All content on this blog is fictional and any resemblance with actual events are purely coincidental. When you choose to read this blog you also agree to not get offended or try and use any content to defame me as a person or anyone connected to me. If you cannot commit to this agreement you are violating the agreement you agreed to by reading this blog. I repeat that by the act of reading this blog you are committing to this agreement of not getting upset or using content in a way that could be considered an act of aggression. If you cannot follow this agreement I urge you to not read this blog.

tisdag 12 augusti 2014

Ingis World of Rainbows

I've been spending quite a time to update my website and deleting ugly gifts, or just small and old gifts. I put up those I deleted on my google+ account Magnolia Lane, for all to enjoy. It was a nice feeling to be able to do some work on the site and on graphics as too much time has been spent on dealing with the horrible behavior from my family this last year, that totally revealed once and for all that they have no compassion, no remorse and are not worth to spend more grief over. It's not as easy as it sounds to go "no contact" and then all is fine and dandy, so it's taken alot of soul searching and investigating into the matter of pathological families to wrap my head around this issue. But when doing all that I missed out on working with what I really wanted to do. And that is another matter that I've had issues with them my whole life. They always seem to want me to NOT do what I really want to do, but they always ignore, belittle and ridicule what I love and really want to spend time doing. So them making me have to investigate so much, to understand what was happening, in a way they got what they wanted. Me not doing what I really wanted to do. But I doubt they wanted me to investigate their pathology! 

I am showing some things from my first webpage here. It's called like you can see in the headline - Ingis World of Rainbows. There is nothing occult or mysterious about that name, as it's actually a reference to the fact there is alot of rainbows here where I live. I have tons of photos with rainbows over our house. I once started that page as we've moved down here from middle Sweden and the first thing I noticed was all those beautiful rainbows. In the beginning I had lots of photos and stories about the house, but many of the original material is deleted now. It's not as easy to find out exactly what house it is now, as I wanted to make it more anonymous. I did intend at the beginning to be very open and invite all my family and friends to my websites and did invite alot of them to my webgroup Magnolia Lane, but the reactions I recieved were very odd and not as I had hoped. Today, after all my research into toxic families that smear and scapegoat some people the reactions are not odd and peculiar anymore. They are perfect reactions from people who have been led to disbelieve and disrespect a person.
At the time I sent out my invitations I was very naive and thought everyone was avoiding me cause I'm such a shy and introvert person that they kind of had given up on me as I kept to myself. I thought, very naively, that they'd all be happy that I'd opened up, like a butterfly from the cocoon, and tried to contact them. That assumption couldn't be further from the truth. Today I do understand that it was never that I was too shy, too introvert, that was the problem. I know many shy and introvert young people that still are well liked and not treated like they had lepracy or something. They are seen as the sensitive, emotionally vulnerable people they are and actually loved and cared for by their families cause of those facts. They are appreciated as they want to help out, and offer their help with no desire to get anything in return. The family speaks highly of them and they say how sweet and helpful these youngsters are. But in a family with smearing and scapegoating you will find that none of that occure. What happens instead is that those smearing the introvert will pretend they have done all the nice and helpfull things he or she has done, and they will put the blame for all their own dirty tricks on the loner, who is not likely to gossip and find out he or she has been smeared and scapegoated. 

So what happened was that nobody wanted to join my group, which at that time was called Family Webnet. I had intended it to be a fast line for family news, like babies and birthdays, where everyone could send a little note for all to see. I had intended the group for family members only, but not made any decisions about how far off related a person needed to be. I was so excited and just before I started the group I had helped my oldest brother to invite loads of family to his mailinglist for one side of our family - father's side. In hinesight I realize it was a big mistake letting me send out those invites and not one of them agreed on joining his mailinglist. I don't know if it's cause of the smearing going on about me or about him, as we've been both smeared. I do think many more like him then me as he's so much more extroverted then me, and he's much better at ignoring insults and bad behavior from relatives. It seems to mostly not affect him nowdays, but there was a time he was very affected by atleast one person - mother. She had an accute nack of breaking him totally down, and I so regret not noticing all her little devious tricks when doing that. She used his own handicap against him, to stir him up and put him down. Her goal always seemed to be to make him feel totally inadequate, like him feeling good about himself deeply disturbed her.
It took me quite awhile to get it - that nobody wanted to know me and did not care for me. But at that time, back in late 2003, I was still very naive. I had sent out invitations to loads of family for my brothers mailinglist and I think one big reason I so much wanted to help him out was cause I'd been told 3 years earlier by his wife, that he'd been very mad at me for four years, starting in 1996. We'd been good friends at that time and we travelled to the US together. Also our brother, who's born between us, was with us. On the airport we joked about him feeling embarassed about us, as he walked far away from us. During all our stay in the US he actually acted embarassed. First I'd thought he was embarassed about his older brother, as he do tend to talk alot and quite loud too, but after awhile it was clear to me he was just as much, or maybe even more, embarassed about me. He'd asked me to drive and begged me to not tell his older brother he'd asked me. Then later on he told his older brother I was the one DEMANDING to drive. This is what caused him to be angry at me, according to his wife. Nowdays he does not remember any of that as he only remember how utterly mad he was about mothers behavior on that trip. She used my pregnancy illness and general discomfort to bully the oldest brother. 

So first off I was puking and not being able to eat anything, and freezing and not being happy, but on top of that the oldest brother had panick attacks and were mistreated for being claustrophobic and too warm. I had to sit in front in the car, not driving thank god though, but in the cold of the air condition, and he had to sit furtherst in the back where the air was too warm. And I got nothing to eat, while having to watch all the rest fill their guts with delicous food. That trip was pure nightmare, and I got so very ill in pneumonia for two weeks afterwards. So very ill. And worst of all - I lost my friendship with my oldest brother as they all set up us against each other with their little toxic lies. Like the one that I had been demanding to drive and forbidding my oldest brother to drive. That was why he was mad at me, and his wife told me in 2000. By then he had had another fallout with mother in 1998 and he was acting very odd back then too. I felt it strongly something was wrong 1998, now I know what, even though he's forgotten. I think his wife told him the truth I'd told her, that it was never me wanting to drive, but that I'd been forced. And that he then just forgot all about it as I was not guilty to what he had been told.
I drove only one time, that was from the airport, and that was it. I was so sick when I drove and everyone ridiculed how slow I drove. While I was totally sick! After that our sister drove the car, but from what I heard I was totally blamed as the culprint behind our oldest brother not being allowed to drive at all. As his wife was not with us in the US she must have been told by her husband all this, but last year when I brought this up her husband said she must have made it up, as it never happened that he'd been angry at me, or that our other brother had framed me as the culprint. Which is totally illogical as she couldn't had known any of that lest she'd been told by someone there, and I sure as hell had not told her anything. So her story ads up and she seems to be a sensible woman who actually record events as they are, and not like some like us to believe they happened. My brother, her husband, has admitted that he does get confused by the families little mind games and gaslighting, and he's really careful to not believe anything he does not remember himself. Which is why he does not really believe that our brother told him I was behind the driving issue and many more things he seems to have shared with others, previously, when he did remember events.

That is totally what they do to your brain you see. Make you forget. I remember things from that trip that never happened he will tell me. But I know they did happen. What he did remember now, many years later, is the big row he had with mother. He does not even remember he was rowing with me too! I was so mad at him for screaming in the car, as I was starving after a long day puking and nobody would ever let me eat anything. They had a joke on me conning me to order raw fish, which I had to turn down as you are not allowed to eat any raw fish when pregnant due to they carry something that will induce abortion, so I refused to eat it. And then I'd just been puking alot and when you are feeling sick you don't feel like eating raw fish. It was hilarious of course, to get the pregnant sick woman to order raw fish. Don't know why I was unhappy with that joke. The only one who seemed bothered by this joke on me was my oldest brother and he tried to be nice to me and ask me what I could eat. I was so tired and exhausted by famine at that time that all I could think about was potatoes. So all I had to eat was a couple of boiled potatoes, while the rest was stuffing their faces with delicous meals. I could smell their foods and I even got to taste the other brothers wonderful meal. I so wished I could had had something to eat too, but not in my family. I was always the one going without and they always mocked me for being so thin. Wonder why... Not really.
That trip made me decide to never go anywhere with my birth family ever again. There where other things happening I don't like to go into, many more in only a few short days. The end result was however that my friendship with my oldest brother grew colder. And after his wifes revelations in 2000 I decided to make more of an effort to make him see I'm not that canieving bitch our other brother is trying to fool him I am. I don't know why he did that - first asking me to please drive as he didn't trust his brother and begging me to not tell that he was doing this, and then framing me by telling our brother that I was behind it all. It's so very horrible and I've been very upset about this whole issue ever since I found out. A couple of years after my husband got a very horrible mail from my oldest brother. He said that since we were divorcing he didn't hence forward wish to have anything more to do with such a manipulating and false bitch like me, but would only stay in friendship with my husband. I remember this clear as a day, as my husband, in total bewilderment, showed me this mail. I mentioned this mail in another blog last year and let my oldest brother read it. He had no clue what I was talking about. He asked me if it was a mail he found he sent in 2004, as I at that time only guessed that it might have been about that year, though I had not much of a real idea really. 

It was just an ordinary day, and we were sleeping in the upper bedroom at the time. That was what gave it away to me, that it must had been earlier on. We only slept there for the first year here and then we moved down to the bottom bedroom. Now we are back in the top bedroom again since a year or two. But that memory made me see I'd said the wrong year. But the assumption it was 2004 made my brother find a mail, which he thought could had been kind of insulting. It made me laugh so hard as I must had been utterly brain dead CRAZY to had thought the mail he picked being insulting. How over sensitive does he imagine I am? That is one smear that they use on me all the time, the family. That nothing I say is real, cause I'm just being "over sensitive". It's a good one cause then you can totally make out something utterly ridiculous is what made me pissed off, instead of actually listening to what I'm telling did. It's a kind of diversion tactic by my smearers. As you might have guessed, like I have guessed by now, one of my worst smearers are this middle brother. The one who could not stand to walk by my side when we flew to the US. The one who put me as far away from the honors table on his wedding as was humanly possible. I've been so blind my whole life. You know what they say - love is blind. He's never liked me. I was born and took the sunlight away from him. He must so hate my guts!
Back to the horrible mail. As I said my oldest brother could not recollect what mail it could be, as he had absolutely no memory of sending it. I said to him that he sent it when he was still a member of his old church and that I thought he was not feeling too well as he was starting to have doubts. He then replied that I must be wrong, as he was feeling just fine and dandy in 2004. That is so typical my family! He made me make a guess about WHEN it was, and then anything I put forward is dismissed due to that one guess. The year was a guess, but my knowledge he was at the time still a member of his church, though starting to show early signs of doubt where not. And he focused on the most unsure issue of them all! I don't blame him for doing so as he's just been brainwashed his whole life to treat me that way. I'm trying to re-program him into seeing me as a human being, instead of that insane cartoon figure someone has implanted over my real humanity. After dismissing my claim that he had sent it, due to my claim he was not in a good way when he sent it, as he was feeling good 2004 the whole issue was more or less dropped. He could not remember sending ANY insulting mail to me and at the time I didn't feel ready to explain in what exact way it was insulting. I don't know, but it was still very hurtful the things he'd said in that mail.

Then things changed as I realized what had happened. Remember who'd lied to him about my canieving plan to rob him of his opportunities to drive the car in the US? Thanks to my beloved sister-in-law, whom I feel so totally ashamed of forgetting to wish a happy birthday once again, I found out about that affair. If she'd not meddled I'd never known. And my guess is that she told her husband, who forgot all about it as he'd wrongly been mad on me. He forgot that he should be mad at our brother who'd lied too. This forgetting game I have been through with a daughter in exactly the same way. At that time she also been mad at me for four years, but it was she herself who told me. I then set her straight and when she found out it was all her grandmothers doings, and none of mine, she forgot all about it. Not even remembering she ought to be even more angry with her granny now, as not only did she smack her granddaughter in the face for being thirsty, but she also caused her to be angry at her mother for four years by blaming me. It's both a blessing and a curse my daughter forgot this. A blessing as who wants their child to remember their granny being such an evil bitch, and a curse cause she still had angry feelings about me for many years. She only had forgotten why!
These events with amnesia made me think. They had both occured after the truth had been told to the ones being told lies. And both had during the time between the lie was told and the truth revealed hold anger towards me, thinking bad thoughts about my character. And both must then have realized he or she had been angry on me for things I had nothing to do with, which made it into unrighteous anger. To feel a grudge towards someone who's not done anything wrong towards you due to lies and deception makes you feel really bad about yourself, I know. You want to forget all about the event due to that guilt. So either you just forget cause the anger is now gone, or cause of this guilt, it does not matter. If you've been had, lied to by trickters, you will want to forget. And that is why I think my brother forgot about the car issue. And I think there is the clue to why he can't remember this awful mail too. I think, in my personal opinion, that our other brother had a finger in that mail too. I think, and I'm guessing alot here, that he'd been told lies and half lies by our mother and re-made them in his head into more foul things, which he then spread to the older brother, and then he wrote me that foul mail. I have no proof of this, but that is how terrible assumptions and tales are spun by those who loves to smear you with their poison.

Why I think that is how things entailed is because we did have a debackle back in 2001 when I had a sudden fit about divorcing my husband, which luckily went over quite quick and we made up. At the time I did tell both my brothers about a horrible reaction from the person causing me to get such an idea into my head. That is a typical hypnotic personality kind you'd not like to meet. I call them vipers who can hypnotize you into wanting all sorts of things and when you wake up from the trance you just don't know what you were thinking. When he did something quite nasty I did tell both my brothers about it and my oldest said he was a dangerous person, whom I should avoid, while my other brother understood his game. I did not. But after that I only spoke to mother about all the troublesome feelings I had due to this very charismatic person, who acted so irrational and over emotional, like he was madly in love with me one minute and the next he scared the living hell out of all of us. I now consider my oldest brothers estimation of that person the best, as he's in jail for trying to kill a woman.
Mother however tried to make me contact this man, and follow my emotions, which wanted to know why he behaved in this way. I am glad I knew better. I told mother that would be totally crazy as that would play right into his little game of claiming I'm stalking him, when in fact it was him phoning me making all sorts of propositions. I was just tired of being mistreated by everyone, and now of course I know he was a malignant narcissist who had been smearing me of reasons only his own deranged mind might know. He's of absolutely no interest, it's just that he was supposingly a friend to our family and he obviously wanted to break us apart and hurt us. So I talked to mother about the fallouts of his emotional abuse of us, and how he'd been misusing our friendship and behaving in such mad ways. And like I said she seemed to think it was a good idea to pursue such a friendship further and I disagreed. So who'd tell anyone that me and my husband was getting a divorce? I can't even remember talking to her about it, but my guess is that if I mentioned this to anyone it must have been her. And then I guess she told the lying brother, who made all sorts of assumptions and he then told the horror story what a bitch I was to my husband and passed it on to my oldest brother, who ended up writing my husband that very peculiar mail. 

If you knew our relationship you'd know I'd been tossing my rings every other week from the day we got engaged. It got so boring that I eventually stopped wearing any rings. Neither me nore my husband liked those rings anyways. Why would we need rings? If anyone of us would like to leave it would had been much easier if we never had married. I so totally concider marriage some kind of prison and I never will seize to think that way. Luckily I'm pretty sure my husband agrees and if my brothers think I was horrible for being touched emotionally by that charming and intense guy, they'd should know the truth before they make judgement. Cause that is what it is, to say it's wrong for a person to feel things for others. It's judgemental. Specially as they both like the company of women other then their wives. So why should I not be allowed to have some feelings for other people too? I am not a slave, you know, though I seriously doubt any in my family realize that. But that is what lay behind that horrible mail, sent to my husband long time ago, and which my oldest brother then forgot sending. He most likely found out the assumptions he'd made in the mail was untrue and deleted the memory. Just like the car memory.
It was shortly after this horrible mail I tried to help him out to get family to join his mailinglist and it was his list that made me want to start a group for my whole family, not only those on fathers side. I was so very enthusiastic and actually believed my relatives would be thrilled and happy I had put together this and done so much work with the page and everything, just for their sake. I was planning to make birthday pages for everyone, and making gifts and spoiling them. Showing all of them how much I loved them, as I've been too shy my whole life and not showed my affections strong enough for all to see. But it all flopped. Nobody wanted to join and I changed the criteria to join that you only needed to want to be my friend. No kinship required. In the end mother did join, just out of pity or something. My oldest brother said he had trust issues with me, and so did all of my family it seemed. All who bothered to make excuses claimed the integrity issue, that I was going to share their private information with others and that they did not trust me on this. Only my sister just claimed she had no time for that kind of thing. She'd been on plenty of communities with thousands of friends and she just didn't have time for the family one. Of course, all of those giving me these kind of excuses are active on FACEBOOK now. All but my oldest brother. 

After awhile mother made a scene about how boring my group was and left. She then tried to make me delete it for awhile. I did however change the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and redid the design from my other brothers spider to a beautiful magnolia my husband had photographed a day when we were in a park with his parents. It was a wonderful day worth to remember. I don't really remember when my oldest brother joined, if it was before or after I renamed the group, but he did join. He's still a member ten years later. I also had a few other very dear members for awhile, but then everyone went over to all the popular communities on the net and no-one was interested in these kinds of homemade groups anymore. Today I use my group to show off graphics and post interesting things on the mailinglist now and then. But most of all I post here on my blog and on this new YouTube with the addition of Google. It's not very good as all you post gets pushed down till you can't see it and I don't have anyone really into my stuff that I'm posting. I don't have any real readers or followers, I know. I would be surpriced if I did - not even my own family gives a hoot about what I'm up to so why should you? :)
As you can see I have not really written anything about my website - that is my rainbow site. It's cause there is not much to say about it. It's like all my sites filled with graphics and things to look at. There is not much to read, not any stories, but a few poems and wisdoms and a little bit of information. My sites are all more like paintings then living news feeds, like some sites are. They just are what they are. I try to have a theme on each one of them, and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not so well. This site has rainbows and a few angels on them, and there is some more treasures buried within. It's built on the love I have for my home and I wanted all my family to share that love with me, so I made it and shared it. Some people do this and all their friends come by and visit and cheer them on. I remember seeing that before I got a website back in the 90's. I remember my sister had one of the first websites I've ever seen, but it must had been her husband doing it as she didn't have any idea how to make one, I figured out years later. I was so thrilled by their website I just needed to learn to make one to. In 1998 I put up my first attempt. This one I think I made a few years later, and then of course it's been redone now and then after that.

Our home is call "Nest of happiness" and I picture it under the rainbow on my website. I used to use a photo of the actual house in the beginning, but then I changed it to a painting by an artist who paints landscapes and houses here where I live. It doesn't even look like our house, it just looks pretty. I don't have much more to say about this website. I had the intention of making it a website of our home, sharing photos and letting families and friends follow the work on our house, both inside and outside, and our garden, aswell as our children growing up. So at the start I had added my oldest webpages to this site, which included my old family-page, children-page, pet-page, cat-page and garden-page. I think I also had the old graphic-page here for awhile. Today all those are gone and I have new pages for those themes. Very different then the old ones. At that time there where also many visitors on my pages as that was pre-FACEBOOK. It was in a time before every second homepage was infected with horrible viruses. I can guarantee I keep my pages virus-free. 
I do hope you've kind of enjoyed the gifts I have shared on this blog. They are all on the webpage. The first and the second I did the frames to myself. The rest are all made after tutorials. A couple is made with vectors, like the one above and then of course the one with the bunny on. Those two I added own frames to aswell. I make these tutorials in my PSP-group, though the oldest two I think I made in another group I was a member in for a short while, until they tossed me out cause they all hated me or something. I'm not kidding you, though I think only one person hated me and she smeared me to the leader who then tossed me out. That is what smearers do - they lie about you to people who then toss you out from groups, friendship, families and all sorts of relationships. The smearers makes your beloved child hate you and they pull people apart who used to be friends. People who feel they need to make such remarks, which might have negative affects on others relationships, they are really not people you want in your life. I didn't know this was going on and I didn't pay attention enough. Mother did tell me I should not speak so openly about things with others, I only didn't think she was the one I should fear.

I don't know why I didn't realize she was not to be trusted. I did the same mistake her siblings did. I choose to trust her cause she looks honest, but she's not. I have the memory of how she lies to her mother and her mother gets really angry with me. Grandmother then thinks that I've been free loading on my parents and letting my mother serve on me, when the truth is the opposite - that my mother had been free loading on me. I'd been buying food, making food and feeding my mother and my sister. Father would never eat what I made. I did that several times every week and more often the older I got. Then just a month before I was to move away from home granny comes for a visit and there is this whole theatre going on where mother has made granny really upset with me. All based on lies. I will not go deeper into that memory now, as I've written so much about it already on other blogs. It's a very painful memory as I wanted so much for granny to love me back. She believed all lies she ever heard about me, but no more. I have met her so many times after she passed away, and she knows the truth now. She knows I am not that evil cow someones are making out I am.
Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane