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tisdag 26 april 2016

Korkade Saker Folk Gör

34. Using silence as your preferred method of communication. If someone sends you a text, then you reply. If you have to let someone down, then tell them. If there is a date you cannot make, a deadline you cannot hit or an agreement you no longer wish to honour – then speak up.


Den här nr 34 kan skapa väldiga ledsamheter, då den som ignoreras tror den andre inte bryr sig, är arg på den eller något. Att ignorera någon kallas "silent treatment" när det handlar om sk "narcissistic abuse". Det är ett sätt att straffa, att visa den man dissar att den är oviktig, göra den orolig, rädd, försämra dennes självförtroende. I narcissistiska relationer används det ofta strax efter en "honey moon fase" där man varit i sjunde himlen. Att gå från "hot to cold" skapar oro, ångest, övergivenhetskänslor hos den som blir ignorerad. Det är därför jag känner det är så jobbigt att följa regeln "no contact" med människor som helt enkelt inte är trevliga och skapar drama och oro i ens liv. Känner mig som en liten skit som ignorerar, för jag vill inte göra någon ledsen. Vilket ofta lett till att jag blir ledsen genom att hålla kontakt med människor som inte är trevliga mot mig (nr 22 Treating others like crap).


Är det någon som bryr sig blir den sant ledsen att bli ignorerad, medan de som inte bryr sig förstås inte bryr sig. De flesta narcissister är faktiskt mycket charmiga, hjälpsamma och trevliga mot flertalet människor. Speciellt alla som har inflytande och som kan ge dem mer popularitet. De är duktiga på att få en stor flock av beundrare, som sen hjälper till att attackera den som de ogillar. Flocken kallas "flying monkeys" efter Trollkarlen i Oz, där häxan har såna som attackerar Doris. Du märker att du är utsatt för att folk brinner för att försvara något "helgon", ringer och orerar över påhittade förolämpningar, överdriver saker, snokar runt för att hitta någon skit att hacka på dig för, och helt enkelt bara kan se dåliga saker i allt du gör. Människor som älskar dig ser BRA saker i det du gör, och tolkar saker positivt, läser vad du skriver noga, visar empati för dig.

Se upp för DUBBLA regler, där du inte får bli arg ens för taskiga saker någon faktiskt sagt eller gjort, medan du ska skämmas och be om ursäkt för saker du aldrig menat eller sagt. Dvs du ska ansvara för andras fantasier, medan de inte ens behöver stå till svars för faktiska otrevligheter. Alla Flygande Aporna kanske t o m själva börjar med otrevligheter mot dig, för att liksom visa dig hur lite du och dina känslor är värda. Detta undergräver självförtroendet, och en klump av ren och skär ångest infinner sig. Om du försöker be om ursäkt för den inbillade förolämpningen ignoreras du troligen, eller får hör att du därmed erkänt att du menade det som de hittade på. Om du påpekar det taskiga i det som sagt om dig eller till dig, får du kanske höra att du inbillar dig saker, och är en idiot. Så du kan inte få en ursäkt, medan du ska be om ursäkt. Det här är det som kallas "double set of rules" och de finns för att narcissisten aldrig ska kunna förlora, oavsett vad denne sagt eller gjort.


Viktigt att observera är när någon använder absoluta termer. T ex "du hjälper aldrig till", eller om den som försvaras "hon/han hjälper bara till". Dvs allt du gjort räknas inte, lika med noll, oavsett vad som är sant. Spelar ingen roll för det tillhör HISTORIEN, och narcissister skriver alltid om den. Det som hänt i det förgångna kan man påstå vad som helst om. Om du ställt upp och kört runt och lånat pengar och brytt dig om den här typen av människor, kommer ingen att i efterhand erkänna det. De kommer inte att berätta för andra att du ställt upp, utan låtsas att du "aldrig hjälper till". Om du samtidigt hjälper en snäll människa märker du skillnaden. Trots att du kanske hjälper den snälle knappt en bråkdel av den krävande, så får du mer uppskattning och slipper någonsin höra att du "aldrig hjälper till". Absoluta termer är till för att skapa Svart - och - Vita situationer. Ingenting är så absolut. 

Ingen är perfekt. Ingen är alltid god. Vi blir alla arga ibland. De dubbla reglerna gör att när narcissisten är arg är det befogat, oavsett om det finns grund att vara arg. Narcissisten har rätt att vara arg bara för att du inte kan hjälpa till med kort varsel med någonting egentligen helt oviktigt, som att den vill gå på en fest plötsligt och kräver att du skjutsar, eller sitter djur- eller barnvakt. Däremot så har du som icke varande narcissist inte rätt att ens bli arg om narcissisten vägrar ställa upp trots lång förvarning, och trots att det är väldigt viktigt. Då sätter den villkor som kan bli helt omöjliga att tillmötesgå, samtidigt som denne målar sig själv i helgon-glorian bara för att den "försökt hjälpa till". Så om den kan undvika det genom att slingra sig, eller göra dig arg genom att skälla på dig för struntsaker, så gör narcissisten det. Din ilska är heller aldrig befogad, och istället perfekt att använda som bevis på din oerhörda ondska och okänslighet. 


Det här är så narcissisten kan spela på dina känslor. Du mår skit av att tänka på att du "sårat någon", medan narcissisten givetvis inte mår det minsta dåligt om du är sårad. Att få andra att tro att du gjort eller sagt något, vinkla saker till det värsta, leta fram saker de annars aldrig skulle titta efter och sprida ut det i syfte att svartmåla dig, är alla metoder en narcissist använder, som inte vill behöva betala tillbaka en tjänst eller skuld den har till dig. Det kan röra som om gentjänster, likaväl som rena monetära skulder. Ofta mår du så dåligt av att begära tillbaka något av allt den "lånat" av dig att du helt enkelt skriver av skulden och sen ger lika mycket till alla andra, som inte tiggt. Det var vad min far brukade göra varje gång min narc-bror tiggt pengar. Det är för att skuld-trippandet, orerandet om hur hemskt det är för narcissisten att behöva be om pengar och en massa sånt dravel blir för dränerande på den som snällt ställer upp. Man känner sig som ren skit.

Märk väl att narcissisten sällan eller aldrig bryr sig om att du mår som skit av vad den gör. Det enda den bryr sig om är om den själv eller de som den associerar sig med mår som skit. Om du varit i narcissistens farvör förut har denne säkerligen någon gång agerat i ilska över orättvisor du drabbats av, och som i förlängningen då även drabbar narcissisten. Kanske t o m varit argare än du. När då samme person, som förut var så på din sida, nu hugger kniven i ryggen på dig och ger blanka fan i dig, när det handlar om saker som endast är till din nackdel, blir detta ofta en systemchock. Du kanske känner att all energi rinner av dig? Du får fruktansvärt ont i bröstet, har ångest och kan inte sova om nätterna. Du förstår helt enkelt inte vad som hände. Varför är nu personen så emot dig? 


En sak du också lär märka i en sån här situation är att trots att narcissisten inte direkt var hjälpsam från början, utan väldigt otålig och irriterad, så får du efter du blivit sur på ohjälpsamheten höra hur denne INNAN haft för avsikt att hjälpa dig, men nu ångrat sig. Det här är faktiskt helt ypperligt, för nu har narcissisten lagt skulden på dig och kan friskriva sig själv från det som den hela tiden inte ville göra - hjälpa dig tillbaka. Efter att du några gånger drabbats av det här från samma person tror jag du börjar inse att den här personen helt enkelt ger fan i dig. Du är bara en korkad idiot som tror du betyder något, och därför någon man kan utnyttja. Om du trott du varit till ovärderlig hjälp, varit omtyckt tillbaka och att ni är ett "team", blir den här insikten ett hårt slag i ditt ansikte. 

Jag vill därför också peka ut punkt 19 - "Allowing other people to write your story. Save that for when you’re dead". Det här är det som gör det helt omöjligt för mig att umgås med många människor. De har redan bestämt sig för vad jag är för något. Det är bara det att deras bild av mig inte har mycket gemensamt med hur jag känner att jag är, eller ens hur de som verkligen känner mig tycker att jag är. Alla har sin bild, men om någon har en alltför avvikande bild av dig, mot hur du känner dig själv, blir helt enkelt samvaron med dem alltför obehaglig och ofta rent kränkande. De kanske tycker du är en halvidiot, som inte har något vettigt att säga, så de lyssnar aldrig och skrattar istället tyst så snart du öppnar käften och börjar tala. Det vill säga att de "osynliggör" dig. Den du är har nu ersatts av en fiktion, som de själva skapat. Och det är inte ok. Du har rätt att vara den DU känner att DU är. Kram.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane
Hur andra kanske ser mig - gammal och väldigt fånig?

 Här är hela listan från sajten:
1. Putting your own opinion to a fact. Unless you’re 100% certain – it’s not a fact, and you’re probably making it worse.

2. Waiting for something better to come along before you quit the thing you hate. This goes out to all the people stuck in dead end jobs, mismatched relationships, and boring social circles. Tomorrow never comes.

3. Not asking someone out because you think they are out of your league. Give them a chance to make that decision, not you.

4. Worrying about the traffic jam making you late for work, getting caught in the downpour without a jacket, or forgetting to get back to someone after you made a promise. Shit happens, get over it.

5. Thinking you’re more important than anyone else. You’re not. You’re just as important as everyone else.

6. Blaming other people when shit hits the fan. If it’s your own fault, admit it. If it’s not, then assume the person responsible is fully aware – they don’t need you pointing it out.

7. Forcing your religious beliefs onto another person. Well done – you’re a Christian/Muslim/Buddhist/Atheist/Jedi… whatever, do you want a medal?

8. Being afraid to spend money. You worked hard to earn it – so do something with it.

9. Waiting for a magical sum of money to appear. There is never enough – the sooner you realise this, the sooner you can start living.

10. Buying lottery tickets. See number 9.

11. Believing something to be true because you heard it from an authority. Do your own research. Form your own judgment. Trust your own instincts.

12. Ignoring your instincts. They’ll keep you alive.

13. Ignoring advice. Even if it seems misplaced – it probably comes from personal experience – which makes it completely relevant.

Kanske somliga tror jag har horn?
 
14. Refusing to watch a movie, read a book or buy a product just because it’s popular. One day, you’ll miss out on something amazing.

15. Looking too far into the future. It will never exist.

16. Trying to erase the past. It happened – accept it.

17. Ignoring the present moment. This shit is happening so pay attention.

18. Focusing too much on making a good impression. They will see the ‘you’ that they see – and there’s not a lot you can do about it. If you act with integrity, treat them with respect and look them in the eye – you’ve successfully played your part in their life story.

19. Allowing other people to write your story. Save that for when you’re dead.

20. Giving someone a lecture about a subject you know nothing about. People are remarkably good at sniffing out bullshit.

21. Treating your body like crap. It’s the only one you’ll ever use.

22. Treating other people like crap. See number 5.

23. Assuming someone is happy because they’re always smiling. Depression produces Oscar winning performances.

24. Blaming yourself for not realising something was wrong. You didn’t know because they didn’t want you to know. End of.

25. Suffering in silence. It’s not your fault. It’s an illness, and people give a shit. Let someone in – even if it’s one person – it could change your life.

26. Being scared of success. Fear is an essential part of life and expecting it to go away will always end in disappointment. Some of the world’s greatest entertainers get nervous before a performance. Some of the world’s greatest athletes are full of self-doubt as they face their opponent. Some of the world’s greatest entrepreneurs, innovators, and CEO’s question their own products the night before a big launch. Always be afraid – never stand still.

Vissa kanske tror jag är fortfarande ett barn?
 
27. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. If something isn’t working then try something new.

28. Aiming for perfection and avoiding mistakes. The person who never made a mistake – never made anything.

29. Living your life vicariously through others. Great writers will always take you along for the ride, but learn the difference between inspiration and imaginary. The brain is easily fooled into thinking it was really there.

30. Reading ‘The Secret’. The universe is just as lazy as you are. Do yourself, and it, a favour by at least meeting it halfway. Sitting on your fat ass and wishing for a better life is the reason why you have a fat ass in the first place. Expect brain-rot to kick in next.

31. Being jealous. It ruins lives.

32. Believing there is an ‘us’ and ‘them’. Quit your whining, work harder, and meet the right people – all within your capability.

33. Feeling pressured into following the crowd. If you really don’t want to do something, then you have every right to say no.

34. Using silence as your preferred method of communication. If someone sends you a text, then you reply. If you have to let someone down, then tell them. If there is a date you cannot make, a deadline you cannot hit or an agreement you no longer wish to honour – then speak up.

35. Following the news. It’s negative, untrustworthy, and it will not enhance your life in any way, shape or form.

36. Getting involved in online arguments. You may as well be talking to yourself.

37. Choosing the easy option. Everything worth doing was worth the effort.

38. Giving up something you really want because it’s difficult. Everything you’ve ever done was difficult at some stage. As a small kid you learned how to read, write, and recall 26 random characters – in sequence. You reached fluency in one of the most challenging languages ever created. You went from the comfort and safety of your home to spending most of your days in an alien environment cooped up with 20 likeminded strangers. You dealt with ghosts in the night, monsters under the bed, and lived in a world of giants. Do you think your life is difficult? Your 5 year old self is mocking you right now. Man up.

39. Forgetting numbers 1 through to 38. Go back and find the one which resonates with you the most.

Bara jag själv vet vem jag egentligen är...

onsdag 20 april 2016

When nobody listens, and nobody cares


Talk about being mad as hell... After having one of my cat's three kitties from 2009 living with his owner for the last two years he and his gf both beg me to take him back for awhile. I keep telling them I can't as we got the old granny still living with us, as her owner's fiancé is a cat hater, and so is his grandfather who owns the house they live in. With the old granny I have already 10 cats, and since someone told me at the vet's that was the max number you are allowed to have I tried to keep it there. Turned out I'd missheard and it was only 9. To a normal society and normal people that would not be a big deal. We live on a farm, far out in the country side, and they are neutered. But we live in a country that is like the Funny Farm of stupid assholes.

So I get harassed for awhile and guilttriped over how bad the cat is doing, how they feel and on and on until I give up and agree to take care of him for awhile. A few weeks goes by and suddenly some mysterious person has reported me. The unknown snitch tells a story that is semi-close to reality, but so over the top exaggerated it really is a lie. So the inspectors write up a nicer version when they come back after their inspection. When here I figure out they'd been told horror stories about horrible animal abuse, tons of cats and kitties (neutered cats - hello!??!) and abused dogs. There are specifics only a very select people know, like our cat room in the basement. It's big enough, it has daylight, but I understand that is not what they'd heard. 


By now they need to find something to pick on me for, so the visit has not been in vain. Who reported me? I tell the gf of the cat owner I mentioned above, that you know who it is by how they won't feel bad for you, as it's ridiculous they'd put the limit on 9 cats. Of course it's cause it is the same as 666... But before 9 there was no limit at all! So why not start with 20 cats as a limit on the country side? Then in towns lower? That would be logic. This is just plain stupid. So after I've told her how she can notice who is the coward, she goes and talks to her mother. (I bet she does not even consider talking to mother as talking to someone.) Her mother tells her to stay away from me, and that she should not help out and take any cats what so ever!

Remember, her daughter forced me to take this last cat, and I'd said I could not as that would be too many. Also, they'd already left the owner's older cat at my place some year ago. Back then I had another two cats left by another one who used to live in our house before. So all these cats either were left behind when they moved away, or they later on got dumped on me. What makes this so sickening to me, is that after the gf has talked to her mother, she also believes it's all my fault, and that it's the worst crime ever to have one or two cats too many. And that stealing from the state funds, tax money, is far less criminal thing to do!!!! I'm in shock. THEY begged me to take their cats and now I'm worse then a dirty thief.


Despite the gf being told how to recognize the signs of a potential snitch, she fails to do so. She heard my advice, but her brain is too dim. She ought to be blond... So that blond thing is just not true. She's a brunette. What is worse her bf, who first was crazy angry at the nasty snitch, also blames me and acts as if he is mad as hell at me for taking on more cats then I'm allowed!!! Did you hear that? He's mad at ME!!! After I gave in and let them dump the cat on me, totally against my wishes. What kind of people is this? I got so sick, and could not believe I'd heard it right. I tried to find out what they ment. I also keep telling them that it's the one thinking you deserved to be reported who's the one doing it, since the gf's parents were dead against them helping me. Instead of connecting the dots the gf accused me of calling her the snitch!!!

So I tell the boy that I did NOT believe she did it, but that she might had told "someone" too much, and that person did it. But the gf says she never told anyone. (I am pretty sure she told her mother!) Teens just don't really see their mothers as "someone", but just mom. The result is that I get angrier and angrier, as I made an exception cause THEY kept begging me. And now they are accusing me and despite me explaining that I'm not mad at them for things like me believing they'd done anything bad on purpose, but cause they keep saying weird things that I should give away my cats (I have normally not more then 2-3 of my own) and keep mentioning that I'd done some "crime". They'd told me the gf's mother is not as bad as me, as she only is cheating the state out of tax money.


My GOD!!! That is wellfare cheating and stealing from the people. I am now feeling so sick I want to puke. I don't want to see them. I'm mad as hell at them at this moment, as whenever they've had a tiny demand I had to jump or they'd freak. And now act truly unwilling to help me when I have a serious need. My husband screamed to them in the phone to shut the fuck up about what crime I'd done for caring for THEIR two cats. And now comes the punsh line, which you of course already realized. The mother could very well be the one reporting me!!! She knew they'd dumped too many cats on me, and she was well aware of the messy cat. I do suspect she is the sneakingly covert kind - as she's so cunningly cut me out of my own son's life, by play acting his "savior" from his worthless parents.

A normal, moral person would had reasoned like the other cat owner, who's dumped three cats on me. She was dead nice and said it was her fault for not taking home her own cats earlier. She did take one back, but not the boys as her fiancé forbid her, claiming his grandfather would toss them all out - with TWO little boys. Who'd do such a thing? That is just insane. No sane person would toss them out for some cats. Many unrelated hosts allow up to 5 cats. I have a very hard time believing he'd be that cruel. I rather believe her fiancé is a liar, and a sneaky one using his grandfather's cat dislike to keep her cats out of their house. I did offer to lend them money to buy a place of their own as soon as possible, and the young mom was really happy about it.


Then her fiancé said they'd rather wait and pay more then get these money interest-free. Guess he hates me too. I unfriended him on FB, since I felt so angry he cared shit for his fiancées wishes. He'll never let her get any of the cats she wants. He even phoned my husband and told him so. I can't help it - but at this moment I'm mad as hell at him. Unfortunely the young mom started to change her mind after hearing from the other couple. Now she thinks it's kind of my fault too, and that it's not really her fault for not fetching atleast some of her cats when she moved out. That I could had sold the cat to someone else, or whatever. In my book you don't mess with cats. If you've promised the breeder to take care of them, you do. I'm sick and tired of people wanting pets and then dumping them.

I'm sick and tired of draconian laws that serves no purpose but to terrorize good people. The bitch committing fraud on regular basis I told you about, honestly had them believe FEEDING and CARING is worse then stealing. She even had said it was the WORST CRIME you can possibly do - the ONE law you must obey. What sick bitch.... Well, if that is what she really said. The young couple said she'd said that. Either way she'd said it was worse then FRAUD. No, it's not. When you feed and care for animals you hurt noone. When you steal money from a pot, someone else will get less. The young man did try to pin the snitching on someone else, and even if I do agree it's a possibility, the vileness from his gf's mother, and the hate this girl is now spewing on me, talks it's language.


Before I took back the last cat she was fine. When I told her that I needed them to take care of 2-3 cats, she was fine, though not wanting to really. But not rude. After she'd talked to her mom she was a total asshole!!! And then she talked to the young mom, and she stopped feeling for me and felt I'd been hard on the poor thing. What??? They told me I was a freaking CRIMINAL and still I'd not attacked them. I kept writing a few texts wondering what they ment, trying to explain the situation, our options and so on. But I was NOT RUDE. I kept hoping they'd stop being mean to me, but nope. The girl was snappy and short and both refused to adress whatever issue I brought up with them. They replied to something else!

And no matter how I corrected them, they kept having that weird superiority attitude BULLIES have. My heart is in pieces and it feels like I've lost the young man now. I can't believe he could do this to me. I am stunned. I feel like he hates me, but of course I know it's just how any real mother would feel when her beloved son sides with the bullies. All I wanted was for him and his gf to take two cats and then it turned out they only needed to take one. I reported back happily, but any good news I brought to him was ignored. Then came some more nasties from his gf instead. It seems like he rather listened to what she felt and believed and imagined, then read my actual texts. My husband told me he indeed never had, so that is why I felt so in shatters. My OWN SON??? How could he? 


But I remember this happening to my mother once, but she's a narc, and I've been dead nice and helped them out so much. I loved them so much and now I'm so angry, so sad, so upset. They sided with the bitch who acts as if she's the one who reported me, since she told them to not help me out!!! How could my son do that? In a text earlier on the gf been siding with me, and told me about wicked things a mean friend of theirs had said about me. She seemed to be on my side, UNTIL the bitch told her theft is not so bad, but feeding one or two cats more then a new draconian law (2005) made it possible for our asshole rulers to now say you could have - now THAT was horrible. This reminds me of Sharia laws.

These people will soon believe those laws are right too!!! Just cause an asshat with a funny hat tells them so. It's just other human beings telling you this!!! It's not god. Just made up stuff from people. It might be juste, it might be terribly unjuste. This particular law makes it possible to be unjuste, and it's very new too like most dumb laws. My son used to joke about stupid laws. And this law he'd tell me was so dumb, so dumb. And now he tells my husband I'm a criminal for taking care of his cats for him!!!! There is something VERY wrong here. Something is just not right. And what about the young mom? She keeps people pleasing. Her fiancé, her bosses, her brother, and so on.


But just like most others she dumps me at the first sign of trouble. For a short while she was dead nice to me, and I cried as I'm not used to that. Then she bought the sob stories from the mean kids, whom she herself had bashed for their behavior towards me just awhile earlier. Suddenly she said they were stressed, under pressure, had a hard time, that the gf was suicidal. More or less the same excuses they'd told me for the last 3 years. It's never their fault anything, and they are to be pitied and pampered. Bloody narcs.... Even if it's my own flesh and blood - he's been tainted by his gf and her malignant bond to her scary mother. Sucks.... End of story. 

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane