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måndag 16 mars 2015

Ingis World of Vendela

This is my sixth page of my so called "green sites", though that has nothing to do with the site colour. This site is pink and not green. It's cause the green sites have to do with my everyday life, here in my Green World. My country is very green, or it has been so far, but if the tree death continues it will be less green. As you by now must have figured out the site is about my daughter Vendela, who's my baby girl I had late, when I already had turned 38 years old. I hope that will not make her too spoiled, but I think it's too late to worry about that, as of course everyone been cuddling with her from day one. If you want to go and see the site, just click here for the link - Ingis World of Vendela. I started this page when she was just a little girl, so there is alot of small girl stuff there. Also the name is more like for a little girl, then a teenager. I don't want to change the name however, as there are so much graphics to change if that would be done successfully. Vendela did play in a real playhouse when she was smaller, but it's gone many years now since she last did that. It seems like that house is mouldy and not too healthy anymore. Which is sad as I'd liked my grandchildren to play in there too one day.

The things Vendela like most to do these days seem to be watching videos on the internet. She says she watches YouTube alot and I guess she also does other things. It's gone a very long time since I saw her play with her The Sims4, which she so badly wanted when it came out. I can't even remember that I ever saw her play it and I was so curious on that game and wish I could play it myself. I have The Sims2 on my computer, but it seems like it does not work too well. Either my computer has too new operating system, or the old valleys are corrupted due to all the cheats I've used. Both me and Vendela used to create all sorts of weird beings, using cheats. I kind of miss those times when we played the same games and made stories together. I'm a bit childish, I know, but I like to play with those sims figures and I wish the games were even more realistic and one could do more things by free choice. I hate games that try to force you in one direction, as I wish totally free will games. I want to be the one who decides what my character likes and what they want with their life. Why play otherwise?
Like all my children I feel that Vendela is more like her father then me. Both in her interests and the way she thinks. It's kind of surprising that none of my children are like me, even if there are some looks that are kind of similar, but even that is very vague. It's like I only gave birth to them and hardly had nothing to do with their DNA. Either that or I am just blind, as some say my oldest daughter is like me. I think she's almost the child most like her dad! This daughter always said that Vendela is most like me, but I fail to see that too. I like to talk about feelings and thoughts I have, but she rather talk about other things, jokes and funny things they're doing or watching. It's very unlike me who are dwelling on stuff, and over analyzing everything. She finds that totally boring, so no use to try to talk to her as she'll tell me to shut up. I would never tell anyone to shut up when talking about deep things, but get more interested, or atleast be too polite to say anything. She's not specially "polite" that way. Her siblings are all more polite, I'd say, even if her oldest brother is known to speak his mind, no matter what. But Zak does like to talk about weird matters that interests me too, and in that way he's the one most like me. 

I would say that it's impossible to say that anyone is like me and to be honest they are not as persons particulary like their father either. Perhaps on the surface somewhat, but not as their true persons. All children are very uniqely themselves, and thank god for that. Vendela knows what she wants and she's not affraid to show it. She will however rarely tell you much, or just one time and then very silently. But she will not tell it again or in a loud voice so you truly understand. She will instead refuse to budge. She will not move and she will sulk till you "get" what's the matter. This has caused us great stress and irritation, as it takes so much time and energy to figure out all these "secrets". Then you feel deeply guilt tripped too, as you always are told that you "didn't listen", or something similar. And you go back and you don't remember her saying anything but perhaps something you could not hear, and asked her about a few times, but she refused to repeat. I don't know why she's behaving this way, but that it's part of her personality and will most likely never go away, but perhaps get a little less difficult as she matures. I think she's very sensitive and the slightest feeling of not being "heard" upsets her. She craves lots of hugs and kisses, but it's hard to feel that cuddly when she's missing the school bus for the zillions time over some unheard whisper.
I don't want to sound like I'm angry with her, as I'm not, but sometime it happens that it feels a little too much for us, as parents. We have no idea why she does this and we've never had this kind of problem with any of our other children. Sure, the oldest son had problems getting in time to school too, but it was cause of his obsessions over his hair he had when in Vendelas age. It was nothing that lasted forever and it was not constant. He normally got up and dressed and so did all our other children. Best behaved was the oldest daughter, who went up in time, dressed and made herself ready from she was quite small. I think I've not had much trouble with getting her to school from she was 6-7 years old. She was the oldest child and had to behave, or that's what she believes was the reason for this. When she was 6 years old she had one little brother who was 3 years and one who was just a baby. There might be some truth in that, as she was a very good girl, though very creative and clever at making hell of a mess in the house. She was the worst in that department, the oldest one. They all have special talents, my children, as you can hear. Both good and bad once, though it's in the eyes of the beholder to judge it bad or good.

To be honest I feel it's a very good quality to be strong minded and not let yourself be pushed around, so I have a very double feeling about all this trying to force your children to go to school when they don't feel like going to school. If there was something wrong with the other children, with some teacher or what have you, but when it's the child who does not feel well and perky and wish to stay at home and do what interests them instead, it feels rather ruthless and intrucive to try and force it. To me we live in a civilization of bullies where kind people are pushed around, and your ability to stand up for yourself is slowly erroded away. I feel truly like a mean person when I force my children to go to schools that are not healthy for them, and I know they are not. I didn't want my pregnant daughter got to her school, as soon as I found out about the pregnancy, since I knew developing fetuses are extra sensitive to wireless radiation and schools are just filled with that shit. But my daughter didn't want to miss any more school then necessary, so she went as often as she could. After awhile we found out something in the developing baby went wrong, and had to go to a specialist already when he was in her belly. 
And when he was born we found out yet two other weird mutations. As mutations is what happens due to radiation it's not impossible that had part in it. All three mutations had also happened in the same fase of development. They even told my daughter it was the same week they'd happened. There were two pregnant women on that school at that time - one pupil and one teacher - and both had premature births, which otherwise is not too common. One like to think that it had nothing to do with the school, but it's hard to ignore it with all the science, so there is a good reason that I'm reluctant to force her little sister to schools who don't care for the childrens health, just to save a buck. At least they've begun to give them somewhat eatable food, which they didn't when her brothers went there. Her closest brother had been normal in weight when he started on that school, but soon he lost so much he got us really worried. He was sickly hungry all the time, and we gave him money to buy something to eat and I sent on sandwiches for him. But then we realized that he neither went well with bread nore milk, so it was hard to find anything for him to eat when there was no real food served at the school. 

As his sister is really particular with food we were afraid when she was to start this school, but she seems to have coped the first year on bread mostly, as she refused to eat the food. She didn't do that since she disliked it, but cause her friend from the past school refused to go to the cantina, so cause of that our daughter felt she had to adopt to her friends wishes. She's a very nice girl, Vendela, but then this friend got mad at her for refusing to go on a school trip to Germany and stopped being friends with our daughter. Shortly before that our daughter had also gone against her and actually eaten the food at school, so I guess she finally stood up for herself. Since then she seems a little more healthy and I hope her problems with going to school will vanish as she has one whole year left after summer. At the moment I guess everyone has low levels of Vitamine D, so I'm not surpised also Vendela is feeling low, but spring is coming and the sun. Pity is one method some people try to gain power over others and I've been worried for many of my children as they are prone to empathy for others. Which is fine when you recieve empathy back, but in many cases people are only expecting and never giving.
Now have I lingered on about my little baby girl, who is no baby anymore, but it's time to talk about the gifts I've given her. At the top is a pink graphic I made from a tutorial, using a tube of my choice, and I fell for the girl with the basket. I also choose to do it in pink, while her sister got the original, which was blue. Below that is another one I used a nice picture and a tutorial, but used another effect so the frame got softer. I also changed the colour to this very pale pink, as the original had strong colours. The cute squirrels I put into the same tutorial I've made for all my other children, but to Vendela I choose a pink colour. The forth gift in a sharp pink colour I used a tutorial for, but changed the frame just slightly. The picture was one made of the same artist as was suggested. Just above here is a vector-graphic also made from a tutorial, and then I added a frame I already had to it. Below is a tutorial too, with a lady in pink and turquoise. It's made with selections and not vectors. I think I will stop there as there are so many gifts it gets quite boring hearing about all of them at the same time. Or ever. Anyways, you might see that I often choose pink in Vendelas graphics and as you will see I also love turquoise.

Vendela has blue eyes, just like her oldest brother Zak, while her closest brother Jer has dark brown eyes, and her sister Magda has green eyes. So all children has somewhat different eye colours, and the blue eyed children have not exactly the same kind of blue. I think Vendela has more pale blue and Zak a little darker, but I can be mistaken. He's moved away from home for more then a year ago, and moved again late last year, but will move again next month. Vendelas oldest sister moved away from home more then two years ago, and last summer she moved again. They are looking for a new home, as it's kind of small what they have, so hopefully they all will end up closer as it takes more then 30 minutes to drive to either one of them now. Still at home now are Vendela and her brother Jer, and we don't know for how much longer he's still here as he will finish school this summer. Perhaps he starts university close by and stay a little longer, perhaps he moves and we are left with one teenager. I do hope he will stay longer, as his sister and him gets along so very well and never ever fights. Not like they did when they were much younger and had problems understanding each other. I think they've worked beautifully to learn to respect each other and be good friends.
My next site I will talk about will be about friendship as that is a very important issue for me. But another important issue is siblings and for my world I cannot understand my own and how cruel and heartless they've acted to me my whole life. At this point I only wish to keep my relationship with my oldest brother as he's the only one with decency enough to make an apology for all he remembers he did, but also for things he might have forgotten that was hurtful to me. I've told him that I'm sorry for anything I've made to him that might had felt hurtful. You see, you don't need to remember everything, but you need to ask for forgiveness. Believing you don't need to do that, when in fact you have hurt someone and you risk to loose a sibling cause of your haughtiness is not really worth it. However, evil siblings will try make you ask for forgiveness for things they've done. That's how my other two siblings are, that they think they are clever when they spread out shit about me, making out that I've done what they've done, and try to guilt trip me to ask them for forgiveness. On several occasions I've even read the most stuck up human being I've met accuse me and my humble brother, who did apologize to me, for not showing any humility. That is so irritating anything can be, which is the reason she behaves that way - to irritate. We ignore.

It's very hard to brake free from a cult family, where heavy brainwashing been going on, but I feel I'm well on my way. Many times I've been dead afraid my only family of origin I have left will go back to them, as he does pick up the phone when mother phones and he does read mails from the siblings. I would never do either purposely, while I've by mistake liftet the phone a few times, but that gave me the opportunity to tell her what she'd already been told by my brother. But she refused to accept it when he told her in 2013, and she refused to accept it 1½ years later. What I know have happened didn't, according to her, and my feelings due to all of that does not matter. No, they don't exist in reality and are only proof of my mental illness, as disagreeing with hers lies are insane. Not according to her own brother, who wrote in the 80's that his sister was insane and that an aunt called her acting like she was posessed when their mother was ill. I know what he talks about and he was right. She was calling both her brothers psychopaths to all who cared to listen, just like she now is defaming me. She was totally obsessed with the inherence after their parents, just like she is now, only now she's doing everything to rip me and my children off, and her oldest son and his children.
She's doing that as she wish to help her extension - her youngest daughter. That woman is so like her mother it's scary. They've both had the same surgery on their noses as both had too tight channels to breath, and watching sister before her operation you can clearly see how like they are. She also made plastic surgery when under the knife so hence it's harder to see the likeness. But they are very like. The other difference is that sister has those big teeth some others in mothers family have, but mother does not. I had the same nose as dad, but I had to make an operation as that nose actually gave me migrains. It had a bump and that created a shadow and flickering lights cause migrains. I've inherented migrain from my mothers mothers side, and my ugly thin lips from mother, but the teeth are like dad's and so are most of the rest. I'm scarily alike my father, which he didn't realized until 2010, two years before he died. Up till that he thought I was just as worthless as his ex since 1991 made out behind my back that I was, while she pretended to be my friend. I now know that the only possibility information cae to my siblings, things I'd said in confidance to mother, is that she spelled the beans and exaggerated to make me look bad.

I should not be surprised if she said the most horrible things behind my back as I remember her totally lying to her own mother about me back in the 80's. It was so shocking that I could not believe she'd done it, but evidence clearly shows that my granny, mothers mother, totally thought I was behaving at home in a way that was totally the opposite to the truth. All my help and good deeds ever since my baby sister was born in 1971, when I was almost 9, mother took away from me like they've never happened. Granny believed mother was a perfect saint and I was a horried user! When I told dad's oldest sister about this revelation I had had when 22, she clearly did not believe me. I could hear it in her voice and see on her body language, that she thought I was exactly how granny believed. I got so mad that mother must have been backstabbing me to my whole extended family. What horrible mother does that to her innocent, kind and helpful daughter? Now I have studied and now I know. It's not all too uncommon actually and that is the sad thing about it. That so many like myself have been suffering from bad reputation due to putdowns and untruthful twists of reality, to make some in the family look better. It's called to be "scapegoated" and results in extremely low selfesteem and a stream of unfullfilled dreams in the backwater.
Every family have someone who likes to get into trouble more then the others, and in a normal family that person is the one named as the troublemaker. But in a sick and twisted family it's not the one behaving appalling that is named as the meanance. A totally innocent bystander are. I don't have many exact examples anymore as like most scapegoats I suffer from memory loss when it comes to my childhood. I've talked to the firstborn scapegoat and he has the same problem with memory, only that we together could help each other remember a little more. In short I know for sure that our brother could do whatever he liked and if it was bad enough his older brother, mostly, got to get the total blame for all of it. However, it was an easy pick as the oldest one was quite wild and full of ideas what to do to see what would happen. He didn't seem to understand the consequenses of his actions, so he did lots of things that was not so good to do. And he got alot of spanking for it. In my opinion this behavior only gets worse if there is not logic in the punishment you lash out at the child. If the child sees that another child can get away with really naughty stuff just by framing his brother, I guess the child does not learn a thing more then that this world is a very unfair place.

This was always a dilemma for me raising my four children, as I didn't want to blame someone innocent for another childs mischief. I think it's better to not punish then to punish the innocent, and to tell them to try and be nice to each other. In my family it was the oldest boy who did naughty things out of thoughtlessness and he tried to frame his sister for it. However she did not get spanked but she was often very upset due to this, so it happened that she was told that she was the oldest and to finish the fight she should be the one who stopped arguing, as her brother would not obiously admit to anything. How could I know who was truthful and who was making up things, as in many cases children both believe their version to be the right one? This is not what I'm talking about here, but this is what the liars in my family like others to believe is the case. In my family there were people who straight out lied to frame the innocent for what they've done themselves. It started out with our parents always blaming the older boy for what the younger had done. It was always the oldest fault, no matter what. Like I said, he was wild in a certain age and easy to frame, but he got calmer when he got older and in many ways his younger brother was even wilder after that.
If you punish a child for being wild and reckless you will teach them to calm down and think before they take to actions. That happened alot with my oldest brother who began to be much more careful, and not just do whatever popped up in his head. However, his brother kept doing whatever he fancied for as long as I've known him. And like I said, he was never punished for any mischief he did, ever. At the most the parents laughed at his bravery and recklessness, like it was something admirable. They used to liken him to fathers father who did all sorts of crazy things without thinking them through properly. So one boy was likened to the hero-like grandfather when behaving irresponsible, and the other was not at all. And that taught them different values for the same actions, that some are good and fun doing crazy stuff, and others are just illbehaved. This is how you create a scapegoat, as the one getting the negative judgement will become obsessed with doing right, and no matter how hard he tries it will never be good enough. And try such a person will. They will try until they've made one after the other sucesses, but no matter what they succeed with it will never be admired or acknowledged by the scapegoating parents. Eventually all the rejection will tear down the hopes of ever be good enough and many are the adult scapegoated children that have hit a brick wall.

At the same time as the scapegoated child can never become good enough, there is almost nothing the choosen child can do wrong. So while the scapegoat work hard and get very good jobs, a nice wife and wonderful children, the choosen one - the Golden Child - can go from one relationship to another, have all sorts of weird jobs and hardly get anywhere in life. Some might do really good however, as they got such a boosted up selfconfidence that it helps them get ahead without much effort. It all depends on their personalities and also golden children are not totally like each other. There are similarities, like the selfentitlement, the grandious belief in their rights beyond their scapegoated brother or sister, but otherwise a golden child can be both very intellectual and stupid like an eggplant. That's why my two golden children are very unlike each other. One went for an academical careere, and the other skipped all education and just made shit up and went from there and charmed people to get ahead. In my opinion the first golden child was made this way cause of mother and also the enabler, our father. He could had been a nice person, but all the spoiling and boosting of his ego made him loose it. He's also very fragile and can crack any moment, and then it's not pleasant to be around him as he's like a vulcano erupting. 
All this is very odd to his two closest siblings as we used to erupt when we were children, due to his mind fuck, when he turned reality upsidedown. But now he's acting out of control, ranting, misbehaving and being extremely rude to people, and that if reality does not fit his world view. This is typical for aging narcissists, I've been told, that they begin to loose it, and after what I've gathered people born with an inclination for narcissism can get so much worse if they are not properly raised, in equality and fairness. So therefore I blame our parents for ruining our dear brother, as both me and my oldest brother actually did love him alot, but there is not much to love anymore as horrible as he's become. And while a narcissist gets worse by age, us two non-narcissists have learnt the uselessness in arguing with narcissism. We've learned that it's better to walk away then try to reason with them, or try to make such a person see anything your way. A narcissist does not care if you are hurting, he does not care if he's wrong about you, or that he's been helping out to destroy someone who loved him with all her heart. Narcissists only care to protect their EGO of righteousness, and we as brother and sister to such a being must realize that and emotionally detach from him and the kind of abuse he's lashing out at us.

Of course I do know that he knows that he's been unfair and that I was telling the truth all this time and that his oldest brother told the truth. That's why he's extra dangerous, as he knows he's been wrong. He fell for the sociopathic lies, which are built up and created during years of deception. The lies that our two remaining women in our FOO have been spinning. It's not for me to say if mother was totally in on it from the start, or if she just adjusted her reality view as she took cues from the master liar in our family. As I've said it does not really matter anymore, as anyone doing that, changing past history of what they've said before, to fit new versions of reality, are acting deliberately false and are also a liar. So mother is a liar, and did I not know it already! She lied about me to granny and whatever bad things she said about me she most likely spread to others. No wonder the whole extended family of old women believe that I'm exactly like her and that my sister is like our father. That is the lies mother has spun, where she made her own mother believe I was lazy, like mother was, and that she cooked and cleaned and did things I did. I helped out so much father didn't want me to leave and refused to let me pay my way at home, as he thought I paid with work. But in mothers story to granny I refused to pay and do any work. How evil isn't that?
When I think back about the shock and horror I felt when I realized at age 22, that mother had lied about me to my dear granny and made her believe I was a real monster, then I also must realize that this lie she spun to others too. I must understand that this was the reason fathers sisters thought my sister was a saint, and I was a very bad person. It's almost impossible to understand that they could believe such foul things about that shy and introverted poor young girl, but they did. I was so shy and akward and I did not have a clue how to talk to people. I never spoke unless spoken to and then I spoke with my heart in my throat, scared to death I'd say something that would upset someone. And being looked upon like a bad person did not help at all. Now I also know that someone has framed me for the chickens that the family dog killed thanks to our golden brother. It was actually his dog, but a few months before he let the dog loose to kill those chickens he'd got bored with the dog, and since I already took more care of her then he did he proclaimed that the dog now was mine. Somehow this action by my brother was then framed onto me and also his unwillingness to pay for the damages was framed onto me. I found out about this 35 years later!

When people use you as a scapegoat they rather not get to know you, and they avoid speaking to you or listen to you. None of my relatives ever took their time to get to know me and if I dared to speak out about anything I was swiftly shut down with a snidy remark, making sure that I knew I was the dirty bastard for daring to go against some holy golden child. My father was his families golden child, what I've figured out, so I guess that was the reason I could not speak about his mistreatment of me either. I truly loved my father but he pushed me away long before I became a teenager, and I will never forget his eyes of disgust when I was in my pre-teen years. It totally devestated me that I've grown into such an ugly monster my father could not stand to look upon. I love beauty and so I will now talk about my gifts instead. The gemini-gift I made using a tutorial and just adding the graphic of the sign in the middle. The tea pot and cups I made up myself using vectors and the pink girl and the victorian gifts are both tutorials. The bunny above is a vector-tutorial I put into a graphic I made and the angel below is a tutorial. When people behave ugly towards me I always tried to make the world more pretty making beautiful things instead. And animals been the best friends I've ever had as they like me for who I am, and not for what others say I am. That's what I wish for Vendela, to be liked for who she is, as she's a beautiful and strong soul, with compassion and love in her heart.
Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane