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torsdag 30 april 2015

Returning Back To The Core


 

Today I was again going back to the reason why my sister showed me the agreement dad had made with her back in 1996. I've contemplated this over and over again now for 2 years and come up with different reasons. One was purely legal, that she did it to cover her ass, as if she'd not shown it and the third missing copy would turn up I thought that she was afraid that I would sue her for conning me into signing the house over to her on false premises. Once I've read the agreement, and still had signed the house over to her after her conditions, and not fathers, I imagined that she might think that I'd burned my bridges. I also imagined that as soon as I was to talk about this written agreement, and our two brothers would reject their right to also read it, they'd had no more rights as soon as they also did as they were told by her.

That is how I imagined that it must had been. That this was the reason she made me go through this horrible ordeal. Just so she could earn a few bucks more then the rest of us, or rather, she would gain as much as the boys as she's convinced that they'd both gotten far more then her. She always been honest about one fact - I've gotten far less from father then any of the others. That is also the fact that makes me now most disgusted with our mother, as she actually wrote to our legal help and lied to him that I was one of her four children who'd gotten the most, and that all my sister ever got was that house, she never actually did get. Why she did that is a question for another blog, but so far my guess is that she did it just cause she's a spiteful, evil, old hag who hates me. That explaination will have to do for now, as today I want to discuss the reason my sister did what she did.

As I was out with the dogs doing the garden I was contemplating this issue again, for like the zillionth time, and came to the conclusion that as there was nothing legally binding about the agreement father had written, there were not really anything supporting my first theory. Well, my sister might not had understood this and still done it cause of that reason, but I think I was overthinking it. I actually think she just did it to destroy me, and for no other reason in the world. Like I've said so many times on this blog I was severely ill for many years, starting with me loosing my long hair in early 2002, having serious fatigue symptoms all that summer and then after helping my sister move from her house to an apartment in July 2003 getting sudden muscel weakness. I started falling down and dropping stuff I hold in my hands. It was really annoying as I had a three year old toddler and also three older children, so I needed to be able to carry her alot and do alot of housework, but my body would not comply.


This all escalated through the years with me loosing more hair, getting more tired and also getting problems with memory and other more accute health issues. During this time I did see doctors a couple of times, but they both confirmed I was in perfect health and made me feel stupid and overreacting. The first time I went to the doctor was in March 2004 and I'd paid for a full health check up. Much later I realized that I never got what I'd paid for and that the doctor had sent me home without doing any blood work. I don't know why, but I felt so ashamed that I'd not noticed during the visit so I never went back and told them to give me one, as I'd paid for it. I felt so stupid for not realizing that they never did and for how the doctor had looked at me and behaved. She was so convinced I was faking it and that despite me having all my four children with me, as I never had any babysitter and no free time to myself. 

I mention that as I do remember another story that mother told when she was a young mother of only three. She went to the doctor without her children and still he believed her stories and he almost forced her to take out sick leave and go away from us for a few months. How differently people treat someone like her compaired to someone like me. I am also contemplating this issue and have a few thoughts about why this is so, as I'm sure my mother is something called a malignant covert narcissist. If she's not that, she sure is something very similar. They are known for their abilities to manipulate people into believing them and helping them out. People seem to always want to please narcissists and it's almost like everyone feel extra sorry for them, while totally ignoring the non-narcissists, no matter what they are going through. It's like the story about the broken nail and the loss of the child, where the narcissist gains all pity due to the nail, while the mother loosing her only child is ignored, since she's not a narcissist.

This was of course a sidetrack, as I'm bad at following the red thread, but the thing is that if this doctor had not decided that she was a psychic and just magically could tell what was wrong, or not, with people, I'd been checked then, like I paid for. And if I'd not been made to feel so stupid and ridiculous my whole life, I'd gone back to the doctor and told her what a bitch she was for sending me home without doing the blood tests. And if I'd done that they'd had to do the tests already in summer of 2004 and from there on I'd been put under treatment. But instead I felt stupid and ignored my health issues as much as I could. Also, your body adapts to poor conditions and you learn to hold on to things, even when your muscels don't work alright. Next year I got pregnant, and due to my condition I lost the baby, but I also went to see another doctor as I was worrying that there was something wrong with me that caused me to loose the baby. 


Also that doctor said I was alright and that there was nothing wrong with me. But when I asked my present doctor in 2012 to check out if they did any blood work on me back in 2005, I found out that they'd not done it either. So I'd been unchecked for a very long time and only gotten worse every year. By 2011 I'd had constant pains and problems with my personal hygien for several years, due to a combination of damages during the birth of my children and infections I'd had for years. So one day in September everything just stopped. I could not run anymore, not even the slightest. I'd tried to run to get some training and it always felt like running through thick mud, but all of a sudden I could not even run one step. My heart was pounding and it was exhausting to even walk in a slow paste. This started in just an instance, just like what had happened to me in summer 2003. It was the 5th of September, only 20 days to my grandson's christening.

The rest of the month I was sitting on a chair to bake all the cakes for the christening and I also had to make my mother take her dog back, which she'd refused to come and fetch after I'd picked her up at father's place, where mother had dumped her dog that summer. At the christening I was so dead tired everything was so hard to do and after that event things got much worse. At the end I could not walk more then a few steps and I had to crawl up the stairs, one step at a time. It was just awful and I truly thought that this was it for me. The reason I would not go to any doctor was my insight that no matter how I felt no doctor would help me or acknowledge that I was ill. That was actually true, as none so far had bothered to take me seriously and just decided that since I looked so perky I must be healthy. I must admit that I felt very ridiculous for even going to that doctor back in 2004, as she found nothing wrong with me by looking at my face for three seconds. 

Now I've retold some of this old health story again and if you've followed my blog you know that my daughter finally forced me to see a doctor, as I refused to help her out with her son. She didn't do it cause she believed me, she's confessed later on, but cause she was annoyed with me for pretending to be ill, when I was obviously not. So it was not only doctors not believing me, as I now know that none of my relatives do, nore any lawyers or anyone really. It does not matter what subject, people all over the place look upon me as a horrible person who make up shit that is not true. None of these people are basing this assumption on anything I've done, but on their own prejudices about "someone like me". Who am I then that would be such an awful person that everyone think the worst of? I look like I came from Poland, or Russia, but that is just my outer look.


What does this tell you? That people don't trust people from Poland and Russia? Something inside of people tell them that if you look polish, etc, you are a liar? Is that true? Of course not. No-one is a liar for having a certain hair colour, eye colour or facial features. There is another thing also that makes people believe I'm a liar, by the way. It's cause I've been scapegoated as a child, punished for no known reasons, and when you do that to a person they get insecure and don't know their own rights. That will come out as an avoidant person and people don't trust people who seem to not trust them. But that is nothing you can wish away, as having a low self esteem is engrained in you so early in your development. All of this makes me the perfect target of a sociopathic assault, as I was also recovering from this long illness, finally diagnosed and treated in October 2011. 

There is one important factor about sociopaths you need to know. They often plan very far ahead by planting little seeds into people. In this case I believe it all began in summer 1992, when I heard that my sister had gotten the house as a gift, for nothing, from father. I also heard that father refused to write anything down on paper about this. The person telling me all this was my sister, and then mother was repeating this mantra for two decades. The last decade she was also promoting one more mantra, as our second brother must had gotten so jealous at his baby sister he'd forced father to make him a house too. So the last decade mother was promoting that mantra too. There was now one proper house on the estate and one outhouse that mother said both belonged to these two siblings. Mother was also constantly telling me that the house was not legal and there were no papers on it.

All these mantras got repeated again and again until we all believed them like people in older times trusted the words that came out from the local priest. It was pure brainwashing, and we all believed that our sister got her house for nothing from our father, that the house was not a real house, that she paid every year 10 K for the house, that our brother had paid his outhouse and built it with the help of father. All these mantras we believied, and we trusted our mother, brother and sister on their words when they said that father got it all mixed up as he got older and that he had "forgotten" what was true and what was not. Then, two days after father had died, my sister showed me the agreement on the house and I could read that I got it all wrong. It didn't bother me as I thought it must be our mother who's twisted it, as I know she is stubborn as a mule when she gets an idea into her head, and no amount of proof or disagreement from you will change her mind.


There was this instance when I had phoned her, back in 1998, and said we'd pop in for a quick visit, but mother decided we were to stay over for several nights. I told her at once that would not happen as it was school next day, but mother would not have it any other way, so she decided we'd said we were staying over. She made sure she was not at home when we popped by at the exact time we'd said we'd come. And then she'd phoned me in a rage over my insensitivity to not come as I'd said I would, as we had to leave after an hour to go home and get the children to bed. She'd screamed at me and been totally furious over how I'd conned her to go and buy alot of food, and that despite me telling her not to, as we could not stay for long, an hour tops, and that we didn't need anything to eat. For reasons like that I wasn't surprised mother had gotten everything backwards.

The thing with my mother is that despite her getting stuff backwards she will never ever admit she did. She will instead make up some elaborate fairytale making the other person look like a total nutcase in others eyes. To do that she makes up false allegations, like that one about me telling her we were coming to stay a few days with her. Total nonsense she after the event pretended to be facts. What she did is called "gaslighting" and if I'd not had my husband and children sitting in the background hearing every word I'd said, I'd been swayed to believe she might be right, and that I had by mistake said the wrong thing. This is how a pathological person can ware you down psychologically, by making you doubt your own memories, your own mind. It's one of the most horrendious abuse methods used by bullies and sadists and they use it to gain control over others. The more their target is made to doubt their own perception, the more can the abuser control the target and make them do things. 

In mothers two decades long story about the house agreement she'd both claimed that father never wrote such agreement, and she also had claimed that the house was totally a gift to my sister. And on top of that she'd also claimed that the house was not an official house, but built in secret. Now I know that there was an agreement, but that it was not legally binding and that any one of us three siblings only had to say no to agreeing to it's content and it was null and void. I also know now that the house was never a gift, but that father let my sister borrow it, when he wasn't renting it out to summer guests. I also know now that he intended us siblings to decide whether our sister was to get the house as part of her fair share or not, as he'd refused to sign a WILL, which we'd found unsigned in his house now in December of last year. In that will the sum both my sister, my mother and also the second brother is repeating like a mantra, is mentioned. That sum is 110 K for the house. 


But they claim this was the actual agreed upon sum, for which the sister was to have the house, and in the will father has with his own handwriting scribled down 210 K over that sum. Another thing is that already back in 1991, during the divorce mother put father through while I had their first grandchild, we've found paper evidence that the house she calls illegal, not a properly reported house, is totally a real house. It has it's own taxation value and it's all in the divorce papers. To top all of this off my oldest brother found insurance papers on that house dating back to 1996, the very year that the written agreement where made, and there father has insured the house for 230 K. All of this together makes pretty good evidence that he was never intending to let her have the house for 110 K and that I've been telling the truth all the time, just like my oldest brother has testified that I did. The only one in the room when I read the agreement, who's saying I'm lying, is our baby sister. 

There are plenty more people who claim that I'm lying and none of them were in the room, so why are they even pretending to know? Like I told you earlier on have I've been trained to take the blame for things that I've not done, and to tell you the truth I never liked it and I never accepted it. I used to tell them, when I was young, that I should tape record everything said in our house to flush out the real liars. That was back in the days they had tape recorders and unfortunately I broke mine so it never happened that I did record them. The reason I broke it was that I truly loved it. It was the best gift ever and I got it from my second brother, when he was nice to me. That's why both of his closest siblings never gave up on him, as he could be really nice, when he was not with our mother. He was almost only evil when he was with her, but totally okay otherwise most of the times. 

We both have felt really sorry for him many times as he's so obsessed with getting admiration from our parents, which is pretty pathetic as they were both totally into themselves. To give him credit he did make both our parents adore him most of all their children and he did put down alot of effort to acheive this. One thing he did very cleverly was to make his siblings look stupid by putting words and opinions unto us, that he just made up. That was the reason I broke the recorder, as he infuriated me one time with such a mind fuck. I told him to stop and tell the truth or I'd smash the recorder. No matter how sad I got from breaking it I knew nothing I cherrished would last in that house, so if I'd not smashed it, someone else would had taken it away from me sooner or later. To brake something you love yourself is to get control over the situation. It was kind of a relief when it was broken, as it was also making me feel in debt to my brother for being the one giving me my most beloved gift. 


In retrospect I think that the gift made me feel trapped, like I owed him to let him treat me worse if I kept it. What he does and did is that he turns everything backwards. What you've said, done, ment, thought. All of it he turns around so if he'd been provoking you with false allegations, which both you and him knew were made up shit, and you'd react in the slightest way negative, he'd use that to twist everything around to make you look stupid. It's hard to explain and today I don't remember any specifics, only that it was so painful and awful and that it used to drive both me and his brother totally mad. It was so upsetting, so unfair, so mean. It was cruel and you could see that he enjoyed it the more upset and sad he saw he made us. It was pure sadism.

That is the reason I understand that this brother would never admit that he'd gotten it all wrong, even if he was unaware of the truth of the matter concerning our sister's alleged house. Even if he fully well knew that she made all the crap up, and that father did tell him that, I'm sure he'd enjoy watching us suffer from all their mind games. Both him and mother are still today repeating the old mantra about the houses, like nothing happening these two last years ever happened. There is however one big change. Before they both used to say there were no written agreement, like it was the utter truth, but after the truth was revealed they are instead saying that everyone always known about these agreements - in pluralis even. Indeed, since his sister has said she'd gotten the first house he has claimed that he had the same oral agreement with father as she did. 

As soon as she admits that I'm right and there is a written agreement he says that he has the same written agreement as she has. When she says that I must have stolen father's copy of her agreement, he says that I must have stolen his agreement too. It's like listening to a mindless parrot really. At this point his brother pitties him and thinks that he's out of his mind and totally under the control of our crazy mother and sister. I don't feel it's wrong of me to call them crazy here, as this is not a blog I share under my real name or to any relatives or friends of theirs. They on the other hand have been calling me crazy to everyone, according to this second brother. I know a few they've defamed me to, and I know that my sister wrote to people two years ago and made up stuff about me, like I was insane, doing horrible things, threatening her, and all sorts of weird stuff. 


This is the actual clue to the reason she showed me her written agreement, as she'd been hiding the fact so long that father had signed that to her back in 1996. The agreement didn't say what she claims and everyone following her like obediant cult members claim. That is - the agreement didn't say that she'd have the house for 110 K, but it said "market value". The true value of the house on the house market now as the inherence is being shifted. That is the meaning of those words and since I'm a smart girl I understood the meaning. My sister knows that I'm the smart one, so she told me to read it carefully and made sure I understood it properly. If I'd forgotten I'd read it her plan would not had worked. I'd have no proof of her claims not being true, and despite that being backwards thinking, I'd still would not make a fuzz over something I could not prove not being correct. 

Even the lawyer ended up using backwards thinking, as you need to prove something being correct in a legal case like this, not finding evidence disproving it. He actually wrote that to me, that he could not find any proof against my sister and brother's claims about what father had promised them orally, so therefore he had to follow our father's will. Not legal will, but the will our siblings claimed that he'd intented when they spoke to them. The lawyer tried to con us to help our siblings out, which is so totally illegal you can become as a lawyer working with cases like this. He's supposed to shift the estate equally between the four of us, and instead he was trying to make those two get extras, just cause he thought they deserved it. Today I totally hate this guy and I'm sure he knows I do as he even was taunting me how much I'd hate him for what he was to do to me on our last meeting.

Actually he made me so furious over how he lied to us - straight in our faces and then in several mails - that I had to pretend my pillow was his face for about a month or two and then I bit his face off again and again. It kind of helped and I also cursed him a few times. One night I dreamt that I visited his office and he looked really sickly and I told him it was cause I've cursed him and that he was ill now and he would soon die. Just cause he'd tried to con me. That was pretty hilarious as I truly have not been so mad at anyone since the damn farmer shot my kitties. I've written about the curse I made back then, as a tiny little lassie, and how it came to get fullfilled just like I'd spoken it. I didn't find out until many years later, but when I did it shocked me. That was the first time I ever cursed someone and since then I've made a few, which all come true in one way or another. 


Two years ago I tried to make my sister get to her senses, so I begged her in a private mail to her to tell the truth, and then I also kind of half on fun made an oath and told her to dare to do the same and say that it's not true what I say. What happened after that is pretty normal for a sociopath. She used my private mail, which were between two once very close sisters, and she sent it on to alot of other people with her own little fairytale added to it. In my dare to her I'd warned her to not take my oath and lie, as I'd added a horrible curse to it, so if she'd lie she'd curse whatever was most precious to her. I really tried to warn her and in all the recording that I sent to her I sounded sweet and nice, but in my warning I sounded very serious and a tad bit angry. Of course I was angry. If I'd not been angry with her for what she'd put me through I'd be a psych case. 

It's normal to be angry at people who lie about events both you and them know happened. I know that she knew she'd shown me her agreement, and she knew that I knew that she knew and she had a great time laughing at me for how infuriating she knew she made me feel. To her it was just another game and she enjoyed how everyone believed every crap she made up, and no-one believed a word I said. That until she found out that not only did our oldest brother remember the event, which he was not supposed to bump into, but he did and he told her he did. She got so annoyed that he did and could not really come up with a believable lie for how he could remember the same thing as I did, so she just said she'd shown me another paper, not that paper. 

But just before that she acted like she'd never shown me any paper, and when she was found out in her lie, she turns around and admits to showing me a paper, but cannot straight ahead say what paper that was supposed to be. I don't know how long it took her to figure out an excuse, but a year later my witness finds out what she claims. According to her she'd shown me a loan agreement, that was unfavorable to her. As I said the agreement on the house was made in 1996, and that year father loaned all of his four children 60 K. Her paper on the loan is nothing special at all and it is nothing like the agreement I read, nore like the one our brother saw. Both him and I agree that there were like three paragraphs and I clearly remember the headline. Nothing like the loan agreement, and there is nothing about inherence or houses in any loan agreements either.


Another person who failed to believe her was my husband, who she tried to sway into her favor by making it out like I was the one making a fuzz and being weird. He totally understood the whole scam from the start and never was under any spell of the mantra they'd sprung on me and the oldest brother for so long that we almost could not believe what we saw. If I'd not so clearly read the headline in the agreement on the house I'm not sure I'd snapped out of the brainwashing as fast as I did. But it took up till my sister denying showing it to me and making everyone hate me that I truly understood what was up. It took awhile longer for the brother, as he'd only read a chapter in the middle and wasn't really sure it was the house agreement about the inherance, but just something about that house. 

I'd mentioned already a few months back the event, where I'd been shown the agreement by our sister, but he had at that time just dismissed it with the mantra. That is, he said there is no agreement on paper. That's how deeply they'd programmed us and that is why we both were using backwards reasoning when we wanted to follow their words only about what was up with these buildings. What I do have a hard time to get my head around is that they made the lawyer the same way in such a short time. He knows that only a will is legally binding and he told me so at the beginning. He also told me that neither of them have any special rights to any buildings on the farm and that they can only get them if we agree to it. I told him that I would agree to that if my sister took out her written agreement and showed it to everyone and admitted that she'd showed it to me back in 2012, two days after father died. 

Instead of making her do that he turned the law into a joke and pretended that we needed proof to disprove their claims. He went so far and wrote that there is no evidence suggesting this is not my father's intent. What an insult, when he knows that the agreement I read is not legally binding and what he tried to acheive is nothing less then following this agreement by forcing it upon me against my will. I have made it perfectly clear that to clear my name from the defamation my sister has made upon it I will not agree to anything supporting this agreement that I read, until it is put forward, she has admitted showing it to me, just like both me and our brother claim, and I also demand a public apology from her, which she has to publish where most of their smear have been posted - on Facebook.


The lawyer totally has ignored any of this and I'm sure he never even bothered to tell my sister this in any sort or way. Why he's ignoring my demands totally is cause he believes all the smear and lies they are telling about me, and that is why he's been bullying me together with them. It's cost me a small fortune to make the lawyer stop doing this to me and for that I also hate him as I'm a very poor person. I've been serverly ill for a very long time, as I mentioned above, and during that time all I have to live on was my husband's salary, which is nothing fantastic, and the child benifits the state gives out, which isn't much as it goes away when the child gets older. Also we give most of it to the children from they are 15 so today I have almost nothing every month. Maybe a couple of hundreds at the most. 

Thanks to this lawyer I have to pay another lawyer 19 K this month and even more the next month. I don't know how I am supposed to do so as none of our four children are working yet and like I said I have had no income for a very long time. I got 30 K back in 2003, and another 3 K after working the whole fall back in 2005. That is very little. This spring I've only earned 9 K and that was supposed to go to the new lawyer. What the lying lawyer did to make it difficult to me was that he sent my lawyer's mail adress to my evil siblings and then they could start writing mails to him. I know that atleast one of them did, the brother, and the lawyer I've hired told him to stop or he'd bill him instead. For that I'm grateful, but not for him billing me for all the shit I never asked him to do. I was pretty clear I'd only make at most 15 K on this part time job, and still the bill ended on 19 K. 

Thanks so bloody much. I don't know what to do as it seems like people like to use me and take advantage of me. I am so sick and tired of everything at the moment, on all their hate, their lies, their bullying. I can't belive how evil people are and even when I try to help out and make things right people just take me for granted. I will pay the lawyer this time, but enough is enough. I tried to help my brother so we'd not loose father's farm and I know some of his grandchildren really wanted to keep the farm, but there is just so much I can do. I'm not all well, even if the illness I had is at bay at this moment and all my blood tests are perfect. I still have constant pains in my body and I tire easily.


Even my husband has given up and realized that whatever we do to make things right, some people are too stupid and selfish to let us thrive and become happy and get what they've had all their lives. Evil people just are that way and one person that is totally evil is my mother. For instance, she shortly after she'd sworn that she never meddled with this inherance she wrote a mail to the lawyer and lied through her teeth. She both meddled and she lied about her children, making it out like I was one of her four children father had given the most help to through the years, while her poor, little daughter got nothing at all. I cannot phantom how a woman can be so totally sick and evil as she is, as she knows fully well the truth is the reverse. 

Back in 2011 father said to me that he was so proud of me and my husband for having the most children of all us siblings and that we still managed to take care of our own economy without his help. He also told me that my siblings had gotten so much more help from him then I'd gotten. He was so proud I didn't have the heart to tell him that we've been living far under the poverty line all the time. Even mother was on me back in 2011 and wanted me to beg father for money to even out the difference between us siblings, and now she's lying to the lawyer that I'm the one daughter who got the most money from him by lying that I was the only one he gave a car to. He gave the car after he'd given her two favorites one each and helped them with 100 K for their houses, which he never did for us. 

She also lied and told him she was married to father when my sister "got" the house from him and it sounded like she ment that she was still married when the agreement was struck in 1996. However my sister has also claimed later on that this written agreement was made in 1992, and that is what they all claim now. It is all so insane and so contradictory that I realize now why I wanted to tape every uttered word in that household, and why it felt like living in crazy town until the day the second brother left home. For some reason mother got less weird when he left as I truly believe that crazy makes crazy more crazy. When she was left without both her favorite torture victim, the oldest brother, and her favorite side-kick, the second brother, she just calmed down a bit. It was still pretty crazy living in that home and I am so glad that I'm starting to get over the worst damage now. 


The first lesson was to deal with all the relationships problems that I never could get my head around, which I collected outside of my immediate family for years. I could never hate anyone, no matter what they did, as I became a teen. I was so much healthier as a smaller child when I totally hated the farmer who shot my kitties. That was why I never got over any relationships as all the failures were never understood and never blamed on the one actually doing the failing. I kept caring for people who never cared for me and never even bothered to get to know me. This first lesson I delt with back in 1999 and after that I had a second lesson to learn. 

That next lesson was to truly get to understand malignant narcissism at it's worse. So I kind of ran into a few narcissists, like for instant one who was truly pathological. So during a few years I had to come to grips with what that was. The interesting thing is that the only person understanding this issue and who could explain the most hurtful speciement's actions was my second brother. He totally understood why that person had been smearing me to his wife, making up lies about what I've done, as I'd done nothing of what he'd told her. It took a few years but by the time that I got my miscarriage in 2005 I started to get my head around what had happened a few years earlier. At the same time I started having problems with my sister as she started acting really odd. 

First she had accused me to flirt with her husband when the family re-union was in June, which was just too bizarre and very unlike her. Then more weird things happened that all in all reminded me of the events a few years before, as I felt like someone was toying with me. I was not interested in her husband and what I'd thought been friendly welcoming to our family turned out to be a nightmare. I thought he was an insecure and nice guy, but in hindsight I can see the resemblance with the pahtological person my second brother had understood, who caused my own family so much distress. Narcissists often come out as insecure and charming little boys and girls, and we want to help them. That was what I did to the pathological guy a few years earlier and what I tried to do to my new brother. Be a good friend.


To be honest I got fed up with rudeness and what clearly was open disrespect from her new husband. So even if all first looked promissing and I hoped that I rather gained a brother then lost a sister it was clear that the pattern from her first marriage was repeating. Now I suspect that my sister was saying bad things about me to her first husband and that was the reason he was so mean to me. At the time I only thought he was an asshole, but now I suspect that he was more like defending her and supporting her and thinking that I deserved to be treated like shit. At that time I was used to be treated like shit as I was still young and I'd not even done lesson one in overcoming the Narcissistic Victim Syndrom that I clearly was suffering from since childhood. That makes you walk around with a big, invisible sign saying "kick me when I'm down". 

But now I feel like that sign is tossed out and I don't wear it anymore so that's why I feel so much better around people, despite me still having huge problems as I'm still very afraid of getting targeted again. Which is natural as I'm still being targeted by my own birth family, like I already mentioned. But back then, in the early 90's, I wasn't thinking twice when my sister's boyfriend, not yet husband, was plain rude to me. Everyone was rude to me almost, and I was surprised if someone was polite and nice to me instead. That's why I was so heartbroken when my second brother-in-law also turned out to be a very rude and cruel person, just like the first one. I'd had so high hopes for him being a nice bloke and me not loosing my sister again, just cause she got married. But that was clearly all that he was, just another asshat.

To end off I also like to mention that in the end we also found out that the second brother really truly never had any agreement like his sister had on the real house. What he'd had was a written rent agreement with father and also there the old man had refused to sign an agreement, making the outhouse into his son's. As there were no other agreement it's pretty clear he only lied about having the same and was just smearing me when he made it out like I've stolen this made up paper. It's hard for me to understand how he can be so cruel to me, but since he was the only one understanding the malignant narcissist that lied to me and hurt my whole family long ago, I suspect that it takes one to know one. It's still horrible to realize that so many you've loved are not capable of love themselves. They are like not real humans, but like evil little gremlins. Or just fake humans, like empty dolls.


Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

onsdag 29 april 2015

Ingis World of Pets

Lets talk about pets now as this is a post about my final eighth site in my Green World. It's a perfect time to bring this up as alot have happened concering pets today and there are so much issues with pets that has been life changing for me. On this site I have a few memorial pages about a few of all the pets I've had, but there were so many at the end that I stopped making those pages. At one point I counted to 60 animals, if I also added the chickens and the mice. They were more pets those chickens then farm animals, and the mice I counted were not the wild ones, but those in cages. We had also tons of rabbits and quite a herd of ginny pigs. Today we have only cats and a very old dog. You can go and look at the site here - Ingis World of Pets. Most of my experiences with pets are very loving and wonderful, and even scary events, like being seriously bit, are not anything that truly traumatic to me. Being bit is just something that happens now and then as pets, just like humans, might be feeling bad, having episodes when their hormones are out of balance and other factors might also play in. In most cases it's actually their humans that have done something wrong, that causes them to bite someone.

What has been traumatic to me, concerning pets, are actually humans. It's the cruelty of humans and their ill intent of harming or killing pets just to cause pain and suffering to other humans. That is the most stunning of behavior as to me it's pure evil. The more stunning to me is it that so many blame not the one actually doing the harming or killing, but the person that this cruelty affects, like it's the person being hurt that is to blame for the ill treatment of the pets. That is the most ridiculous and insane conclusion, that I've noticed so many people do. That the animal would not had been harmed or even killed, unless the person caring about this would not had cared so much, so hence it's this person's fault the animal was hurt by the animal abuser! How crazy can you get to even come up with such exuses. The worst thing, and most traumatic of all of this, is that you end up as the guilty one for caring for the animal and trying to protect it. The reasoning here is that if you'd not tried to stop the harm to come to the pet, there would had not been any harm to it. It's crazy as that is not true. Someone trying to hurt an animal and being stopped, will not not harm the animal if you neglect to stop them. Then they surely will harm it.
I will try and explain this once again by using a living example. Once upon a time I was a little girl and for the first time in my life I had a cat and she had a couple of kitties. Father gave them away to a farmer who promised that I could come and see them whenever I wanted to and that he'd take proper care of them. Two weeks later I went down to see them, but was met with an evil smirk on the old guy's face and he told me he'd shot them just a few days after they came to stay with him, as they were too damn social. He wanted them as barn cats and not as indoor, cuddly kitty cats. This was nothing like he'd promised me when he got them, as he knew they were raised as family kitties, with children and indoors with us. I got the feeling he'd intended to shoot them all the time and was only taking them to get an opportunity to piss my family in our face, as father had an important position in our small town and many hated him, but didn't dare to really do much about it. By harming me, as his little child, the man might had felt he could get to father without actually doing anything "wrong" as what he did surely would affect father's little beloved daughter alot. 

Honestly I don't believe one second that he ever intended to fullfill his promise to take good care of them and his promise that I could come and see them anytime I wanted to would also make sure that I did and would get devestated. I surely did get devestated and I hated the farmer with all my heart and soul and sent him pain and suffering his way, so much pain he'd feel every hurt his murder had caused me, up until the day he died. Shortly after that he got liver cancer and within three years he was dead. And even if that freaked me out at the time I now feel he had it coming and I do hope that I caused him what he deserved for intentionally harming a little child, who's only "crime" was her true love of her little kitties. I do consider in these dying age, that such behavior deserve to be punished in that very way, so I don't feel the child - me in this instance - did anything wrong to wish all the pain I felt onto him. I more or less sent it on to him and after crying and crying for hours upon hours and sending all that pain unto the farmer, I did feel a relief. That relief is when the pain, all that terrible energy, has been properly sent to the one who deserves it. The cruel person harming others for fun. 
That was one example of a person doing harm to pets and where the child getting hurt by the death of these cute kitties felt guilty for hating the farmer and cursing him to his death. I know that many would blame the child here and think she should had "forgiven the farmer" as he did not know what he did. Well, excuse me. He did know what he did, as he knew how much those kitties ment to me and therefore he made the promise I could come and see them and that he'd take good care of them. And I could tell by how he spoke and the look in his eyes when I came to see my beloved kitties, that he had illness in his soul. He was spiteful and showed no regret for the hurt he surely knew he'd caused me. Like I said I was a little girl, only seven years old and very small for my age, so doing what he did, being a grandfather with little grandchildren, he surely was a very bad person. So how can this little child be the one to blame for the death of these kitties? Or the death of that man? She cannot. He was just an evil man, out to do bad, and he deserved to die in the most painful way a man can die as he took pleasure in harming an innocent child, by harming her beloved pets.

The reason I start up by telling this old tale is cause many years later another girl is also seven years old, and she decides to kill a kitty to spite others. This is the opposite tale of the one above, and yet again we find that the guilt is laid upon the girl that tried to prevent this little girl to do the killing. In this instance the kitty is beloved by an aunt, who reluctantly lends the kitty to this little girl. It's not really a little girl as she's very big for her age, just as big as other children when nine or ten. So she might look older then she is, but inside she's not even as mature and loving as the very little girl in the tale before, who herself loved and cared for the kitties. In this next tale the older girl, the same as the very small girl in the first tale, tries to make the grown ups not let the younger girl have the kitty, but nobody listens to her. This is cause in aunt's world this little girl is an innocent angel, and the older girl is not very good at all. Which is not true, but something most likely the evil mother of theirs fooled everyone to believe. That back then, and this still today. So the kitty is lended to the big little girl and the first thing she does is to try and make the big bad wolf say hello to it. 
What happens next is that the older girl tries to stop her and hence saving the kitty from being killed by the wolf dog. She even tries to warn the parents, but noone listens and the kitty is still in the younger child's possession. The days go by and every day the little girl tries to put the kitty infront of the dog, who just want to kill the kitty and nothing else. Again and again the older girl explains that the dog only wants to kill the kitty, so this must end or the kitty will surely die. Finally the little girl manages to fool the older girl that she truly understands this now, but instead she runs over with the kitty to the dog and the kitty is killed. And ever since then everyone blames the older girl. Why? First their family does as they always do, blame everything the little girl does on the older girl, just cause she should had done something about it. Second others blame the older girl as she tried to stop the killing in the first place, so it's her fault as by doing that she made the little girl obsessed with disobeying her. This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario, as you can hear. I've so far hardly met anyone thinking this was a very cruel little girl, and that it was all her fault and I was a victim of a typical psychopathic child.

The only ones thinking this is others who've been in the same kind of horrible situations like this one. All others seem to think that I could had done something about it, so it was surely my fault. My question to all who blame me - as I was this older girl - what the hell you think I could had done? After a week of running around, trying to stop her from killing the kitty, I was so worn out my guard dropped and I believed her when she said she would wait for me on the other side of the house, from where the dog was tied up. I ran as fast as I could but when I came down she was already there, bent down and putting down the kitty infront of the dog. I don't know what I could had done as dragging her along with me all the time, every second, was almost impossible. Remember she was big as a nine to ten year old child, and I was not a big person even at the age of 16. I was normal height, but very thin and not strong atall. And if I touched her she used to cry and pretend I'd hurt her, if she didn't want to do something, so dragging her along was no choice. And we were going away for a couple of days, returning the kitty to it's owner, so I needed my bag of stuff with me. So I had to run up and get it as we were leaving very soon.
The accusation that this was still my fault is made in a way that it sounds okay for those making it, but it's hurtful and horrible to me, even if I do understand how they think. I doubt they themselves using this explaination for her behavior understand how cruel their little "understanding" of this animal abuse is. What I've been told is that the little girl killed this kitty just to spite me and make me hurt. So hence is it my fault for making her upset with me, wanting to punish me. By that it's my fault as there is this accusation in the air that I've done something to deserve to be punished this way. I don't know what it is I've done, except the first time I saved the kitty. So by saving the kitty the first time I'm guilty of hurting the animal abuser, so she now has the right to punish me by killing the kitty? This does truly not make any sense to me, and ever since I got this explaination the first time, I've been pondering about this logic. If I'd not saved the kitty the first time I'd failed the kitty the first time, had a calm week with a dead kitty on my conscience and then I was still to blame. How much better would that had been? This is like blaming a cop who's tried to stop a murder, cause the judge set the murder free again, so the murderer could finish the job.

I would love if someone said to me that it was the parents fault for using the kindness of our aunt and making her lend her beloved little kitty to this evil child. I knew she was not kind, but everyone else believed she was an angel. She was however very clever at putting the blame for all her ill deeds upon me, or someone else. Just like her mother, actually. Many years later I got a kitty of my own and this mother used my empathy to con me to lend her this kitty. She used her own mother's death to guilt trip me into lending her my beloved kitty, just like she'd made her sister-in-law lend hers many years ago. I made mother promise to not have my kitty outside when she was at work, and only when she was out watching him. All other times he was to stay indoors, as he was an indoor kitty. From day one mother had him outdoor all day long while she was at work. Mother had never intended to have him indoors and she knew fully well he was just a kitty and not used to be outdoors in traffic. She knew how many cars went by and how fast every day down on the road. She knew how much the kitty ment to me and how much I loved him. She knew I'd loved my granny so much and was living all alone myself. Still she took my kitty from me and she did not regret it.
The reason I know she didn't regret killing my kitty is cause she never said she made a mistake to have him out, but pointed it out that she'd had him outside all the time. She almost gloated when she said it and she totally made the driver, who ran over my darling, into a hero. She never blamed him either, as if driving that fast past a home, seeing a cat beside the road, was not something wrong atall. She made it out as he could not had done anything differently, as he had thought the cat would not move, but it did. She told a sob story about how sweet he'd been putting up his name and number on a note on her door. Almost so I'd pity him, instead of being angry on her for murdering my beloved baby. She was the one having him outside, when she was not allowed to, so she was to blame, but her sob story about the driver was just to take focus from her actions and put them on the driver's. That's what narcissists do. They always put the focus on something that is not important, to make their own actions not be seen. It's like magic tricks really. They can get away with murder by doing this and in my opinion mother did, when she on purpose killed my beloved kitty this way. That as she at the time made me feel guilty for even bringing up that she was not allowed to have him outside.

Lets talk about the gifts I'm showing you here. The very first one is my own creation using a few nice tubes. It's the one with the cat and the bunny in the same kind of colours, with masks in their cute faces. The next was made using a tutorial, but the frame was so lame I added another frame to it, also made from a tutorial. It's the one with the flowergirl and a red angora cat. The third I made the frame using a tutorial, but I choose another picture, as the kitties and the teddy were too cute. The forth I also made with the help of a tutorial, but changed the frame a little and used another picture then suggested. It kind of looks like a very angry birma cat. The fifth gifts is made from a tutorial, but I added a few cats to is, as there were none before. The sixth is the angelcat above, which I made using a vector-tutorial. I added the background and frame however of my own choice, and also a candle I made from another tutorial. Below you can see my seventh gift, with a frame I made using a tutorial, but I picked the easter bunny picture. As gift eight there is a christmas card I made from a tutorial, but added small photos of our own white angora cats, and the dog. I will mention the rest of the gifts later on as this is quite enough. Just a little break from the kitty killing storytelling.  
But truth be told, not only kitties died. I remember another very weird event, that occured when I was away on a fun trip with some friends. It was a rare thing I did anything like that and at that time I was over 20 years old, perhaps even 21 or 22, but when phoning home to see how things managed without me I found out that someone had let the dog out loose and she had damaged the bunny cage so much that she had gotten to the white bunny and killed it. I think there were more bunnies, but the other one or ones ran away. It's not clear to me anymore as we had those bunnies a very short time and it was my sister who had gotten them somehow. Father had built a very nice cage to them, but the net he used was far too weak for the dogs strong teeth. But the thing is that the dog was not even supposed to be loose and she was always chained as she was somewhat dangerous. She was of a breed with really alot of wolf blood and she could become really dangerous, without a proper leader around. Of all the family it was clear that the only two people trying to keep her under wraps was me and dad. The rest made so stupid things again and again so the dog killed kitties, bunnies, chickens and much more. In hindsight I find it extremly peculiar that the dog all of a sudden was loose, just as I was having fun with friends.

Actually it's high proparbility the bunnies got the same fate as the kitty, that the dog killed. Not only by being killed by the dog, but by being put in harms way on purpose, just to torment me for not being there and taking responsibility for everything. It's so weird the bunnies never were attacked when I was home, but as soon as I went away. The dog had a damn good chain, as she used to run away when she had a leather leach or any kind of rope. Even weak chains would not do, so she had a very good chain. The only explaination for how the dog got loose was that she just did. I remember it was mother who told me about the bunnies and gave me the explaination. Father didn't say much and perhaps he was annoyed he'd wasted so much time building the cage and then the dog was let loose and killed them shortly afterwards. I remember that I was only angry on dad for building such a lousy cage, or rather using such rubbish net for it. Now I realize that it was the person letting the dog loose I should had been mad at. But that person didn't come forward, of course. But I'm pretty sure who did that, as the modus operandi of this stunt was so close to the kitty event, when this person had purposefully given the kitty to the dog, totally against all advice and orders she'd gotten.
Now lets talk about present dogs instead of past pets. At this moment I'm about to buy a new dog. It's a small one of the breed called Papillion, which means butterfly in french. She's a few years old and has a white fur coat with red spots and tiny black hairs too. She's so friendly and sweet and loves to sleep in the bed with her humans, which is a problem for us as we have kind of issues with sleeping with too many in our bed. But we tried it out last night and it went well. Sometime we sleep with our little grandson in our bed and that normally goes well too, and since this little girl is really friendly to everyone, including children, she goes really well with our grandson too. She was my daughter-in-law's (to be) dog before, as she bought her a few months ago, but the little dog rather stays at home and cuddle in the sofa, before being outdoors with the horses, like the other dogs like. So she wanted to sell her and I really didn't want her to leave, so I said I wanted her. First my husband was a tad bit against it, but eventually he gave in and said it was okay with him. As I also still has my narcissistic mother's dog here with me, I will now have two dogs for awhile. That dog was left here three years ago, as mother said she'd be back for her in a week or two. 

After a few weeks it was clear that she never intended to come and pick the dog up. She'd even said that she was going to take care of my father, if I only looked after her dog for her. And so it went on for months, but I have no proof she ever actually did anything worthwhile for my father, but rather enjoyed herself and her freedom from the dog. Today that dog is quite old and has tumours in her womb, but since mother went back on her promise to keep the dog's insurance I will not pay another operation, if they too grow out from her, like some already did. I paid that time, but that was before I knew the insurance were canceled behind my back. Like I said, she'd promised me to keep the insurance, as dogs passed 6 years old are not able to make a new insurance on, and when I got the dog she was already 9 years old, and when I got the promise that mother would keep her insured she was already almost 10. Now the dog is 12 years old, has some issues with both her hearing and her eyes, and also still problems that she already had when she was left here with me. The dog had been well and fine four months earlier, but when I got her in April 2012 she was stiff and in pains in her joints. Later on I found out that mother had had her outdoors during the winter, for hours, and that cold and dampness caused this illness to old dogs.   
This dog, that mother dumped on me three years ago now, is a Shetland Sheepdog and she is quite pretty, though getting old and grey. Her fur is still golden, with white under the belly and some black hairs here and there. Over all she has about the same colour as my new dog, but paler and her fur is so much thicker and longer, which is very annoying as this old dog has the habit of getting shit in her fur and I have to cut it again and again. It's really thick and the house is full of her hair all the time. When she's shedding the fur there are so much hair and I have to comb her alot. That normally happens as the temp goes up and summer comes so I bet she'll loose it soon. That is when I bath the old dog too, as I try to avoid to get her wet when it's cold out, as her fur takes really long time to dry and she's so sensitive to coldness, due to her illness in her joints. The old dog is very kind and she's a gentle soul that's been through some sad patches, as her last owner dumped her like some useless garbage. It's really sad to see how abusive some people are towards their pets, but I'm not surprised as that woman is abusive to her children and relatives too. She's the tricky, covert type that pretends to be a sweet old lady, and who used to hide behind a church going facade, which was all a front.

Under the surface she's a very cruel and heartless being, who loves to torment her victims and abuse people with false allegations, demonizing totally innocent people, stalking people more or less. She's been stalking this blog too, I suspect, as she all of a sudden were following my Google+ account it belongs too. Which is really uncomfortable to know, as all she does is to try and find things to use against me, to prove to people that I'm insane and all sorts of weird and mean things. Why she does that is cause she's helping her other daughter to smear me as they had some house scam running and used me as a patsy to take the blame for what they were up to. I've written about that endlessly, but in short they've been telling everyone that my sister got a house from our father in 1992, and that he refused to sign any papers about it. All not true, as my sister in 2012, after dad had died, showed me a paper father had signed in 1996 about this house, telling that he wanted my sister to get the house after he died. It was to be included as part of her fair share, nothing more or less, and to market value. That is all I remember, as later on my sister said she never showed me the paper, and later on she even said that the paper was written in 1992, and other stories. She also said I stole the paper. So I both never read it, and then I stole it?
Mother was helping my sister in all of this and she was with my sister when they went through father's papers after his death. Mother had promised to testify that I was a liar and that the paper didn't say what I said it did. So hence I stopped talking to mother, as she had proven to be a backstabbing bitch. Since I know how convincing both my mother is and my sister is, I also have known there was no purpose in trying to contact any of my relatives about this issue. Now I also realize that those few occasions when I found out that mother has smeared me were only the tip of the huge iceberg, so no wonder no-one ever never believe anything I have to say in our family. It's even worse, as the hopelessness of seeing lies being believed, and not being able to speak the truth as there is no point in trying to do so, as no-one would believe the truth anyways, causes others outside of the family to not believe me either. At the same time those being believed, despite the horrible lies they tell, get more and more cocky due to their ability to fool others, so they will be believed by almost everyone they meet. That is psychology for you. 

If you take a child and put the child down, never believeing the child, never showing appreciation or trust in the child, the child will grew up feeling insecure and not sure about anything. The child will speak with words like "I think" or "perhaps" and get used to the fact that unless there is solid proof of something, no-one will listen to them or believe them. The child will learn that what they can't disprove of what others claim, is valid without the others having any proof atall. Just the fact that the child cannot find any proof against the claims is enough to make them valid. At the same time another child might be raised to always be right and good, lifted up like some specially gifted child. That child might learn that everyone believes any crap they make up, just cause they say so. This child will then demand to be believed just for their words and will not need any proof of anything they say. Others will look at the child with admiration and trust, just cause the child looks so selfconfident and sure about everything they say. "Well, isn't that a clever child" they will say and sigh and never check any facts. As an animal owner I would say that you could use this on animals as well. You can make or brake any child, be it from the human kind or the animal kind.
To me it's natural to try and lift up and sooth any living being, to make them calm and happy and to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately for all of us that are kind and caring human beings there are really cruel people out there, who even wants to hurt others. It's very natural to hate such nasty buggers, if they've harmed you or your pets and I will make that very clear to all "fluff" people out there, that hate is not a bad emotion, when you truly feel it towards an evil person who's done seriously bad things to others, just for the fun of harming. It's however a very bad feeling, when you are directing it towards a totally innocent being, just cause you need someone to project all your bad feelings towards. This is what I've had to live through in my life, where really nasty people have been lying about me to others, making them hate me due to made up shit that had nothing to do with me. Like my sister and mother both have been doing now. They have help from a few men too, but I don't really know all the gory details as I try to avoid any contact with them, and wont listen to any more projections and smear they put out. I've been nothing but kind to all of these people, so yes, I do hate them now as they are very hateful people. Hate is a passing feeling, and it's very healthy for a short while, but to feel better it's very important to avoid those people that are hurting you, causing you to feel hate. 

My best advice is to never talk to anyone that is in contact with your abusers. Once you've cut all the rotten flesh out of your social life, you can begin to build up knew relationships. Make sure that anyone that still wish to remain in  your life also cut these horrible people out of their lives, as if they keep their toxin in theirs, you will also get harmed again. At the end I like to mention the last gifts that I have put up here. I'll begin with the ninth gift, the girl kissing a bunny, which is totally made from a tutorial, just like the tenth is. The eleventh is a composition I made using the horse, which is from a vector-tutorial I made, and a few other tubes and then I designed a nice frame to it all. The last one below is a re-made tutorial, which I changed into a tagg. Hope you enjoyed the stories and the gifts as this was the last blog about my sites for this time. I do plan to write much more about narcissism, as that is my top favorite subject still and most likely will be as long as I am under the constant harassment of those buggers and can't get away from them. I do hope to soon be able to cut all ties and that people I do want in my life will also cut their ties with these liars and abusers. If they rather be with narcissists then with honest and true people, then it's their choice. 

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane