World of Magdalena

This is my third blog about my green world webpages. The first one was about my home Lyckebo and the second one about mothers and families. This one will be about my oldest daughter Magdalena and her son Vincent, but I will talk about really anything I feel like right now. This is the link to the page - World of Magdalena. The site has a few under pages linked to it with different themes. There is one about Vincent, starting before he was born and still inside Magdalenas belly. He was born too early and stopped breathing two times while still in hospital. So he really gave us a scare. He is born with a few mutations that had us very worried to start with. One is at his heart and the doctors wanted to operate on the poor baby, but we didn't want them to as that is very traumatic for an infant. He seems to do fine with his breathing now and can swallow his food alright, so now they are not talking about that anymore. Now they are more concerned about his brain damage, which most likely caused him to stop breathing when new born. He needs alot of training to strengthen his back and legs and I look forward to help him more with that as it's quite fun to cheer him on. 

It's such a blessing for all of us to have Magdas little boy with us and whatever will happen I'm sure he'll make the best of everything. He's such a happy boy and so many just take to him instantly. You just want to hug him and love him and he shows that he likes you back by patting you like you were a dog. It's quite fun, how he likes to show his affection that way, and he even says he's patting them. That is cause when he was tiny he liked to hit you instead, so we taught him to be kinder and more gentle in his touch. I could go on forever about my little grandson, as I find him utterly wonderful. He might not be the most perfect child on earth, but to me he is. He has a brother nowdays and he lives with his new dad and old mom in the new dads house. Every second week his new brother lives there too and they are almost in the same age. Magdalena is still at university but will be done next year, and then she hopefully gets a great job and the family can get their own dream house, as they are only renting a quite boring house from the 60's right now. I do hope they will move out to the country side where they can have dogs and cats. At the moment two of Magda's cats lives with me, and one lives with her brother Zak. 

There are many more pages on my site about Magdalena, then those about Vincent. There are pages with angels and fairies and unicorns too. Even a few older pages with Magda and her first boyfriend and their tiny smelly mice. She has made a few graphics, when she was a teenager, that I have added to this site too. I don't hardly write anything about her on the site however as I don't want to embarrass my children too much with my ramblings. I like more to express my feelings through the graphics and pictures so each one is given to a certain child of mine for a reason. As my daughter is romantic and would love to marry one day I gave her the first graphics on top. It's made from a tutorial. The second one I made myself with a picture I fell in love with. The girl with the balloons made me think about Magda. She's a bit sad and wild, but also pure and innocent. The balloons symbolizes all her dreams, all the things she wants to do. 

Below are a graphic reminding me of her days loving gothic themes and vampires. The black hair and the blood red colour with the white and pale skin is all a reminder of those past days. It is done with a tutorial and when I found the graphic with the gothic girl I just had to make it for Magda. At that time she was still into this style, but by now it's all gone away and you would not even think she ever was anything like a goth girl. She's tanned and her hair has grown long and brown, with natural waves, and she rarely wears any make-up anymore. She's become very natural and very much alive since she had her son three years ago. At that time she was not sure if she'd managed, but since then she's grown alot, taken her drivers licens, moved away from home to a flat of her own, found a new boyfriend and moved in with him after a years of dating. They took it slow as they both had rushed it before and having both small children they wanted to be sure. Both boys call them mom and dad and seem to concider them their real parents by now, as they are there for them every day. The brother is with his real mom every second week, but he still is more acting like my daughter is his mom. Perhaps cause she's more acting like a mom.

Long time ago, when I was younger, I used to complain about things that bothered me alot more then I do now. I've been thinking about those days and that I used to be the same when I lived at home with my parents. But after I moved away from home I was not doing that as much, and I have wondered why. The thing is that when I lived at home we were quite many people in my family and there was alot of bullying going on. Thinking back I remember mother bullying my oldest brother most, but she also made alot of put down remarks to father in a high pitch annoyed tone, filled with ridicule. I remember hating that voice and really doing all I could to never be on the recieving end of it. But now and then she could turn it on me. I used to talk alot to my best friend about all things at home, that really bothered me, and I am sure she got sore ears by hearing so much bullshit. Lately I have realized it was alot of gaslighting and other bullying techniques used in my household, that made me really upset. At the same time alot of nasty kids at school tried to bully me, but I mostly ignored them. My best friend however didn't know how to, but somehow I had learnt how to pretend to be deaf towards bullies.

There was a few years I didn't hate living at home, starting when both my brothers moved away from home. I think it was all down to the bullying. Father used to talk alot to the boys too, and they were all so selfimportant that they seemed to not see anyone else. My oldest brother always talked alot and very loud, which was very exhasting. Now and then he and his brother, the second child, would start rowing and even fighting. The second brother knew all the buttons to push, whenever he felt like it. Mother loved to throw gaz on the fire, if she saw the arguing. So that's a big reason I felt a huge relief when they were gone. Atlast I could be seen and someone else then my baby sister might hear my voice speak. So in those years that followed it was better. Not perfect, but better then the 9 years before that. The years before I had a baby sister to look after all the time was more fun, cause I was free to do what I wanted. And the school days were not that long. So after I turned about 18 and the next four years I grew alot, the less I had to live with selfimportant boys. My second brother was not that loud, but so very important he almost would pop like a balloon, so much air he seemed to have blown up his ego with.

The thing was that mother rarely spoke that much to me as I lived at home. After the boys went away she was mostly nice to me and let me go on with my own stuff. I helped out alot and did housework and made food for me, my sister and mother quite often. Father never would even taste anything I made, which was quite rude, I thought. Alot was good and did taste very well, but he always had some excuse to not even take a bite. When I was finally going to move away in a short while granny came to visit, but that was one of those awful gaslighting experiences I've had with my mother. My second brother was there too, and he was not as obnoxious as he'd been when living at home, I thought. I remember we both came inside and saw mother making fish and potatoes, which was something neither of us ever had seen. But we both understood with a glance at each other, that mother wanted to impress granny and making it out as she was this good housewife, cooking for her children and guests. So we started to make the table, when granny started yealling at us as if we'd been really naughty. It turned out that mother had told our granny that we were lazy users who would never lift one hand to help her out with all the housework.

The accusations were mostly towards me and they were quite unfair and cruel, as it was usually me doing the cooking and mother just sitting around. But granny had heard another compleately different sob story from mother. To this day I feel that this was some kind of sick revenge from my mother, to punish me for wanting to move away. In the twisted way a narcissist would handle things as I was accused of having over stayed my welcome in the home. The thing is that father was the one paying for everything, and mother didn't pay anything and rarely helped out with any housework. She mostly did the complaining and teasing and the putting down of father. Now as the oldest son, the one she constantly remarked was alike his father, was no more at home she had only her husband to put down. But oddly enough she'd been quite quiet with that too for awhile, and then this assault on me, out of the blue. I had been working since dawn at the factory and had just come home to hear how lazy I was. Normally I ate something after the work and then I went out to run for 10 km over the country side. I was nothing like anything lazy, as she had granny believe.

For a few years me and my second brother talked about this stunt mother pulled on us, but then one day he had forgotten. He had totally forgotten the whole thing and it was like he had been switched with someone else, someone less nice, as he'd been quite nice for awhile. To aknowledge mutual experiences make you bond and like another person, so him denying our past of course made me feel him being less nice. Anyways I move away shortly after that and I rarely spoke to mother for many years, as I rarely had done when home. But at home she did always have a chance to gaslight me like that and smear me and scapegoat me, like she loves to do to those she's bullying for the moment. So I remember that I complained less and felt more selfassure. The biggest mistake I've ever made is that I let my mother come into my life as I also became a mother. The older I got the more we spoke. I can't hardly remember us speaking when I was a child, but now when I was married and a mother she talked to me about how terrible husband my father had been, and how hard she knows it is to be a mother, as she'd been that too. Looking back she made it all so dark and gloomy, like it was not the most wonderful thing ever happening to me, but a great burden to bare.

That is why I believe I wasted so many years complaining, cause I was speaking to her about all the goings on and everything she made into either a big huge mess I needed to fix, or she ignored as if it was of no importance. The things needing to be fixed might just be minor little things I had said of no particular reason, or it might be things that bothered me and I needed to vent. Either way she made me feel even more guilty and heavier then before I said anything, and many times I regretted telling her things. The things that was ignored was the most precious and dear matters to me, like suspecting to be pregnant again or actually having mangaged to, or anything else that made my heart jump of joy. I remember sharing many such things of great concern, that was of the more dire nature to myself, and she could be just totally uninterested and blank in her respons. Some things was things I was very sad about, that had hurt me for a long time, but could not be fixed in any of the ways she liked to tell me to do things. It might just be a sad feeling over a word that was said, and she could never show any empathy or tell me anything uplifting out of love. Like my feelings did not matter, hence I did not matter. Thinking back I wish I'd not put myself through that treatment, as it affected my children.

The cat with the umbrella above I made from a tutorial and I choose the cat as Magda has a black and white cat. He's longhaired though and he has just moved to her brothers place on the country side. He's just renting it with his girlfriend, but it's very close to were Magda lives, so they took care of her cat as they already has the son to this cat. They also have many more animals I will speak of on another blog. The baby graphics is also from a tutorial and I made it of course cause Magda had a baby at spring time. The lovely couple I made to her with a graphic I just had to give to her. It's both dark and romantic at the same time. The frame is from a very old tutorial. The ram below I made from a tutorial too, but changed a few tubes to go with Magda. I did it for a birthday page of hers a few years back as she's born in April and an Aries. I felt the notes and rose petals was very much Magda, as she's both strong like the ram, but also tender and fragile at the same time. I have been very affraid that my moods when she grew up would had affected her negative, and I so wish I had not waisted so much time being upset and affected by people like my mother. It's like if you have such a mother you are a magnet to more nasty women in your life.

The difficult thing about having such a mother, and granny to your children, is that she can be very nice and you can feel like she's hurting and in pain and all those feelings make you take alot of shit from her. Alot of crazy making gaslighting and sick twisted set ups. It's cause she can be very nice and seem so lost and helpless you think you need to be there for her. If she'd been like me she'd been worried she'd hurt me with all her moods and aggressions and stupid framing she's done. You'd think she was thinking about me and my children and wondering in what way she's behaved to make me finally feel that enough is enough. But she does not. She's not like me and now I do feel like the stupid one for pitying her and thinking it was my duty to help her and be there for her. It was never me or my children she wanted and when she was upset it was never cause we had fallen out, but always something else. I remember loving my babysitter from when I was 4-5 so much, as she got so angry with me for real things I had made in the purpose of upsetting her. I loved her cause I knew it was me, and nothing else, that had affected her this way. I do hope that my daughter Magda knows that I think about her, and I do want her to be in my life very very much.

I want my girl to know that she matters, that when I got angry with her, it was cause she had upset me somehow. It might not have been the best choice of reactions, but I didn't ignore her or not feel anything towards her. My mother seemed to be very jealous on my relationship to my firstborn. When Magda was four I was breast feeding her baby brother, and Magda wanted me to give her something. I thought she was thirsty and told my mother to help her out. To find out what she wanted, if she was thirsty or what. Mother said she would, but took the girl out of the kitchen, into the livingroom. She just kept screaming and it only got worse, so I had to stop feeding the baby and go and ask my mother why she would not comfort the child and help her. Mother said there was no reason behind her screaming, but I finally made the girl take a drink and stop her crying. Four years later my daughter is very upset and she says she's very angry with me for not loving her or caring for her atall. I asked her why she feels this way, what has caused her to believe such horrible things, and she says that I had asked her granny to hit her.

After some kind digging into the hitting story I realized it was that day, when my mother was going to find out what Magda was screaming about. And then I understood why she never had stopped crying. So, all these four years my daughter was under the impression that I had told her granny to hit her. The reason for this is that I had told mother to take care of her, and my mother had translated that in such way that the child was led to believe I had ment to say that mother should hit her. Not in direct words, but indirect. But I never had had the intention of anyone hitting my beloved little girl, and ever after that event she was a handful. She would rage over nothing, toss around things and act out. Our deep connection was broken. That is what a narcissistic mother will do to you, if you let her near your children. She will do something vile to them, and tell them that you put her up to it. She will not think that is wrong of her, but that she is helping you out. If she used to have you physically punished on a whim when you were small, you should never let her near you children. My mother made father spank me alot, when I was just a small little thing, and not once did I know why.

The other week my daughter told me that she remembers that I was always mad at my mother. Hearing that I feel it's such a waste of energy and time, me being angry on a selfish woman, while I could had been joyful with my children. I did have alot of wonderful moments with my children, as mother was not visiting me that often as our house was full of little ones. Thinking back I think the less she was here, the better relationship we had and the more fullfilling did our little walks in the nature feel like. I took my children to other events too, mostly at the time when they were all four born and I didn't work anymore. When the three first were tiny I was mostly stuck at home, but when the forth were born father gave me a car so I could take them places. After a year we moved to where we live now and I took them all to many events and let them test all sorts of things. That's when I got to know alot of other parents, but in the end it was only the children holding us together. One mother, I had a lovely chat with, even informed me she had enough friends already, apparently afraid I'd got the wrong idea out of our nice little talk. I don't think I've ever felt more bewildered in my life. Perhaps that's the way people speak to others where she comes from, but I certainly never been to a place anyone has done that. 

What I found out was that most people originating from this area are like her, though most are not as honest as she was. They think they are better and that they already have all that is needed out of life. Some people say they are inbreeds and narrow minded people. The thing is that I didn't even want to be her friend, I just happen to like to talk to people in a friendly way and leave them with a nice memory. Nothing more, and no strings attached. People like that can travel the world and they will still be like that - affraid to open their hearts. I think it's more important for them to travel then for those who are already open and free. You can travel more inside in your inner mind then you can ever manage to go on this planet. That is the wisdom. Magda is very wise too and I feel that now when I don't take in my mothers energies like before, and I don't waste time to pity her and be angry with her for her unfairness, now I can enjoy and love so much more then I did as a mother. I cannot change that mother ruined the beautiful bond I had with Magda as a little child. We used to love each other so deeply and the connection we had was magical. I truly felt that my mother envied that, and that was the deep reason why she did what she did. She called it helping me, I call it trying to break our bond. If I knew today what I know now I would had reacted differently towards my daughter's anger and rejection. She was hurt by what she thought was true, and that hurt might had defined her.

She was such a cheerful child, so full of mischief and joy. I used to encourage that and she felt seen by me, up until that day mother smacked her face. After Magda had told me this sad truth she forgot all about it, and I think there has been many more things defining her as time went by. If we don't let these destructive people ruin our relationships they cannot do it. It's cause we take it personal and believe it is us being under attack and rejected, while it's the doings of a deciever who tries to put rifts between us. Knowingly or unknowingly. I am leaning towards knowingly as mother says she never hit my daughter, nore tried to hit any other children of mine. Which are all lies, so hence I think she did it on purpose out of jealousy. I feel almost stupid saying that, as that is the idea she's brainwashed me with my whole life, that I am silly believing she's doing stuff I remember her doing. She does not say I am silly for thinking she hit my daughter to break us apart, she says I'm insane for even thinking she has hit any of my children - ever. Which she has and both me and my husband have both stopped her hitting children. Once my husband stopped her from hitting Magda, and later on I stopped her from hitting her babybrother. 

But there is no way of making a person like my mother admit to it being her doing such things, a total waist of time. No amount of evidence would change her stance, as long as she can make others refuse to look and believe you. There is only one thing I really regret and that is to ever let her have anything to do with any of my children. Of all their meetings with her there is not hardly any that has left a positive memory for them. There might have been occations that did not cause them trauma or discomfort, but only barely. Too many times little negative things did happen, small hurts that stuck. Most such little events I never saw myself, but as children grow up they realize that despite their mother forcing them to see their grandma, she did not have anything to do with the choices her mother did about how to treat them. As little children they might think like my Magda, that I was part of it, wanting her to get hurt. But as time goes by they see that I did not know she did that to them. That she was just as cruel to them as she was to me. You tend to think that she was that way to me as it was tiresome being a young mother, and now as a grandmother she will only feel joy the short moments she share with her grandchildren. But such people like my mother will always find children a bother, even on the shortest of meetings. 

The colourful flowers in the green vase I've painted myself with vectors, which is a very useful tool. I added an old frame I did many years ago to the graphic. The baby in the summer field I made from a tutorial and of course I thought about Magda and her baby Vincent when I did it. The girl in the stairway is so Magda I had to make it to her. It's also from a tutorial and I've made my own frame to it. Below is a tractor vector graphics made from a tutorial and added to a picture I made with a house tube and a few other tubes and some painting and a frame. It's like it says to my little grandson Vincent, who just loves tractors. I so wish I could get him a tractor for real. Not only so he could pretend to drive it, but so I could learn and take him on a tour. Just think about it, that no matter if he might have problems walking and running in his life, he could be ever so clever at driving. The look in his eyes when he sees a tractor is pure love. Once we passed the main farm here and the farmers big green tractor stood infront of his barn. Vincent got so upset I would not walk up to the tractor with him and let him pat it. He loves patting anything he likes, like it was little kitties or dogs, but the tractor was on the farmers property. How to explain that to a toddler...

To be a grandmother and to get to know your grandchild, see him evolve and struggle, is a gift. To see your children grow up and stand on their own feet, might feel scary, but also comforting. It gives hope that they will manage without me if they need to, and will have happiness and get to do what they want to in their lives. I only wish they could be so very much more happy then I was, even if I've had moments, trying to hold on to what is the best in life. It is hard though when those who should love and care for you do their best to make you miserable with little stab wounds here and there to always hold you down. I believe I'd been a much better and happier mother if I'd done what my children wanted me to do long time ago and stopped seeing my mother at all. The only child that ever wanted to see her was Magda, and that is quite weird as she's the child mother hit in the face. But my guess it's down to the trauma of the assault, that somehow we need to meet that person and make them change to a kinder and more loving person infront of us. That is the reason I went back and the reason my daughter so long wanted to build a relationship with her grandmother - the need to heal the wound that she had created. But unfortunatly such people are more likely to cause more damage, then heal what they already has damaged.

Now I don't think she has any relationship anymore with her grandmother. The realization that to her grandmother she's not a real person, with real wishes, real dreams and wants, has come to her. Besides, I think she finally realizes that she got me, and even though I might be a bore, and not in any way exciting, with fascinating stories to tell, I do love her and her little boy. Magda got a beautiful family now, with a new guy and his pretty little boy. I like them both and wish them happiness. I do hope Magda will make the right choices and be happy with what she chooses. In many cases we believe that the exciting things are the right things, while they are not. And we might think that the boring things are killing us and making our lives miserable, while they are not. The exciting things might be like christmases, not really real, just dreams that come and go, with gifts and good food one night a year. And the boring things are every other day when there is just ordinary good times. Those days are many so why should they be less then the days that are rare? Christmas is exciting cause it's one day, and that is what happenens to the exciting choices in life too. When you choose them, and they become every day, they are also boring and ordinary like the life we had before.

That is why you can never get the excitement forever, as it keeps slipping through your fingers. Everytime you think you got it, it changes into ordinary and everyday life. It happenes every time with every choice we make. So the question is if this is the life I truly want to have, every day, every week, even when it's boring and ordinary. If I'd choosen to move to a big town and work on a busy business, like I imagined to do when I was in Magdas age, I know that I in the end would had realized it was not what I wanted at all. Today I am grateful that I never got that life, and that in the end I ended up here doing what I did with Magda and her little brothers and baby sister instead. All the little things we did together could had slipped away from me, if I'd choosen to put my children in daycare every day and leave my older children home alone after school. I wonder what kind of people my children would had been if I'd let other people raise them, and not myself. Would each and every one of them been so close to me? Would they know how they are? What kind of trouble could they have ended up in when instead of being with me and dreaming up fantasies and having fun in nature, they'd hung at a school yard till late in the evening with other bored kids. Honestly, I think it's one of the best things a mother can ever have - time to be with her children, and I wish my daughter will have that for hers. 

Magnolia Lane

World of Families

Earlier I shared on this blog my webpage about my home Lyckebo and spoke there about my webgroup Magnolia Lane and how I first started it as a group for my family. Here I will go on to show another of my webpages and a few gifts I have made for that page. Just like my group was first created for my blood family, I created this page for them all. I had an older page about my family with photos of both my family of origin and my own new family. On this newer page I only focus on my present family -World of Families. The webgroup I first created in 2003 and called Family Webnet, but like I talk about in my previous blog about my webpages nobody in my family wanted to join the group. Inspite of that I've gotten feedback from my godmother that my family of origin concider me the one ignoring this family and only focusing on my children, which they all according to my godmother, think is wrong of me. I am the one ignoring them, and still no-one of them wanted to join my webgroup Family Webnet? 

Also I helped my oldest brother to try and invite family on fathers side to his mailinglist, with no success. It's my family of origin who've been shunning me for years, who do not want to be part of anything I put forward to them. I got a few weird excuses "why" they could not join. All proven false and lies, as what they used as excuses they later on did without problem when Facebook turned up. They suddenly could share much more info then I ever asked for. Suddenly they are sharing their whole names, birthdays, photos of their children and suddenly they had all the time in the world to spend on Facebook. All excuses they used to why they could not join my very private group. After I was brushed off by my entire family of origin and extended family I eventually changed the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and invited "friends" to the group from the internet. I met a nice woman who wanted to help me as she had a very successful group herself. 

At this time I don't remember all these events clearly, but I remember that my oldest brother was very hesistant to join, as he'd been affected by some negative comments about my group most likely from his brother. I think he did join anyways, as I now dimly remember it, but he was not happy about it. He had huge reservations and they were all based on what he had been told about me. It was like this oldest brother was under the spell of the second brother and disbelieved me due to his warnings of my group. I had a year before I started the group seen a mail sent by this oldest brother to my husband, which clearly told me someone was smearing me and my husband wrote back and put him straight. I never told him I had seen that horrible mail, but I wondered very much about it for years. Today I believe it was gossip and lies from my second brother who'd affected him. I believe that as two years prior to that my sister-in-law revealed that the second brother had framed me for the drivers issue when we were in Florida. She said her husband, my oldest brother, had been mad at me cause our brother had said I was the one against the oldest one being allowed to drive. All lies. 

Today the oldest brother does not even remember talking about this with his wife and said to me it never happened, which is impossible cause his wife was not with us in Florida so her husband must had told her this when he came home, and all she said matched perfectly with what I knew, only I was framed for doing exactly what our second brother had done. He had asked me to not tell our oldest brother that it was his wish that the older brother would not drive, cause he was afraid that would turn him against him if he knew. I felt sorry for my second brother and agreed to not tell the oldest brother that it was his brothers demand that he did not drive the rented car. And then the second brother did like he has done so many times before, used my loyal silence to frame me with what he'd done. This answers my question why I got beaten so many times in my childhood for matters I had no idea about. It answers many weird questions, like why my whole family of origin seems to be suspicious about me. Perhaps a few of them believe that I have changed and am now more responsible as an older person, and hence will treat me better. But if they imagine that they are very wrong, as I never was that person my closest blood relatives lied about me being.  

Now I understand why my second brother always used to make jokes about me crying so much as a child and how skinny as a twig I was from early childhood. Neither of those two matters are anything close to funny when mentioned in relation to a little child. That is pure signs of childabuse. So by piecing little things together I can see a pattern emerge. Now I believe this second brother was told by our mother, whom I talked to about alot of private things 12 years ago, things concerning my life and she exaggerated and twisted things enough to give him fuel to claim horrible things about me to my oldest brother, whom reacted by sending my husband that very nasty mail. I am pretty sure this is what happened as what was in that mail was info only I had spoken to mother about earlier on, but like I said, over exaggerated and twisting me from an emotional, feeling human being, into a monster. So evil that my oldest brother thought I was a tyrant terror who where abusing my husband and he hoped we'd see our divorce thrue so he'd never have to see me again. 

What terrible lies must he had heard to react this way? If I remember right my husband put him straight, and wrote back that we were not planing any divorce and that I was a lovely and kind person. Yes, I can get mad as hell and cry and what have you, specially in my earlier years when I still was 100% convinced nobody ever could love me and would not believe my husband did. The slightest signs of going off me and I was sure he was leaving me and never had loved me for real. He did fancy other girls now and then, but swears that deep down he only wanted to be with me, so I guess I have to believe him as he so far has not left me. No matter what I cried and said he didn't leave. I really did not want to be with a guy who only was with me out of pity either, so that was another big issue for me. Something I don't know if I ever will get over, as I think those emotions were ingrained in me at early childhood. You need atleast one person who truly loves you when you grow up to believe you are loveable, and I lost everyone eventually who seemed to care. 

After nine I don't remember any grown ups giving me the time of the day. The summer I was eight was my last summer before I was dumped by father. I lost my old aunt Sigrid when I was seven, who up till then acted like the only caring grandparent I had. When I was five I lost my favorite nanny, a girl who worked with us from she was sixteen till seventeen. She promised to come back and visit me, but except for a postcard the next summer from a Summer Camp for children, I never heard from her again. She was the closest to a mother I've ever had, and I loved her with all my heart. I guess she married her boyfriend Roland and had children. I hope she did that, no, I dreamt that she did that. I also hoped she thought about me too sometimes. And that she loved me too, but forgot to see me cause of her children and life coming in the way. She was only seventeen, and too young to know how devestating it is for a child to loose the only grown up woman she has in her life. 

Don't believe that I had my mother, cause I never believed it when I was a child. I remember I was like a bag she dragged around, but I was never there for real with her. She never saw me, she never spoke to me, she never cared who I was. She didn't feed me and she rarely bought me any clothes. She rather saved the childcare money to buy treats for herself with. She used to tease me when I was in my early teens together with my second brother, whom she egged on to taunt me as much as he could. She laughed in joy whenever she saw he hit a soar spot and I got really angry with them many times. I remember I told them they were my family and should support me and help me and not bully me worse then those bullies did in school. That it was too much for me to deal with their crap at home, after being the reciever of abuse at school every day. I felt no empathy from mother whatsoever when hearing this, but my second brother seemed to feel a little bad and excused himself that he only was helping me to toughen up.  

I don't remember when mother suddenly accepted to join my group, but I think it was after I had changed it to Magnolia Lane. I don't think my oldest brother was still a member then, or if he ever was that during it's Family Webnet days. Somehow I have forgot about these things, though I did remember them clearly only a few years back. Too much has happened so I have forgotten. After a short while mother put down my group as "boring" and left. A few years later I had re-established my relationship with my oldest brother, whom someone must have been smearing me to for awhile as he had so big apprehentions for my first group. He was very suspicious about it, just like our brother had been, so I think he were affected by all this other brothers negative energy and so seems most of my family of origin be. Still I got that mail in 2013 from my godmother that it was me who didn't care for my family of origin, didn't care for my siblings. That is those two siblings who are lying about me and telling people that I am a liar and a thief. 

Oh, I wonder why I have serious problem with caring for such people. She knows that I have cared for them alot, and she knows that I was framed for 35 years for the death of her friends chickens and I'm sure she believed all this time I was the chicken killer. Still she thinks I am in wrong for finally calling it a quites and saying "no more". She seems to think I must be the doormat and I must accept being kicked in my stomach without any complaints. Once she told me I was not allowed to complain cause my father would not help me with one tiny little thing. I never asked him for favours and this help would had been so very appreciated. So instead of him bending down and pick up my sweet and very kind cat and put him in a cage and take him home, he couldn't be bothered. Instead I had to travel 140 km in the middle of the night to pick up the cat on fathers farm, after sitting on a bus from the Alpes the whole day. Just so I could catch the train and go to university as soon as possible as I already had missed a few classes due to the ski trip. I had paid for the ski trip, and father was on the farm that day and all he had to do was to pick up the cat, who was sitting under a cupboard and was not missing. 

So I told my aunt, when in the weekend visiting my oldest brother in Stockholm, that I was very upset with dad for putting me through this, when I never ask him for favours and he could not help me with this tiny little thing. She got very angry with me and told me I was not in any position to critizies my father. I have heard her say very bad things about her father, my grandfather, so why was not I allowed to be disappointed with my father? She has said very mean things about my father, her brother. She has said much worse things then what I was complaining about. So why did she insult me like that? Cause she had deep anger against me already - that is the only answer I can come up with after 30 years thinking about this. She had been told like 5 years earlier that I was an evil cow, who killed all those chickens and then refused to pay for them. She phoned me at that time and told me to pay for the chickens, and it never dawned on me at that time that she did it cause she'd been told I was the guilty one. She never said that I killed the chickens, she just begged me to pay for them or her friend would not speak to her again. 

I felt sorry for my aunt, who at the time was the same age I am now, so I gave father the money to give to my aunts friend. On fathers funeral this friend came up and told me all what she had heard about this, and that is how I know this now. This friend then told my aunt that my father paid the chickens, and the two women concluded that I would not pay for the chickens they thought I had killed. How evil isn't that to make others believe about a young, shy, bullied little girl who's done nobody any harm? As a grown up I feel sorry for that little girl who nobody loved and who was so rottenly treated by her family. The only one I today feel is not guilty of this harm is my oldest brother, who only was lied to himself and unfortunatly believed a little too much of the crap he heard. My guess is that the other brother wanted to ruin our relationship as he saw how close us two others had become and that's why he lied about the car in Florida. We had flewn there together and I and the oldest brother had been great friends. But during the visit he acted angry towards me, and I didn't understand why until his wife told me about what our other brother had said about me. So I believe my godmother, my aunt, had been hearing likewise foul lies about me, as I have proof now due to the chicken lady's confession. And therefore she hurt me so bad with her agression towards me for the slight slip of complaint that my father would not help me when I was in a tight spot. 

I never got any money from my parents during my years at the university, except a few times I got enough to pay a ticked to go home over summer break. Father didn't want to give me a ticket, so I had to beg. It wasn't expensive as I had student price and I had to remind him that if I didn't get the ticket I could not work at his office during summer and they'd have to find a new summer extra. That usually made him give in and give me the ticked. I find this so very odd and I don't understand why he was treating me so mean. Just like I have wondered my whole life why my godmother was treating me so mean. I didn't speak to my aunt for a year after her angry reply when she heard how upset I was with how coldhearted my father treated me, whom always tried to help him and be a kind child. He was the one punishing me, spanking me on my bare arse, for reasons unkown to me. He did it for a few years, until I got older, I think it was about when I started school, and it stopped. I remember he always did it cause mother told him to. I don't remember the reasons she gave, but I have a feeling what she might had said, maybe the same sentance she said when I was thirteen, as that one triggered me alot. 

Still today when I hear those words I feel sick, physically sick. They are clearly telling me my mother hates me and wants to see me hurt, no matter if I've done something bad or not, she wants me in pain. She's been acting in later years like she does not, but that might be cause I've been ill and very unhappy in my life as we had no money and my husband has been overworked and ill for many more years. We've hardly been able to keep our home and take care of our children, but we've managed cause we've lived on nothing and gone on short trips as "vacations". I used to take them out in nature as that was free entertainment. What we did have was love, but the strain on a family in bad financial condition is heavy. Mother she knew all this, and now I know she could had made all that go away anytime she wished. Any time! But she choosed to see me in pain and that made her so happy she acted like she was my friend and confidance. That was why I told her things that then ended up in a mail some months later from my oldest brother to my husband. But like I said, all was turned up side down, as it's always with these malignant liars.

This is truly how things seems to me, as when I told mother I was too tired and ill to take care of her dog, while having my daugher and her little new baby living with us too, and also the babies father was there alot, she didn't care. She still tricked me into taking the dog by abandoning the dog with my father, who just left the dog outdoors all day and night. After a few days his neighbours started to complain and my godmorther phoned me and was very angry with me, cause mothers dog was there. It had nothing to do with me, but like she's been trained to think, she gave me the blame anyways. So I went and picked the dog up and then it took me a month to make mother come and get her back. When I told her that I felt so very tired, like 80 years old, she just laughed and said she felt wonderful. I had to use my grandson's babtism to make her come and fetch her dog. Claiming I needed time to get everything prepaired as I was so very tired these days I only had small amounts of energy. A short while after the babtism I ended up in hospital. I have written about that many times before, but a month after I was back mother dumped her dog on me again, claiming it was just for a week or two.

She always lied when she said that, but then my family has been lying to me my whole life. I can't really remember any promises they've made that they have followed up on. They seem to love to make grand gestures and then leave you in the crap to pick up the pieces as they never follow through. It got so normal to me that I learnt to never expect anything from anyone at any time in my life. I had no expectations and I therefore was deprived of alot of things and opportunities as I never could imagine anything would come my way. My younger sister used to mock me for being wired this way, but she should be ashamed of herself for mocking a person she knows been mistreated her whole life by her own kin. She knows I am this way cause I was denied everything I wanted my whole life and only in very rare occations could get anything I wanted. I can almost count those events on my one hand fingers. It's cause sometimes mother could be in a happy mood and wanting to spend money on things she liked. And if I was lucky what I needed was under that section - what mother liked. For instance I wanted a long coat which would hide my butt as I recented that guys looked at it. So mother took me to a store with fur and leather clothing, which she loved to shop in. And she bought me a long, black leather coat, which I was very happy to have.  

That is one nice thing she did as she was nice sometimes, specially the older I got. She really does not seem to like small children. She behaves like they are a problem and need correction. Still she feels like she was a good mother as she was very clever with teaching babies to go on the pot. Atleast she taught me how to teach my baby sister to do it, and she taught my oldest brothers baby to do it, she's claimed. If it's true or not, I don't know. Maybe she's just bragging to make her daughter-in-law look bad, but I always try and give her the benifit of a doubt. I know it's stupid of me, but I've done that with both her, my second brother and my baby sister as long as I've known them. Always looked for the silver lining on the cloud. Hoping for the best and that it was just a mistake. And another and another. Too many "mistakes". Nobody makes so many "mistakes" by mistake. Nobody who knows me that well has made so many horried mistakes. I've known many doing weird mistakes, but many of those most likely didn't make mistakes either as some of those mistakes was just too perfect to be a mistake. 

For instance, my second brothers ex invited me over when I was pregnand and asked me beforehand very carefully what I could not eat, as she was working in the health sector she knew very well pregnant women often had foods they could not eat. So I mentioned that I puked of onions, anything of onions made me seriously ill and I could not even stand the smell of it. When I came to her it reaked of onion and there was not one item on the dinner table that was not containing tons of onions. It was totally ridiculous and it left me speechless. How can anyone get something so wrong? She was the one calling to make sure she didn't use what I was over sensitive against, what made me sick, and I had told her. I don't remember if I just kept the face and pretended to eat something and then left early, but I think I did, as I was always a very kind person who didn't want to start a fight over small "mistakes". But I have wondered ever since why she did like that. She was the one asking me. Mother has done similar things, asking me things and then doing the opposite from what I replied. I have always hoped it was mistakes, but who knows. 

Mother phoned me to find out what I needed to my household as I was getting married, and I told her about how much we lacked and mentioned there was one item we did have, as we've recieved two of those as gifts already. Guess what! She'd told the whole extended family that I needed this item, so we ended up with two more of them, but none of all the other items we didn't have. Her excuse was that it was my fault cause I had said we do not need that item and the brain can't understand "not". What a piece of rubbish as I'd clearly said I needed all sorts of household equipments, and only mentioned that item as that was the only thing we already had. Thanks so bloody much, selfcentered mother. At that time I took it as total disinterest from her, that she just didn't bother to remember what I had said in reply to her question, only being interested in how caring she came out by asking me what we needed. But not actually caring, so she didn't bother to remember what I had replied. That was my take on it and then when some relatives asked her what I needed all she remembered of the conversation was that item I had said we had two of already. 

To forget and be forgetful is not a crime, it's not to be disinterested. But to be so indifference to what she had caused due to her total lack of interest is. She blamed me for her mistake, remember. That is a crime, a moral crime. It was not my fault she had forgotten, so her blaming me for it was very cruel. It was her mistake and if it was an honest mistake and not a deliberate one, all she should had said was "sorry". But my mother never ever says sorry. I have in my whole life never heard her say she's sorry about anything. Whatever pain and insult she's cause another being she's never owned up to her part in what she's done and asked the person she's hurt for their forgivness. She's always blamed the one she's hurt. Always. It's like it's more scary for her to admit to be wrong, then loosing the love and friendship of someone close to her. I have no doubts whatsoever that she still don't feel she's done anything wrong to me, and that she's been making up all sorts of lies to cover up what I am mad about this time. She will never admit that I am mad about something that is legit to be mad about, instead she will make it out that I am confused and over sensitive. I know she will as that's how she treats everyone who's mad at her. It's never her - always them. According to her.

I have now re-told alot of the story I told in my first blog about my webpages, but also found some others to tell. Some stories just seem more important, so I tend to tell them again and again, from a slightly different angle. Most of these stories have been about mother, as you might have noticed, but some about the rest of the closest family of origin. I have not said much about my own family yet, as I have many more webpages about them. I do hope you enjoyed these family gifts. As you might have noticed I honor loving mothers alot. I wish my mother had been one and I have hoped my whole life that the good mother I saw in a dream, when I was very small, would win over the evil mother in the same dream. In that dream I were taught that my mother has two spirits in her - one loving mother who wish to do good by her children, and one evil bitch who wants to harm me as bad as possible. I was very afraid of that demon spirit, so when she told me like 7-8 years ago she felt she had a demon attached to her I truly hoped she was starting to get rid of the fucker. Then she gloated over the massmurder in Libya when that happened and my hopes went down. Finally I have given up.

The wedding party above I made in my own PSP-group. At the top of this blog are two gifts I created myself out of images provided in a group I attended. One is of the Russian tsar family that was brutally murdered by the bolsjeviks and the other is a mother and baby. Then there is three tutorial ones with little children, and a wedding graphic I made to an anniversal page for me and my husband. Below that one there is two more from tutorials with children. And then another one of my own creations using different pictures, like the old watch. The bride graphic is from a tutorial too, just like the wedding party and the flying pig below. To me it's the greatest gift to have children and my only wish is that I had had a loving family of origin who'd been able to enjoy the greatest gift together with me, instead of treating life as some sort of competion, where the best man wins, and the other dies. My second brother is the godfather to one of my sons, but he never bothered to remember. He never asked me to be godmother to his son, but asked the baby sister he hardly knew, as him and I had been very close our whole time growing up, inspite of mothers attemts to make him ruin my love for him. In the end he managed to do that himself, so today the feeling is that I will not have any more with those wishing ill on me - not until pigs start to fly...  

Magnolia Lane

World of Rainbows

I've been spending quite a time to update my website and deleting ugly gifts, or just small and old gifts. I put up those I deleted on my google+ account Magnolia Lane, for all to enjoy. It was a nice feeling to be able to do some work on the site and on graphics as too much time has been spent on dealing with the horrible behavior from my family this last year, that totally revealed once and for all that they have no compassion, no remorse and are not worth to spend more grief over. It's not as easy as it sounds to go "no contact" and then all is fine and dandy, so it's taken alot of soul searching and investigating into the matter of pathological families to wrap my head around this issue. But when doing all that I missed out on working with what I really wanted to do. And that is another matter that I've had issues with them my whole life. They always seem to want me to NOT do what I really want to do, but they always ignore, belittle and ridicule what I love and really want to spend time doing. So them making me have to investigate so much, to understand what was happening, in a way they got what they wanted. Me not doing what I really wanted to do. But I doubt they wanted me to investigate their pathology! 

I am showing some things from my first webpage here. It's called like you can see in the headline - World of Rainbows. There is nothing occult or mysterious about that name, as it's actually a reference to the fact there is alot of rainbows here where I live. I have tons of photos with rainbows over our house. I once started that page as we've moved down here from middle Sweden and the first thing I noticed was all those beautiful rainbows. In the beginning I had lots of photos and stories about the house, but many of the original material is deleted now. It's not as easy to find out exactly what house it is now, as I wanted to make it more anonymous. I did intend at the beginning to be very open and invite all my family and friends to my websites and did invite alot of them to my webgroup Magnolia Lane, but the reactions I recieved were very odd and not as I had hoped. Today, after all my research into toxic families that smear and scapegoat some people the reactions are not odd and peculiar anymore. They are perfect reactions from people who have been led to disbelieve and disrespect a person.

At the time I sent out my invitations I was very naive and thought everyone was avoiding me cause I'm such a shy and introvert person that they kind of had given up on me as I kept to myself. I thought, very naively, that they'd all be happy that I'd opened up, like a butterfly from the cocoon, and tried to contact them. That assumption couldn't be further from the truth. Today I do understand that it was never that I was too shy, too introvert, that was the problem. I know many shy and introvert young people that still are well liked and not treated like they had lepracy or something. They are seen as the sensitive, emotionally vulnerable people they are and actually loved and cared for by their families cause of those facts. They are appreciated as they want to help out, and offer their help with no desire to get anything in return. The family speaks highly of them and they say how sweet and helpful these youngsters are. But in a family with smearing and scapegoating you will find that none of that occure. What happens instead is that those smearing the introvert will pretend they have done all the nice and helpfull things he or she has done, and they will put the blame for all their own dirty tricks on the loner, who is not likely to gossip and find out he or she has been smeared and scapegoated. 

So what happened was that nobody wanted to join my group, which at that time was called Family Webnet. I had intended it to be a fast line for family news, like babies and birthdays, where everyone could send a little note for all to see. I had intended the group for family members only, but not made any decisions about how far off related a person needed to be. I was so excited and just before I started the group I had helped my oldest brother to invite loads of family to his mailinglist for one side of our family - father's side. In hinesight I realize it was a big mistake letting me send out those invites and not one of them agreed on joining his mailinglist. I don't know if it's cause of the smearing going on about me or about him, as we've been both smeared. I do think many more like him then me as he's so much more extroverted then me, and he's much better at ignoring insults and bad behavior from relatives. It seems to mostly not affect him nowdays, but there was a time he was very affected by atleast one person - mother. She had an accute nack of breaking him totally down, and I so regret not noticing all her little devious tricks when doing that. She used his own handicap against him, to stir him up and put him down. Her goal always seemed to be to make him feel totally inadequate, like him feeling good about himself deeply disturbed her.

It took me quite awhile to get it - that nobody wanted to know me and did not care for me. But at that time, back in late 2003, I was still very naive. I had sent out invitations to loads of family for my brothers mailinglist and I think one big reason I so much wanted to help him out was cause I'd been told 3 years earlier by his wife, that he'd been very mad at me for four years, starting in 1996. We'd been good friends at that time and we travelled to the US together. Also our brother, who's born between us, was with us. On the airport we joked about him feeling embarassed about us, as he walked far away from us. During all our stay in the US he actually acted embarassed. First I'd thought he was embarassed about his older brother, as he do tend to talk alot and quite loud too, but after awhile it was clear to me he was just as much, or maybe even more, embarassed about me. He'd asked me to drive and begged me to not tell his older brother he'd asked me. Then later on he told his older brother I was the one DEMANDING to drive. This is what caused him to be angry at me, according to his wife. Nowdays he does not remember any of that as he only remember how utterly mad he was about mothers behavior on that trip. She used my pregnancy illness and general discomfort to bully the oldest brother. 

So first off I was puking and not being able to eat anything, and freezing and not being happy, but on top of that the oldest brother had panick attacks and were mistreated for being claustrophobic and too warm. I had to sit in front in the car, not driving thank god though, but in the cold of the air condition, and he had to sit furtherst in the back where the air was too warm. And I got nothing to eat, while having to watch all the rest fill their guts with delicous food. That trip was pure nightmare, and I got so very ill in pneumonia for two weeks afterwards. So very ill. And worst of all - I lost my friendship with my oldest brother as they all set up us against each other with their little toxic lies. Like the one that I had been demanding to drive and forbidding my oldest brother to drive. That was why he was mad at me, and his wife told me in 2000. By then he had had another fallout with mother in 1998 and he was acting very odd back then too. I felt it strongly something was wrong 1998, now I know what, even though he's forgotten. I think his wife told him the truth I'd told her, that it was never me wanting to drive, but that I'd been forced. And that he then just forgot all about it as I was not guilty to what he had been told.

I drove only one time, that was from the airport, and that was it. I was so sick when I drove and everyone ridiculed how slow I drove. While I was totally sick! After that our sister drove the car, but from what I heard I was totally blamed as the culprint behind our oldest brother not being allowed to drive at all. As his wife was not with us in the US she must have been told by her husband all this, but last year when I brought this up her husband said she must have made it up, as it never happened that he'd been angry at me, or that our other brother had framed me as the culprint. Which is totally illogical as she couldn't had known any of that lest she'd been told by someone there, and I sure as hell had not told her anything. So her story ads up and she seems to be a sensible woman who actually record events as they are, and not like some like us to believe they happened. My brother, her husband, has admitted that he does get confused by the families little mind games and gaslighting, and he's really careful to not believe anything he does not remember himself. Which is why he does not really believe that our brother told him I was behind the driving issue and many more things he seems to have shared with others, previously, when he did remember events.

That is totally what they do to your brain you see. Make you forget. I remember things from that trip that never happened he will tell me. But I know they did happen. What he did remember now, many years later, is the big row he had with mother. He does not even remember he was rowing with me too! I was so mad at him for screaming in the car, as I was starving after a long day puking and nobody would ever let me eat anything. They had a joke on me conning me to order raw fish, which I had to turn down as you are not allowed to eat any raw fish when pregnant due to they carry something that will induce abortion, so I refused to eat it. And then I'd just been puking alot and when you are feeling sick you don't feel like eating raw fish. It was hilarious of course, to get the pregnant sick woman to order raw fish. Don't know why I was unhappy with that joke. The only one who seemed bothered by this joke on me was my oldest brother and he tried to be nice to me and ask me what I could eat. I was so tired and exhausted by famine at that time that all I could think about was potatoes. So all I had to eat was a couple of boiled potatoes, while the rest was stuffing their faces with delicous meals. I could smell their foods and I even got to taste the other brothers wonderful meal. I so wished I could had had something to eat too, but not in my family. I was always the one going without and they always mocked me for being so thin. Wonder why... Not really.

That trip made me decide to never go anywhere with my birth family ever again. There where other things happening I don't like to go into, many more in only a few short days. The end result was however that my friendship with my oldest brother grew colder. And after his wifes revelations in 2000 I decided to make more of an effort to make him see I'm not that canieving bitch our other brother is trying to fool him I am. I don't know why he did that - first asking me to please drive as he didn't trust his brother and begging me to not tell that he was doing this, and then framing me by telling our brother that I was behind it all. It's so very horrible and I've been very upset about this whole issue ever since I found out. A couple of years after my husband got a very horrible mail from my oldest brother. He said that since we were divorcing he didn't hence forward wish to have anything more to do with such a manipulating and false bitch like me, but would only stay in friendship with my husband. I remember this clear as a day, as my husband, in total bewilderment, showed me this mail. I mentioned this mail in another blog last year and let my oldest brother read it. He had no clue what I was talking about. He asked me if it was a mail he found he sent in 2004, as I at that time only guessed that it might have been about that year, though I had not much of a real idea really. 

It was just an ordinary day, and we were sleeping in the upper bedroom at the time. That was what gave it away to me, that it must had been earlier on. We only slept there for the first year here and then we moved down to the bottom bedroom. Now we are back in the top bedroom again since a year or two. But that memory made me see I'd said the wrong year. But the assumption it was 2004 made my brother find a mail, which he thought could had been kind of insulting. It made me laugh so hard as I must had been utterly brain dead CRAZY to had thought the mail he picked being insulting. How over sensitive does he imagine I am? That is one smear that they use on me all the time, the family. That nothing I say is real, cause I'm just being "over sensitive". It's a good one cause then you can totally make out something utterly ridiculous is what made me pissed off, instead of actually listening to what I'm telling did. It's a kind of diversion tactic by my smearers. As you might have guessed, like I have guessed by now, one of my worst smearers are this middle brother. The one who could not stand to walk by my side when we flew to the US. The one who put me as far away from the honors table on his wedding as was humanly possible. I've been so blind my whole life. You know what they say - love is blind. He's never liked me. I was born and took the sunlight away from him. He must so hate my guts!

Back to the horrible mail. As I said my oldest brother could not recollect what mail it could be, as he had absolutely no memory of sending it. I said to him that he sent it when he was still a member of his old church and that I thought he was not feeling too well as he was starting to have doubts. He then replied that I must be wrong, as he was feeling just fine and dandy in 2004. That is so typical my family! He made me make a guess about WHEN it was, and then anything I put forward is dismissed due to that one guess. The year was a guess, but my knowledge he was at the time still a member of his church, though starting to show early signs of doubt where not. And he focused on the most unsure issue of them all! I don't blame him for doing so as he's just been brainwashed his whole life to treat me that way. I'm trying to re-program him into seeing me as a human being, instead of that insane cartoon figure someone has implanted over my real humanity. After dismissing my claim that he had sent it, due to my claim he was not in a good way when he sent it, as he was feeling good 2004 the whole issue was more or less dropped. He could not remember sending ANY insulting mail to me and at the time I didn't feel ready to explain in what exact way it was insulting. I don't know, but it was still very hurtful the things he'd said in that mail.

Then things changed as I realized what had happened. Remember who'd lied to him about my canieving plan to rob him of his opportunities to drive the car in the US? Thanks to my beloved sister-in-law, whom I feel so totally ashamed of forgetting to wish a happy birthday once again, I found out about that affair. If she'd not meddled I'd never known. And my guess is that she told her husband, who forgot all about it as he'd wrongly been mad on me. He forgot that he should be mad at our brother who'd lied too. This forgetting game I have been through with a daughter in exactly the same way. At that time she also been mad at me for four years, but it was she herself who told me. I then set her straight and when she found out it was all her grandmothers doings, and none of mine, she forgot all about it. Not even remembering she ought to be even more angry with her granny now, as not only did she smack her granddaughter in the face for being thirsty, but she also caused her to be angry at her mother for four years by blaming me. It's both a blessing and a curse my daughter forgot this. A blessing as who wants their child to remember their granny being such an evil bitch, and a curse cause she still had angry feelings about me for many years. She only had forgotten why!

These events with amnesia made me think. They had both occured after the truth had been told to the ones being told lies. And both had during the time between the lie was told and the truth revealed hold anger towards me, thinking bad thoughts about my character. And both must then have realized he or she had been angry on me for things I had nothing to do with, which made it into unrighteous anger. To feel a grudge towards someone who's not done anything wrong towards you due to lies and deception makes you feel really bad about yourself, I know. You want to forget all about the event due to that guilt. So either you just forget cause the anger is now gone, or cause of this guilt, it does not matter. If you've been had, lied to by trickters, you will want to forget. And that is why I think my brother forgot about the car issue. And I think there is the clue to why he can't remember this awful mail too. I think, in my personal opinion, that our other brother had a finger in that mail too. I think, and I'm guessing alot here, that he'd been told lies and half lies by our mother and re-made them in his head into more foul things, which he then spread to the older brother, and then he wrote me that foul mail. I have no proof of this, but that is how terrible assumptions and tales are spun by those who loves to smear you with their poison.

Why I think that is how things entailed is because we did have a debackle back in 2001 when I had a sudden fit about divorcing my husband, which luckily went over quite quick and we made up. At the time I did tell both my brothers about a horrible reaction from the person causing me to get such an idea into my head. That is a typical hypnotic personality kind you'd not like to meet. I call them vipers who can hypnotize you into wanting all sorts of things and when you wake up from the trance you just don't know what you were thinking. When he did something quite nasty I did tell both my brothers about it and my oldest said he was a dangerous person, whom I should avoid, while my other brother understood his game. I did not. But after that I only spoke to mother about all the troublesome feelings I had due to this very charismatic person, who acted so irrational and over emotional, like he was madly in love with me one minute and the next he scared the living hell out of all of us. I now consider my oldest brothers estimation of that person the best, as he's in jail for trying to kill a woman.

Mother however tried to make me contact this man, and follow my emotions, which wanted to know why he behaved in this way. I am glad I knew better. I told mother that would be totally crazy as that would play right into his little game of claiming I'm stalking him, when in fact it was him phoning me making all sorts of propositions. I was just tired of being mistreated by everyone, and now of course I know he was a malignant narcissist who had been smearing me of reasons only his own deranged mind might know. He's of absolutely no interest, it's just that he was supposingly a friend to our family and he obviously wanted to break us apart and hurt us. So I talked to mother about the fallouts of his emotional abuse of us, and how he'd been misusing our friendship and behaving in such mad ways. And like I said she seemed to think it was a good idea to pursue such a friendship further and I disagreed. So who'd tell anyone that me and my husband was getting a divorce? I can't even remember talking to her about it, but my guess is that if I mentioned this to anyone it must have been her. And then I guess she told the lying brother, who made all sorts of assumptions and he then told the horror story what a bitch I was to my husband and passed it on to my oldest brother, who ended up writing my husband that very peculiar mail. 

If you knew our relationship you'd know I'd been tossing my rings every other week from the day we got engaged. It got so boring that I eventually stopped wearing any rings. Neither me nore my husband liked those rings anyways. Why would we need rings? If anyone of us would like to leave it would had been much easier if we never had married. I so totally concider marriage some kind of prison and I never will seize to think that way. Luckily I'm pretty sure my husband agrees and if my brothers think I was horrible for being touched emotionally by that charming and intense guy, they'd should know the truth before they make judgement. Cause that is what it is, to say it's wrong for a person to feel things for others. It's judgemental. Specially as they both like the company of women other then their wives. So why should I not be allowed to have some feelings for other people too? I am not a slave, you know, though I seriously doubt any in my family realize that. But that is what lay behind that horrible mail, sent to my husband long time ago, and which my oldest brother then forgot sending. He most likely found out the assumptions he'd made in the mail was untrue and deleted the memory. Just like the car memory.

It was shortly after this horrible mail I tried to help him out to get family to join his mailinglist and it was his list that made me want to start a group for my whole family, not only those on fathers side. I was so very enthusiastic and actually believed my relatives would be thrilled and happy I had put together this and done so much work with the page and everything, just for their sake. I was planning to make birthday pages for everyone, and making gifts and spoiling them. Showing all of them how much I loved them, as I've been too shy my whole life and not showed my affections strong enough for all to see. But it all flopped. Nobody wanted to join and I changed the criteria to join that you only needed to want to be my friend. No kinship required. In the end mother did join, just out of pity or something. My oldest brother said he had trust issues with me, and so did all of my family it seemed. All who bothered to make excuses claimed the integrity issue, that I was going to share their private information with others and that they did not trust me on this. Only my sister just claimed she had no time for that kind of thing. She'd been on plenty of communities with thousands of friends and she just didn't have time for the family one. Of course, all of those giving me these kind of excuses are active on FACEBOOK now. All but my oldest brother. 

After awhile mother made a scene about how boring my group was and left. She then tried to make me delete it for awhile. I did however change the name of the group to Magnolia Lane and redid the design from my other brothers spider to a beautiful magnolia my husband had photographed a day when we were in a park with his parents. It was a wonderful day worth to remember. I don't really remember when my oldest brother joined, if it was before or after I renamed the group, but he did join. He's still a member ten years later. I also had a few other very dear members for awhile, but then everyone went over to all the popular communities on the net and no-one was interested in these kinds of homemade groups anymore. Today I use my group to show off graphics and post interesting things on the mailinglist now and then. But most of all I post here on my blog and on this new YouTube with the addition of Google. It's not very good as all you post gets pushed down till you can't see it and I don't have anyone really into my stuff that I'm posting. I don't have any real readers or followers, I know. I would be surpriced if I did - not even my own family gives a hoot about what I'm up to so why should you? :)

As you can see I have not really written anything about my website - that is my rainbow site. It's cause there is not much to say about it. It's like all my sites filled with graphics and things to look at. There is not much to read, not any stories, but a few poems and wisdoms and a little bit of information. My sites are all more like paintings then living news feeds, like some sites are. They just are what they are. I try to have a theme on each one of them, and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not so well. This site has rainbows and a few angels on them, and there is some more treasures buried within. It's built on the love I have for my home and I wanted all my family to share that love with me, so I made it and shared it. Some people do this and all their friends come by and visit and cheer them on. I remember seeing that before I got a website back in the 90's. I remember my sister had one of the first websites I've ever seen, but it must had been her husband doing it as she didn't have any idea how to make one, I figured out years later. I was so thrilled by their website I just needed to learn to make one to. In 1998 I put up my first attempt. This one I think I made a few years later, and then of course it's been redone now and then after that.

Our home is call "Nest of happiness" and I picture it under the rainbow on my website. I used to use a photo of the actual house in the beginning, but then I changed it to a painting by an artist who paints landscapes and houses here where I live. It doesn't even look like our house, it just looks pretty. I don't have much more to say about this website. I had the intention of making it a website of our home, sharing photos and letting families and friends follow the work on our house, both inside and outside, and our garden, aswell as our children growing up. So at the start I had added my oldest webpages to this site, which included my old family-page, children-page, pet-page, cat-page and garden-page. I think I also had the old graphic-page here for awhile. Today all those are gone and I have new pages for those themes. Very different then the old ones. At that time there where also many visitors on my pages as that was pre-FACEBOOK. It was in a time before every second homepage was infected with horrible viruses. I can guarantee I keep my pages virus-free. 

I do hope you've kind of enjoyed the gifts I have shared on this blog. They are all on the webpage. The first and the second I did the frames to myself. The rest are all made after tutorials. A couple is made with vectors, like the one above and then of course the one with the bunny on. Those two I added own frames to aswell. I make these tutorials in my PSP-group, though the oldest two I think I made in another group I was a member in for a short while, until they tossed me out cause they all hated me or something. I'm not kidding you, though I think only one person hated me and she smeared me to the leader who then tossed me out. That is what smearers do - they lie about you to people who then toss you out from groups, friendship, families and all sorts of relationships. The smearers makes your beloved child hate you and they pull people apart who used to be friends. People who feel they need to make such remarks, which might have negative affects on others relationships, they are really not people you want in your life. I didn't know this was going on and I didn't pay attention enough. Mother did tell me I should not speak so openly about things with others, I only didn't think she was the one I should fear.

I don't know why I didn't realize she was not to be trusted. I did the same mistake her siblings did. I choose to trust her cause she looks honest, but she's not. I have the memory of how she lies to her mother and her mother gets really angry with me. Grandmother then thinks that I've been free loading on my parents and letting my mother serve on me, when the truth is the opposite - that my mother had been free loading on me. I'd been buying food, making food and feeding my mother and my sister. Father would never eat what I made. I did that several times every week and more often the older I got. Then just a month before I was to move away from home granny comes for a visit and there is this whole theatre going on where mother has made granny really upset with me. All based on lies. I will not go deeper into that memory now, as I've written so much about it already on other blogs. It's a very painful memory as I wanted so much for granny to love me back. She believed all lies she ever heard about me, but no more. I have met her so many times after she passed away, and she knows the truth now. She knows I am not that evil cow someones are making out I am.

Magnolia Lane