This is a very short blog, but important. I've written extensively on these matters and read so much more from others who had the same kind of homes, or worse. Some homes are very violent, full of rage and open insults, while others are more covertly abusive, more unspoken, silent almost. The ways to ignore a child or make her or him suffer seems endless to the perpetrators. Many speak of the importance to constantly lure you back, to play the push and pull game on you, so horrible as it might sound with highly loud and over the top aggressive and ridiculous narcissists in your family, that is almost easier, as it's easier to put up a boundary towards. The creepy kind is those who play the benevolent card, where they act like they do care and are looking out for your, while in reality undermining you. This condition is most common, not that over the top, as drunken, crazy parents beating their children every day would be, but mostly a very hidden away infliction. Actually many of the most highly regarded parents in society are of this kind, hiding their true nature behind closed doors. Their children will become puppets to them, mere extentions of their parents. I will not linger on about this subject as I have written so much before, but this is an excellent piece, short and sweet, and I agree with most of it whole heartedly. It is truly not a lovely place to be, growing up seeing one child deemed as sacred almost, with abilities that cannot be challenged. All the while seeing yourself or a sibling be shredded to pieces for never being good enough, laughed at and ridiculled.
I have seen that alot in my childhood as I had a brother of both kinds and I believe the play I had with my dolls, that disturbed me so much, came from what I had witnessed. I have recorded that play in swedish on another blog here. In short the mother punished her choosen bad child for any misdeed her choosen good child did. The bad child was yelled at, smashed in the floor and hated. All the while the selected good child smirked in contempt. I hated the "good" child cause of all the pain and hurt it caused the "bad" child, who in my opinion was the truly good child. I looked upon the "good" doll as the truly evil one. In my role as mother I hated the child I knew was good, and adored the one I knew was evil. But as myself I loved the real good child to pieces and could not stand the fake and lying child. When I played that game I was always in a very strong emotional state, crying over the fate of the poor actually good child. I cried and cried after I had played the role of the mother, who'd beaten that child again and again, screaming profantities to it. That is why I think it must had been related to the memories I have of one of my brothers being beaten and also of me being beaten, while the choosen good brother was definitely never. I remember how I contemplated this difference as a small child, how he was never beaten and the only one of us having birthday parties. The exuse I believed in was that he was not ever beaten, whatever he did, cause he was good. And the parties only he had cause as a good child he was the only one with friends. None of that makes sense really, but so did none of any excuses I ever came up with as a child. I don't remember who put the excuses in my head, but I suspect it must had been a grown up.
I wondered alot about issues like this as a child and my beaten brother has told me he does remember he got beaten once, cause of something everyone knew for sure his brother had done. He could never forget that as it hurt him on a deep level, that it didn't even matter to the parents that they knew he was innocent, he still had to take the blame. This definitely has never ended and that is why this brother to this day believe himself to be a saint, with not faults, while us two others are horrible scumbags. The truth is that is the opposite of the truth. Both of us selected bad children grew up to responsible grown ups trying to do our best, to avoid further guilt shifting by others as well. Neither of us can stand to be dumped others guilt on and we try to carry our own as mature adults. All the while the choosen siblings of ours have both choosen life styles far from ours. Where we've focused on moderation and soberness, taking care of our families and many children, they have fornicated and abused alcohol and had more partners I dare to remember. They have both done what pleased them, travelled whereever they liked and always blaming someone else for their failures or just shoved all under some carpet. There is no way to surely know what they have done, as I most likely only know very little, but the little I know is so much worse then I could ever dream of doing myself. So while they were taught they could do anything, and still come out of whatever mess smelling like pure white roses, us two others were taught to work our hardest to do nothing wrong and always expect to pay for others mistakes anyways. That is what parents like this do to their children, they teach them to be arseholes or scapegoats, and neither is a good lesson to learn anyone.
Here is the blog that made me ponder of these issues:
Siblings of Narcissistic Brothers and Sisters–You Deserve to Heal
Mother dismisses her other children as inferior. She makes fun of them, tells them they can’t measure up to the chosen child and that she is too drained to listen or do anything for them. These narcissistic mothers have their priorities. The “imperfect” children are treated as servants in some cases. They do the cleaning, cooking, errands. They even pick up after the golden narcissistic child. One of the most painful incessant patterns is that they are constantly compared with the chosen one as inferior, lazy, dumb, ugly, a behavior problem, untalented, socially backward.
Those who survive this nightmare background need to take time to sort out who they really are. It certainly is not what their narcissistic mother projected on to them. That was coming from her dark unconscious. Some of them find that quality psychotherapy helps them acknowledge and experience their pain with a strong therapeutic alliance. Other forms of healing are learning to quiet the mind, gentle yoga and of course the use of your many creative gifts. Self care is the beginning of this process—getting the sleep that you need and deserve, taking time for yourself to use your creativity in every way that gives you pleasure and peace. You are rediscovering your true nature. This process continues throughout your life.
Some psychologists have said that the worst thing you can do to another human being is not to slap them or beat them up, but to ruin their own self, their trust in their own abilities to know what is real and what is not. Which is what they call "gaslighting" is all about. That is why they call that the worst you can do to another human being. Physical pain you can escape with uncounsciousness or some kind of dissassociation trick many abused children are known to use, where you put your mind outside of your body to avoid to feel the pain and humiliation of the physical abuses. This is also true with sexual abuse, where the children is known to watch it like it's another child that is happening to, as they are not in their own bodies at the time. Those saying split personalites are not possible are all lying, as that is a well known fact this is how it is done. People run away in their minds when bad things happen to their bodies. But when bad things happen to your mind only there is nowhere to run. Gaslighting is used to make people crazy and that is why it's considered one of, if not the worst way of treating another human being. What you do is that you have a few others helping you to con a person into believing he or she is not seeing and understanding reality as it truly is. You can use many more people in this scam then only the ones who truly know what is going on, as you can con others into believing your victim is delusional. This is something that was quite prevelavent in my household growing up, and I quickly learnt there was nothing to be gained to try and convince any in the family of the truth, as the only truth spoken was of their selected golden child or by mother.
They have played this trick on father for many years to psyche him out totally, as he had a bad heart and much money they all wanted. But as children it was more used to cause minor pains and I remember lots of fights between my brother due to this, as it makes you furious when first confronted with the lies, but eventually it wears you down until you barely find any point in making an issue out of it. I remember more starting telling them plainly they were lying and that if I'd had a recorder of what had been said I could had shoved it in their faces. Funny thing is that now I do have such a recording, but of what I have said, and still they are lying about me saying something else. And I'm sure most believe them as they have been taught they are right, so they look like they are right, while they are gaslighting and lying. I've been talking alot about a major gaslighting trick they pulled on me and caused me to go no contact for good with my golden siblings and mother and anyone siding with them. They truly tried to get everyone, including my husband, on their side to bully me into believing I have gone crazy and was imaging things. No-one has ever been able to gaslight me into believing that ever, as I am a strong spirited person since the beginning, and I do know what I know and I also know when I don't know something. When I am wrong I am quick to change my view on something, but when I know something for sure I will not, no matter how horrible gaslighting and mind fuck they through in my way.
The worst thing that was thrown at me came from the baby I had raised and taken care of since she was born. I have told alot about that betrayal, so I will only mention what hurt me most and which she of course knew would hurt me most, which was why she accused me of it. Among all the vile and sick things she claimed I was doing towards her and in my general attitude and personality, she claimed I lacked all form of humility. That was the absolutely most vilest of things she could say, as she's the most stuck up tramp you can find, while I am the total opposite. It's like Mount Everest telling a mole hill it's too high, expecting the hill to down size to not hinder the view of the mountain. If you get my parabel. It was a big punch in my belly, a kick on my most soft spot, and she knew it, cause all her teen years she used to mock me for being so humble and having so low self esteem, telling me how you need to lie and make up stuff to get noticed. So telling me I was not humble enough, all of a sudden was actually the worst she could do to me, how stupid it might sound to you, concidering all the nasty things she also said about me. The list was quite long to start with, in her first mails, but it has gotten far longer since then.
She's been smearing me like I was a huligane, bullying her, haunting her, spreading ill willed rumours about her to all she knows, but also that I have plotted against her with my honest brother, to rob her and lie about her. The list is indeed long and it includes both insanity as extreme ill will and even what I would describe as "conspiracies" against her. The more we learn about her fantasies about me specially, but also about anyone trying to help me or who knows about her lies and can testify against her, the more ridiculous and stupid she sounds. If anyone actually believes her in her gaslighting, which actually means lying, that person should be tested for any signs of intelligence. She lies so bad she constantly contradicts herself. And like I said, I have recordings now proving she's lying about things I've said. The best lie she's pulled is framing me for robbing her of the paper, and also claiming to have proof that I have never read said paper. The recording prove her proof is a lie, but the stupidity of claiming both those things, that I have stolen it, but also never read it, is enough I think to declare anyone believing her as either willfully out to do me ill, or utterly stupid. So either they are in on her gaslighting scam, or they are too easy to fool into believing anything, if only someone with the right authority says it. And the authority in this case has been hand delivered by dear mama.
Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane