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torsdag 26 mars 2015

Healing from Narcissistic Mothers

Typical is that a narcissist will try to decide for you. 
This is a re-blog of a blog from Linda Martinez-Lewi, which you find on this link:
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/healing-from-narcissistic-mothers/

I will start by posting the short little piece before I say anything, as I want you to see what she has to say first. There are some very important things which concerns all children to these mothers. But remember, such a mother does not have to have been badly treated herself. She might not be the one you should pity, like you as a child might be fooled to do. So read this first and I will comment more later on:

Healing from Narcissistic Mothers

I have a special place in my heart for daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers. When we are very young, we must survive the parents we were given -- our mothers and fathers. Mother is the one we are told that we can always turn to for comfort, protection, empathy, kindness and appreciation of ourselves as unique individuals. 

Narcissistic mothers are non-parents. They are incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy. They cannot attach and bond with their children appropriately. They use children as puppets to mirror them; they discard the child or scapegoat him or her. They are very cruel and dismissive and cause great pain to their children -- even the youngest child. 

As a child of a narcissist you often have to carry adult responsibilities.
At some point you know that your mother cannot and will not and did not fulfill your deepest needs. This is a time of reckoning where you know that you must act for yourself and learn to nourish and take care of yourself first. This is not selfish; it is essential. 

This self healing begins with small steps. Make sure that you do the essentials: get the sleep that you need and deserve; food that keeps you healthy; surround yourself with individuals you trust and are present for you. If you have a spiritual practice, keep it going. If you don't, define spiritual in the way that has meaning for you -- Find peace in Nature; feel softness and respite in your solitude; listen and embrace the music you love; write spontaneously and let it flow naturally; grow small plants that you watch thrive; cook and use all of your senses to enjoy the beauties of this act; exercise in the way that works best for you. 

Be patient with this process as a mother to yourself. Learn that you deserve the full freedom of being authentic, spontaneous, joyful, very funny and that you have access to all of creative gifts -- They are boundless. 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Both girls and boys suffer from having a narcissistic mother.
This is a very sad situation for the emotionally evolving child, when the mother is not there for them and wont pay them any true attention. With attention I mean actually seeing the child and not behaving like the child was a doll, or just annoying. There are many ways a narcissistic mother seem to be able to destroy their children and they often do it with different methods for different children. I do agree that a narcissist does not really love any of their children and seem to envy all of them. The one for now choosen as the golden child, will be the one the narcissist is helping and supporting, but only for as long as it pleases her and in most cases cause it includes shunning another of her children out, or their father out. There is always some form of exclusion going on, where the one not in favor right now are made to feel like the narcissist is in the middle of it all, surrounded by only loving and caring family. That's one of the tricks they like to play on you, the loving family trick. 

There is nothing loving with this kind of family and if you come from such family I'm sure you've wondered over this total lack of love your whole life. You've seen there is something missing in the interactions inside of your family compaired to a family you've come in contact with, where you've seen something totally different going on. In many cases however I'm sure that you've been drawn to families that resembles your own in some ways. But if you've met something else, and felt the different atmosphere in a family where the members actually support each other, I bet that made you think why that kind of emotional presence never been felt with your kin. Perhaps you went to a school and had friends and you became like a family, and what you experienced was so very different from how your own family behaved. Either way, you will most likely realize this one time or another, unless you embrace the narcissism as normal.
They are just a bunch of amoral liars really and they know it.
What is normal and what is not depends on what you put into the word. To one person it might be normal to travel a few miles away and then go around and shoot little babies in their heads and after a full days of normality travel back again and come home and cuddle with your own little baby. To me that would be utterly sick behavior, but I guess some might find that very normal. Still, whatever normal that person might believe this situation is, it's actually not healthy normal. So lets talk about what's healthy instead of normal. In a crazy world crazy might be normal, you see. So lets talk about how to make our world more healthy instead of trying to normalize crazy. The person shooting little babies in their heads all day and then going home to his own baby is certainly not a healthy person. That is a very sick person, if not a totally crazy person. It does not matter what amount of lies the person heard to justify such behavior, it's still crazy. To be able to understand what is a sane action and what is not, is also a sign of mental health. To accept the most weird excuses to harm others because of, is a sign of being mentally ill.

If you can see with your own eyes that what you are doing is harming another person, is upsetting them and clearly is not a nice thing to do, and you still go on and do it, day out and day in, then you are mentally an unhealthy person. That's really as simple as that. It does not matter what lies you tell yourself to be able to feel good about it, it's still nothing else but crazy. My example might seem extreme, but it's the same with all kind of abuse, where you go out and mistreat others as you have heard that they deserve it. You might work on a workplace where you are ordered to do horrible things to strangers, since someone else told you they deserved it. If you only obey without questioning it's still on you whatever you do. A human can never deflect responsibility due to someone asking them to do this, or being ordered to do this, or that it's only your job. Whatever you do you are always totally responsible for each and every action you do yourself. There is nobody to blame, there is only you and your own guilt for whatever harm you cause other people. Once humanity gets this alot of the horrors we see in this world will go away. 
As soon as you know it's not true you can start to ignore it.
Now I want to speak about the worst thing you can do in a relationship to another person. The worst thing you can do is to not believe in the other person, when they are telling the truth. Of course I understand that it's not easy to know who's the liar, when there is a conflict, but whoever you choose to disbelieve you have destroyed your relationship with, if that was the truthful person and you choose to trust the liar. This is the very worst thing you can do and something a friend can never forgive you, even if you later on would find out that indeed you were wrong and asked for forgiveness. It's cause you didn't trust them on their word and not until you had total proof finally realized your friend was truthful. It's too late then, as you've proven yourself not a true friend by what horrible things you could believe your friend could do. My problem is that those that betrayed me actually know that I'm telling the truth, but still are spreading out that I'm the liar and a thief. They might not first had known this, but when they heard I was the one telling the truth they choose to help the real liar to cover up her mess and help her accuse me and smear me even further. That is the most foul behavior ever by a person and that is in no ways a friend or someone you'd be around.

The first one in my family that betrayed me is the original liar and she is the one the rest have choosen to believe, no matter the truth. So on top of her I was betrayed by my mother, who knows that I'm the one telling the truth as I have a witness who has confirmed my version. Instead mother is helping the original liar and pretends she can be her witness, while she's just lying to help her out. So then we have another family member who also knows that I have a witness, and he has made accusations against me based on fabrications, to support the original liar and her fake witness. I have a mail were mother admits to never seen what she's supposed to testify about. But she might also support all the stories about me doing things and being on places that are all made up stories by the original liar to make her look good and me look bad. Due to the fact that mother is supporting all her lies and the rest of them seem to do that too, they are all deliberately ignoring that I have a witness confirming that I was not the one doing what she's done, and that I was long gone when it happened. It's the same witness who saw her show me a paper, she afterwards lied about.
Never forget as you need to get out of crazy to stop getting crazy.
What all of these people have done is the most hateful thing you can do to another person, as they all know that I'm telling the truth by now, and they are determined to ignore it and never admit to it. They refuse to apologize for their errors about me, or to atleast say that I was right. Nothing. They will in no way do anything that would help to mend our broken relationship or make me even concider the possibility to forgive them for what they've done to me. They are instead determined to keep up their charade and keep on their hate campaign against me. This is what the original liar has been calling what I do, when defending the truth as it is, ever since the very beginning when I refused to help her out in her house scam. Instantly she accused me of mental illness, of stalking her, harassing her, and bullying her, and making her very upset and sad. All the typical emotional stunts very clever liars use so fast when getting caught you don't have time to react before everyone is on their side. This is what con artists always do, before their trap closes in on their victim. They have set the scene already for the victim, while the true innocent party has been badmouthed ever so slightly for a long time.

That's the reason there is hardly noone that will believe the true victim of such master bullies, as most people know too little and only have heard the liar's tales. And the liar has always a tail of enablers at their beckoning and call, whom all been groomed to believe every word that comes out of the smooth talking liars mouth, and not questioning a thing. There is one more thing that is vital for a good enabler and that is the ability to not care. They will not care one bit for truth and that is the main reason you will have to stop all contact with all of the liar's enablers. Since they don't care for the truth and you need to tell the truth to get your name wiped clean from the liar's filth, the enablers don't care for you and they are not your friends and they never have been. This is the absolute hardest point for every human to accept when watching all they thought cared for them turn their backs on them, that not one single one of these people cared - ever. Those that don't care for you enough to listen to you and hear you out, never cared for you. That's a living fact. No matter how much you loved them and helped them out everytime they needed you to, these enablers show with this lack of care for you that they never ever have cared for you. They show that they never loved you.
Get away from disrespectful people who wont leave you to be you.
It's really not much difference then a brake up from a really bad boyfriend, who only cared for himself. I'm sure most women at one point have had such a relationship where you had to realize that the young man really didn't care one shit about you, but your relationship was all about him and what he needed. If you are only dating and you realize this you do the smart choice to get out of it as soon as possible. If you did not figure this out until years later, after you've married and have children things might not be that easy. It all depends on how far it goes and where your limits of acceptance are. There is only so much a woman can forgive and a man that does regret the worst selfishness and thoughtlessness might be possible to keep, if there is some love left. But a man that never regrets the hurt he's caused his partner and only cares for his own ways are just like this family of origin that I've left really. You cannot live that way, so no matter it's better for both you and the children to leave a man that does not care for either and only for himself. The children deserves more and so do you.

I liken this I'm going through right now by a divorce, but it's not a divorce with my husband, who's stood by my side and finally totally understands what's wrong with my family of origin. No, this is a divorce from those that should had loved me as I've always been there for them, but they have totally revealed their true selves now. It's all about them and they are cruel and heartless beings with no empathy, no conscience and certainly no regrets no matter how wrong they are about me. They all know I've been telling the truth all this time and they know who is the liar who makes up stories to cover her tracks. They know there was no paper mentioning her getting a house for 110 K, like they've all been lying about. They all know that father refused to sign that will, and that he changed the sum from 110 K to 210 K and then still didn't sign it. They know that the paper she showed me didn't say any sum, but only mentioned the value with words, like the market value or something. They know that as the house was insured that very year for 230 K. They only pretend they don't know as they have now all of them proved they've been in on the scam from the start.
No more confusion and weirdness in your life when you leave crazy.
The conclusion that also our brother was in on this from the start was the last thing we two others wanted to believe. We've hold on to the hope that he wasn't and that he'd figure out who was lying and come back to us and see sense, but he wont. At this point it's obvious he's known about the scam from the start and he's upset that we refused to be scammed. Nothing else. He thinks that he is better then us and that he deserves more, and that is the only way we can interpret his words and actions so far. He pretends to be hurt and that he's under attack, but he's been lying to us too all the time. He's been trying to make us believe things that wasn't true, and that our fathers words confirmed isn't true. Whenever father would oppose this brother of ours, mother would call me and tell me father had gone crazy, when in fact father was only telling how it was. But mother either rather believed the lies of her golden son, or she was in on it from the start. The same goes with her golden daughter, that either she just wish to believe her lies no matter what all the facts are, like some crazy cult follower, or she's been in on this sister's house scam too from the start. Anything is possible with people who lie.

That's the reason my mother has ruined her relationship with me for good, as she acts like this and I can never trust her again. Mother has been framing me with all sorts of made up stories to help her golden daughter out and one of the tales she seem to tell about me is that of the envious sister who can't stand it when more beautiful and competent women make it in the world. That is most likely a projection from either mother alone or both of them. I'm the one of them that have had no interest in a careere so this projection from mother does not make sense. It was she who tried to make me think that mattered, not me. I was just trying to stall her when she went on and on about how important a job was. I don't like jobs and my wish is that I could earn money without having to work for someone else. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do right now, and what mother is trying to stop me from doing. She's actively trying to ruin my chances to get a living for myself, and nothing else. And at the same time she smears me as much as she can with all sorts of lies she's made up, pretending she was married to our father, when she was not.
No more revenges sought by malicious ugly crazy women.
The thing is that the person that's been envious of my life is my sister, who had no husband and no job only 13 years ago when she met her present husband. Ever since they hooked up it seems like he's helped her to work on her contacts as they have been very focused on having dinner parties with the right kind of people. So my guess is that her careere got started after she met him, as I didn't see much of it before that. Looking back in life I've seen the green eyed monster many times in my little sister as I was the dead cute one, the small girl that boys like. She once told me that men like shorter girls, and one thing she's not is short. And despite of me being much older then her I've looked younger since she was 12 and I was 21, if you would believe it, but it's true. We are just very different and while she crave adoration and to be looked at by men, I could care less. I'm sure my disintrerest in men must have had her annoyed, as I was the kind who liked one guy and one guy only at a time, and ignored all the rest. I just didn't care if others then the guy I was in love with looked at me, but I did notice on a few occasions that she got envious when they did. 

So the projection by mother that I am the envious one is just another way for her to insult me and be hurtful. She knows that I've had my hands full with raising my four children and she knows that they are what mattered to me. My mother knows that I have an academic education, unlike my sister, so she knows that if I'd liked to I'd so much easilier been able to get good jobs and focused on having a careere. She knows that I choose to have children instead and focus on them as we've had that discussion a million times and she knows that it was she who wanted me to ditch my children and go out and work instead on a careere. My mother knows that was her dream for me and not mine, so why would I be envious on someone doing something I didn't want? That does not make any sense, but that's what my mother writes to me in her short and very insulting letters. That I'm an envious woman who can't stand it when others are more capable then I am. So where is the woman I'm envious of, mother? Where is the mother who has more children then me and who are more loved by her children then I am by mine? Where is that woman who have what I want that I envy so much? 
One crazy method you will get away from if you shun crazy.
Of course she might be out there somewhere and if I see her I'll be the first to tell you that I can see how great she is. I remember once I met a woman bragging about having six children and I was openly admiring her. But then in reality three were not hers, so she had only three children, and by that I now have exceeded her accomplishment. A couple of years ago I met my sister-in-law's sister, the one I've not met before, and she talked about her eight children and guess what? Yes, I told her how fantastic she was who could take care of so many children and that mostly on her own. Also, a few of her children were special needs children, so I felt she was a strong and special woman. Did I feel envy and a need to put her down, like my mother claims I do whenever I see a woman who have what I wish I had? No, I didn't as I am what I am and I think I've done a fair job and I'm sure I'd been even far a better mother if I'd had any help from my family and friends, which I've never received. It's hard to never sleep and to be so dirt tired you are almost out of there all the time, and at the same time be a fantastic mother. So no, I was not always as good as I wished I could had been.

This is what such manipulators manage to do to you. For years they put you down cause you have so much on your shoulders and you have noone who helps you. Mother's only solution was that I was to leave my children and go off and have fun somewhere. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did wish I had some help with all that was needed to be done. It's not easy to keep a clean home when you never sleep. I can tell you that only being able to sleep would had been great help for me, but for years I was never allowed to do that. And my mother knows all about that, and she never ever helped me in any way, instead she made sure I'd not trust her with my children as she assulted them to scare me from leaving her with them. Then she feigned innocence and pretended she'd not done what I or my husband had seen her do. There was no point in trying to make her admit to anything as all that woman will do is the same as her pet daughter will do, when found out. Feign that bloody indignation and then turn the table and pretend that you are the one attacking and making up lies about them. Oh, they are so good at this sick game!
Confusion make people go crazy as nothing makes sense anymore.
There is only one way to deal with these kind of envious, lying, manipulative people, who like to use you and make you help them, but who never are there when you need help. And that is to leave them and never look back. These people have never cared and that's why their only help have been to make things worse, either by costing you alot of money or taking up alot of time and energy when you almost wasn't coping as it was. When you are never sleeping, have no money to buy the most basic of needs, their solution is always something that will make you sleep less and cost you money. And then they will guilt trip you for your need of sleep and lack of money and force you to do things that you don't want to do, using your empathy and compassion. That's why they are so very evil as they know very well what's the problems you have, as you've told them as they faked being your friend, and that's how they know how to undermine you. I'm not sure how they made me do all these things I didn't want to do, but I remember alot of guilt when I didn't want to do them. They always twisted and turned all the arguments around and suddenly whatever I said sounded stupid and selfish.

So this is the reason you must go no contact with these deceivers and manipulators as they will twist everything around, backwards, and you will come out of it feeling you've been tricked into doing things you never wanted to. It can be to go to a party you didn't want to go to, or a trip, a journey or whatever. You will keep feeling guilty for the recentment you have towards them for not listening to you, and forcing you to do these things you could not afford and didn't have time for. When you needed help at home and some time for yourself so you could sleep one night straight through, you don't need to have guilt added to this for not caring enough for a selfish sister's needs and wants, or a totally uncaring mother's ideas of what you should or shouldn't do or need or want. Neither of such people cares for what you want or need and they lie if it suites them to make you look bad and that's why they need to be cut out of your life. These people, if left in your life, will make you feel horrible for many years to come, and who wants that? So, for your own sanity you have to take away what makes you feel bad, whom ever that is. To me it's those relatives as they try to make me go crazy by all their gaslighting and sick little games. 

This one is for everyone who needs a good laugh.
Finally, a funny picture! I like this picture as I agree with Lasse Wilhelmson that this world is upside-down. What is considered normal today is not normal, as most people look upon the lying narcissists as the normal ones and people like me who reveal their lies and wont accept these lies as the crazy ones. I think that either most people are sick liars themselves, or most people are totally naive and have never been lied to in this way. I've met alot of people both in real life and on the net who've experienced mothers and relatives that are liars, and all of them know that there are really evil people out there we need to watch out for. Those who have mothers that behave this way are the more awake to this illness and if they were the main target of their mother's lies they most likely are the most awake of all. Those that are most likely to defend the mother's lies are the one she's giving her attention to at the moment. Those who don't care despite seeing through the mother's lies are most likely the child that is just like her, a liar too. Those that did not have parents like this seem to think this behavior is normal, but a thing to be aware of, as it's how some humans are. I think they'd look at it differently if they've not had loving and caring parent, as that's when you see that there is nothing human about this behavior at all.

Actually there is something inhuman about this behavior as what real mother lies about her own children and make up sick stories about them? What mother would let people inject her own baby with something she knows could cause the baby to die? What mother would neglect to feed and dress her children properly and rather save up the money for herself to dress herself in fancy furs? I truly think that those people aware of evil out there would change their minds about what is normal if they've truly understood what things these people do to their own children. How they betray their most close relatives and stab others in the back over peanuts. It's easy to think that some people, out there, are bad and do bad things, but it's another thing to understand that someone you should be able to totally trust will try and ruin your life or even kill you. Not out of passion or any other reason then to gain pity and sympathy as they lost a child. That's what such "normal" people are able to do. They create situations where they can pretend to be the victims, but reality is that they themselves created it all and whomever they have framed is the true victim. This is the face of evil, if you ask me, as they show no compassion and only care for themselves. No, I don't think they are within the range of "normal", unless totally crazy is normal nowdays. In that case, where crazy is normal, I guess I'm not normal then as I could never do such horrible things to another.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane