used to tease me when I was in my early teens together with my second brother, whom she egged on to taunt me as much as he could. She laughed in joy whenever she saw he hit a soar spot and I got really angry with them many times. I remember I told them they were my family and should support me and help me and not bully me worse then those bullies did in school. That it was too much for me to deal with their crap at home, after being the reciever of abuse at school every day. I felt no empathy from mother whatsoever when hearing this, but my second brother seemed to feel a little bad and excused himself that he only was helping me to toughen up.  
I don't remember when mother suddenly accepted to join my group, but I think it was after I had changed it to Magnolia Lane. I don't think my oldest brother was still a member then, or if he ever was that during it's Family Webnet days. Somehow I have forgot about these things, though I did remember them clearly only a few years back. Too much has happened so I have forgotten. After a short while mother put down my group as "boring" and left. A few years later I had re-established my relationship with my oldest brother, whom someone must have been smearing me to for awhile as he had so big apprehentions for my first group. He was very suspicious about it, just like our brother had been, so I think he were affected by all this other brothers negative energy and so seems most of my family of origin be. Still I got that mail in 2013 from my godmother that it was me who didn't care for my family of origin, didn't care for my siblings. That is those two siblings who are lying about me and telling people that I am a liar and a thief. 

Oh, I wonder why I have serious problem with caring for such people. She knows that I have cared for them alot, and she knows that I was framed for 35 years for the death of her friends chickens and I'm sure she believed all this time I was the chicken killer. Still she thinks I am in wrong for finally calling it a quites and saying "no more". She seems to think I must be the doormat and I must accept being kicked in my stomach without any complaints. Once she told me I was not allowed to complain cause my father would not help me with one tiny little thing. I never asked him for favours and this help would had been so very appreciated. So instead of him bending down and pick up my sweet and very kind cat and put him in a cage and take him home, he couldn't be bothered. Instead I had to travel 140 km in the middle of the night to pick up the cat on fathers farm, after sitting on a bus from the Alpes the whole day. Just so I could catch the train and go to university as soon as possible as I already had missed a few classes due to the ski trip. I had paid for the ski trip, and father was on the farm that day and all he had to do was to pick up the cat, who was sitting under a cupboard and was not missing. 
So I told my aunt, when in the weekend visiting my oldest brother in Stockholm, that I was very upset with dad for putting me through this, when I never ask him for favours and he could not help me with this tiny little thing. She got very angry with me and told me I was not in any position to critizies my father. I have heard her say very bad things about her father, my grandfather, so why was not I allowed to be disappointed with my father? She has said very mean things about my father, her brother. She has said much worse things then what I was complaining about. So why did she insult me like that? Cause she had deep anger against me already - that is the only answer I can come up with after 30 years thinking about this. She had been told like 5 years earlier that I was an evil cow, who killed all those chickens and then refused to pay for them. She phoned me at that time and told me to pay for the chickens, and it never dawned on me at that time that she did it cause she'd been told I was the guilty one. She never said that I killed the chickens, she just begged me to pay for them or her friend would not speak to her again. 

I felt sorry for my aunt, who at the time was the same age I am now, so I gave father the money to give to my aunts friend. On fathers funeral this friend came up and told me all what she had heard about this, and that is how I know this now. This friend then told my aunt that my father paid the chickens, and the two women concluded that I would not pay for the chickens they thought I had killed. How evil isn't that to make others believe about a young, shy, bullied little girl who's done nobody any harm? As a grown up I feel sorry for that little girl who nobody loved and who was so rottenly treated by her family. The only one I today feel is not guilty of this harm is my oldest brother, who only was lied to himself and unfortunatly believed a little too much of the crap he heard. My guess is that the other brother wanted to ruin our relationship as he saw how close us two others had become and that's why he lied about the car in Florida. We had flewn there together and I and the oldest brother had been great friends. But during the visit he acted angry towards me, and I didn't understand why until his wife told me about what our other brother had said about me. So I believe my godmother, my aunt, had been hearing likewise foul lies about me, as I have proof now due to the chicken lady's confession. And therefore she hurt me so bad with her agression towards me for the slight slip of complaint that my father would not help me when I was in a tight spot. 
I never got any money from my parents during my years at the university, except a few times I got enough to pay a ticked to go home over summer break. Father didn't want to give me a ticket, so I had to beg. It wasn't expensive as I had student price and I had to remind him that if I didn't get the ticket I could not work at his office during summer and they'd have to find a new summer extra. That usually made him give in and give me the ticked. I find this so very odd and I don't understand why he was treating me so mean. Just like I have wondered my whole life why my godmother was treating me so mean. I didn't speak to my aunt for a year after her angry reply when she heard how upset I was with how coldhearted my father treated me, whom always tried to help him and be a kind child. He was the one punishing me, spanking me on my bare arse, for reasons unkown to me. He did it for a few years, until I got older, I think it was about when I started school, and it stopped. I remember he always did it cause mother told him to. I don't remember the reasons she gave, but I have a feeling what she might had said, maybe the same sentance she said when I was thirteen, as that one triggered me alot. 

Still today when I hear those words I feel sick, physically sick. They are clearly telling me my mother hates me and wants to see me hurt, no matter if I've done something bad or not, she wants me in pain. She's been acting in later years like she does not, but that might be cause I've been ill and very unhappy in my life as we had no money and my husband has been overworked and ill for many more years. We've hardly been able to keep our home and take care of our children, but we've managed cause we've lived on nothing and gone on short trips as "vacations". I used to take them out in nature as that was free entertainment. What we did have was love, but the strain on a family in bad financial condition is heavy. Mother she knew all this, and now I know she could had made all that go away anytime she wished. Any time! But she choosed to see me in pain and that made her so happy she acted like she was my friend and confidance. That was why I told her things that then ended up in a mail some months later from my oldest brother to my husband. But like I said, all was turned up side down, as it's always with these malignant liars.
This is truly how things seems to me, as when I told mother I was too tired and ill to take care of her dog, while having my daugher and her little new baby living with us too, and also the babies father was there alot, she didn't care. She still tricked me into taking the dog by abandoning the dog with my father, who just left the dog outdoors all day and night. After a few days his neighbours started to complain and my godmorther phoned me and was very angry with me, cause mothers dog was there. It had nothing to do with me, but like she's been trained to think, she gave me the blame anyways. So I went and picked the dog up and then it took me a month to make mother come and get her back. When I told her that I felt so very tired, like 80 years old, she just laughed and said she felt wonderful. I had to use my grandson's babtism to make her come and fetch her dog. Claiming I needed time to get everything prepaired as I was so very tired these days I only had small amounts of energy. A short while after the babtism I ended up in hospital. I have written about that many times before, but a month after I was back mother dumped her dog on me again, claiming it was just for a week or two.

She always lied when she said that, but then my family has been lying to me my whole life. I can't really remember any promises they've made that they have followed up on. They seem to love to make grand gestures and then leave you in the crap to pick up the pieces as they never follow through. It got so normal to me that I learnt to never expect anything from anyone at any time in my life. I had no expectations and I therefore was deprived of alot of things and opportunities as I never could imagine anything would come my way. My younger sister used to mock me for being wired this way, but she should be ashamed of herself for mocking a person she knows been mistreated her whole life by her own kin. She knows I am this way cause I was denied everything I wanted my whole life and only in very rare occations could get anything I wanted. I can almost count those events on my one hand fingers. It's cause sometimes mother could be in a happy mood and wanting to spend money on things she liked. And if I was lucky what I needed was under that section - what mother liked. For instance I wanted a long coat which would hide my butt as I recented that guys looked at it. So mother took me to a store with fur and leather clothing, which she loved to shop in. And she bought me a long, black leather coat, which I was very happy to have.  
That is one nice thing she did as she was nice sometimes, specially the older I got. She really does not seem to like small children. She behaves like they are a problem and need correction. Still she feels like she was a good mother as she was very clever with teaching babies to go on the pot. Atleast she taught me how to teach my baby sister to do it, and she taught my oldest brothers baby to do it, she's claimed. If it's true or not, I don't know. Maybe she's just bragging to make her daughter-in-law look bad, but I always try and give her the benifit of a doubt. I know it's stupid of me, but I've done that with both her, my second brother and my baby sister as long as I've known them. Always looked for the silver lining on the cloud. Hoping for the best and that it was just a mistake. And another and another. Too many "mistakes". Nobody makes so many "mistakes" by mistake. Nobody who knows me that well has made so many horried mistakes. I've known many doing weird mistakes, but many of those most likely didn't make mistakes either as some of those mistakes was just too perfect to be a mistake. 

For instance, my second brothers ex invited me over when I was pregnand and asked me beforehand very carefully what I could not eat, as she was working in the health sector she knew very well pregnant women often had foods they could not eat. So I mentioned that I puked of onions, anything of onions made me seriously ill and I could not even stand the smell of it. When I came to her it reaked of onion and there was not one item on the dinner table that was not containing tons of onions. It was totally ridiculous and it left me speechless. How can anyone get something so wrong? She was the one calling to make sure she didn't use what I was over sensitive against, what made me sick, and I had told her. I don't remember if I just kept the face and pretended to eat something and then left early, but I think I did, as I was always a very kind person who didn't want to start a fight over small "mistakes". But I have wondered ever since why she did like that. She was the one asking me. Mother has done similar things, asking me things and then doing the opposite from what I replied. I have always hoped it was mistakes, but who knows. 
Mother phoned me to find out what I needed to my household as I was getting married, and I told her about how much we lacked and mentioned there was one item we did have, as we've recieved two of those as gifts already. Guess what! She'd told the whole extended family that I needed this item, so we ended up with two more of them, but none of all the other items we didn't have. Her excuse was that it was my fault cause I had said we do not need that item and the brain can't understand "not". What a piece of rubbish as I'd clearly said I needed all sorts of household equipments, and only mentioned that item as that was the only thing we already had. Thanks so bloody much, selfcentered mother. At that time I took it as total disinterest from her, that she just didn't bother to remember what I had said in reply to her question, only being interested in how caring she came out by asking me what we needed. But not actually caring, so she didn't bother to remember what I had replied. That was my take on it and then when some relatives asked her what I needed all she remembered of the conversation was that item I had said we had two of already. 

To forget and be forgetful is not a crime, it's not to be disinterested. But to be so indifference to what she had caused due to her total lack of interest is. She blamed me for her mistake, remember. That is a crime, a moral crime. It was not my fault she had forgotten, so her blaming me for it was very cruel. It was her mistake and if it was an honest mistake and not a deliberate one, all she should had said was "sorry". But my mother never ever says sorry. I have in my whole life never heard her say she's sorry about anything. Whatever pain and insult she's cause another being she's never owned up to her part in what she's done and asked the person she's hurt for their forgivness. She's always blamed the one she's hurt. Always. It's like it's more scary for her to admit to be wrong, then loosing the love and friendship of someone close to her. I have no doubts whatsoever that she still don't feel she's done anything wrong to me, and that she's been making up all sorts of lies to cover up what I am mad about this time. She will never admit that I am mad about something that is legit to be mad about, instead she will make it out that I am confused and over sensitive. I know she will as that's how she treats everyone who's mad at her. It's never her - always them. According to her.
I have now re-told alot of the story I told in my first blog about my webpages, but also found some others to tell. Some stories just seem more important, so I tend to tell them again and again, from a slightly different angle. Most of these stories have been about mother, as you might have noticed, but some about the rest of the closest family of origin. I have not said much about my own family yet, as I have many more webpages about them. I do hope you enjoyed these family gifts. As you might have noticed I honor loving mothers alot. I wish my mother had been one and I have hoped my whole life that the good mother I saw in a dream, when I was very small, would win over the evil mother in the same dream. In that dream I were taught that my mother has two spirits in her - one loving mother who wish to do good by her children, and one evil bitch who wants to harm me as bad as possible. I was very afraid of that demon spirit, so when she told me like 7-8 years ago she felt she had a demon attached to her I truly hoped she was starting to get rid of the fucker. Then she gloated over the massmurder in Libya when that happened and my hopes went down. Finally I have given up.

The wedding party above I made in my own PSP-group. At the top of this blog are two gifts I created myself out of images provided in a group I attended. One is of the Russian tsar family that was brutally murdered by the bolsjeviks and the other is a mother and baby. Then there is three tutorial ones with little children, and a wedding graphic I made to an anniversal page for me and my husband. Below that one there is two more from tutorials with children. And then another one of my own creations using different pictures, like the old watch. The bride graphic is from a tutorial too, just like the wedding party and the flying pig below. To me it's the greatest gift to have children and my only wish is that I had had a loving family of origin who'd been able to enjoy the greatest gift together with me, instead of treating life as some sort of competion, where the best man wins, and the other dies. My second brother is the godfather to one of my sons, but he never bothered to remember. He never asked me to be godmother to his son, but asked the baby sister he hardly knew, as him and I had been very close our whole time growing up, inspite of mothers attemts to make him ruin my love for him. In the end he managed to do that himself, so today the feeling is that I will not have any more with those wishing ill on me - not until pigs start to fly...  

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane