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lördag 14 mars 2015

Contemplating Malice

Yesterday I watched many new videos about narcissism, made by people like myself, who've revealed pathological liars among their mist. The first realization is that it was never me that was faulty, but it was them all the time fucking with my selfesteem. They tried to make me not listen to my inner voice, but I always knew that I know what's best for me. I'm so happy that I ignored them as much as I did and if I could have I'd kept on ignoring them for the rest of my life. But then father got a heart attack back in 2005 and ever since then they've been swarming like busy bees, hungry for honey. But like the lazy non-bees they are they rather liked others to gather the honey and then just come in and grab it, so there were lots of bitching for many years that I should do stuff they didn't felt like doing. I have talked about all those issues already, so I will not go into them, but the thing is that father died. At first things seemed fine with the family. Now I know they were doing the "honeymoon" fase, to lure us into believeing all was well. Atleast SHE was doing this stunt, as I doubt the overt narcissists are capable of that level of selfcontrol. Those guys are best to be kept partly in the dark, I guess, and picked out when SHE needs some pitbulls to attack HER opposers. Which she did.
So I watched all these videos and I made many comments, a little too many. So I decided to not post them and paste them here instead. I think there is some stuff that might have some value, but most are just rants. I've posted many other blogs that are like this, and I don't think it's all bad. They catch alot of the emotions which will arise from having confusing, entitled narcissists in your family. Specially if you find yourself on the receiving end of their emotional abuse. Such as the typical torture of gaslighting, framing, blame shifting, verbal insults and so on. They are also always very active to do economic abuse towards us (in their eyes) inferior beings. They used to milk father and mother of as much as they could, despite them never having more then one child each. Mother has kept all such gifts secret, so not to give us any chances to fix her unfairness. But I know father tried to keep records what he gave, still he in the end had atleast given 600 K more to my sister, and some 400 K to his golden son. I also got atleast 300 K less then the oldest brother, but he had three children. He did have a high paid job for many years, something I've never have had, though I did have student loans and four children.

Only two of us children studied, and the one without children most of that time has received MOST help financially - the golden boy. So the reason I got much less from father was that I would not beg for money all the time? No, but this is the reason made up, and what I was told was the reason. Specifically mother told me this lie, and guilt tripped me for getting less then the others. Both my parents knew I'd received much less and both told me so the year before father died. How much less mother has given to me, compaired to her "darlings" I will never know, and honestly I would not want any dirty bribes from her anyway, if that ment to sign over my soul to her master. However, now she's framing me for getting alot more gifts then her darlings. She's one evil cow, as she knows the truth. I don't like to badmouth mothers, but mothers like mine are no mothers at all. I had no mother growing up, and made up an imaginary mother. I think I felt my fathers mother in the house and I have spoken about that alot with my sister, that I thought granny was there and comforted me. Granny's name I cannot tell as my sister stole that name from me when she became an adult. I wanted to give that name to a daughter, but she changed her name before it was possible.
I was quickly put off to complain about it, as mother guilt tripped me that my sisters name change was my fault. That's one of the many tricks such conners pull on you, that they blame you for everything, making out it's your own fault things happen that is out of your control. That's a form of mental abuse rending the victim feeling helpless and lacking control over their own life. Now I will not add any more thoughts to this, but go on to the comments I made to those videos I watched. Those comments I ended up never posting, but instead pasted into this blog. The first one is about my sister alot, and about all of this con over money, as she's obsessed with money and I now understand that money means more to her then I do, or ever did. I have accepted this to be reality, and I don't fall for the false words she and her mother are spinning to make themselves look innocent in all of this. It's very sickening to me how they do that, and I realize mother has been abusing her own siblings this way too, braking down their boundaries and selfesteem, bit by bit, pretending she "cares for them" after she's abused them in the most horrific way. Mother cares for money, and after she got it she could pretend she cared to lure some of them back. Except one who knew her, as it takes one to know one. I wish to learn to know without being one, so here goes the comments!

I raised my baby sister like a mini-mom to her, as mother is a selfish narcissist. It's this sister who's done it mostly (pushed me out of my extended family), with the help of NM and the GB. The weird thing is that NM has been divorced +25 years from that family I'm talking about (almost ruined and crushed dad when she did). Some truly believe mother is evil personified, and they STILL believe her and her two darlings. It's cause sister is a very convincing and charming person. I don't stand a chance. She and the GB convinced the lawyer that settled dad's inherence (millions) that they were "closer" to him then us two un-golden "scapegoats". So he split up stuff so they'd got like 25-30% more then us, by faking values. We then offered to buy them out, for the value they said stuff had (would make them get less as they'd faked it) and now straight out GB gave an offer, where he wish to buy us out for 30% less then what the lawyer said stuff was worth. He also offered to buy out our lying sister with MORE then they'd said stuff was worth, and hence revealing to us that we were not calculating stuff wrongly, and we indeed were intended to get like 30% less then them. I've been accused of being petty and cheap, while I've lost hundreds of thousands by wanting to ignore old gifts, which only the sister wanted to bring up.
I've lost tens of thousands on taking over dad's old car. But they are nagging on small sums, refrigirators, tiny stuff, and then giving insulting offers to show us that we are not worth as much as them. Demonstrating that WE don't belong on the farm our ancestors farmed. It was our granny mostly doing the farming and it's us two being bullied who look and act like her. Those two resembling NM is NOTHING like granny. Both on the outside our looks, and inside how we act, we are like her. Without granny I'd never known love as she was with me in spirit from I was a baby. I could feel her hug me in the closet when I cried. And I knew it was her. I wanted to name my firstborn after her, so my sister took granny's name as soon as she became of age. As to say that SHE was my firstborn! She's always been slagging my children off, and it's quite clear to me she's dead jealous that I love them MORE then her. Of course I do! My biggest fear, besides getting a miscarriage, when pregnant was to get a child like her. I believe she's a sociopath, as she has no empathy, no emotions, and she frames others for stuff she just "had to do". Like killing a kitty, putting a forest on fire, stealing stuff, and so on. 

On the surface she looks very innocent however. Shows NO emotions, totally blank. People here believe that is cause the person has deep emotions, and they disbelieve people crying and acting out in frustration, showing temper. She's very clever at never doing that and always saying the "right things". Our NM and GB are her flying monkeys, and they confirm together everything the others say. That's why so many believe them, as they work together to defame and destroy me. They've been doing this towards my oldest brother for years, so I know how they work. I also believed alot of shit they said, but since we were friends too it didn't work too well. But then I found out that he was told lies about me, and he sent me a hate mail in 2002 or 2003. Obviously he'd heard smear about me. I now understand that when they realized that we were friends they needed to brake us up, so they took something I've said to NM in confidence a year or two earlier, and they exaggerated it. I'm a sensitive and I've always felt very unwanted in my extended family. Like people were MAD at me. After my sister killed an aunts kitty that very same aunt told me my sister was a saint, and that just made me crinch, so I just had to say something.
All I said was "well, she can do stuff too" and nothing else and I was totally shaking in my whole body so scared I was for opposing them when I said it. She was comparing my sister to me, making out that I was the more evil one. According to her my sister was the saint, not me desperatly trying to save her kitty from my sisters murderous claws. To that remark from me, both aunts smirked at me and lashed out that I was a very nasty person! I was nasty for trying to inform them that my sister was NOT a better person then me?  They were nasty aunts who never hugged me or loved me when I was clearly being abused by NM. Once this same aunt gave me a coin after she saw NM hit me in the face. Did she really think that was just for show and that she was much kinder in private? They plant ideas for years. Now I understand why people thought my sister was a "saint" while she deliberatly killed aunt's kitty (to spite me, people I've talked to seem to agree this was the reason, not harming the kitty per se, as I tried so hard to stop her, but failed). She also burned down a forest - very "saint like". She framed a friend for that. She stole lots of my most precious belongings and gave them to friends. Framed friends for a few of those thefts too. 

Now I understand they did the same with the brothers, framed the older one (or me!) for things the Golden boy did, therefore people thought the Golden boy was a saint, and his brother a "trouble maker". He used to REACT big time and jump on his brother trying to beat the crap out of him for the nasty things he did. That was exactly what the narcissist brother wanted him to do! But he knows that now, and the older one NEVER reacts - ever. But now they use that as an excuse that he's feeling "shame and guilt" and therefore is "unable to speak up for himself". They twist whatever you do to their favour. They make up stuff you've made. For instance, for 2 years they've been telling "everyone" about me and what horrible things I'm supposed to have done (the latest framings by my sister). One of the nasty things I'm doing is having a "smear campaign" going about her and also the GB. I call their made up smear campaign "smear anonymously" as that's what it is. Remember - THEY are the ones telling lies and shit about me to "everyone", and they have informed us that "everyone agrees with them" that I'm a horrible person for doing all this shit towards them. In reality, everyone agrees that what THEY do towards me/us is horrible, as they are twisting the story backwards when they spread their tales.
So if it's true - which I know it's not - that everyone agrees with them, it's cause the story is turned around. What I'm framed with is 100% what the golden sister and brother are doing, and also what all their enablers and flying monkeys are doing. They do however manage to make new people believe that I've done horrible things, as people tend to believe there is a "row" or some kind of "fight" going on between people slagging each other off and lying about each other. People are so dumb. That is what the psychopaths wish to accomplish - atleast their victims must take 50% of the blame! I am 100% innocent in all this and I only have told the truth, as I know it. I've never written ONE word about them using their NAMES anywhere. I've not even mentioned this fight to any of our common relatives, except very dry trying to explain the matter - what physically DID happen - to an aunt who attacked me with emotional abuse about how insensitive and non caring I was to my birth family and my poor siblings!!!! That happened shortly after my sister had make horrible lies about me, and her husband had threatened me with the police for refusing to lie. So due to that I did try and explain to her she got everything wrong, I was not being "difficult" but I was in my right as I had seen the proof and I had a witness confirming I was not the one lying about it. So I was NOT making trouble, she was for refusing to follow her agreement with father.

Last year my NM phoned me shortly after I'd had a dream where I had told her everything I was mad at her for. So I told her some, and when I felt like not telling her more I just hung up. Awhile later she phoned me again and I told her straight out to NEVER get in touch with me again unless she was prepared to apololize for those things I'd mentioned (my oldest brother had already told her the very same things 1½ years earlier, that she must apologize to me for exactly those things before I will speak to her again, so she knows). But she said she didn't know, of course, and that she never done those things. Then last month she did exactly what she said she never has done. She tried to hide it, but since she let my oldest brother know I found out. She lied to me and swore she NEVER done that, and never intended to. And then she went on and did it again! But she NEVER apologized for doing it in the first place, and then thinks it's okey to do it again. And again. But she never has done it - afterwards. These are sick people - sick of lies and deception. What she's doing is LYING about me. She meddles with legal affairs to make sure me and my children get much LESS then her golden children, particulary my sister, whom I stayed at home until 22 yrs old to take care of, as NM would not care for her and dad needed help.
Now NM has bribed that bitch for so long, with hundreds of thousands, and helps her to rip me and my children off. Using lies. NM swears falsely on things she just makes up, lies that she was married with dad long after they seperated and after the divorce had come through, making it out she was there and knows stuff, when she was not. Pretends she's part of all dad's life, when she was not. So she lies and pretends she knows stuff to make sure I will loose. I now realize why she stole a paper dad had asked her to deliver to me, which was worth alot. She kept it for a long time, until I atlast managed to make her give it to me. By then it's lost half it's value. She told me she'd done it to "help me"??? What the...??? How can ruining dad's help to me be "helping me"? We needed that money NOW, and she made sure we didn't get it. She took all dad's money in 1992 and when we were hit by the economic collapse that year she helped us NOTHING. She even bitched over us not being able to buy a ticket to an island, after she had talked us into putting money on going down the country to come and see her. She tried her best to make us pay our own tickets, but we had NO MONEY, and all along she had millions in the bank (in todays value). She's been pretending to be "poor" to me all my life, while wallowing in her inherence from her parents and the money she conned out of dad.

Now I know as I found all this proof in dad's house after he died. Now I know she ALWAYS lied to me and tried to harm me and my children. She gave her Golden children hundreds of thousands, and I most likely don't know half of it. Only ONE painting my sister got in the 90's I now have found out was worth ten times as much as I was told. I thought it was worth 10-20 K, but it's worth 100-200 K. Now I understand why sister could buy the whole house after she divorced, while having a low paid job and soon after she got sacked. Now I know why golden brother without a fulltime job could "buy" NM's house by the sea. She GAVE it to him, or atleast VERY cheaply. Of course. It was my mother-in-law who told me that my NM had told her that once. She thought I knew, but I didn't. My NM has been slagging me off to my parents-in-law so they mistreated me for years. It took a very long time until they realized they'd been conned by the bitch. When their own son told them about his mother-in-law they would not believe him. Now they do. I told father-in-law that I'd found out NM filed for divorce 2 months before I was due to give birth to her first grandchild. When I was giving them a grandchild dad was in pieces, a broken man, due to this. Thanks NM for being so considerate, for "caring" so much for the family and your grandchildren! (Sarcasm)
Last Christmas she was here was in 2011 and she was horrible. The worst of it all was when she openly admitted to us all that she'd forgot about my grandson - that he EXISTED. How can you even admit to such a thing? She's NOT demented, she's just evil and she does only care for herself and her evil little schemes. In her mind they make sense, but they are made up stories to make her into a hero and those she wish to destroy into devils. She's the devil, if you ask me. You always give her the benifit of the doubt and she fools you. She disappoints you - just like her two horrible children. It's all about THEM and THEIR RIGHTS and what THEY NEED. Everyone else is unimportant - does not matter. I don't matter, my children, grandson, and all the rest of us - as we are not THEM - do not matter. Our feelings, our health, our lives, our dreams, our love - nothing matters. Only them and their checkbooks matters. Their MONEY. Their POWER to rule and make rules matters. They are the decievers, the liars, the devils of this world. Here is a live example (that you cannot reason with a narcissist). Dad died and ever since then the narcissists (liars) have been trying to get MORE. At first the lawyer we took in (cause we could NOT reason with them) said we were all EQUALS. Then after awhile he agreed that THEY had bigger claim to the estate!

So he made a plan to settle the estate, where they got 3 million, and we got 1,5 million. To make it even they would give us 0,5 (netto), which would somehow add up to be the same. Only... He's used the estate to "give" us our money, and by using our narcissistic sister's estate agent he invented that a little rotten piece of land was now worth 1,5 million. I talked to the agent and he lied straight in my face - claimed the land contained full grown forest worth 1,5 million. I looked at the forest plan - all LIES. It contained ZERO full grown forest! We made a little calculation and came up with that they'd indended to give THEM 1 million MORE then us (in brutto)! That was the truth. So we had no choice but to go to the bank and ask for a loan to BUY the whole estate. And we gave a good offer to them, based on THEIR own figures. We even added 50 K MORE to their 1/4 parts. Guess what? The narcissist brother would NOT accept it. He has to WIN. So he now has offered us 150 K LESS to buy us out. It shows that he indeed thinks we deserve much less then them, as that would make (brutto) 1 million less to us. He offered us two scapegoats that, while he offered his GOLDEN sister the same as we'd offered! Only he had used a house, which in the end she'd be able to sell for far more. By doing that he showed us ALL that he did NOT believe in EQUALITY. 
That not only did he and his golden sister think they are closer connected to this land (dad's parents land), but they are also MORE deserving of the inherence. It's in your face obvious now. No trying to hide it with over valuing a piece of worthless watersick woodland, but in your face "here it is". We are only worth to get (netto) 1,3 million for our part. That's what he said. While they should have 2,2 million. That is almost a million, indeed. On top of that I've received hundreds of thousands less gifts then he ever did, while I have FOUR children and he only got one. He got just as much as his brother, a little more including non-monetary benifits, but his brother has THREE children! I calculated their gifts as this: golden boy has gotten about 750 K (includs the rent free building) golden sister about 900 K (includes rent free house), oldest brother about 600 K and I exactly 300 K. And I'm the one having FOUR children, more then anyone else. Sister has only one with a wealthy guy with no other kids. So I'm not able to even get my 1/4 of the estate, according to this horrible NARCISSIST. He has to destroy me as he hates me for having FOUR children. His dream was to have four and he had set his mind on sharing my wedding day, but luckily his plan didn't work out and I got my wedding day for myself.

He believes he owns me and he's been destroying my relationships with boys, deciding who I would date and all sorts of things when we were young. A brother should NOT meddle with these kind of things, as he's not my owner. He hates me for not being his slave anymore, for braking loose. I think he needs a shrink, as he has seriously issues as he cannot handle rejections. I wont do as he tells me anymore, and I will NOT accept that I'm less worth then my sister. I'm atleast as much worth as her. But in my opionion I'm more worth, as I've done none of those sick things she's done in her life. Her moral is very low, she's a selfish materialist, she's crying over peanuts, and sends her husband to yell at me, calling me "cheap" for not wanting to pay MORE then we'd agreed on. Much more. If I agree on one sum, she'll try and force me to pay the double. Always. She never pays her debts and then spreads out I'm the cheap one. She's now bickering over tiny sums, bitching she'll not get "rewarded" for small amounts, while we've offered her 50 K extra. If you give them 100 K, and think that would cover the 1 K you previously owned them, such a person would bitch over those 1 K forever! Then calling YOU cheap for "refusing to pay what you owe". And then you just gave her 99 K for NOTHING. That's how these kind of malignant people are!
These may be of help - click on the links:
The Narcissist's Victims - http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq38.html
Victim Reactions to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths - http://vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders70.html
Mourning the Narcissist -  http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq68.html
The Three Forms of Closure - http://vaksam.tripod.com/abuse17.html
The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist - http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq6.html
Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him? - http://vaksam.tripod.com/5.html
Traumas as Social Interactions - http://vaksam.tripod.com/trauma.html
How Victims are Affected by Abuse - http://vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html
How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - http://vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing - http://vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html
Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist - http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq80.html
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - http://vaksam.tripod.com/journal27.html
The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq66.html
Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder - http://vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html
The Dependent Patient - A Case Study - http://vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html
Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome - http://vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily.html
The Cult of the Narcissist - http://vaksam.tripod.com/journal79.html
Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners:

Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial: 

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy: 

Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity: 

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy: 

I miss him so much - I want him back! 

Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links:

The Narcissistic Abuse Study List - http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/
The Toxic Relationships Study List - http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/?
All the above links I got from Sam Vankin, also a son to a malignant narcissistic mother. He however realized he was also inflicted - like most children to narcissists are - with the ailment and I think he evolved by studying and learning. However, I watched a documentary done with him after he published his book and he did a test. The documentary claimed he was a psychopath, which was a lie, as he tested 19 on psychopathy, and you need 30 to be diagnosed as one. I don't remember what he scored exactly on narcissism, only that he wasn't that either really. He was a little bit of something else, which I think was something many children of narcissists became, while not really being 100% narcissists themselves. Remember that we are taught how to behave from our parents, so we mimic them, hence we might on the surface behave kind of narcissistic, while not actually being. Narcissists are very cruel beings, who gaslight, fuck with your mind and deny reality. They know what's true, but prefer the lie as they think it either will benifit them, or it's just fun to torment others with it. Like I said, they are very cruel. Most children to narcissists don't behave this way, but might if they are enabling their cruel narcissistic mother or some malignant sibling. It's therefore hard to know WHO in a family who's the root cause of the evil, as so many will join in and behave appalling towards the target. I hope you got something out of this, thanks for reading!

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane