The HIDING of all your creative stuff and SHAME for anything you've made (art, poems, and so on) I totally agree with. It's insane to me now how shameful I was for EVERYTHING when I was young and still living at home. I hated my body and was 100% convinced NO-ONE could love such a foul, ugly being like me. My surprise was ENORMOUS when I went out in the world and people didn't hate me, and some even thought I was an equal!!!! My GOD - I was "normal"... What a shocker!!!! I'd been told I was a NOTHING. So that was a wonderful feeling that I could have friends, and even boyfriends. My narc bro had made his life mission, as long as he lived at home, to ruin any relation to guy's I LIKED and who liked me too. He lied to them, telling me I'd had sex with random guys and he tried to push boys HE THOUGHT I should date onto me. I remember a big cloud lifted from my life when he left as my mother and father was nothing as abusive as he was - he still is. He's living on the other side of the world and he's still smearing me to all our relatives. He loves FACECROOK as you can do that there. He claims to everyone that I'm having a hate campaign about him and others, and he's spreading out total lies about me. Whatever they use as "proof" of my abusive behaviour is stuff they managed to find out about me, as they've been shared my domain-name (before I knew they would do this to me) and from there on they can find other links as I have everything collected there.
It's an anonymous, more or less, domain as I was stalked by some nasty people before I bought that domain and I tried to make it as hard as possible to understand what family it's about. No last names, but still I want to show my family and write my blogs about my family and what happens in our lives, what I think about and am sad about. I like to talk about memories and alot about pathology and many more subjects I care about. My family want NOTHING of that! At the same time they all smear me behind my back and I can not even write my blogs or websites without being lied about and abused. My narc bro totally wish me gone from the face of earth and he straight out told me that, as he obviously hated me his whole life, and only faked caring to gain our parents approval. I was born after him, so I'm not surprised. I don't do jealousy and never done, so when my father rejected me for my baby sister I never thought about it twice. I just accepted I'd grown old and ugly and that he nomore liked me, as I was not as cuddly and cute as my beloved sister. Yes, I totally loved her and put her needs before mine. I also loved my narc bro with all my heart and thought he loved me too. I so feel like a stupid cow for imagining that now. And realize all my bad relationships in my youth was my relationship to this brother repeated. I kept believing guys liked me too, just cause I liked them, but then I grew up and married a non-narc. A guy who wanted to be loved a lot and noticed I was a kind and loving person.
We are still together and we do love each other alot, being best friends as we are. I don't demand everything, as I NEVER thought I'd get married ever never, when I grew up. Getting married, being somewhat loved and raising a family was the best thing ever and I'm a very happy person. I generally love people and I love listening to others stories and I feel so much of what others feel I think I'm almost psychic, or what they call an "empath". I can predict others lives, just based on what I feel from them. I pick up alot from others, and being around nasty toxic users are like the most devestating experience for me. I am what my family call "over sensitive" and alot of my narc bro's abuse of me he made righteous by the statement that he only was helping me to "toughen up". He rather broke me down! He also broke his older brother and has used him as a slave his whole life. He sits there and demands things and favors from this brother, who's helping him ALOT. I wish he could tell his nasty brother to get the f*ck out of his servers and get a new server and go and pesture someone else. But he seems to LOVE his brother no matter what abuse he's spewing out about me and him. He keeps complaining that the narc brother just need to see the light. It's so frustrating as I realized years ago that he was a user that used us as his servants and didn't care a bit about us and our emotions. I've seen the narc bro for decades spew out belittling comments and talk behind the other brothers back. It's been so VERY frustrating that he just wont tell that bastard to go away and leave him alone. Thanks to the narc bro he's gotten ALOT of enemies and alot of people thought the nice brother was just as big an asshole as the narc one.
It's all about the narcissists so if you complain you are the problem, so you stop telling anyone anything or asking for anything. You become NOTHING. Then you are treated as scapegoat, as the narcissists and their minions fill in the blanks (noone knows you, you're a blank) and paint their own ugly picture ON you... Whenever people were bad to the narc bro, for instance on the net, both me and the nice brother used to support our brother. I stopped when he turned on me and supported his foe against me! I realized he RATHER took side with the person being nasty towards him, then appreciate my sympathy and support. Then I realized alot of what he wrote about I did not agree on at all, as many of his foes started agreeing with stuff I wrote and called my narc bro an idiot, privately to me! How funny... I stopped meddling after awhile, but looked for years how the nice brother kept trying to understand the hateful warmongering shit our narc bro spewed out. I totally felt he should not do that, and he lost ALOT of credibility by obsessingly looking for the "good" in all this narc bro wrote. At the same time he always tried to find something "bad" in all I wrote! Finally, after all this hell we've come to a point when I more felt being treated as an equal, almost, with my narc bro, which was all I wanted, but never could hope for. Now the nice bro actually can see "good" in most I write - miracle! And he can see the "bad" in the narc bro's stuff without trying to smooth over all the time. Still I wish he could get he's just an asshole, and there is no way he does not know I am innocent to all the made up stuff he and our sister (also our NM) are claiming about me. I know they all know I am, but they "feel better" when they project their own shit on me. As they've always done.
As soon as I saw they were up to this shit again in 2013 I wrote them that I was now done with them due to this and that - a short description. So they KNOW what they've done that made me go NO CONTACT. So all their lies about me doing stuff to them are made up and they keep on stalking my sites and smearing me to others for doing exactly like all survivors NEED to do - tell their story and extract all the shit out of themselves as it was never their shit. I didn't deserve their willful lies and manipulations, as I was a very naive and trusty being my whole existens. I only wanted to love them and never demanded anything for myself that wasn't my equal right, and most times not even that as I'm not a materialist, but an idealist. I always was that silly and wanted to get along. And I was very shy and it was awful whenever relatives lashed out in vile hate towards me, without knowing why. I often thought about killing myself for years, and when I am around their hate I still get that overwhelming feeling - to kill myself. When a child I felt like that as I imagined they'd regret their emotional abuse if I did kill myself, but then I realized they did not care. Now I only want to go away from this evil place where people can treat a person so vile, after she's only been kind to them all her life. They seem to try and provoke me into some sort of reaction, so they can spew hate and lies about me as soon as I get upset or sad. This has been their modus operandi my whole life. They did this to my nice brother too, so he's choosen to flat line his emotions and look "happy go lucky" all the time, no matter what sick things both our narc bro and NM do. Then he tries to walk away and avoid all conflict with them, but he refuses to go NO CONTACT.
He just can't do it, as he's afraid they will use that as a weapon against him and his family as that happened when they went no contact in 1998. What he did wrong then was that he overdid taking the high road and silently suffered and refused to tell me or anyone what had happened. Everyone thought they were silly, while reality was that mother had been totally SICK towards my bro's wife, and she should had been hold accountable for her vicious abuse. When they finally told me 15 yrs later I got so very upset and mostly cause I had no idea back then! Now I understand why NM was so weird after that. She acted out like a total victim with me and made up I'd lied to her and set her up, while I was very clear and could not had been misunderstood. Still she made up the story I'd fooled her we were going to come and stay for a few days, and then without telling her changed our minds. All lies. A while later she however showed alot of sucking up to me almost. She even helped me with the babtism of my fourth child in 2000 and she NEVER cared for any of my children before that. I was so happy as I thought whatever was wrong with mom she was working on it now. So stupid, as she was most likely only showing off and punishing my brother and his wife! It was not about me at all... Atleast that is how I look on it now, as she still lashes out on me in sick vileness IF I try to defend this brother. She did that on dad's funeral in 2012, which is the last time I saw her. She refused to come and visit for a whole year, until we told her we wanted her nomore in our lives. Then she spread out to people we refused to LET HER visit us. What a great excuse for her, so she could play the victim while not having to visit me or my children and grandchild anymore!