World of Friends

I've presented sixth of my green world sites so far and if you've paid attention they were about my home under the rainbows, and the concept of family and loving mothers, and then all my children. Each one of these sixth sites are linked up to one site each that belongs to my blue sky sites and this site about friendship is the last one that has such a link, as there are only seven blue sites. The reasons for that is for me to know and for you to not get to know, as I don't feel like mentioning it. So this is the last one with a link, and if you go and look it's linked to my site about ladies. I'm a lady of course, so when I'm looking for friends I tend to look for others, as you play best with likeminded people. I like kind and cheerful people, who both is close to their emotions and have hearts that lifts them up and will not let them fester in longtime anger and plot revenges. My policy is to leave behind those that don't live up to my standards, instead of trying to destroy them, like some sociopaths would. That's not my style. Once I've identified a bad friend I will ponder over what happened, and why it happened, but eventually I will leave all such worries in the past. For a short while I might be really obsessed over a betrayal, but that is the best way to mourn the loss of a loved one. To go straight through hell and come out from the purgatory as a wiser being. 

There are no shortcuts to understand the many different kinds of human like people there are out there, as some might not be quite human at all. Some are even quite nasty. So if you wish to visit this friendship site you should click here - World of Friends. This site began it's present configuration after I'd been part of a friendship group called Friends Near Your Heart, that a very charismatic and enthusiastic lady had started. Everyone seemed to adore her, so much that one woman, definitely not a lady, set me up so she'd start doubting me. The founder was totally positive and inspiring at the start and I was a bit overwhelmed over her instant best friends attitude. She tried to help me get friends to my own group and managed to get this member of hers to join my group too. I thought they both were just darlings, but now I know the other one only joined out of jealousy. She unsubscribed shortly after joining, and lied to my new friend that I'd banned her and been really nasty to her. All made up shit, as nothing had went on at all. I'd not written a word to her and her leaving was just as big surprise to me as to my new friend. But the trick worked and my new friend also left my group, dead upset over how cruel and nasty I'd treated her poor other friend. 

I will now tell you what the lovely, charming new friend I'd thought I was so blessed to have found was called. Her name was Celine. I will always be thankful for her trying to help me out and I do hope she's just as innocent as I was to the mess that other friend of hers manage to do. Celine seemed to totally trust that other friend, who I now realize was great at acting like the eternal victim. The more I've read up about narcissism, the more I can pin her down as a covert malignant narcissist. That's cause the coverts always use pity and loyalty to manipulate others and this cruel woman was obviously smithen by the charming and beautiful Celine. Well, everyone was, I'm sure. Celine let a nice brittish woman take over her group Friends Near Your Heart, but her health was very poor and I think the group was then transfered to another and it died. That broke my heart as it was such a beautiful thought she'd had when starting the group, but dear Celine seems more like an intense butterfly, then like the oak tree that patiently waits for hundreds of years, while growing to it's full strenght and beauty. However beautiful a butterfly is, it's shortlived and will swiftly burn out it's little spark of life and move on. So did Celine, both with groups on the net and in private.

There is not much to say really about this original group, as I've forgotten most of it, which wasn't anything spectacular. I don't like idle chatter or meaningless sharing and most groups tend to be that way and I just don't fit in them. I rather create a solid, stationary website with the theme I want to delve into, then waist my energy on chit chat. I still have six mailinglists, but I rarely use most of them. There are two lists for my Green World, one actually called that as it's made for updates on my green sites and also for things concerning my main group Magnolia Lane. The other list is for my PSP-class, my creative group, which first was intended for poems only, but then expanded to other creativity too. All the gifts I show here have been firstly created on this group and posted there. It's a very silent list still, and is mostly used to post graphics on, and nothing else. I prefer it that way and whenever I've in later years joined a group it's been very reluctantly and just for a specific issue, so not too much chatter. The other PSP-group I was on a couple of times however housed a few rude women and also the second time I was on it a narcissist manipulator. That's the reason I don't like these groups as they attracked very malignant people, who like to first befriend the leaders, then make them start witch burning campaigns.

Every group on the net have had it's own little click of insiders, and if you'd make the mistake you mattered to them, you'd made a huge mistake. The bigger the group, the less you mattered. Your only purpose was to do as you were told, make graphics, websites, or sign guestbooks. If you worked hard enough your reward would be a graphic or to stay on the group. Sometimes the graphics were lovely, but in most cases they weren't. So the point of working your butt off for others and get crap didn't appeal too much to me, when there was no chance of becoming part of the group of friends. This conclusion I came to in the early years of the new millennia, and shortly after that all these groups seem to go away by itself. The clicks of friends seemed to end in arguments and infightings. Even groups with names of angels, compassion, and other sweet sounding words did this. Just gone! The PSP-group I was part of two times actually was the remains of one such angel group that felt like they were compassionate, while they used their hirarchy to top rule the rest of us. Not very compassionate if you ask me, and the way I was treated in the PSP-group the two times I was in, was neither in any way compassionate.

That's why I realized that women like to use fancy words to hide behind, while they in reality just want to control others and feel important themselves. The more talented women they let be part of their inner circle to make all the beautiful work and lure in victims, like myself, who was looking for female friends online. There were a few of these creative ladies I really admired, but then there were a few that were just controlling and rude. You would had thought that the woman running their PSP-class was the best of them all, when coming to PSP and creative work, but the truth was that she sucked. She was however sure on herself and felt she could tell who's work was better then the others. Of course she was right in many occasions and at first she was so very nice to me I thought she was my friend. But everytime another member started badmouthing me, she was quick to believe the gossip. So that woman was not a lady either, despite what I'd hoped for, as you are not easily swayed to attack or put down your friends, if you are indeed a friend yourself. Not just by the twisted words by a deciever and word magician. I truly believe those nasty covert narcissists are that - magicians of words.

Let's talk about the gifts I've made for this site. On the top here I show you one of my own creations I made with the help of a few tubes the woman leading that other PSP-group had provided us. I put two of the tubes together and made a frame for the new image. It's the same story for the second gift, as I did the very same with that one, but added a cute flower tube she'd provided aswell. The third and the fourth gifts are both made using tutorials and I think I made them in my own PSP-group, after I've left the other group. Or rather I was tossed out after a covert narcissist had made out to the leader that I was upset with her, after she'd written to me and said that the leader was going to be very upset with me for putting the second sky colour suggested behind a vector graphics, instead of the first one. She herself had several times put backgrounds behind images were none were suggested atall, so her assumptions the leader would take particular offence with my error was both mean and unfair. Still, I did suggest that I'd re-do it as soon as I could, but instead she wrote a nasty mail about me to the leader, about how angry I was with her, so I was deleted from the group. Just a week earlier the leader had written to me that I was a top pupil, her favorite. So it's obvious why I had to go.

Ever since 2010 I've not belonged to any such women's groups anymore and I even posted on everyone of my sites that people should stop inviting me to them. Now my guestbooks do not work anymore, after Dreambook closed down, so I don't have to worry about getting such invitations anymore. Everyone is on Facebook or elsewhere today, and nobody visits private sites. I don't know were all the creative ladies went, but my guess is that either they are painting in real life or they are posting like everyone else on Facebook and such places. Perhaps this isn't anything people want to do anymore either, as those doing it ten years ago was either just doing a little on the side of their jobs, or they were quite old already. Many really good graphics creators I met back then was in the mid 60's, so they'd be like 75-80 now or even older. If they are still alive, as many were also severely ill and I know alot of very nice ladies that are not here with us anymore. That was the kind of people that had the time to play in groups, those that were disabled, but had help with their living so they could spend time playing with their computers. After 2008 that got worse as most with such pleasant lifestyles were found in the States.

During that time I ran accross many more sites and creative women, then only those in the women's groups. I found quite an number of younger women here in my own country and nearby, but then I noticed also those went away. I miss their work so much, but I understand that they had to grow up and stop playing with graphics. They were so very talented and they used to share all their great work for free on the net. Perhaps new talents took over or that kind of work went out of fashion and new kinds took over. I think if I'd looked I'd found a flood of new talents, but somehow you seem to love the first ones you fall in love with, forever. I've posted alot of others work that I really liked on all my sites, and a few friendships awards I've recieved too. All those friends are gone missing now and I never recieve anything more from them. I think alot of people with websites here in my country used to be friends and I only got to know a few of them a little bit. It seemed like most of them really didn't accept me, while a few were really kind a cheerful until one day I didn't hear from them again. There was really not an honest communication ever, like writing back and forth, with almost all of them, and it's easy for me to count those that did write anything personal to and fro.

So this site is not really that much about internet friends as it was from the start, so I changed it to include extended family more, and I put up my celebration pages for relatives on it. For many years I made lots of birthday sites to many relatives and they were all here before, but then I took a few away after I realized that a few of these people are not my friends despite that they logically ought to be, as I've always been a good friend to them. But this planet is filled with lies, deception and backstabbing people who hate you for the most weird and illogical reasons. Or atleast I don't have a clue. One clue I however have picked up in my life is smear. Like I mentioned above there are malignant, nasty, envious people in our mist, alot of them other women, who use smear to put those they envy down. The reason there is no point in trying to reveal these monsters is cause as soon as they've been caught smearing you, everyone has heard their side of the story already. Nobody wants yours. If you'd try to reveal the truth everyone will look upon your revelations as proof of all the lies your smearer has been telling about you. That's how evil and devious female bullies are, you see. They tell their tales so they are the poor victims of you, so when you try to show the world how nasty they are you come out as the bully they claim you are!

Most of my life I've had one or two really close friends and today I must say that the closest friends I have are my husband and my oldest brother. Another one that is very close to me is my oldest daughter, as she was the one child that I could talk to and apart from a period in her later teens when she didn't feel like I was much to talk to, we've always talked. However, we can tend to get a bit intense as we are also very emotional both of us. But she's the female I now talk to about matters the most, even if I don't talk that much with her anymore. Her younger sister has never liked to talk about "boring" subjects so there is not much meaning in pursuing that road, even if we love each other dearly. Another child I can talk to is my oldest son, so all in all it seems like I have two children that I can be somewhat friendly to, or talking to, which is why you have friends. I think that is pretty amazing and I do hope that once my younger two are fully grown they too one day can talk to me more. Friends do not have to be people outside of your family, as sometimes the best friends are people you are related to. I used to be friends with relatives in my family of origin too, as I mentioned, but now there is only one left that I am a friend with as the rest turned out to not be my friends at all. 

It's like this with friendships that are ended, that outsiders never understand why you brake up. They tend to think you were overreacting and that nothing is that bad. I tell you that if I brake up a friendship with someone they've done pretty horrible things for quite along period of time. I'm the kind that rather swallow the shit then make a big row about it. And then I try to forget and move on. That's how I've been with my family of origin for 50 years, until they just had to go over the top and totally fuck with me in the most horrible and cruel manor they could come up with. I will not go into all the shit they did here, but I tell you that if I was supposed to eat that shit too and not stand up for what I knew was right I would not have any self dignity left. I'd feel like a shithead, a lying, pathetic cow, for the rest of my life, if I'd not stood up for what was right and true at that moment. I've watched them rob me and my children out of so much money for so long, but this was not right. I could not let them do this again, with so much money, when I knew and they knew that I've hardly gotten anything all these years, compaired to them. And now I knew they wanted to oppose our fathers last will, just to screw me and my children over one last time.

That's the reason they are now spreading their own smear about me to all our extended family and friends. What I've heard their tale is that I'm jealous cause father gave them houses and I want to steal those houses from them. And then they add alot of sob stories to that tale about how I'm having a hate campaign about them, particulary one about the sister who showed me the proof that her house was never a gift from father to her at all. She must had showed it to me to create all this conflict, while she at the same time had been telling everyone that she was so affraid I was going to fight her over the house. I'm sure she's been telling people that I've been jealous about that house, while in truth I believed her and never thought about it. Until she showed me the proof, after father died, that she'd lied to me all these years. First I thought she might not had lied all the time, only in the beginning, as the paper was made four years after she'd begun spinning her story about her getting the house from father. So at first I thought she must surely had stopped saying that after the paper was made in 1996, and that it was only our mother who'd been telling that story after that time. That was what I thought in 2012, when I read the paper, and what I thought until my sister lied the year after.

That's when I knew she was never my friend and I deleted everything about my sister on this page. Up till that day, when she lied about her showing the paper, denying it, I'd believed she deep down was my friend for life. That was one of the most cruelest waking ups I've ever had, and it took quite awhile to get the feeling of sick to go away, the nauseating sick feeling that is. It's like the wife who's believed her husband was faithful all those years and then suddenly finds out he's had a mistress for years. It's a shock to realize that someone you choose to trust is really not a person worth that trust. I would say that of all betrayals I've encountered in my whole life this one by my sister takes the top score. Nobody else in my life has done something so horrible to someone they owe so much to, and ought to care so much for what that person thinks of them. It just does not make any sense to me that you'd do that, until I read up on personality disorders and there was the only answer. A normal person, without any drug problems, would cherrish the love of their closest kin too much to do such a thing, but a person without a conscience, no remorse, no lasting sentimental feelings for neither mothers or other caregivers, she would not care who she toss under the bus.

The purple gift with the grapes and the wine glass is from my last birthday page for my sister. When I see that gift it makes me really sad, as it reminds me of how selfish and void my sister truly must be. While I made her a big birthday basket on her 30th birthday, driving around with my four little ones to find everything to put in that basket for her, she bought a cheap rubbish stick in the ugliest vase ever for my 40th. Of course she pitched in with half the cost for a massage, but gave herself also one. A whole one. The webpage I made for her while my grandson and daughter was in hospital fighting for his little life, as I could not go to my sisters birthday party. Even if there hadn't been the issue with my sick and prematured grandchild I had no money. None at all. She didn't seem to understand this and I still don't think she does. So I made her this pretty site instead and wasted time to make it specially for her. When I barely survived to 50, as I'd had a longterm bloodillness that's been too long undetected, she gave me a postcard with a champagne bottle and an empty promise she'd pay a day at the spa with her, if I only came to see her. That sounded very nice, only that both my daughter and mother had told her I didn't want to go to the spa. I even told mother to tell her "over my dead body I did that again".

Still, I didn't broke off cause she obviously is totally insensitive, does not care for what I want, and only want to give me what she likes to do. No, I've seen that my whole life with her that she only cares for her own ideas and therefore ruins things for others. She's not a good friend to anyone, if that is how she treats people, as people want gifts that they've wished for, not something the giver wants. In this respect she's much like her real mother, as that is something she'd do. I am the kind that tries to figure out who a person is, before I buy them a gift. It's not always easy, but I do try. To buy people things you yourself like, and refuse to look who the other is, that is not friendly at all. It's a sign of disrespect. It's even rude. How rude people get away with this behavior and still make you stay as a friend, is cause they make you feel stupid for liking stupid things. They straight out bully you, devalue you and that's the way they keep friends. I don't know if she has friends she's nice to, but only that I was not treated in a nice enough way, and I don't believe I had too high demands. I'd say that careless treatment of your friends is the major reason they decide to stop socializing with the rude person. But rude people most likely don't care when friends they treat badly leave them, as otherwise they'd not treated them so poorly.

What I'm trying to say is that if you notice your friend is starting to treat you worse then before, avoiding you, putting you down, making snidy remarks to you, joke about you with others in hurtful ways or doing anything else that do not feel okey for you, then you should take it as a sign that your friend is not a friend at all. It might be a very cruel way of ending your friendship made by a person who only uses people as friends and then ditch them. However, it happens that a friend starts to behave irritated towards you cause you've hurt them yourself. Many people think they have a right to put down others and treat them like they were stupid just for having opposing opinions on something. That will make the one who actually know much more about a subject very annoyed, particulary when being ridiculed by someone who is brainwashed by media to think a certain way. It's hard to know that you know alot and not being able to communicate all you know in words in a few short lines to a person who's dead set at ridiculing you. If you've treated a friend that way you might not be surprised if they don't like you anymore, so if that is the case you might count on them seemingly withdrawing from you and treating you worse and worse. It's a question with the hen and the egg, who came first.

The first time I got seriously annoyed with my sister was at Christmas 2006. Up until then I've not really lingered onto anything she'd said or done, no matter how annoying it had been. I think she just managed to backstab me too many times starting from that Christmas. It was that event that made me decide to not come and visit her again, as what happened on that visit was so devestating for me that it made me very ill for a couple of weeks afterwards. I never have forgiven her for what she said and how she behaved that Christmas. She more or less tossed me to the dogs. She used me to take all the shit so she could get away without having to take any. It was cowardly and it was something I'd never in a millions years would had done to her, as I've always been on her side and always supported her and had her back covered. But she could clearly see how ill I was, and I had became this ill starting from helping her move three years earlier. Another one bullying me that Christmas was mother, and she knew all about how ill I'd been. But of some reason I didn't expect anything else then nasty betrayal from that bitch, but from my sister I expected far more so that was the event that made me see who she was like and it wasn't me.

Let's talk about the other gifts, as I did mention the purple grapes, which is a creation I made using the paintings of a great artist. The lady with the hat is made from a tutorial and so is the old times graphic with the little children. The pink picture with the 20's girl and the vase with the flowers are also made with tutorials. The victorian lady looking towards the ship is made with a tutorial, although I added a frame and the one below here I played with several tutorials and added them into a whole picture and added a few girls from tubes to the room. Of all the items in that picture I've made the candle in the foreground, the clay pot to the left of the stove, and I've made the stove and the green vases and the whole candlestick between the vases. Then I tried to make it look like a brick wall and a wooden floor and framed the whole thing. At the bottom of this post there is also a tag, which I made using a selection tutorial. That was all the gifts that I've choosen to show here, but there are many more graphics on the site. One thing I have on the site is pages with graphics and poems one can choose to send to a friend. So called friendships cards. 

A friend is someone who listens to you, but also someone who cares what you say. I have a little book about friendship I've had since I was a small child, and I used to read it alot also to my own children. What a true friend is. A true friend is actually more someone who cares about you alot, then someone who only listens to you. Someone who only listens might not like you, and might even use all you say to harm you with it, as by listening they learn all your likes and dislikes, but also about everything that you've been hurt by before. So a true friend is someone who cares to avoid hurting you, and particulary knows how to avoid repeating any old trauma you've already been thrue. A friend is someone who's there for you when you need someone, and that is true. When I've needed a friend I've noticed some people are never there. People I truly thought would be the first to be there, wasn't at all. A friend is someone who looks after you when you are ill, and help you when you are too overwhelmed. Again, I've had to realize that this is not the case, that the people I thought would be there, they were not. So friends have been occasional others in those matters, and in most cases there has only been my husband.

Already when I was very young I was used to not have that many friends, and despite having a few periods I did seemingly have many they were never that close and eventually I kind of realized that I'm more of a loner then a person with friends. I like to have friends, but it becomes too painful to go through one betrayal after another so atlast I deceided to stop trying so hard to have friends. If a friend would come it was ment to be, otherwise I will just hang out with people I meet and be friendly to them. I truly believe you can be a friend for a day, and make a difference. If you try to cling on to people and have expectations you are bound to be disappointed. In some way or another they will betray you, atleast by believing lies and fictions some malignant toxic person made up. It never fails and that is my greatest fear with having friends, as that is so hurtful whenever it happens, that someone you thought knew you believe utter crap about you. Today there are ex-friends out there who became my ex-friends cause they believed such foul lies about me. To imagine that a person who might have known me for decades, almost a lifetime, can put trust in the most horried smear about me, and still be considered to ever have cared for me or been my friend is ridiculous. Of course such a person was never my friend.

So the conclusion with friends is that it's better to have a few you can trust, and who truly trusts you and wont believe crap about you, then to have many that only use your friendship and help, but don't care for you and don't believe in you really. Fake friends is worse then straight out open enemies, as you will trust them and tell them things they can use against you, so they are the worst. The only way to know who's a real friend and who's a fake friend is to put them through the process of listening to smears and lies about you. A true friend would listen to your side of the story before judging you, while a fake friend would not care for a word you had to say in your defence. You are judged by the slander they've heard and might in many cases help out to slander you more just to gain popularity with the one slandering you. A true friend would listen to reason, look at facts and would not let themselves be smithen by sweet words and popularity. Actually some of the most canneving people are very nice, sweet and seemingly caring. It's cause you catch more flies with honey and alot of bullshit then you do with being straight and honest. People like to be charmed and that's why friends are hard to come by. Also most people already have friends, so the ones still searching might be those butterflies, that never can settle down. The oak trees have already choosen long time ago.

Magnolia Lane

World of Vendela

This is my sixth page of my so called "green sites", though that has nothing to do with the site colour. This site is pink and not green. It's cause the green sites have to do with my everyday life, here in my Green World. My country is very green, or it has been so far, but if the tree death continues it will be less green. As you by now must have figured out the site is about my daughter Vendela, who's my baby girl I had late, when I already had turned 38 years old. I hope that will not make her too spoiled, but I think it's too late to worry about that, as of course everyone been cuddling with her from day one. If you want to go and see the site, just click here for the link - World of Vendela. I started this page when she was just a little girl, so there is alot of small girl stuff there. Also the name is more like for a little girl, then a teenager. I don't want to change the name however, as there are so much graphics to change if that would be done successfully. Vendela did play in a real playhouse when she was smaller, but it's gone many years now since she last did that. It seems like that house is mouldy and not too healthy anymore. Which is sad as I'd liked my grandchildren to play in there too one day.

The things Vendela like most to do these days seem to be watching videos on the internet. She says she watches YouTube alot and I guess she also does other things. It's gone a very long time since I saw her play with her The Sims4, which she so badly wanted when it came out. I can't even remember that I ever saw her play it and I was so curious on that game and wish I could play it myself. I have The Sims2 on my computer, but it seems like it does not work too well. Either my computer has too new operating system, or the old valleys are corrupted due to all the cheats I've used. Both me and Vendela used to create all sorts of weird beings, using cheats. I kind of miss those times when we played the same games and made stories together. I'm a bit childish, I know, but I like to play with those sims figures and I wish the games were even more realistic and one could do more things by free choice. I hate games that try to force you in one direction, as I wish totally free will games. I want to be the one who decides what my character likes and what they want with their life. Why play otherwise?

Like all my children I feel that Vendela is more like her father then me. Both in her interests and the way she thinks. It's kind of surprising that none of my children are like me, even if there are some looks that are kind of similar, but even that is very vague. It's like I only gave birth to them and hardly had nothing to do with their DNA. Either that or I am just blind, as some say my oldest daughter is like me. I think she's almost the child most like her dad! This daughter always said that Vendela is most like me, but I fail to see that too. I like to talk about feelings and thoughts I have, but she rather talk about other things, jokes and funny things they're doing or watching. It's very unlike me who are dwelling on stuff, and over analyzing everything. She finds that totally boring, so no use to try to talk to her as she'll tell me to shut up. I would never tell anyone to shut up when talking about deep things, but get more interested, or atleast be too polite to say anything. She's not specially "polite" that way. Her siblings are all more polite, I'd say, even if her oldest brother is known to speak his mind, no matter what. But Zak does like to talk about weird matters that interests me too, and in that way he's the one most like me. 

I would say that it's impossible to say that anyone is like me and to be honest they are not as persons particulary like their father either. Perhaps on the surface somewhat, but not as their true persons. All children are very uniqely themselves, and thank god for that. Vendela knows what she wants and she's not affraid to show it. She will however rarely tell you much, or just one time and then very silently. But she will not tell it again or in a loud voice so you truly understand. She will instead refuse to budge. She will not move and she will sulk till you "get" what's the matter. This has caused us great stress and irritation, as it takes so much time and energy to figure out all these "secrets". Then you feel deeply guilt tripped too, as you always are told that you "didn't listen", or something similar. And you go back and you don't remember her saying anything but perhaps something you could not hear, and asked her about a few times, but she refused to repeat. I don't know why she's behaving this way, but that it's part of her personality and will most likely never go away, but perhaps get a little less difficult as she matures. I think she's very sensitive and the slightest feeling of not being "heard" upsets her. She craves lots of hugs and kisses, but it's hard to feel that cuddly when she's missing the school bus for the zillions time over some unheard whisper.

I don't want to sound like I'm angry with her, as I'm not, but sometime it happens that it feels a little too much for us, as parents. We have no idea why she does this and we've never had this kind of problem with any of our other children. Sure, the oldest son had problems getting in time to school too, but it was cause of his obsessions over his hair he had when in Vendelas age. It was nothing that lasted forever and it was not constant. He normally got up and dressed and so did all our other children. Best behaved was the oldest daughter, who went up in time, dressed and made herself ready from she was quite small. I think I've not had much trouble with getting her to school from she was 6-7 years old. She was the oldest child and had to behave, or that's what she believes was the reason for this. When she was 6 years old she had one little brother who was 3 years and one who was just a baby. There might be some truth in that, as she was a very good girl, though very creative and clever at making hell of a mess in the house. She was the worst in that department, the oldest one. They all have special talents, my children, as you can hear. Both good and bad once, though it's in the eyes of the beholder to judge it bad or good.

To be honest I feel it's a very good quality to be strong minded and not let yourself be pushed around, so I have a very double feeling about all this trying to force your children to go to school when they don't feel like going to school. If there was something wrong with the other children, with some teacher or what have you, but when it's the child who does not feel well and perky and wish to stay at home and do what interests them instead, it feels rather ruthless and intrucive to try and force it. To me we live in a civilization of bullies where kind people are pushed around, and your ability to stand up for yourself is slowly erroded away. I feel truly like a mean person when I force my children to go to schools that are not healthy for them, and I know they are not. I didn't want my pregnant daughter got to her school, as soon as I found out about the pregnancy, since I knew developing fetuses are extra sensitive to wireless radiation and schools are just filled with that shit. But my daughter didn't want to miss any more school then necessary, so she went as often as she could. After awhile we found out something in the developing baby went wrong, and had to go to a specialist already when he was in her belly. 

And when he was born we found out yet two other weird mutations. As mutations is what happens due to radiation it's not impossible that had part in it. All three mutations had also happened in the same fase of development. They even told my daughter it was the same week they'd happened. There were two pregnant women on that school at that time - one pupil and one teacher - and both had premature births, which otherwise is not too common. One like to think that it had nothing to do with the school, but it's hard to ignore it with all the science, so there is a good reason that I'm reluctant to force her little sister to schools who don't care for the childrens health, just to save a buck. At least they've begun to give them somewhat eatable food, which they didn't when her brothers went there. Her closest brother had been normal in weight when he started on that school, but soon he lost so much he got us really worried. He was sickly hungry all the time, and we gave him money to buy something to eat and I sent on sandwiches for him. But then we realized that he neither went well with bread nore milk, so it was hard to find anything for him to eat when there was no real food served at the school. 

As his sister is really particular with food we were afraid when she was to start this school, but she seems to have coped the first year on bread mostly, as she refused to eat the food. She didn't do that since she disliked it, but cause her friend from the past school refused to go to the cantina, so cause of that our daughter felt she had to adopt to her friends wishes. She's a very nice girl, Vendela, but then this friend got mad at her for refusing to go on a school trip to Germany and stopped being friends with our daughter. Shortly before that our daughter had also gone against her and actually eaten the food at school, so I guess she finally stood up for herself. Since then she seems a little more healthy and I hope her problems with going to school will vanish as she has one whole year left after summer. At the moment I guess everyone has low levels of Vitamine D, so I'm not surpised also Vendela is feeling low, but spring is coming and the sun. Pity is one method some people try to gain power over others and I've been worried for many of my children as they are prone to empathy for others. Which is fine when you recieve empathy back, but in many cases people are only expecting and never giving.

Now have I lingered on about my little baby girl, who is no baby anymore, but it's time to talk about the gifts I've given her. At the top is a pink graphic I made from a tutorial, using a tube of my choice, and I fell for the girl with the basket. I also choose to do it in pink, while her sister got the original, which was blue. Below that is another one I used a nice picture and a tutorial, but used another effect so the frame got softer. I also changed the colour to this very pale pink, as the original had strong colours. The cute squirrels I put into the same tutorial I've made for all my other children, but to Vendela I choose a pink colour. The forth gift in a sharp pink colour I used a tutorial for, but changed the frame just slightly. The picture was one made of the same artist as was suggested. Just above here is a vector-graphic also made from a tutorial, and then I added a frame I already had to it. Below is a tutorial too, with a lady in pink and turquoise. It's made with selections and not vectors. I think I will stop there as there are so many gifts it gets quite boring hearing about all of them at the same time. Or ever. Anyways, you might see that I often choose pink in Vendelas graphics and as you will see I also love turquoise.

Vendela has blue eyes, just like her oldest brother Zak, while her closest brother Jer has dark brown eyes, and her sister Magda has green eyes. So all children has somewhat different eye colours, and the blue eyed children have not exactly the same kind of blue. I think Vendela has more pale blue and Zak a little darker, but I can be mistaken. He's moved away from home for more then a year ago, and moved again late last year, but will move again next month. Vendelas oldest sister moved away from home more then two years ago, and last summer she moved again. They are looking for a new home, as it's kind of small what they have, so hopefully they all will end up closer as it takes more then 30 minutes to drive to either one of them now. Still at home now are Vendela and her brother Jer, and we don't know for how much longer he's still here as he will finish school this summer. Perhaps he starts university close by and stay a little longer, perhaps he moves and we are left with one teenager. I do hope he will stay longer, as his sister and him gets along so very well and never ever fights. Not like they did when they were much younger and had problems understanding each other. I think they've worked beautifully to learn to respect each other and be good friends.

My next site I will talk about will be about friendship as that is a very important issue for me. But another important issue is siblings and for my world I cannot understand my own and how cruel and heartless they've acted to me my whole life. At this point I only wish to keep my relationship with my oldest brother as he's the only one with decency enough to make an apology for all he remembers he did, but also for things he might have forgotten that was hurtful to me. I've told him that I'm sorry for anything I've made to him that might had felt hurtful. You see, you don't need to remember everything, but you need to ask for forgiveness. Believing you don't need to do that, when in fact you have hurt someone and you risk to loose a sibling cause of your haughtiness is not really worth it. However, evil siblings will try make you ask for forgiveness for things they've done. That's how my other two siblings are, that they think they are clever when they spread out shit about me, making out that I've done what they've done, and try to guilt trip me to ask them for forgiveness. On several occasions I've even read the most stuck up human being I've met accuse me and my humble brother, who did apologize to me, for not showing any humility. That is so irritating anything can be, which is the reason she behaves that way - to irritate. We ignore.

It's very hard to brake free from a cult family, where heavy brainwashing been going on, but I feel I'm well on my way. Many times I've been dead afraid my only family of origin I have left will go back to them, as he does pick up the phone when mother phones and he does read mails from the siblings. I would never do either purposely, while I've by mistake liftet the phone a few times, but that gave me the opportunity to tell her what she'd already been told by my brother. But she refused to accept it when he told her in 2013, and she refused to accept it 1½ years later. What I know have happened didn't, according to her, and my feelings due to all of that does not matter. No, they don't exist in reality and are only proof of my mental illness, as disagreeing with hers lies are insane. Not according to her own brother, who wrote in the 80's that his sister was insane and that an aunt called her acting like she was posessed when their mother was ill. I know what he talks about and he was right. She was calling both her brothers psychopaths to all who cared to listen, just like she now is defaming me. She was totally obsessed with the inherence after their parents, just like she is now, only now she's doing everything to rip me and my children off, and her oldest son and his children.

She's doing that as she wish to help her extension - her youngest daughter. That woman is so like her mother it's scary. They've both had the same surgery on their noses as both had too tight channels to breath, and watching sister before her operation you can clearly see how like they are. She also made plastic surgery when under the knife so hence it's harder to see the likeness. But they are very like. The other difference is that sister has those big teeth some others in mothers family have, but mother does not. I had the same nose as dad, but I had to make an operation as that nose actually gave me migrains. It had a bump and that created a shadow and flickering lights cause migrains. I've inherented migrain from my mothers mothers side, and my ugly thin lips from mother, but the teeth are like dad's and so are most of the rest. I'm scarily alike my father, which he didn't realized until 2010, two years before he died. Up till that he thought I was just as worthless as his ex since 1991 made out behind my back that I was, while she pretended to be my friend. I now know that the only possibility information cae to my siblings, things I'd said in confidance to mother, is that she spelled the beans and exaggerated to make me look bad.

I should not be surprised if she said the most horrible things behind my back as I remember her totally lying to her own mother about me back in the 80's. It was so shocking that I could not believe she'd done it, but evidence clearly shows that my granny, mothers mother, totally thought I was behaving at home in a way that was totally the opposite to the truth. All my help and good deeds ever since my baby sister was born in 1971, when I was almost 9, mother took away from me like they've never happened. Granny believed mother was a perfect saint and I was a horried user! When I told dad's oldest sister about this revelation I had had when 22, she clearly did not believe me. I could hear it in her voice and see on her body language, that she thought I was exactly how granny believed. I got so mad that mother must have been backstabbing me to my whole extended family. What horrible mother does that to her innocent, kind and helpful daughter? Now I have studied and now I know. It's not all too uncommon actually and that is the sad thing about it. That so many like myself have been suffering from bad reputation due to putdowns and untruthful twists of reality, to make some in the family look better. It's called to be "scapegoated" and results in extremely low selfesteem and a stream of unfullfilled dreams in the backwater.

Every family have someone who likes to get into trouble more then the others, and in a normal family that person is the one named as the troublemaker. But in a sick and twisted family it's not the one behaving appalling that is named as the meanance. A totally innocent bystander are. I don't have many exact examples anymore as like most scapegoats I suffer from memory loss when it comes to my childhood. I've talked to the firstborn scapegoat and he has the same problem with memory, only that we together could help each other remember a little more. In short I know for sure that our brother could do whatever he liked and if it was bad enough his older brother, mostly, got to get the total blame for all of it. However, it was an easy pick as the oldest one was quite wild and full of ideas what to do to see what would happen. He didn't seem to understand the consequenses of his actions, so he did lots of things that was not so good to do. And he got alot of spanking for it. In my opinion this behavior only gets worse if there is not logic in the punishment you lash out at the child. If the child sees that another child can get away with really naughty stuff just by framing his brother, I guess the child does not learn a thing more then that this world is a very unfair place.

This was always a dilemma for me raising my four children, as I didn't want to blame someone innocent for another childs mischief. I think it's better to not punish then to punish the innocent, and to tell them to try and be nice to each other. In my family it was the oldest boy who did naughty things out of thoughtlessness and he tried to frame his sister for it. However she did not get spanked but she was often very upset due to this, so it happened that she was told that she was the oldest and to finish the fight she should be the one who stopped arguing, as her brother would not obiously admit to anything. How could I know who was truthful and who was making up things, as in many cases children both believe their version to be the right one? This is not what I'm talking about here, but this is what the liars in my family like others to believe is the case. In my family there were people who straight out lied to frame the innocent for what they've done themselves. It started out with our parents always blaming the older boy for what the younger had done. It was always the oldest fault, no matter what. Like I said, he was wild in a certain age and easy to frame, but he got calmer when he got older and in many ways his younger brother was even wilder after that.

If you punish a child for being wild and reckless you will teach them to calm down and think before they take to actions. That happened alot with my oldest brother who began to be much more careful, and not just do whatever popped up in his head. However, his brother kept doing whatever he fancied for as long as I've known him. And like I said, he was never punished for any mischief he did, ever. At the most the parents laughed at his bravery and recklessness, like it was something admirable. They used to liken him to fathers father who did all sorts of crazy things without thinking them through properly. So one boy was likened to the hero-like grandfather when behaving irresponsible, and the other was not at all. And that taught them different values for the same actions, that some are good and fun doing crazy stuff, and others are just illbehaved. This is how you create a scapegoat, as the one getting the negative judgement will become obsessed with doing right, and no matter how hard he tries it will never be good enough. And try such a person will. They will try until they've made one after the other sucesses, but no matter what they succeed with it will never be admired or acknowledged by the scapegoating parents. Eventually all the rejection will tear down the hopes of ever be good enough and many are the adult scapegoated children that have hit a brick wall.

At the same time as the scapegoated child can never become good enough, there is almost nothing the choosen child can do wrong. So while the scapegoat work hard and get very good jobs, a nice wife and wonderful children, the choosen one - the Golden Child - can go from one relationship to another, have all sorts of weird jobs and hardly get anywhere in life. Some might do really good however, as they got such a boosted up selfconfidence that it helps them get ahead without much effort. It all depends on their personalities and also golden children are not totally like each other. There are similarities, like the selfentitlement, the grandious belief in their rights beyond their scapegoated brother or sister, but otherwise a golden child can be both very intellectual and stupid like an eggplant. That's why my two golden children are very unlike each other. One went for an academical careere, and the other skipped all education and just made shit up and went from there and charmed people to get ahead. In my opinion the first golden child was made this way cause of mother and also the enabler, our father. He could had been a nice person, but all the spoiling and boosting of his ego made him loose it. He's also very fragile and can crack any moment, and then it's not pleasant to be around him as he's like a vulcano erupting. 

All this is very odd to his two closest siblings as we used to erupt when we were children, due to his mind fuck, when he turned reality upsidedown. But now he's acting out of control, ranting, misbehaving and being extremely rude to people, and that if reality does not fit his world view. This is typical for aging narcissists, I've been told, that they begin to loose it, and after what I've gathered people born with an inclination for narcissism can get so much worse if they are not properly raised, in equality and fairness. So therefore I blame our parents for ruining our dear brother, as both me and my oldest brother actually did love him alot, but there is not much to love anymore as horrible as he's become. And while a narcissist gets worse by age, us two non-narcissists have learnt the uselessness in arguing with narcissism. We've learned that it's better to walk away then try to reason with them, or try to make such a person see anything your way. A narcissist does not care if you are hurting, he does not care if he's wrong about you, or that he's been helping out to destroy someone who loved him with all her heart. Narcissists only care to protect their EGO of righteousness, and we as brother and sister to such a being must realize that and emotionally detach from him and the kind of abuse he's lashing out at us.

Of course I do know that he knows that he's been unfair and that I was telling the truth all this time and that his oldest brother told the truth. That's why he's extra dangerous, as he knows he's been wrong. He fell for the sociopathic lies, which are built up and created during years of deception. The lies that our two remaining women in our FOO have been spinning. It's not for me to say if mother was totally in on it from the start, or if she just adjusted her reality view as she took cues from the master liar in our family. As I've said it does not really matter anymore, as anyone doing that, changing past history of what they've said before, to fit new versions of reality, are acting deliberately false and are also a liar. So mother is a liar, and did I not know it already! She lied about me to granny and whatever bad things she said about me she most likely spread to others. No wonder the whole extended family of old women believe that I'm exactly like her and that my sister is like our father. That is the lies mother has spun, where she made her own mother believe I was lazy, like mother was, and that she cooked and cleaned and did things I did. I helped out so much father didn't want me to leave and refused to let me pay my way at home, as he thought I paid with work. But in mothers story to granny I refused to pay and do any work. How evil isn't that?

When I think back about the shock and horror I felt when I realized at age 22, that mother had lied about me to my dear granny and made her believe I was a real monster, then I also must realize that this lie she spun to others too. I must understand that this was the reason fathers sisters thought my sister was a saint, and I was a very bad person. It's almost impossible to understand that they could believe such foul things about that shy and introverted poor young girl, but they did. I was so shy and akward and I did not have a clue how to talk to people. I never spoke unless spoken to and then I spoke with my heart in my throat, scared to death I'd say something that would upset someone. And being looked upon like a bad person did not help at all. Now I also know that someone has framed me for the chickens that the family dog killed thanks to our golden brother. It was actually his dog, but a few months before he let the dog loose to kill those chickens he'd got bored with the dog, and since I already took more care of her then he did he proclaimed that the dog now was mine. Somehow this action by my brother was then framed onto me and also his unwillingness to pay for the damages was framed onto me. I found out about this 35 years later!

When people use you as a scapegoat they rather not get to know you, and they avoid speaking to you or listen to you. None of my relatives ever took their time to get to know me and if I dared to speak out about anything I was swiftly shut down with a snidy remark, making sure that I knew I was the dirty bastard for daring to go against some holy golden child. My father was his families golden child, what I've figured out, so I guess that was the reason I could not speak about his mistreatment of me either. I truly loved my father but he pushed me away long before I became a teenager, and I will never forget his eyes of disgust when I was in my pre-teen years. It totally devestated me that I've grown into such an ugly monster my father could not stand to look upon. I love beauty and so I will now talk about my gifts instead. The gemini-gift I made using a tutorial and just adding the graphic of the sign in the middle. The tea pot and cups I made up myself using vectors and the pink girl and the victorian gifts are both tutorials. The bunny above is a vector-tutorial I put into a graphic I made and the angel below is a tutorial. When people behave ugly towards me I always tried to make the world more pretty making beautiful things instead. And animals been the best friends I've ever had as they like me for who I am, and not for what others say I am. That's what I wish for Vendela, to be liked for who she is, as she's a beautiful and strong soul, with compassion and love in her heart.

Magnolia Lane

World of Jeremias

Of my green sites this is the fifth, made about my third child, my second son. Like his brother and sisters he loves cats and animals and has always been very good at taking care of them, making sure the cats gets to eat and feeling very much for them. On this site is some of his own graphics he did when he was much smaller, but most of what's here I've made as it's really my site and you should not look at it and think this is my son's, but it's my site to honor him, just like all my sites for my children are. You can go and look at it here - World of Jeremias. The oldest graphic on my gift page there is the one above, and when I made that it reminded me of my two youngest children out in the garden with me and the cat beside the boy looks just like the old homeless cat that came to us and slowly were tamed. I think we first spotted him back in 2005 and in 2007 he accidentally mated with one of our female cats, the black smoke longhaired one. Actually he did it twice, as he made one kitty in 2006 too, but it died at birth. In 2007 all four kitties survived and Jer kept one for himself, that was looking very much like his father. 

In May 2010 the kitty disappeared without no trace, but we are pretty sure what happened to him, which is very sad. This winter the homeless cat died of old age in our basement. He started to get tame after the harsh winter of 2009/2010 when it was so very cold and he refused to get indoors. Ever since then he changed his mind and started to let you pet him and stroke him. It didn't take long till he was almost as tame as the rest and a few years later he even wanted to come into the hall and this winter he accepted to go in and catch a mice that bothered us. But shortly after that he fell ill, lost weight very hastily and then died. He must have been very old, though it's hard to know. He did look quite old already back in 2005, so that's my guess. Two of his children still lives with us, a tabby girl and a longhaired boy, and his grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Jer's present cat is one of his many descendants, a black longhaired male. We'd hope the tabby girl, his mother, would have another shorthaired tabby, but all she got was longhaired ones, blacks and one white. Apart from the new kitty not being all too homebroken he seems to behave in his master's room. He's mostly naughty on all other places. 

Most of the free time Jer playes with his computer, so therefore the name of the inside of this site, which you can read on the gifts. Both the two first ones here I've made myself, without using any tutorials, but only some nice graphics. The one below here however I made from a tutorial and used a funny cow tube I found. I made one each of this one to all my children. I always seem to choose earth colours to graphics and pages I do for Jer, like sand, brown or mossy green. That is the colours he likes so that's why. Another thing he really liked as a small child was lions, which of course are very big cats, so I've put lions on the first entrance site. But now Jer is a big young man and there is no interests in lions anymore, but of other matter. That's how it is with the young ones, they grow up too fast and before you know it those walks over the fields are gone, there are no more skating by the creek and biking trips to buy ice cream by the lake. All that is memories of sunny days and green forests filled with blueberries. We've done alot of fun things despite being skint all the time and we've always stuck together as a family. 

I choose to stop working after his baby sister was born and Jer was just a little boy not much more then 3½ yrs old, so he pretty much grew up with a stay at home mom. And even before that I had only worked less then half time and a couple of months I had studied in between. That was when I got pregnant and had to drop out due to the severe morningsickness, which was more like total sickness. When I compare my children the youngest one always had a stay at home mom, though she was allowed to go to daycare a few hours a week to get to know her new schoolmates, just like Jer did when he was about four years old. Jer had been pretty upset over me leaving him when he was small to go to work a few hours and it was hard to find someone he liked that looked after him. That was cause he only knew me and was not bonded to anyone else then me for the whole first year of his life. His dad was almost never at home that year as he both worked and studied and it took all his time, even though I don't think it was two fulltimes, but more like 150% or perhaps more. Still he rarely made it home and I cannot remember him ever looking after Jer up till he was around 8 months old.   

This is the reason in my opinion that Jer was so very bonded to me and didn't like anybody else touching him. He only wanted his mommy, but we did find a good carer called Monia, whom he really fancied. It all went really well with her until Jer was 3 years old and she got a new baby to her bunch. That was when she wasn't all focused on Jer anymore and of some reason he went back in his development, as before that he's been totally dry for almost a full year. That was so frustrating as every time I went to pick my children up the poor little boy had wet himself before we came home. So obviously no-one checked him like before or he was reacting to the new baby, as children are known to do that when a new baby arrives. The doctor I spoke to about it even suggested that it was my new baby that's caused it, but she was not even showing on my belly when it all began. I should really not tell about this, as it could be dead embarrassing, but it's apparently a common problem that children starts to feel insecure when a new baby arrives and the regression is due to some kind of reaction cause of that. It's not likely physical, but a mental thing. Some kind of stress perhaps.

Apart from that problem there was not much, even though he did get a bad tummy easily. I later on realized it most likely was the milk. He often could not sleep at night and screamed alot. He also suffered for a long time of night scares, where he started yelling really hysterical in the middle of the night, but when you got there he was still asleep and you could not reach him. That was pretty scary as he sounded frightened half to death. People still don't really know what that is, or why certain children get it. Of my four children Jer was the one most haunted by it, while the others had other peculiarities instead going for them. Nothing too strange I should say, as I've found out I have unwanted relatives stalking my sites trying to find filth on us they can use to put us down. Don't know if they'd bother with this kind of old stuff, from the childrens earlier years, but I know they love to pick up new stuff about them they can twist and turn like they are hopeless monsters and I'm some kind of useless monster mom. These relatives I hope soon will be ex-relatives as we are in the process of divorcing them. It might take some time yet to get it totally and after that it most likely will take a few years until they get that it was a divorce. They sure are thick and really dumb, those unwanted prats.

I choose to do a graphic to Jer with this cute tabby cat as he reminded me of Jer's cat that went missing. His name was Eldarin and he had a white belly and a funny tail as he was born with a somewhat shorter one. I made the frame from a tutorial, but did the most outer part round instead. Below is another graphic that was so cute and I just had to put in the game room, or the wild game room, as it's and elk and elks are pretty wild and they are often also game to hunters. It's supposed to be an elk hanger on a wall in a cabin. I put the christmas frame around it as it fitted the red knitted hat on the elk's head. I've tried to not put up too girly stuff on this site and instead bringing in some funny ones instead, like the cow above and the elk here. But as you can see below it's been hard for me, so there is lots of pretty gifts that Jer would never have choosen himself. That's why I say that this is not a page I've made to him, but my page I've made for myself about my son, so it's filled with my love for him and not of his stuff, but I have snagged a few of his stuff, like I said, and put up for display. 

Recently my oldest daughter, who's a mother, told me that a child needs more then one person they are bonded with from infancy and early childhood, but as we had a very poorly economy, due to events beyond our control, the childrens father had to work and study from Jer was just born and his first three years. Shortly after that his baby sister was born and their father had to move far away to work and we hardly saw him in a  year, before we could join him. All that made the children mostly bonded to me, though the oldest girl is very close to her father. We can always play the "if-game", but it's true that if I'd been helped when I needed help by a family that could had helped, everything would had been differently for my children. Shortly before I was to give birth to my first born my mother all of a sudden filed for a divorce. She'd lived seperated from father for several years and she had inhereted a small fortune a couple of years before, so there were no reason what so every for her to do that. She had no new man in her life and no intent on finding any, but her only reason was a lack of money, which does not add up with the reality I now have figured out. 

She'd tried to blackmail father into accepting to give her half of everything he'd worked so hard for, while he paid and took care of all the costs of our household. She lived for 25 years for free with him, keeping all her earnings to herself and he'd worked beside his ordinary job for years to buy the family farm. He took care of us children, all household work and then he slaved with renovating several houses to get money to buy up the farm so he could fullfill his dream of retireing on that farm and live off it in his old age. His dream was too that our mother would join him, now that her mother had passed on. He thought she'd come back to him, but truth was she never intended to. She watched and waited until he'd bought up the farm, saved alot of more money, made some money on the farm and built a whole new house on the farm. Then she struck and demanded half of everything. When he refused to give her that she filed for a divorce and she did not one second give me and my coming baby one thought. She crushed father just before he'd have his very first grandchild and she took away as much attention as she could do from me.

By the time the second grandchild was born just before Christmas that year the divorce was done and father was greatly relieved as he by a hair managed to keep his farm, by giving her everything else, more or less. During the early year of 1992 he had to transfere all his fonds to her and shortly after that the economy crashed here and lots of young families, like mine and my oldest brothers, with new houses and small children, went bankrupt due to the ordeals the banks bestowed on them. The interest rates skyrocketed, sometimes as high as 35%, which no normal family could carry. Inspite of fathers wish to assist he could not do anything until a couple of years later, when he equally gave all his children, inspite of need or children, the same amount. At that time I was pregnant with my third child and my oldest brother had two small ones. The youngest daughter had a toddler and were married since a couple of years, and they had escaped the crash in 1992 totally unharmed. The younger son had just married and with the help of our mother found himself and his new bride living by the sea in a lovely little house. 

Still father fairly gave without concern for who'd were greatest in need, so to be honest I really cannot understand these deciciouns today, as a parent myself, as clearly mother were helping some, and others not. This same year our youngest sister also tried to make father sign a will, where he was to give her a house to the worth it had in 1992, after his death. Father refused to sign the will and in December 2014 three copies of this will was found in a desk drawer in fathers house. What he did sign that year was however another agreement, which most likely he authored after he rejected the suggested will. On the will he'd changed the amount our sister wanted the house for to the double, but still he did not sign it. Up till today she, mother and our second brother are swearing on that father signed the paper where the house was to be given at the smaller value, which I have no recollection the actually signed agreement stated, and the change of the will also suggests was strongly against fathers actual will. Everything points to the reality we have predators in our mists, whom hold family bonds, honesty and honour very low. Predators and free loaders like our mother, who is an expert at framing others for her own wrongdoings.

To be truthful I'm the person who never complained to father about anything, nore did I ask him for money or pretended I was in more dire need then I was. I'm the kind that will not speak about such issues until it's very dire indeed and even then I will be brief. That description could not be applied to the entitled ones, whom seem to go under the moral that you can bully and nag until you get whatever you want, as they deserve it. However great envy will they hold if some other does what they always do, which I find very weird. I could understand that someone like me who rarely asks for anything and would never nag if rejected, would find it unfair if someone asking many times for special gifts would get such, when others do not. But the green, obvious envy them two special ones showed when they made it up like the oldest gotten far more then them was horrible. No way was it even true, as he honorably put all his gifts out in the open, while them two with hold what we could not prove ourselves. The younger brother kept his gob shut about all the bills father had paid for him and as they were so many and small he made the lawyer delete them all, and by that magically making more then 100 K disappeare. God knows how much the sneaky, greedy sister managed to vanish from our eyes, as the lawyer were hired by her, and paid by all of us. 

The source of true envy is that which does not really ground itself in reality. It's coming from pure malice, where the envious cannot appreciate others right to their fair and honest share, but conciders anything equal as unfair to them, and will conceal and lie to make sure there is no such thing as equality. So at the tender age of 20 our very envious and greedy sister seems to have used fathers sadness due to the divorce to con him to "give" her a house, which ment alot to the favorite son of our parents. He was truly their sweetheart and darling, and there is no doubt about it, so if someone would accuse his older brother of envy due to this fact that accuser is nothing but a liar and defamer. The older brother would have had every reason to complain and show envy, as many were the times he got tormented unfairly and even physically beaten due to errors the darling son had made. If that is not a foundation for rightful recentment, I don't know what is, but still he showed none, and that shows his greatness. Whom are anything but great are those defaming such an honorable man with emotions and actions he's never hold or done. Which is what smearers and liars do, while they themselves are the envious and evil ones.

The santa above was made from a tutorial and I added the amaryllis I draw from another. Above is an image I made to a birthday site for Jer and apart from the Scorpio are it's the same as the tutorial. Below are a flower I made up myself entirely, and it's a fantasy flower all together. Coming back to the house our young sister made father "promise" her shortly after his divorce I can understand the envy that must had raised in our golden brother, who loved that cabin so very much and always acted like it was more his then any others. The rest of us thought not much about it, as you might imagine a lonely father wishing his youngest child to come back home again, which seems now was the sentiment this young girl so cunningly used. Four years after this "promise" was made she tried to make father sign the will, but had to settle with another agreement, which did not support her own version of events, but rather what our mother has claimed to me for many years was our fathers claim all this time. Allthough telling me that she kept believing her youngest daughters tales, and concider her ex-husbands corrections of the error as the faulty part. That is how strongly she's under the evil spell of her best accomplish by far, if it's evil you want. 

It took the precious son another five years to have his own cabin, after his sister had finally gotten father to atleast sign some sort of agreement, if not the one she desired. Inspite father already many years before this had offered me a piece of land to build my own cottage, mother told me in 2012 that the only place this special son of theirs could place his. That did not make any sort of sense to me, as I'd rejected the land due to lack of funds and means to even begin to make such an endavour. At the time our family was hardly carrying even the burden of food and roof over our heads, while my husband were both working and studying very hard on his second university education. The first was in economics and this one in computers, learning to program so he'd be able to leave the tax job and start on a private business to develope computer programs. All that while we had little children, one after another, and like I told it was when Jer was born his father began to re-educate himself. So there were no room for us to build anything, as the economic crash in 1992 hit us hard as we just had both bought a house and gotten a child. So my question was - why did not father offer this plot to my brother when he wished to build?

Mother had told me that there were no other space father would allow a house on, but the one their golden son was given. I've pondered this statement long and hard ever since I heard it, and could not make it add up with fathers willingness to offer a plot far off in the northern parts of the property. I would rather suspect father did not want to offer any other spot on the farm yard itself and that is the only answer I can find. I suspect that my oldest brother is very right when he sees that the small cabin was built to be a way in to become the rightful sole heir of the farm, and nothing else, by the younger son. And what has he and our little sister made the lawyer believe? That they are the rightful heirs, and we are not. He straight out has told us this, which means that these two and their only sons are worth way more due to this strategic planning and conning then all the rest of us put together, cause we had not malice towards our siblings, and not the ruthlessness to demand houses and help with getting a place to put all his worldly goods, that he could not bring with him when he left the country. So by having a outhouse to use as his warehouse he changed his adress to the farm and by that making out that this is his homestead. By doing that conning the lawyer he had more rightful claims then his brother and his closest sister, as both of us stayed in the country and moved closer to father, but never pretended we lived with him. It was all mirrors and illusions.

Renting a place to store your stuff in would had cost a neat sum for those 14 years that now has gone by. In my estimation atleast 140 000 kr, which even is more then he claims he invested himself in the building. Renting a proper summer house, like the one our sister claims she's been owing the rights to for more then 20 years, would amount to a sum far exceding 500 000 kr by now, if not much more. It all depends on how much one would calculate a normal rent to be and what the cottage been used as, which in this case was to be rented out to summer guest. A business easily adding an income for each week far beyone the rent, if there had been any rent that is. All of this means that by adding up what each of them in reality has recieved as benifits and gifts their greed and unrightful envy comes even more clear. There I had, by the time the outhouse was built, born father four lovely grandchildren and my husband had worked hard to give his family a better income. We had gratefully taken the help granted to us, when so had been, and never envied and desired what was not given. Still on this day, that is the present, all this envy and greed has been falsly shifted from those it belongs, to us who honorably shared and let others do as they please, as each has a choice.

While my children grew up in poverty in wealth, but richness in love, we had to rely on fantasy and imagination and make up our own adventures. None of their cousins had to rely soley on this to travel to foreign land, neither on either side of the family. I like to make that very clear as such greedy people will make out the most humble and kind to be the ruthless and cruel. That is cause they will not meet the demons that live in their hearts, so they put blame on the innocent. My children were innocent and we lived simple lives, while the falsly saintly lived costly lives with all sorts of entertainments. That's what makes their lies so evil as they take from those that possess the right to own the virtue, and put it onto themselves, like wolves robbing the sheep of it's fur to fool the rest of the sheeps in the herd. When I had once asked my mother to give to Jer the same as she so dearly wanted to give to the golden grandson, she felt reluctant and complained since forever over the cost of giving to my child what he needed for two years, while without a thought gave to another child to use for a couple of weeks.   

The graphics with the battle I made from a tutorial, but choose the graphic to fit to Jer and his love for games and shows. The black and white one above with the playing cards and dices I felt suited as Jer loves to play also these kinds of games. It's made straight out from a tutorial. The cowboy boots and hat I made from tutorials and then I put them into a creation of my own, using some lovely wild horses. At the bottom I put up a funny easter bunny I draw from a tutorial. Remember that I made all these gifts out of nothing, from a cheap computer we've built on our own, like we always do. I created as well as I could a childhood for my children based on values of what is right and what is wrong, and to them to learn to be grateful for the things that life beholds them and treat others fairly. For that is values you cannot buy with money or pompous manors you picked up when pretending to be what you are not. At the end I do hope this will atlast become everyones insight and the foolishness of the pretenders will be no more. Those that tries to rise by stepping on others true riches, lessening others children and others art and creations, are the poorest of them all. 

They are sick of envy as nothing you can buy can be as endlessly fullfilling as the life of someone who has a family that loves and cares for all. These poor envious adult children, who cry over a mother who knows not what love is for, and betrays and stab her own children in their back. These poor sodders know only greed, envy and the need to control what is not theirs to control, as they did when they grew up and could not build love with their family, but stole the little love they found. When I built love and brought care and sunlight to the house, all that the needy could build was control and cries for mommy's care, which never would be. Looking at my beautiful children I see all that I care for and the smile on my last one, the little one, the grandchild, reminds me of the time when Jer was small. All the smiles of the little boy that cared so much for his mommy, and I do care for all of my children, is mirrored in his little sisterson, when he laughs in joy when his granny comes and kiss and hug and play. It's a joy that no spa's or castles, hotels, dream holidays or wines and foods could ever compaired with. All that is boredom and tired comforts for what is true and fills a heart with such greatness that nought can compair.  

So at the end at last we come where I will try and sum up what I tried to reveal here for you. That despite the try of many to take from me the ability to feel joy for what I so proudly created in this world, this quest has failed as the lack of money, debts, struggle and all that has come to our door, could never reach at the core of what holds us all together. No matter what the conflict we'd never turn on each other as others harmed on of us out of spite. If ever any of us would be charmed by a false charmer they'd soon see their errors in their ways, and not hold on to false beliefs of liars, just cause of some false hope they'd earn some favors, like the mother of my childrens mother would. To hold on to what is real and not let deception rule your perceptions are what founds a solid ground to long lasting bonds in a family. That I sure can see in my darling children, that all of them see and watch out for. I do wish them to be wise in their lives and hold the lessons they learn in their memories and try to remember also what they've seen the adults do, and what was wise and what was follish in these actions. There is always lessons to learn from illwilled people who will treat others as they don't deserve, and the lesson is to treat them as they do. To treat illwilled people as the scum of the earth they are.

The wisdom and far beyond their age of knowing and understanding is qualities I have found growing out of the children I once bore. It is not my creation, but their own, as they might just as ill had choosen to walk the paths of their lives as I've seen the others I watched grow up did. The road of superficial desires, shifting their blame unto the innocent and other lowlife "virtues" I'd more then happily see none of my children of my flesh, born from my womb and no other woman's, choose to walk. I so far has seen one child become mother herself and live through heartaches, lethal worries and work hard and reach her goal and become a woman I can trust will do what is right and do no harm to others out of spite. I've seen a son grow up to love a woman, and put his passion to keep her safe the way a man should do. I now am wondering what wonder will come from my younger son, who still is a mystery unread as so often it is when the young is in their teens. They are like butterflies, yet not done inside their cocoons, waiting to burst out and show their own colours when they open up their wings. So there is so much untold yet about my son, who loved his mommy so very much he never wanted to leave her side, but one thing is sure - he is not still that little boy and can do well without his mommy.

Magnolia Lane