I've been spending quite a time to update my website and deleting ugly gifts, or just small and old gifts. I put up those I deleted on my google+ account Magnolia Lane, for all to enjoy. It was a nice feeling to be able to do some work on the site and on graphics as too much time has been spent on dealing with the horrible behavior from my family this last year, that totally revealed once and for all that they have no compassion, no remorse and are not worth to spend more grief over. It's not as easy as it sounds to go "no contact" and then all is fine and dandy, so it's taken alot of soul searching and investigating into the matter of pathological families to wrap my head around this issue. But when doing all that I missed out on working with what I really wanted to do. And that is another matter that I've had issues with them my whole life. They always seem to want me to NOT do what I really want to do, but they always ignore, belittle and ridicule what I love and really want to spend time doing. So them making me have to investigate so much, to understand what was happening, in a way they got what they wanted. Me not doing what I really wanted to do. But I doubt they wanted me to investigate their pathology!
I am showing some things from my first webpage here. It's called like you can see in the headline - Ingis World of Rainbows. There is nothing occult or mysterious about that name, as it's actually a reference to the fact there is alot of rainbows here where I live. I have tons of photos with rainbows over our house. I once started that page as we've moved down here from middle Sweden and the first thing I noticed was all those beautiful rainbows. In the beginning I had lots of photos and stories about the house, but many of the original material is deleted now. It's not as easy to find out exactly what house it is now, as I wanted to make it more anonymous. I did intend at the beginning to be very open and invite all my family and friends to my websites and did invite alot of them to my webgroup Magnolia Lane, but the reactions I recieved were very odd and not as I had hoped. Today, after all my research into toxic families that smear and scapegoat some people the reactions are not odd and peculiar anymore. They are perfect reactions from people who have been led to disbelieve and disrespect a person.
So what happened was that nobody wanted to join my group, which at that time was called Family Webnet. I had intended it to be a fast line for family news, like babies and birthdays, where everyone could send a little note for all to see. I had intended the group for family members only, but not made any decisions about how far off related a person needed to be. I was so excited and just before I started the group I had helped my oldest brother to invite loads of family to his mailinglist for one side of our family - father's side. In hinesight I realize it was a big mistake letting me send out those invites and not one of them agreed on joining his mailinglist. I don't know if it's cause of the smearing going on about me or about him, as we've been both smeared. I do think many more like him then me as he's so much more extroverted then me, and he's much better at ignoring insults and bad behavior from relatives. It seems to mostly not affect him nowdays, but there was a time he was very affected by atleast one person - mother. She had an accute nack of breaking him totally down, and I so regret not noticing all her little devious tricks when doing that. She used his own handicap against him, to stir him up and put him down. Her goal always seemed to be to make him feel totally inadequate, like him feeling good about himself deeply disturbed her.
So first off I was puking and not being able to eat anything, and freezing and not being happy, but on top of that the oldest brother had panick attacks and were mistreated for being claustrophobic and too warm. I had to sit in front in the car, not driving thank god though, but in the cold of the air condition, and he had to sit furtherst in the back where the air was too warm. And I got nothing to eat, while having to watch all the rest fill their guts with delicous food. That trip was pure nightmare, and I got so very ill in pneumonia for two weeks afterwards. So very ill. And worst of all - I lost my friendship with my oldest brother as they all set up us against each other with their little toxic lies. Like the one that I had been demanding to drive and forbidding my oldest brother to drive. That was why he was mad at me, and his wife told me in 2000. By then he had had another fallout with mother in 1998 and he was acting very odd back then too. I felt it strongly something was wrong 1998, now I know what, even though he's forgotten. I think his wife told him the truth I'd told her, that it was never me wanting to drive, but that I'd been forced. And that he then just forgot all about it as I was not guilty to what he had been told.
That is totally what they do to your brain you see. Make you forget. I remember things from that trip that never happened he will tell me. But I know they did happen. What he did remember now, many years later, is the big row he had with mother. He does not even remember he was rowing with me too! I was so mad at him for screaming in the car, as I was starving after a long day puking and nobody would ever let me eat anything. They had a joke on me conning me to order raw fish, which I had to turn down as you are not allowed to eat any raw fish when pregnant due to they carry something that will induce abortion, so I refused to eat it. And then I'd just been puking alot and when you are feeling sick you don't feel like eating raw fish. It was hilarious of course, to get the pregnant sick woman to order raw fish. Don't know why I was unhappy with that joke. The only one who seemed bothered by this joke on me was my oldest brother and he tried to be nice to me and ask me what I could eat. I was so tired and exhausted by famine at that time that all I could think about was potatoes. So all I had to eat was a couple of boiled potatoes, while the rest was stuffing their faces with delicous meals. I could smell their foods and I even got to taste the other brothers wonderful meal. I so wished I could had had something to eat too, but not in my family. I was always the one going without and they always mocked me for being so thin. Wonder why... Not really.
It was just an ordinary day, and we were sleeping in the upper bedroom at the time. That was what gave it away to me, that it must had been earlier on. We only slept there for the first year here and then we moved down to the bottom bedroom. Now we are back in the top bedroom again since a year or two. But that memory made me see I'd said the wrong year. But the assumption it was 2004 made my brother find a mail, which he thought could had been kind of insulting. It made me laugh so hard as I must had been utterly brain dead CRAZY to had thought the mail he picked being insulting. How over sensitive does he imagine I am? That is one smear that they use on me all the time, the family. That nothing I say is real, cause I'm just being "over sensitive". It's a good one cause then you can totally make out something utterly ridiculous is what made me pissed off, instead of actually listening to what I'm telling did. It's a kind of diversion tactic by my smearers. As you might have guessed, like I have guessed by now, one of my worst smearers are this middle brother. The one who could not stand to walk by my side when we flew to the US. The one who put me as far away from the honors table on his wedding as was humanly possible. I've been so blind my whole life. You know what they say - love is blind. He's never liked me. I was born and took the sunlight away from him. He must so hate my guts!
Then things changed as I realized what had happened. Remember who'd lied to him about my canieving plan to rob him of his opportunities to drive the car in the US? Thanks to my beloved sister-in-law, whom I feel so totally ashamed of forgetting to wish a happy birthday once again, I found out about that affair. If she'd not meddled I'd never known. And my guess is that she told her husband, who forgot all about it as he'd wrongly been mad on me. He forgot that he should be mad at our brother who'd lied too. This forgetting game I have been through with a daughter in exactly the same way. At that time she also been mad at me for four years, but it was she herself who told me. I then set her straight and when she found out it was all her grandmothers doings, and none of mine, she forgot all about it. Not even remembering she ought to be even more angry with her granny now, as not only did she smack her granddaughter in the face for being thirsty, but she also caused her to be angry at her mother for four years by blaming me. It's both a blessing and a curse my daughter forgot this. A blessing as who wants their child to remember their granny being such an evil bitch, and a curse cause she still had angry feelings about me for many years. She only had forgotten why!
Why I think that is how things entailed is because we did have a debackle back in 2001 when I had a sudden fit about divorcing my husband, which luckily went over quite quick and we made up. At the time I did tell both my brothers about a horrible reaction from the person causing me to get such an idea into my head. That is a typical hypnotic personality kind you'd not like to meet. I call them vipers who can hypnotize you into wanting all sorts of things and when you wake up from the trance you just don't know what you were thinking. When he did something quite nasty I did tell both my brothers about it and my oldest said he was a dangerous person, whom I should avoid, while my other brother understood his game. I did not. But after that I only spoke to mother about all the troublesome feelings I had due to this very charismatic person, who acted so irrational and over emotional, like he was madly in love with me one minute and the next he scared the living hell out of all of us. I now consider my oldest brothers estimation of that person the best, as he's in jail for trying to kill a woman.
If you knew our relationship you'd know I'd been tossing my rings every other week from the day we got engaged. It got so boring that I eventually stopped wearing any rings. Neither me nore my husband liked those rings anyways. Why would we need rings? If anyone of us would like to leave it would had been much easier if we never had married. I so totally concider marriage some kind of prison and I never will seize to think that way. Luckily I'm pretty sure my husband agrees and if my brothers think I was horrible for being touched emotionally by that charming and intense guy, they'd should know the truth before they make judgement. Cause that is what it is, to say it's wrong for a person to feel things for others. It's judgemental. Specially as they both like the company of women other then their wives. So why should I not be allowed to have some feelings for other people too? I am not a slave, you know, though I seriously doubt any in my family realize that. But that is what lay behind that horrible mail, sent to my husband long time ago, and which my oldest brother then forgot sending. He most likely found out the assumptions he'd made in the mail was untrue and deleted the memory. Just like the car memory.
After awhile mother made a scene about how boring my group was and left. She then tried to make me delete it for awhile. I did however change the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and redid the design from my other brothers spider to a beautiful magnolia my husband had photographed a day when we were in a park with his parents. It was a wonderful day worth to remember. I don't really remember when my oldest brother joined, if it was before or after I renamed the group, but he did join. He's still a member ten years later. I also had a few other very dear members for awhile, but then everyone went over to all the popular communities on the net and no-one was interested in these kinds of homemade groups anymore. Today I use my group to show off graphics and post interesting things on the mailinglist now and then. But most of all I post here on my blog and on this new YouTube with the addition of Google. It's not very good as all you post gets pushed down till you can't see it and I don't have anyone really into my stuff that I'm posting. I don't have any real readers or followers, I know. I would be surpriced if I did - not even my own family gives a hoot about what I'm up to so why should you? :)
Our home is call "Nest of happiness" and I picture it under the rainbow on my website. I used to use a photo of the actual house in the beginning, but then I changed it to a painting by an artist who paints landscapes and houses here where I live. It doesn't even look like our house, it just looks pretty. I don't have much more to say about this website. I had the intention of making it a website of our home, sharing photos and letting families and friends follow the work on our house, both inside and outside, and our garden, aswell as our children growing up. So at the start I had added my oldest webpages to this site, which included my old family-page, children-page, pet-page, cat-page and garden-page. I think I also had the old graphic-page here for awhile. Today all those are gone and I have new pages for those themes. Very different then the old ones. At that time there where also many visitors on my pages as that was pre-FACEBOOK. It was in a time before every second homepage was infected with horrible viruses. I can guarantee I keep my pages virus-free.
I don't know why I didn't realize she was not to be trusted. I did the same mistake her siblings did. I choose to trust her cause she looks honest, but she's not. I have the memory of how she lies to her mother and her mother gets really angry with me. Grandmother then thinks that I've been free loading on my parents and letting my mother serve on me, when the truth is the opposite - that my mother had been free loading on me. I'd been buying food, making food and feeding my mother and my sister. Father would never eat what I made. I did that several times every week and more often the older I got. Then just a month before I was to move away from home granny comes for a visit and there is this whole theatre going on where mother has made granny really upset with me. All based on lies. I will not go deeper into that memory now, as I've written so much about it already on other blogs. It's a very painful memory as I wanted so much for granny to love me back. She believed all lies she ever heard about me, but no more. I have met her so many times after she passed away, and she knows the truth now. She knows I am not that evil cow someones are making out I am.