World of Pets

Lets talk about pets now as this is a post about my final eighth site in my Green World. It's a perfect time to bring this up as alot have happened concering pets today and there are so much issues with pets that has been life changing for me. On this site I have a few memorial pages about a few of all the pets I've had, but there were so many at the end that I stopped making those pages. At one point I counted to 60 animals, if I also added the chickens and the mice. They were more pets those chickens then farm animals, and the mice I counted were not the wild ones, but those in cages. We had also tons of rabbits and quite a herd of ginny pigs. Today we have only cats and a very old dog. You can go and look at the site here - World of Pets. Most of my experiences with pets are very loving and wonderful, and even scary events, like being seriously bit, are not anything that truly traumatic to me. Being bit is just something that happens now and then as pets, just like humans, might be feeling bad, having episodes when their hormones are out of balance and other factors might also play in. In most cases it's actually their humans that have done something wrong, that causes them to bite someone.

What has been traumatic to me, concerning pets, are actually humans. It's the cruelty of humans and their ill intent of harming or killing pets just to cause pain and suffering to other humans. That is the most stunning of behavior as to me it's pure evil. The more stunning to me is it that so many blame not the one actually doing the harming or killing, but the person that this cruelty affects, like it's the person being hurt that is to blame for the ill treatment of the pets. That is the most ridiculous and insane conclusion, that I've noticed so many people do. That the animal would not had been harmed or even killed, unless the person caring about this would not had cared so much, so hence it's this person's fault the animal was hurt by the animal abuser! How crazy can you get to even come up with such exuses. The worst thing, and most traumatic of all of this, is that you end up as the guilty one for caring for the animal and trying to protect it. The reasoning here is that if you'd not tried to stop the harm to come to the pet, there would had not been any harm to it. It's crazy as that is not true. Someone trying to hurt an animal and being stopped, will not not harm the animal if you neglect to stop them. Then they surely will harm it.

I will try and explain this once again by using a living example. Once upon a time I was a little girl and for the first time in my life I had a cat and she had a couple of kitties. Father gave them away to a farmer who promised that I could come and see them whenever I wanted to and that he'd take proper care of them. Two weeks later I went down to see them, but was met with an evil smirk on the old guy's face and he told me he'd shot them just a few days after they came to stay with him, as they were too damn social. He wanted them as barn cats and not as indoor, cuddly kitty cats. This was nothing like he'd promised me when he got them, as he knew they were raised as family kitties, with children and indoors with us. I got the feeling he'd intended to shoot them all the time and was only taking them to get an opportunity to piss my family in our face, as father had an important position in our small town and many hated him, but didn't dare to really do much about it. By harming me, as his little child, the man might had felt he could get to father without actually doing anything "wrong" as what he did surely would affect father's little beloved daughter alot. 

Honestly I don't believe one second that he ever intended to fullfill his promise to take good care of them and his promise that I could come and see them anytime I wanted to would also make sure that I did and would get devestated. I surely did get devestated and I hated the farmer with all my heart and soul and sent him pain and suffering his way, so much pain he'd feel every hurt his murder had caused me, up until the day he died. Shortly after that he got liver cancer and within three years he was dead. And even if that freaked me out at the time I now feel he had it coming and I do hope that I caused him what he deserved for intentionally harming a little child, who's only "crime" was her true love of her little kitties. I do consider in these dying age, that such behavior deserve to be punished in that very way, so I don't feel the child - me in this instance - did anything wrong to wish all the pain I felt onto him. I more or less sent it on to him and after crying and crying for hours upon hours and sending all that pain unto the farmer, I did feel a relief. That relief is when the pain, all that terrible energy, has been properly sent to the one who deserves it. The cruel person harming others for fun. 

That was one example of a person doing harm to pets and where the child getting hurt by the death of these cute kitties felt guilty for hating the farmer and cursing him to his death. I know that many would blame the child here and think she should had "forgiven the farmer" as he did not know what he did. Well, excuse me. He did know what he did, as he knew how much those kitties ment to me and therefore he made the promise I could come and see them and that he'd take good care of them. And I could tell by how he spoke and the look in his eyes when I came to see my beloved kitties, that he had illness in his soul. He was spiteful and showed no regret for the hurt he surely knew he'd caused me. Like I said I was a little girl, only seven years old and very small for my age, so doing what he did, being a grandfather with little grandchildren, he surely was a very bad person. So how can this little child be the one to blame for the death of these kitties? Or the death of that man? She cannot. He was just an evil man, out to do bad, and he deserved to die in the most painful way a man can die as he took pleasure in harming an innocent child, by harming her beloved pets.

The reason I start up by telling this old tale is cause many years later another girl is also seven years old, and she decides to kill a kitty to spite others. This is the opposite tale of the one above, and yet again we find that the guilt is laid upon the girl that tried to prevent this little girl to do the killing. In this instance the kitty is beloved by an aunt, who reluctantly lends the kitty to this little girl. It's not really a little girl as she's very big for her age, just as big as other children when nine or ten. So she might look older then she is, but inside she's not even as mature and loving as the very little girl in the tale before, who herself loved and cared for the kitties. In this next tale the older girl, the same as the very small girl in the first tale, tries to make the grown ups not let the younger girl have the kitty, but nobody listens to her. This is cause in aunt's world this little girl is an innocent angel, and the older girl is not very good at all. Which is not true, but something most likely the evil mother of theirs fooled everyone to believe. That back then, and this still today. So the kitty is lended to the big little girl and the first thing she does is to try and make the big bad wolf say hello to it. 

What happens next is that the older girl tries to stop her and hence saving the kitty from being killed by the wolf dog. She even tries to warn the parents, but noone listens and the kitty is still in the younger child's possession. The days go by and every day the little girl tries to put the kitty infront of the dog, who just want to kill the kitty and nothing else. Again and again the older girl explains that the dog only wants to kill the kitty, so this must end or the kitty will surely die. Finally the little girl manages to fool the older girl that she truly understands this now, but instead she runs over with the kitty to the dog and the kitty is killed. And ever since then everyone blames the older girl. Why? First their family does as they always do, blame everything the little girl does on the older girl, just cause she should had done something about it. Second others blame the older girl as she tried to stop the killing in the first place, so it's her fault as by doing that she made the little girl obsessed with disobeying her. This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario, as you can hear. I've so far hardly met anyone thinking this was a very cruel little girl, and that it was all her fault and I was a victim of a typical psychopathic child.

The only ones thinking this is others who've been in the same kind of horrible situations like this one. All others seem to think that I could had done something about it, so it was surely my fault. My question to all who blame me - as I was this older girl - what the hell you think I could had done? After a week of running around, trying to stop her from killing the kitty, I was so worn out my guard dropped and I believed her when she said she would wait for me on the other side of the house, from where the dog was tied up. I ran as fast as I could but when I came down she was already there, bent down and putting down the kitty infront of the dog. I don't know what I could had done as dragging her along with me all the time, every second, was almost impossible. Remember she was big as a nine to ten year old child, and I was not a big person even at the age of 16. I was normal height, but very thin and not strong atall. And if I touched her she used to cry and pretend I'd hurt her, if she didn't want to do something, so dragging her along was no choice. And we were going away for a couple of days, returning the kitty to it's owner, so I needed my bag of stuff with me. So I had to run up and get it as we were leaving very soon.

The accusation that this was still my fault is made in a way that it sounds okay for those making it, but it's hurtful and horrible to me, even if I do understand how they think. I doubt they themselves using this explaination for her behavior understand how cruel their little "understanding" of this animal abuse is. What I've been told is that the little girl killed this kitty just to spite me and make me hurt. So hence is it my fault for making her upset with me, wanting to punish me. By that it's my fault as there is this accusation in the air that I've done something to deserve to be punished this way. I don't know what it is I've done, except the first time I saved the kitty. So by saving the kitty the first time I'm guilty of hurting the animal abuser, so she now has the right to punish me by killing the kitty? This does truly not make any sense to me, and ever since I got this explaination the first time, I've been pondering about this logic. If I'd not saved the kitty the first time I'd failed the kitty the first time, had a calm week with a dead kitty on my conscience and then I was still to blame. How much better would that had been? This is like blaming a cop who's tried to stop a murder, cause the judge set the murder free again, so the murderer could finish the job.

I would love if someone said to me that it was the parents fault for using the kindness of our aunt and making her lend her beloved little kitty to this evil child. I knew she was not kind, but everyone else believed she was an angel. She was however very clever at putting the blame for all her ill deeds upon me, or someone else. Just like her mother, actually. Many years later I got a kitty of my own and this mother used my empathy to con me to lend her this kitty. She used her own mother's death to guilt trip me into lending her my beloved kitty, just like she'd made her sister-in-law lend hers many years ago. I made mother promise to not have my kitty outside when she was at work, and only when she was out watching him. All other times he was to stay indoors, as he was an indoor kitty. From day one mother had him outdoor all day long while she was at work. Mother had never intended to have him indoors and she knew fully well he was just a kitty and not used to be outdoors in traffic. She knew how many cars went by and how fast every day down on the road. She knew how much the kitty ment to me and how much I loved him. She knew I'd loved my granny so much and was living all alone myself. Still she took my kitty from me and she did not regret it.

The reason I know she didn't regret killing my kitty is cause she never said she made a mistake to have him out, but pointed it out that she'd had him outside all the time. She almost gloated when she said it and she totally made the driver, who ran over my darling, into a hero. She never blamed him either, as if driving that fast past a home, seeing a cat beside the road, was not something wrong atall. She made it out as he could not had done anything differently, as he had thought the cat would not move, but it did. She told a sob story about how sweet he'd been putting up his name and number on a note on her door. Almost so I'd pity him, instead of being angry on her for murdering my beloved baby. She was the one having him outside, when she was not allowed to, so she was to blame, but her sob story about the driver was just to take focus from her actions and put them on the driver's. That's what narcissists do. They always put the focus on something that is not important, to make their own actions not be seen. It's like magic tricks really. They can get away with murder by doing this and in my opinion mother did, when she on purpose killed my beloved kitty this way. That as she at the time made me feel guilty for even bringing up that she was not allowed to have him outside.

Lets talk about the gifts I'm showing you here. The very first one is my own creation using a few nice tubes. It's the one with the cat and the bunny in the same kind of colours, with masks in their cute faces. The next was made using a tutorial, but the frame was so lame I added another frame to it, also made from a tutorial. It's the one with the flowergirl and a red angora cat. The third I made the frame using a tutorial, but I choose another picture, as the kitties and the teddy were too cute. The forth I also made with the help of a tutorial, but changed the frame a little and used another picture then suggested. It kind of looks like a very angry birma cat. The fifth gifts is made from a tutorial, but I added a few cats to is, as there were none before. The sixth is the angelcat above, which I made using a vector-tutorial. I added the background and frame however of my own choice, and also a candle I made from another tutorial. Below you can see my seventh gift, with a frame I made using a tutorial, but I picked the easter bunny picture. As gift eight there is a christmas card I made from a tutorial, but added small photos of our own white angora cats, and the dog. I will mention the rest of the gifts later on as this is quite enough. Just a little break from the kitty killing storytelling.  

But truth be told, not only kitties died. I remember another very weird event, that occured when I was away on a fun trip with some friends. It was a rare thing I did anything like that and at that time I was over 20 years old, perhaps even 21 or 22, but when phoning home to see how things managed without me I found out that someone had let the dog out loose and she had damaged the bunny cage so much that she had gotten to the white bunny and killed it. I think there were more bunnies, but the other one or ones ran away. It's not clear to me anymore as we had those bunnies a very short time and it was my sister who had gotten them somehow. Father had built a very nice cage to them, but the net he used was far too weak for the dogs strong teeth. But the thing is that the dog was not even supposed to be loose and she was always chained as she was somewhat dangerous. She was of a breed with really alot of wolf blood and she could become really dangerous, without a proper leader around. Of all the family it was clear that the only two people trying to keep her under wraps was me and dad. The rest made so stupid things again and again so the dog killed kitties, bunnies, chickens and much more. In hindsight I find it extremly peculiar that the dog all of a sudden was loose, just as I was having fun with friends.

Actually it's high proparbility the bunnies got the same fate as the kitty, that the dog killed. Not only by being killed by the dog, but by being put in harms way on purpose, just to torment me for not being there and taking responsibility for everything. It's so weird the bunnies never were attacked when I was home, but as soon as I went away. The dog had a damn good chain, as she used to run away when she had a leather leach or any kind of rope. Even weak chains would not do, so she had a very good chain. The only explaination for how the dog got loose was that she just did. I remember it was mother who told me about the bunnies and gave me the explaination. Father didn't say much and perhaps he was annoyed he'd wasted so much time building the cage and then the dog was let loose and killed them shortly afterwards. I remember that I was only angry on dad for building such a lousy cage, or rather using such rubbish net for it. Now I realize that it was the person letting the dog loose I should had been mad at. But that person didn't come forward, of course. But I'm pretty sure who did that, as the modus operandi of this stunt was so close to the kitty event, when this person had purposefully given the kitty to the dog, totally against all advice and orders she'd gotten.

Now lets talk about present dogs instead of past pets. At this moment I'm about to buy a new dog. It's a small one of the breed called Papillion, which means butterfly in french. She's a few years old and has a white fur coat with red spots and tiny black hairs too. She's so friendly and sweet and loves to sleep in the bed with her humans, which is a problem for us as we have kind of issues with sleeping with too many in our bed. But we tried it out last night and it went well. Sometime we sleep with our little grandson in our bed and that normally goes well too, and since this little girl is really friendly to everyone, including children, she goes really well with our grandson too. She was my daughter-in-law's (to be) dog before, as she bought her a few months ago, but the little dog rather stays at home and cuddle in the sofa, before being outdoors with the horses, like the other dogs like. So she wanted to sell her and I really didn't want her to leave, so I said I wanted her. First my husband was a tad bit against it, but eventually he gave in and said it was okay with him. As I also still has my narcissistic mother's dog here with me, I will now have two dogs for awhile. That dog was left here three years ago, as mother said she'd be back for her in a week or two. 

After a few weeks it was clear that she never intended to come and pick the dog up. She'd even said that she was going to take care of my father, if I only looked after her dog for her. And so it went on for months, but I have no proof she ever actually did anything worthwhile for my father, but rather enjoyed herself and her freedom from the dog. Today that dog is quite old and has tumours in her womb, but since mother went back on her promise to keep the dog's insurance I will not pay another operation, if they too grow out from her, like some already did. I paid that time, but that was before I knew the insurance were canceled behind my back. Like I said, she'd promised me to keep the insurance, as dogs passed 6 years old are not able to make a new insurance on, and when I got the dog she was already 9 years old, and when I got the promise that mother would keep her insured she was already almost 10. Now the dog is 12 years old, has some issues with both her hearing and her eyes, and also still problems that she already had when she was left here with me. The dog had been well and fine four months earlier, but when I got her in April 2012 she was stiff and in pains in her joints. Later on I found out that mother had had her outdoors during the winter, for hours, and that cold and dampness caused this illness to old dogs.   

This dog, that mother dumped on me three years ago now, is a Shetland Sheepdog and she is quite pretty, though getting old and grey. Her fur is still golden, with white under the belly and some black hairs here and there. Over all she has about the same colour as my new dog, but paler and her fur is so much thicker and longer, which is very annoying as this old dog has the habit of getting shit in her fur and I have to cut it again and again. It's really thick and the house is full of her hair all the time. When she's shedding the fur there are so much hair and I have to comb her alot. That normally happens as the temp goes up and summer comes so I bet she'll loose it soon. That is when I bath the old dog too, as I try to avoid to get her wet when it's cold out, as her fur takes really long time to dry and she's so sensitive to coldness, due to her illness in her joints. The old dog is very kind and she's a gentle soul that's been through some sad patches, as her last owner dumped her like some useless garbage. It's really sad to see how abusive some people are towards their pets, but I'm not surprised as that woman is abusive to her children and relatives too. She's the tricky, covert type that pretends to be a sweet old lady, and who used to hide behind a church going facade, which was all a front.

Under the surface she's a very cruel and heartless being, who loves to torment her victims and abuse people with false allegations, demonizing totally innocent people, stalking people more or less. She's been stalking this blog too, I suspect, as she all of a sudden were following my Google+ account it belongs too. Which is really uncomfortable to know, as all she does is to try and find things to use against me, to prove to people that I'm insane and all sorts of weird and mean things. Why she does that is cause she's helping her other daughter to smear me as they had some house scam running and used me as a patsy to take the blame for what they were up to. I've written about that endlessly, but in short they've been telling everyone that my sister got a house from our father in 1992, and that he refused to sign any papers about it. All not true, as my sister in 2012, after dad had died, showed me a paper father had signed in 1996 about this house, telling that he wanted my sister to get the house after he died. It was to be included as part of her fair share, nothing more or less, and to market value. That is all I remember, as later on my sister said she never showed me the paper, and later on she even said that the paper was written in 1992, and other stories. She also said I stole the paper. So I both never read it, and then I stole it?

Mother was helping my sister in all of this and she was with my sister when they went through father's papers after his death. Mother had promised to testify that I was a liar and that the paper didn't say what I said it did. So hence I stopped talking to mother, as she had proven to be a backstabbing bitch. Since I know how convincing both my mother is and my sister is, I also have known there was no purpose in trying to contact any of my relatives about this issue. Now I also realize that those few occasions when I found out that mother has smeared me were only the tip of the huge iceberg, so no wonder no-one ever never believe anything I have to say in our family. It's even worse, as the hopelessness of seeing lies being believed, and not being able to speak the truth as there is no point in trying to do so, as no-one would believe the truth anyways, causes others outside of the family to not believe me either. At the same time those being believed, despite the horrible lies they tell, get more and more cocky due to their ability to fool others, so they will be believed by almost everyone they meet. That is psychology for you. 

If you take a child and put the child down, never believeing the child, never showing appreciation or trust in the child, the child will grew up feeling insecure and not sure about anything. The child will speak with words like "I think" or "perhaps" and get used to the fact that unless there is solid proof of something, no-one will listen to them or believe them. The child will learn that what they can't disprove of what others claim, is valid without the others having any proof atall. Just the fact that the child cannot find any proof against the claims is enough to make them valid. At the same time another child might be raised to always be right and good, lifted up like some specially gifted child. That child might learn that everyone believes any crap they make up, just cause they say so. This child will then demand to be believed just for their words and will not need any proof of anything they say. Others will look at the child with admiration and trust, just cause the child looks so selfconfident and sure about everything they say. "Well, isn't that a clever child" they will say and sigh and never check any facts. As an animal owner I would say that you could use this on animals as well. You can make or brake any child, be it from the human kind or the animal kind.

To me it's natural to try and lift up and sooth any living being, to make them calm and happy and to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately for all of us that are kind and caring human beings there are really cruel people out there, who even wants to hurt others. It's very natural to hate such nasty buggers, if they've harmed you or your pets and I will make that very clear to all "fluff" people out there, that hate is not a bad emotion, when you truly feel it towards an evil person who's done seriously bad things to others, just for the fun of harming. It's however a very bad feeling, when you are directing it towards a totally innocent being, just cause you need someone to project all your bad feelings towards. This is what I've had to live through in my life, where really nasty people have been lying about me to others, making them hate me due to made up shit that had nothing to do with me. Like my sister and mother both have been doing now. They have help from a few men too, but I don't really know all the gory details as I try to avoid any contact with them, and wont listen to any more projections and smear they put out. I've been nothing but kind to all of these people, so yes, I do hate them now as they are very hateful people. Hate is a passing feeling, and it's very healthy for a short while, but to feel better it's very important to avoid those people that are hurting you, causing you to feel hate. 

My best advice is to never talk to anyone that is in contact with your abusers. Once you've cut all the rotten flesh out of your social life, you can begin to build up knew relationships. Make sure that anyone that still wish to remain in  your life also cut these horrible people out of their lives, as if they keep their toxin in theirs, you will also get harmed again. At the end I like to mention the last gifts that I have put up here. I'll begin with the ninth gift, the girl kissing a bunny, which is totally made from a tutorial, just like the tenth is. The eleventh is a composition I made using the horse, which is from a vector-tutorial I made, and a few other tubes and then I designed a nice frame to it all. The last one below is a re-made tutorial, which I changed into a tagg. Hope you enjoyed the stories and the gifts as this was the last blog about my sites for this time. I do plan to write much more about narcissism, as that is my top favorite subject still and most likely will be as long as I am under the constant harassment of those buggers and can't get away from them. I do hope to soon be able to cut all ties and that people I do want in my life will also cut their ties with these liars and abusers. If they rather be with narcissists then with honest and true people, then it's their choice. 

Magnolia Lane

World of Friends

I've presented sixth of my green world sites so far and if you've paid attention they were about my home under the rainbows, and the concept of family and loving mothers, and then all my children. Each one of these sixth sites are linked up to one site each that belongs to my blue sky sites and this site about friendship is the last one that has such a link, as there are only seven blue sites. The reasons for that is for me to know and for you to not get to know, as I don't feel like mentioning it. So this is the last one with a link, and if you go and look it's linked to my site about ladies. I'm a lady of course, so when I'm looking for friends I tend to look for others, as you play best with likeminded people. I like kind and cheerful people, who both is close to their emotions and have hearts that lifts them up and will not let them fester in longtime anger and plot revenges. My policy is to leave behind those that don't live up to my standards, instead of trying to destroy them, like some sociopaths would. That's not my style. Once I've identified a bad friend I will ponder over what happened, and why it happened, but eventually I will leave all such worries in the past. For a short while I might be really obsessed over a betrayal, but that is the best way to mourn the loss of a loved one. To go straight through hell and come out from the purgatory as a wiser being. 

There are no shortcuts to understand the many different kinds of human like people there are out there, as some might not be quite human at all. Some are even quite nasty. So if you wish to visit this friendship site you should click here - World of Friends. This site began it's present configuration after I'd been part of a friendship group called Friends Near Your Heart, that a very charismatic and enthusiastic lady had started. Everyone seemed to adore her, so much that one woman, definitely not a lady, set me up so she'd start doubting me. The founder was totally positive and inspiring at the start and I was a bit overwhelmed over her instant best friends attitude. She tried to help me get friends to my own group and managed to get this member of hers to join my group too. I thought they both were just darlings, but now I know the other one only joined out of jealousy. She unsubscribed shortly after joining, and lied to my new friend that I'd banned her and been really nasty to her. All made up shit, as nothing had went on at all. I'd not written a word to her and her leaving was just as big surprise to me as to my new friend. But the trick worked and my new friend also left my group, dead upset over how cruel and nasty I'd treated her poor other friend. 

I will now tell you what the lovely, charming new friend I'd thought I was so blessed to have found was called. Her name was Celine. I will always be thankful for her trying to help me out and I do hope she's just as innocent as I was to the mess that other friend of hers manage to do. Celine seemed to totally trust that other friend, who I now realize was great at acting like the eternal victim. The more I've read up about narcissism, the more I can pin her down as a covert malignant narcissist. That's cause the coverts always use pity and loyalty to manipulate others and this cruel woman was obviously smithen by the charming and beautiful Celine. Well, everyone was, I'm sure. Celine let a nice brittish woman take over her group Friends Near Your Heart, but her health was very poor and I think the group was then transfered to another and it died. That broke my heart as it was such a beautiful thought she'd had when starting the group, but dear Celine seems more like an intense butterfly, then like the oak tree that patiently waits for hundreds of years, while growing to it's full strenght and beauty. However beautiful a butterfly is, it's shortlived and will swiftly burn out it's little spark of life and move on. So did Celine, both with groups on the net and in private.

There is not much to say really about this original group, as I've forgotten most of it, which wasn't anything spectacular. I don't like idle chatter or meaningless sharing and most groups tend to be that way and I just don't fit in them. I rather create a solid, stationary website with the theme I want to delve into, then waist my energy on chit chat. I still have six mailinglists, but I rarely use most of them. There are two lists for my Green World, one actually called that as it's made for updates on my green sites and also for things concerning my main group Magnolia Lane. The other list is for my PSP-class, my creative group, which first was intended for poems only, but then expanded to other creativity too. All the gifts I show here have been firstly created on this group and posted there. It's a very silent list still, and is mostly used to post graphics on, and nothing else. I prefer it that way and whenever I've in later years joined a group it's been very reluctantly and just for a specific issue, so not too much chatter. The other PSP-group I was on a couple of times however housed a few rude women and also the second time I was on it a narcissist manipulator. That's the reason I don't like these groups as they attracked very malignant people, who like to first befriend the leaders, then make them start witch burning campaigns.

Every group on the net have had it's own little click of insiders, and if you'd make the mistake you mattered to them, you'd made a huge mistake. The bigger the group, the less you mattered. Your only purpose was to do as you were told, make graphics, websites, or sign guestbooks. If you worked hard enough your reward would be a graphic or to stay on the group. Sometimes the graphics were lovely, but in most cases they weren't. So the point of working your butt off for others and get crap didn't appeal too much to me, when there was no chance of becoming part of the group of friends. This conclusion I came to in the early years of the new millennia, and shortly after that all these groups seem to go away by itself. The clicks of friends seemed to end in arguments and infightings. Even groups with names of angels, compassion, and other sweet sounding words did this. Just gone! The PSP-group I was part of two times actually was the remains of one such angel group that felt like they were compassionate, while they used their hirarchy to top rule the rest of us. Not very compassionate if you ask me, and the way I was treated in the PSP-group the two times I was in, was neither in any way compassionate.

That's why I realized that women like to use fancy words to hide behind, while they in reality just want to control others and feel important themselves. The more talented women they let be part of their inner circle to make all the beautiful work and lure in victims, like myself, who was looking for female friends online. There were a few of these creative ladies I really admired, but then there were a few that were just controlling and rude. You would had thought that the woman running their PSP-class was the best of them all, when coming to PSP and creative work, but the truth was that she sucked. She was however sure on herself and felt she could tell who's work was better then the others. Of course she was right in many occasions and at first she was so very nice to me I thought she was my friend. But everytime another member started badmouthing me, she was quick to believe the gossip. So that woman was not a lady either, despite what I'd hoped for, as you are not easily swayed to attack or put down your friends, if you are indeed a friend yourself. Not just by the twisted words by a deciever and word magician. I truly believe those nasty covert narcissists are that - magicians of words.

Let's talk about the gifts I've made for this site. On the top here I show you one of my own creations I made with the help of a few tubes the woman leading that other PSP-group had provided us. I put two of the tubes together and made a frame for the new image. It's the same story for the second gift, as I did the very same with that one, but added a cute flower tube she'd provided aswell. The third and the fourth gifts are both made using tutorials and I think I made them in my own PSP-group, after I've left the other group. Or rather I was tossed out after a covert narcissist had made out to the leader that I was upset with her, after she'd written to me and said that the leader was going to be very upset with me for putting the second sky colour suggested behind a vector graphics, instead of the first one. She herself had several times put backgrounds behind images were none were suggested atall, so her assumptions the leader would take particular offence with my error was both mean and unfair. Still, I did suggest that I'd re-do it as soon as I could, but instead she wrote a nasty mail about me to the leader, about how angry I was with her, so I was deleted from the group. Just a week earlier the leader had written to me that I was a top pupil, her favorite. So it's obvious why I had to go.

Ever since 2010 I've not belonged to any such women's groups anymore and I even posted on everyone of my sites that people should stop inviting me to them. Now my guestbooks do not work anymore, after Dreambook closed down, so I don't have to worry about getting such invitations anymore. Everyone is on Facebook or elsewhere today, and nobody visits private sites. I don't know were all the creative ladies went, but my guess is that either they are painting in real life or they are posting like everyone else on Facebook and such places. Perhaps this isn't anything people want to do anymore either, as those doing it ten years ago was either just doing a little on the side of their jobs, or they were quite old already. Many really good graphics creators I met back then was in the mid 60's, so they'd be like 75-80 now or even older. If they are still alive, as many were also severely ill and I know alot of very nice ladies that are not here with us anymore. That was the kind of people that had the time to play in groups, those that were disabled, but had help with their living so they could spend time playing with their computers. After 2008 that got worse as most with such pleasant lifestyles were found in the States.

During that time I ran accross many more sites and creative women, then only those in the women's groups. I found quite an number of younger women here in my own country and nearby, but then I noticed also those went away. I miss their work so much, but I understand that they had to grow up and stop playing with graphics. They were so very talented and they used to share all their great work for free on the net. Perhaps new talents took over or that kind of work went out of fashion and new kinds took over. I think if I'd looked I'd found a flood of new talents, but somehow you seem to love the first ones you fall in love with, forever. I've posted alot of others work that I really liked on all my sites, and a few friendships awards I've recieved too. All those friends are gone missing now and I never recieve anything more from them. I think alot of people with websites here in my country used to be friends and I only got to know a few of them a little bit. It seemed like most of them really didn't accept me, while a few were really kind a cheerful until one day I didn't hear from them again. There was really not an honest communication ever, like writing back and forth, with almost all of them, and it's easy for me to count those that did write anything personal to and fro.

So this site is not really that much about internet friends as it was from the start, so I changed it to include extended family more, and I put up my celebration pages for relatives on it. For many years I made lots of birthday sites to many relatives and they were all here before, but then I took a few away after I realized that a few of these people are not my friends despite that they logically ought to be, as I've always been a good friend to them. But this planet is filled with lies, deception and backstabbing people who hate you for the most weird and illogical reasons. Or atleast I don't have a clue. One clue I however have picked up in my life is smear. Like I mentioned above there are malignant, nasty, envious people in our mist, alot of them other women, who use smear to put those they envy down. The reason there is no point in trying to reveal these monsters is cause as soon as they've been caught smearing you, everyone has heard their side of the story already. Nobody wants yours. If you'd try to reveal the truth everyone will look upon your revelations as proof of all the lies your smearer has been telling about you. That's how evil and devious female bullies are, you see. They tell their tales so they are the poor victims of you, so when you try to show the world how nasty they are you come out as the bully they claim you are!

Most of my life I've had one or two really close friends and today I must say that the closest friends I have are my husband and my oldest brother. Another one that is very close to me is my oldest daughter, as she was the one child that I could talk to and apart from a period in her later teens when she didn't feel like I was much to talk to, we've always talked. However, we can tend to get a bit intense as we are also very emotional both of us. But she's the female I now talk to about matters the most, even if I don't talk that much with her anymore. Her younger sister has never liked to talk about "boring" subjects so there is not much meaning in pursuing that road, even if we love each other dearly. Another child I can talk to is my oldest son, so all in all it seems like I have two children that I can be somewhat friendly to, or talking to, which is why you have friends. I think that is pretty amazing and I do hope that once my younger two are fully grown they too one day can talk to me more. Friends do not have to be people outside of your family, as sometimes the best friends are people you are related to. I used to be friends with relatives in my family of origin too, as I mentioned, but now there is only one left that I am a friend with as the rest turned out to not be my friends at all. 

It's like this with friendships that are ended, that outsiders never understand why you brake up. They tend to think you were overreacting and that nothing is that bad. I tell you that if I brake up a friendship with someone they've done pretty horrible things for quite along period of time. I'm the kind that rather swallow the shit then make a big row about it. And then I try to forget and move on. That's how I've been with my family of origin for 50 years, until they just had to go over the top and totally fuck with me in the most horrible and cruel manor they could come up with. I will not go into all the shit they did here, but I tell you that if I was supposed to eat that shit too and not stand up for what I knew was right I would not have any self dignity left. I'd feel like a shithead, a lying, pathetic cow, for the rest of my life, if I'd not stood up for what was right and true at that moment. I've watched them rob me and my children out of so much money for so long, but this was not right. I could not let them do this again, with so much money, when I knew and they knew that I've hardly gotten anything all these years, compaired to them. And now I knew they wanted to oppose our fathers last will, just to screw me and my children over one last time.

That's the reason they are now spreading their own smear about me to all our extended family and friends. What I've heard their tale is that I'm jealous cause father gave them houses and I want to steal those houses from them. And then they add alot of sob stories to that tale about how I'm having a hate campaign about them, particulary one about the sister who showed me the proof that her house was never a gift from father to her at all. She must had showed it to me to create all this conflict, while she at the same time had been telling everyone that she was so affraid I was going to fight her over the house. I'm sure she's been telling people that I've been jealous about that house, while in truth I believed her and never thought about it. Until she showed me the proof, after father died, that she'd lied to me all these years. First I thought she might not had lied all the time, only in the beginning, as the paper was made four years after she'd begun spinning her story about her getting the house from father. So at first I thought she must surely had stopped saying that after the paper was made in 1996, and that it was only our mother who'd been telling that story after that time. That was what I thought in 2012, when I read the paper, and what I thought until my sister lied the year after.

That's when I knew she was never my friend and I deleted everything about my sister on this page. Up till that day, when she lied about her showing the paper, denying it, I'd believed she deep down was my friend for life. That was one of the most cruelest waking ups I've ever had, and it took quite awhile to get the feeling of sick to go away, the nauseating sick feeling that is. It's like the wife who's believed her husband was faithful all those years and then suddenly finds out he's had a mistress for years. It's a shock to realize that someone you choose to trust is really not a person worth that trust. I would say that of all betrayals I've encountered in my whole life this one by my sister takes the top score. Nobody else in my life has done something so horrible to someone they owe so much to, and ought to care so much for what that person thinks of them. It just does not make any sense to me that you'd do that, until I read up on personality disorders and there was the only answer. A normal person, without any drug problems, would cherrish the love of their closest kin too much to do such a thing, but a person without a conscience, no remorse, no lasting sentimental feelings for neither mothers or other caregivers, she would not care who she toss under the bus.

The purple gift with the grapes and the wine glass is from my last birthday page for my sister. When I see that gift it makes me really sad, as it reminds me of how selfish and void my sister truly must be. While I made her a big birthday basket on her 30th birthday, driving around with my four little ones to find everything to put in that basket for her, she bought a cheap rubbish stick in the ugliest vase ever for my 40th. Of course she pitched in with half the cost for a massage, but gave herself also one. A whole one. The webpage I made for her while my grandson and daughter was in hospital fighting for his little life, as I could not go to my sisters birthday party. Even if there hadn't been the issue with my sick and prematured grandchild I had no money. None at all. She didn't seem to understand this and I still don't think she does. So I made her this pretty site instead and wasted time to make it specially for her. When I barely survived to 50, as I'd had a longterm bloodillness that's been too long undetected, she gave me a postcard with a champagne bottle and an empty promise she'd pay a day at the spa with her, if I only came to see her. That sounded very nice, only that both my daughter and mother had told her I didn't want to go to the spa. I even told mother to tell her "over my dead body I did that again".

Still, I didn't broke off cause she obviously is totally insensitive, does not care for what I want, and only want to give me what she likes to do. No, I've seen that my whole life with her that she only cares for her own ideas and therefore ruins things for others. She's not a good friend to anyone, if that is how she treats people, as people want gifts that they've wished for, not something the giver wants. In this respect she's much like her real mother, as that is something she'd do. I am the kind that tries to figure out who a person is, before I buy them a gift. It's not always easy, but I do try. To buy people things you yourself like, and refuse to look who the other is, that is not friendly at all. It's a sign of disrespect. It's even rude. How rude people get away with this behavior and still make you stay as a friend, is cause they make you feel stupid for liking stupid things. They straight out bully you, devalue you and that's the way they keep friends. I don't know if she has friends she's nice to, but only that I was not treated in a nice enough way, and I don't believe I had too high demands. I'd say that careless treatment of your friends is the major reason they decide to stop socializing with the rude person. But rude people most likely don't care when friends they treat badly leave them, as otherwise they'd not treated them so poorly.

What I'm trying to say is that if you notice your friend is starting to treat you worse then before, avoiding you, putting you down, making snidy remarks to you, joke about you with others in hurtful ways or doing anything else that do not feel okey for you, then you should take it as a sign that your friend is not a friend at all. It might be a very cruel way of ending your friendship made by a person who only uses people as friends and then ditch them. However, it happens that a friend starts to behave irritated towards you cause you've hurt them yourself. Many people think they have a right to put down others and treat them like they were stupid just for having opposing opinions on something. That will make the one who actually know much more about a subject very annoyed, particulary when being ridiculed by someone who is brainwashed by media to think a certain way. It's hard to know that you know alot and not being able to communicate all you know in words in a few short lines to a person who's dead set at ridiculing you. If you've treated a friend that way you might not be surprised if they don't like you anymore, so if that is the case you might count on them seemingly withdrawing from you and treating you worse and worse. It's a question with the hen and the egg, who came first.

The first time I got seriously annoyed with my sister was at Christmas 2006. Up until then I've not really lingered onto anything she'd said or done, no matter how annoying it had been. I think she just managed to backstab me too many times starting from that Christmas. It was that event that made me decide to not come and visit her again, as what happened on that visit was so devestating for me that it made me very ill for a couple of weeks afterwards. I never have forgiven her for what she said and how she behaved that Christmas. She more or less tossed me to the dogs. She used me to take all the shit so she could get away without having to take any. It was cowardly and it was something I'd never in a millions years would had done to her, as I've always been on her side and always supported her and had her back covered. But she could clearly see how ill I was, and I had became this ill starting from helping her move three years earlier. Another one bullying me that Christmas was mother, and she knew all about how ill I'd been. But of some reason I didn't expect anything else then nasty betrayal from that bitch, but from my sister I expected far more so that was the event that made me see who she was like and it wasn't me.

Let's talk about the other gifts, as I did mention the purple grapes, which is a creation I made using the paintings of a great artist. The lady with the hat is made from a tutorial and so is the old times graphic with the little children. The pink picture with the 20's girl and the vase with the flowers are also made with tutorials. The victorian lady looking towards the ship is made with a tutorial, although I added a frame and the one below here I played with several tutorials and added them into a whole picture and added a few girls from tubes to the room. Of all the items in that picture I've made the candle in the foreground, the clay pot to the left of the stove, and I've made the stove and the green vases and the whole candlestick between the vases. Then I tried to make it look like a brick wall and a wooden floor and framed the whole thing. At the bottom of this post there is also a tag, which I made using a selection tutorial. That was all the gifts that I've choosen to show here, but there are many more graphics on the site. One thing I have on the site is pages with graphics and poems one can choose to send to a friend. So called friendships cards. 

A friend is someone who listens to you, but also someone who cares what you say. I have a little book about friendship I've had since I was a small child, and I used to read it alot also to my own children. What a true friend is. A true friend is actually more someone who cares about you alot, then someone who only listens to you. Someone who only listens might not like you, and might even use all you say to harm you with it, as by listening they learn all your likes and dislikes, but also about everything that you've been hurt by before. So a true friend is someone who cares to avoid hurting you, and particulary knows how to avoid repeating any old trauma you've already been thrue. A friend is someone who's there for you when you need someone, and that is true. When I've needed a friend I've noticed some people are never there. People I truly thought would be the first to be there, wasn't at all. A friend is someone who looks after you when you are ill, and help you when you are too overwhelmed. Again, I've had to realize that this is not the case, that the people I thought would be there, they were not. So friends have been occasional others in those matters, and in most cases there has only been my husband.

Already when I was very young I was used to not have that many friends, and despite having a few periods I did seemingly have many they were never that close and eventually I kind of realized that I'm more of a loner then a person with friends. I like to have friends, but it becomes too painful to go through one betrayal after another so atlast I deceided to stop trying so hard to have friends. If a friend would come it was ment to be, otherwise I will just hang out with people I meet and be friendly to them. I truly believe you can be a friend for a day, and make a difference. If you try to cling on to people and have expectations you are bound to be disappointed. In some way or another they will betray you, atleast by believing lies and fictions some malignant toxic person made up. It never fails and that is my greatest fear with having friends, as that is so hurtful whenever it happens, that someone you thought knew you believe utter crap about you. Today there are ex-friends out there who became my ex-friends cause they believed such foul lies about me. To imagine that a person who might have known me for decades, almost a lifetime, can put trust in the most horried smear about me, and still be considered to ever have cared for me or been my friend is ridiculous. Of course such a person was never my friend.

So the conclusion with friends is that it's better to have a few you can trust, and who truly trusts you and wont believe crap about you, then to have many that only use your friendship and help, but don't care for you and don't believe in you really. Fake friends is worse then straight out open enemies, as you will trust them and tell them things they can use against you, so they are the worst. The only way to know who's a real friend and who's a fake friend is to put them through the process of listening to smears and lies about you. A true friend would listen to your side of the story before judging you, while a fake friend would not care for a word you had to say in your defence. You are judged by the slander they've heard and might in many cases help out to slander you more just to gain popularity with the one slandering you. A true friend would listen to reason, look at facts and would not let themselves be smithen by sweet words and popularity. Actually some of the most canneving people are very nice, sweet and seemingly caring. It's cause you catch more flies with honey and alot of bullshit then you do with being straight and honest. People like to be charmed and that's why friends are hard to come by. Also most people already have friends, so the ones still searching might be those butterflies, that never can settle down. The oak trees have already choosen long time ago.

Magnolia Lane

World of Vendela

This is my sixth page of my so called "green sites", though that has nothing to do with the site colour. This site is pink and not green. It's cause the green sites have to do with my everyday life, here in my Green World. My country is very green, or it has been so far, but if the tree death continues it will be less green. As you by now must have figured out the site is about my daughter Vendela, who's my baby girl I had late, when I already had turned 38 years old. I hope that will not make her too spoiled, but I think it's too late to worry about that, as of course everyone been cuddling with her from day one. If you want to go and see the site, just click here for the link - World of Vendela. I started this page when she was just a little girl, so there is alot of small girl stuff there. Also the name is more like for a little girl, then a teenager. I don't want to change the name however, as there are so much graphics to change if that would be done successfully. Vendela did play in a real playhouse when she was smaller, but it's gone many years now since she last did that. It seems like that house is mouldy and not too healthy anymore. Which is sad as I'd liked my grandchildren to play in there too one day.

The things Vendela like most to do these days seem to be watching videos on the internet. She says she watches YouTube alot and I guess she also does other things. It's gone a very long time since I saw her play with her The Sims4, which she so badly wanted when it came out. I can't even remember that I ever saw her play it and I was so curious on that game and wish I could play it myself. I have The Sims2 on my computer, but it seems like it does not work too well. Either my computer has too new operating system, or the old valleys are corrupted due to all the cheats I've used. Both me and Vendela used to create all sorts of weird beings, using cheats. I kind of miss those times when we played the same games and made stories together. I'm a bit childish, I know, but I like to play with those sims figures and I wish the games were even more realistic and one could do more things by free choice. I hate games that try to force you in one direction, as I wish totally free will games. I want to be the one who decides what my character likes and what they want with their life. Why play otherwise?

Like all my children I feel that Vendela is more like her father then me. Both in her interests and the way she thinks. It's kind of surprising that none of my children are like me, even if there are some looks that are kind of similar, but even that is very vague. It's like I only gave birth to them and hardly had nothing to do with their DNA. Either that or I am just blind, as some say my oldest daughter is like me. I think she's almost the child most like her dad! This daughter always said that Vendela is most like me, but I fail to see that too. I like to talk about feelings and thoughts I have, but she rather talk about other things, jokes and funny things they're doing or watching. It's very unlike me who are dwelling on stuff, and over analyzing everything. She finds that totally boring, so no use to try to talk to her as she'll tell me to shut up. I would never tell anyone to shut up when talking about deep things, but get more interested, or atleast be too polite to say anything. She's not specially "polite" that way. Her siblings are all more polite, I'd say, even if her oldest brother is known to speak his mind, no matter what. But Zak does like to talk about weird matters that interests me too, and in that way he's the one most like me. 

I would say that it's impossible to say that anyone is like me and to be honest they are not as persons particulary like their father either. Perhaps on the surface somewhat, but not as their true persons. All children are very uniqely themselves, and thank god for that. Vendela knows what she wants and she's not affraid to show it. She will however rarely tell you much, or just one time and then very silently. But she will not tell it again or in a loud voice so you truly understand. She will instead refuse to budge. She will not move and she will sulk till you "get" what's the matter. This has caused us great stress and irritation, as it takes so much time and energy to figure out all these "secrets". Then you feel deeply guilt tripped too, as you always are told that you "didn't listen", or something similar. And you go back and you don't remember her saying anything but perhaps something you could not hear, and asked her about a few times, but she refused to repeat. I don't know why she's behaving this way, but that it's part of her personality and will most likely never go away, but perhaps get a little less difficult as she matures. I think she's very sensitive and the slightest feeling of not being "heard" upsets her. She craves lots of hugs and kisses, but it's hard to feel that cuddly when she's missing the school bus for the zillions time over some unheard whisper.

I don't want to sound like I'm angry with her, as I'm not, but sometime it happens that it feels a little too much for us, as parents. We have no idea why she does this and we've never had this kind of problem with any of our other children. Sure, the oldest son had problems getting in time to school too, but it was cause of his obsessions over his hair he had when in Vendelas age. It was nothing that lasted forever and it was not constant. He normally got up and dressed and so did all our other children. Best behaved was the oldest daughter, who went up in time, dressed and made herself ready from she was quite small. I think I've not had much trouble with getting her to school from she was 6-7 years old. She was the oldest child and had to behave, or that's what she believes was the reason for this. When she was 6 years old she had one little brother who was 3 years and one who was just a baby. There might be some truth in that, as she was a very good girl, though very creative and clever at making hell of a mess in the house. She was the worst in that department, the oldest one. They all have special talents, my children, as you can hear. Both good and bad once, though it's in the eyes of the beholder to judge it bad or good.

To be honest I feel it's a very good quality to be strong minded and not let yourself be pushed around, so I have a very double feeling about all this trying to force your children to go to school when they don't feel like going to school. If there was something wrong with the other children, with some teacher or what have you, but when it's the child who does not feel well and perky and wish to stay at home and do what interests them instead, it feels rather ruthless and intrucive to try and force it. To me we live in a civilization of bullies where kind people are pushed around, and your ability to stand up for yourself is slowly erroded away. I feel truly like a mean person when I force my children to go to schools that are not healthy for them, and I know they are not. I didn't want my pregnant daughter got to her school, as soon as I found out about the pregnancy, since I knew developing fetuses are extra sensitive to wireless radiation and schools are just filled with that shit. But my daughter didn't want to miss any more school then necessary, so she went as often as she could. After awhile we found out something in the developing baby went wrong, and had to go to a specialist already when he was in her belly. 

And when he was born we found out yet two other weird mutations. As mutations is what happens due to radiation it's not impossible that had part in it. All three mutations had also happened in the same fase of development. They even told my daughter it was the same week they'd happened. There were two pregnant women on that school at that time - one pupil and one teacher - and both had premature births, which otherwise is not too common. One like to think that it had nothing to do with the school, but it's hard to ignore it with all the science, so there is a good reason that I'm reluctant to force her little sister to schools who don't care for the childrens health, just to save a buck. At least they've begun to give them somewhat eatable food, which they didn't when her brothers went there. Her closest brother had been normal in weight when he started on that school, but soon he lost so much he got us really worried. He was sickly hungry all the time, and we gave him money to buy something to eat and I sent on sandwiches for him. But then we realized that he neither went well with bread nore milk, so it was hard to find anything for him to eat when there was no real food served at the school. 

As his sister is really particular with food we were afraid when she was to start this school, but she seems to have coped the first year on bread mostly, as she refused to eat the food. She didn't do that since she disliked it, but cause her friend from the past school refused to go to the cantina, so cause of that our daughter felt she had to adopt to her friends wishes. She's a very nice girl, Vendela, but then this friend got mad at her for refusing to go on a school trip to Germany and stopped being friends with our daughter. Shortly before that our daughter had also gone against her and actually eaten the food at school, so I guess she finally stood up for herself. Since then she seems a little more healthy and I hope her problems with going to school will vanish as she has one whole year left after summer. At the moment I guess everyone has low levels of Vitamine D, so I'm not surpised also Vendela is feeling low, but spring is coming and the sun. Pity is one method some people try to gain power over others and I've been worried for many of my children as they are prone to empathy for others. Which is fine when you recieve empathy back, but in many cases people are only expecting and never giving.

Now have I lingered on about my little baby girl, who is no baby anymore, but it's time to talk about the gifts I've given her. At the top is a pink graphic I made from a tutorial, using a tube of my choice, and I fell for the girl with the basket. I also choose to do it in pink, while her sister got the original, which was blue. Below that is another one I used a nice picture and a tutorial, but used another effect so the frame got softer. I also changed the colour to this very pale pink, as the original had strong colours. The cute squirrels I put into the same tutorial I've made for all my other children, but to Vendela I choose a pink colour. The forth gift in a sharp pink colour I used a tutorial for, but changed the frame just slightly. The picture was one made of the same artist as was suggested. Just above here is a vector-graphic also made from a tutorial, and then I added a frame I already had to it. Below is a tutorial too, with a lady in pink and turquoise. It's made with selections and not vectors. I think I will stop there as there are so many gifts it gets quite boring hearing about all of them at the same time. Or ever. Anyways, you might see that I often choose pink in Vendelas graphics and as you will see I also love turquoise.

Vendela has blue eyes, just like her oldest brother Zak, while her closest brother Jer has dark brown eyes, and her sister Magda has green eyes. So all children has somewhat different eye colours, and the blue eyed children have not exactly the same kind of blue. I think Vendela has more pale blue and Zak a little darker, but I can be mistaken. He's moved away from home for more then a year ago, and moved again late last year, but will move again next month. Vendelas oldest sister moved away from home more then two years ago, and last summer she moved again. They are looking for a new home, as it's kind of small what they have, so hopefully they all will end up closer as it takes more then 30 minutes to drive to either one of them now. Still at home now are Vendela and her brother Jer, and we don't know for how much longer he's still here as he will finish school this summer. Perhaps he starts university close by and stay a little longer, perhaps he moves and we are left with one teenager. I do hope he will stay longer, as his sister and him gets along so very well and never ever fights. Not like they did when they were much younger and had problems understanding each other. I think they've worked beautifully to learn to respect each other and be good friends.

My next site I will talk about will be about friendship as that is a very important issue for me. But another important issue is siblings and for my world I cannot understand my own and how cruel and heartless they've acted to me my whole life. At this point I only wish to keep my relationship with my oldest brother as he's the only one with decency enough to make an apology for all he remembers he did, but also for things he might have forgotten that was hurtful to me. I've told him that I'm sorry for anything I've made to him that might had felt hurtful. You see, you don't need to remember everything, but you need to ask for forgiveness. Believing you don't need to do that, when in fact you have hurt someone and you risk to loose a sibling cause of your haughtiness is not really worth it. However, evil siblings will try make you ask for forgiveness for things they've done. That's how my other two siblings are, that they think they are clever when they spread out shit about me, making out that I've done what they've done, and try to guilt trip me to ask them for forgiveness. On several occasions I've even read the most stuck up human being I've met accuse me and my humble brother, who did apologize to me, for not showing any humility. That is so irritating anything can be, which is the reason she behaves that way - to irritate. We ignore.

It's very hard to brake free from a cult family, where heavy brainwashing been going on, but I feel I'm well on my way. Many times I've been dead afraid my only family of origin I have left will go back to them, as he does pick up the phone when mother phones and he does read mails from the siblings. I would never do either purposely, while I've by mistake liftet the phone a few times, but that gave me the opportunity to tell her what she'd already been told by my brother. But she refused to accept it when he told her in 2013, and she refused to accept it 1½ years later. What I know have happened didn't, according to her, and my feelings due to all of that does not matter. No, they don't exist in reality and are only proof of my mental illness, as disagreeing with hers lies are insane. Not according to her own brother, who wrote in the 80's that his sister was insane and that an aunt called her acting like she was posessed when their mother was ill. I know what he talks about and he was right. She was calling both her brothers psychopaths to all who cared to listen, just like she now is defaming me. She was totally obsessed with the inherence after their parents, just like she is now, only now she's doing everything to rip me and my children off, and her oldest son and his children.

She's doing that as she wish to help her extension - her youngest daughter. That woman is so like her mother it's scary. They've both had the same surgery on their noses as both had too tight channels to breath, and watching sister before her operation you can clearly see how like they are. She also made plastic surgery when under the knife so hence it's harder to see the likeness. But they are very like. The other difference is that sister has those big teeth some others in mothers family have, but mother does not. I had the same nose as dad, but I had to make an operation as that nose actually gave me migrains. It had a bump and that created a shadow and flickering lights cause migrains. I've inherented migrain from my mothers mothers side, and my ugly thin lips from mother, but the teeth are like dad's and so are most of the rest. I'm scarily alike my father, which he didn't realized until 2010, two years before he died. Up till that he thought I was just as worthless as his ex since 1991 made out behind my back that I was, while she pretended to be my friend. I now know that the only possibility information cae to my siblings, things I'd said in confidance to mother, is that she spelled the beans and exaggerated to make me look bad.

I should not be surprised if she said the most horrible things behind my back as I remember her totally lying to her own mother about me back in the 80's. It was so shocking that I could not believe she'd done it, but evidence clearly shows that my granny, mothers mother, totally thought I was behaving at home in a way that was totally the opposite to the truth. All my help and good deeds ever since my baby sister was born in 1971, when I was almost 9, mother took away from me like they've never happened. Granny believed mother was a perfect saint and I was a horried user! When I told dad's oldest sister about this revelation I had had when 22, she clearly did not believe me. I could hear it in her voice and see on her body language, that she thought I was exactly how granny believed. I got so mad that mother must have been backstabbing me to my whole extended family. What horrible mother does that to her innocent, kind and helpful daughter? Now I have studied and now I know. It's not all too uncommon actually and that is the sad thing about it. That so many like myself have been suffering from bad reputation due to putdowns and untruthful twists of reality, to make some in the family look better. It's called to be "scapegoated" and results in extremely low selfesteem and a stream of unfullfilled dreams in the backwater.

Every family have someone who likes to get into trouble more then the others, and in a normal family that person is the one named as the troublemaker. But in a sick and twisted family it's not the one behaving appalling that is named as the meanance. A totally innocent bystander are. I don't have many exact examples anymore as like most scapegoats I suffer from memory loss when it comes to my childhood. I've talked to the firstborn scapegoat and he has the same problem with memory, only that we together could help each other remember a little more. In short I know for sure that our brother could do whatever he liked and if it was bad enough his older brother, mostly, got to get the total blame for all of it. However, it was an easy pick as the oldest one was quite wild and full of ideas what to do to see what would happen. He didn't seem to understand the consequenses of his actions, so he did lots of things that was not so good to do. And he got alot of spanking for it. In my opinion this behavior only gets worse if there is not logic in the punishment you lash out at the child. If the child sees that another child can get away with really naughty stuff just by framing his brother, I guess the child does not learn a thing more then that this world is a very unfair place.

This was always a dilemma for me raising my four children, as I didn't want to blame someone innocent for another childs mischief. I think it's better to not punish then to punish the innocent, and to tell them to try and be nice to each other. In my family it was the oldest boy who did naughty things out of thoughtlessness and he tried to frame his sister for it. However she did not get spanked but she was often very upset due to this, so it happened that she was told that she was the oldest and to finish the fight she should be the one who stopped arguing, as her brother would not obiously admit to anything. How could I know who was truthful and who was making up things, as in many cases children both believe their version to be the right one? This is not what I'm talking about here, but this is what the liars in my family like others to believe is the case. In my family there were people who straight out lied to frame the innocent for what they've done themselves. It started out with our parents always blaming the older boy for what the younger had done. It was always the oldest fault, no matter what. Like I said, he was wild in a certain age and easy to frame, but he got calmer when he got older and in many ways his younger brother was even wilder after that.

If you punish a child for being wild and reckless you will teach them to calm down and think before they take to actions. That happened alot with my oldest brother who began to be much more careful, and not just do whatever popped up in his head. However, his brother kept doing whatever he fancied for as long as I've known him. And like I said, he was never punished for any mischief he did, ever. At the most the parents laughed at his bravery and recklessness, like it was something admirable. They used to liken him to fathers father who did all sorts of crazy things without thinking them through properly. So one boy was likened to the hero-like grandfather when behaving irresponsible, and the other was not at all. And that taught them different values for the same actions, that some are good and fun doing crazy stuff, and others are just illbehaved. This is how you create a scapegoat, as the one getting the negative judgement will become obsessed with doing right, and no matter how hard he tries it will never be good enough. And try such a person will. They will try until they've made one after the other sucesses, but no matter what they succeed with it will never be admired or acknowledged by the scapegoating parents. Eventually all the rejection will tear down the hopes of ever be good enough and many are the adult scapegoated children that have hit a brick wall.

At the same time as the scapegoated child can never become good enough, there is almost nothing the choosen child can do wrong. So while the scapegoat work hard and get very good jobs, a nice wife and wonderful children, the choosen one - the Golden Child - can go from one relationship to another, have all sorts of weird jobs and hardly get anywhere in life. Some might do really good however, as they got such a boosted up selfconfidence that it helps them get ahead without much effort. It all depends on their personalities and also golden children are not totally like each other. There are similarities, like the selfentitlement, the grandious belief in their rights beyond their scapegoated brother or sister, but otherwise a golden child can be both very intellectual and stupid like an eggplant. That's why my two golden children are very unlike each other. One went for an academical careere, and the other skipped all education and just made shit up and went from there and charmed people to get ahead. In my opinion the first golden child was made this way cause of mother and also the enabler, our father. He could had been a nice person, but all the spoiling and boosting of his ego made him loose it. He's also very fragile and can crack any moment, and then it's not pleasant to be around him as he's like a vulcano erupting. 

All this is very odd to his two closest siblings as we used to erupt when we were children, due to his mind fuck, when he turned reality upsidedown. But now he's acting out of control, ranting, misbehaving and being extremely rude to people, and that if reality does not fit his world view. This is typical for aging narcissists, I've been told, that they begin to loose it, and after what I've gathered people born with an inclination for narcissism can get so much worse if they are not properly raised, in equality and fairness. So therefore I blame our parents for ruining our dear brother, as both me and my oldest brother actually did love him alot, but there is not much to love anymore as horrible as he's become. And while a narcissist gets worse by age, us two non-narcissists have learnt the uselessness in arguing with narcissism. We've learned that it's better to walk away then try to reason with them, or try to make such a person see anything your way. A narcissist does not care if you are hurting, he does not care if he's wrong about you, or that he's been helping out to destroy someone who loved him with all her heart. Narcissists only care to protect their EGO of righteousness, and we as brother and sister to such a being must realize that and emotionally detach from him and the kind of abuse he's lashing out at us.

Of course I do know that he knows that he's been unfair and that I was telling the truth all this time and that his oldest brother told the truth. That's why he's extra dangerous, as he knows he's been wrong. He fell for the sociopathic lies, which are built up and created during years of deception. The lies that our two remaining women in our FOO have been spinning. It's not for me to say if mother was totally in on it from the start, or if she just adjusted her reality view as she took cues from the master liar in our family. As I've said it does not really matter anymore, as anyone doing that, changing past history of what they've said before, to fit new versions of reality, are acting deliberately false and are also a liar. So mother is a liar, and did I not know it already! She lied about me to granny and whatever bad things she said about me she most likely spread to others. No wonder the whole extended family of old women believe that I'm exactly like her and that my sister is like our father. That is the lies mother has spun, where she made her own mother believe I was lazy, like mother was, and that she cooked and cleaned and did things I did. I helped out so much father didn't want me to leave and refused to let me pay my way at home, as he thought I paid with work. But in mothers story to granny I refused to pay and do any work. How evil isn't that?

When I think back about the shock and horror I felt when I realized at age 22, that mother had lied about me to my dear granny and made her believe I was a real monster, then I also must realize that this lie she spun to others too. I must understand that this was the reason fathers sisters thought my sister was a saint, and I was a very bad person. It's almost impossible to understand that they could believe such foul things about that shy and introverted poor young girl, but they did. I was so shy and akward and I did not have a clue how to talk to people. I never spoke unless spoken to and then I spoke with my heart in my throat, scared to death I'd say something that would upset someone. And being looked upon like a bad person did not help at all. Now I also know that someone has framed me for the chickens that the family dog killed thanks to our golden brother. It was actually his dog, but a few months before he let the dog loose to kill those chickens he'd got bored with the dog, and since I already took more care of her then he did he proclaimed that the dog now was mine. Somehow this action by my brother was then framed onto me and also his unwillingness to pay for the damages was framed onto me. I found out about this 35 years later!

When people use you as a scapegoat they rather not get to know you, and they avoid speaking to you or listen to you. None of my relatives ever took their time to get to know me and if I dared to speak out about anything I was swiftly shut down with a snidy remark, making sure that I knew I was the dirty bastard for daring to go against some holy golden child. My father was his families golden child, what I've figured out, so I guess that was the reason I could not speak about his mistreatment of me either. I truly loved my father but he pushed me away long before I became a teenager, and I will never forget his eyes of disgust when I was in my pre-teen years. It totally devestated me that I've grown into such an ugly monster my father could not stand to look upon. I love beauty and so I will now talk about my gifts instead. The gemini-gift I made using a tutorial and just adding the graphic of the sign in the middle. The tea pot and cups I made up myself using vectors and the pink girl and the victorian gifts are both tutorials. The bunny above is a vector-tutorial I put into a graphic I made and the angel below is a tutorial. When people behave ugly towards me I always tried to make the world more pretty making beautiful things instead. And animals been the best friends I've ever had as they like me for who I am, and not for what others say I am. That's what I wish for Vendela, to be liked for who she is, as she's a beautiful and strong soul, with compassion and love in her heart.

Magnolia Lane