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måndag 18 augusti 2014

Gaslighting - How Your Enemy Tries To Drive You Crazy

The title of this blog I made up from this book "Gaslighting: How to Drive Your Enemies Crazy" by Victor Santoro. A sudden thought came to me after listening to this video below. It suddenly dawned on me how my sister seems to be portraiting me to people and how obviously mother believes I am now. Also one of my brothers seems to believe I am like that - and that is how this mother in the video acts... Well, this is what I wrote as a respons to that video, but never posted, so it's directed to the one with the video. If you could imagine that in your heads, please. :)  

Had a thought when hearing this and your translation of this. You know what - I totally realize this is what my baby sis is claiming I do. What your mom does here. What a horrible thought as I'm nothing like this, and I've never threatened her (she claims I do, that much have I figured out) and I never call her, write to her or contact her. Whenever I met her I've always been really nice to her as I would not dare anything else. I have been blamed for ALL stuff she's ever done when she grew up, as I was her actual baby sitter (full time almost) from 9 yrs old. Mom told me when I was 8, and she was pregnant, that this new child was a "special one", that she was "valuable" and "clean" and stuff like that, and nothing like me. She said I was "dirty" and god knows what shit she said. 

After a few years I noticed this special child had not the same emotions I did, and that she had no empathy, very robotic. I checked it up last year and she fits the profile of a typical covert psychopath who hides behind a facade of normality. I've now realized she must have been continuing moms smear campaign of me, and that is so horrible as all I ever wanted was to be left alone and have a nice, peaceful life with my children. She's called my children "monsters" and they all treat them like garbage. To realize my sister has lied that I am doing like your mother here, and that I've treated HER this way is horrible. I used to try and give her what I never got. 
A torementor can use one or several of these things to harm you.
I remember saying to her "you're sweet and kind and wonderful" when she grew up, to make her feel that way about herself. Now she's making it out that I am lying about her, steeling from her, and that I am threatening her to her life and harassing her, stalking her, and god knows what she says. I have only gotten a few feedbacks from people sending on her lies about me. And her husband and one brother of mine also have shown that they think I am doing these things to her. I don't know why she's doing this to me.  She showed me a legal paper 2 days after dad died (an option on a house) and ever since then she's been lying about not showing me it, inspite a brother clearly saw it and remembered it. Like they do - the pathologicals - she's been lying and denying and projecting ever since. 

But she's acting like the victim and trying to seem cool and innocent. She's very convincing and she really scares me due to the backwardness in all of what she claims. I'm sure 99% would believe her before me. But I know what I saw - an option. She claims she has a "termin" on the house and that it's gone cause I stole it. Also the other brother claims I've stolen his "termin" on a house. It's a madhouse hearing what they claim - totally fiction. I don't know why they treat me this way. I almost died in 2011, and in 2012 the doc said it was a miracle that I came through. All I know is that they must hate me very much as she showed me this option and now harrass me for knowing I saw it and they all treat me like shit. 
The origin of the term Gaslight.
They gaslight me, is what it's called. I'm a university business economist and they make it out as I don't know what I saw. She claims she did show me a paper, but a totally other kind of paper, and that both me and my witness misunderstood what we read. He's a IT-expert specializing in finding little, tiny faults. He's very smart and has a keen eye for details. Our sis never bothered with higher education, but still she's very successful and has had jobs demanding a uni-degree for years now. I don't know how she does that, but she seems to be able to con everyone into believing her. She does get fired all the time and I know she's not as competent as she acts. She's quite stupid actually, in my opinion, but she is very stuck up and acts superior. I blame myself now as I did try so hard to push up her self confidence and all I wanted was for her to be all she could be. 

Even the guy she's married to she identified thanks to me, as I'm psychic and she got flowers from an anonymous person and I knew it was this guy she'd mentioned a few months back. She had hords of boyfriends at that time so it was not somebody she'd imagined and she first didn't believe me, but I was right. Her husband threatened me with the police last year a couple of times. I think it was to scare me as I was not budging on the fact that I read the paper, and that I refused to sign over the house onto them without them proving I was wrong about it being an option. As they refused to, and I had a witness, I put my story in a video - what I remembered about that event when I read the paper - and that was when they started with the police threats and ever since they've continued. My closest brother claims that I am stalking him too. I don't know how, but he says that. He lives in Florida and claims what I do is illegal there - but I don't know what I do that could in any way be illegal. 
Perhaps a good book to get help to cope?
All the lying and steeling are just their projections of what they do, like their claim I have been threatening them, stalking them. My video was like a "testimony" that I did to make my sis get back to her senses, and seeing how ridiculous her lies was as I do remember and I do have a witness confirming it. I did make an oath, of course, swearing on what I hold most precious in my life (not mentioning WHAT that was)  - which of course could seem like your mother, but I have never done that before and I'm over 50 when I did it. It was cause my sis refused to stop lying, and everyone believed HER inspite me having a witness and she does not. I also dared her to take the same oath, if she didn't feel like coming clean. She never did, but stated in her reply (that she sent out to lots of people ontop of my mail to her with my video) all she'd said always been 100% true. Then of course it must have been, as a liar would not lie about something like that... ? 

So, it was my sis who sent on the video to all sorts of people, and she claimed I was defaming her, that I had mental problems, was harassing her, and bullying her, and that she now just had it with me.... WHAT!!! I was being bullied by them and my video was my final call for my sis to stop this. I sent it to HER - she sent it on to god knows how many. She's been calling me mentally ill behind my back already, writing this to my witness, whom she tried to make believe he'd seen another kind of paper, and he sent her mail to me so I could see how she's making me out as a luny bin, while fully well knowing I am speaking the truth. It's so hateful what she does, I hardly can believe my eyes. 
In their stories you are always a monster and they saints.
I know she hated me when a child, as I found her childhood diary, where she wrote HATE HATE HATE all over the pages. The story in the diary was like I had gone against her will, been ill or something, and not obeyed her. It was very typical how an extremly spoiled, selfish child would think. All about her, and making her out as a victim, cause I'd told her to not play the piano as I was very ill in severe migrains, and needed sleep. That she made out as I was totally out of control and very selfish. I remember one of these things she wrote about, and that I hardly could speak, that was how in pain I was, very sick, throwing up constantly, and I begged her to "please, please stop play the piano" as I needed atleast an hour to sleep for the migrain to ease up, as I'd just taken some pill for it. She just thought me selfish as she needed to practice as she'd had not done it the whole week. 

I so remember this argument with her, and how I told her she should practice every day, not only the day before, and she would not have this problem now as I was ill and needed her to wait and practice in an hour or two perhaps. She was totally furious with me. And that was one of those horrible, hateful things I'd done according to her diary. She was like 9 at the time and I was 18, I think. She was also furious cause I was sad and upset over a boyfriend, she was angry cause I wanted some privacy, and all in all she was going on in her diary as if I - a teen - was her mother and obliged to tend to all her needs. Nothing about her real mother, that I could find when I quickly looked it through about 10-15 years ago. All about what a horrible person I was. It was heartbreaking as at that time - I remember - my friends told me to stop putting her needs infront of mine. They said she did not appreciate it and that she took me for granted, and that I needed to care for my self more. I disagreed with them and said that she cared about me and appreciated me very much. Apparently they were right. :((
Whatever you feel you are supposed to feel guilty.
My witness, he who saw me reading her option, he knew what he saw and he thinks she's a total psychopath. He's just disgusted by her, but that's only him, the rest of the family is all on her side. She and the rest of the family have been smear campaigning him as long as I remember. I kind of believed a lot of it sometimes, but there was always something "off" with their stories. I now know they at the same time smeared me to him. I have gotten a few feedbacks from both his wife and from mails he's sent that this is the case even long time ago. Today I totally feel that mother is behind all this from the beginning. I think she's some kind of narcissist, of the covert kind with some psychopathic traits. Not like my sis though, as she's very cold and calculating, but mother is more like she feels like the victim for real all the time - like someone with a combination of borderline and malign narcissism. 

She dislikes my children, by the way. She told me to stop taking them along when I visited her. Finally she admitted this in 2009, when she was 78. She never cared for any grandchildren really, but likes to pretend to like some of them. She does seem to enjoy to be with the most smeared son's oldest son though. I think she's the reason there is this huge rift between him and his parents. Not the only reason, but a big part of it. She's been really nasty to his parents, specially his mother, and I don't think the children understood why their parents stopped seeing their grandma. She once looked after the two oldest when they were small and they've told me she was nice to them. My children she used to punch in the face and poor ice cold water on! I don't know why she was nice to this brother's children, but my guess is that she wanted to be a better mom then their real mom. She's been really into making it out like she is through the years. She did complain one time I did not let her look after my children, and that was after the smacking faces and cold water rutine, so no wonder I did not.
Either learn to live with her or leave her to rot in her own dung.
The problem is that on the surface our family looks normal. Only those friends I'd had that came close to us knew the truth. I could only see that I was hurt, felt hurt by stuff happening, but then my hurt was always ignored as if it was stupid, so I locked it away as non important. That's why I think I grew up thinking that whatever I feel, think, do, is of no importance to the world. And why I've always had this angst inside of me that I am afraid will take over. Like some kind of borderline traits I think. The suicidal thought, the total lack of selfesteem and so on. It got better the further away from these people I've been, and I've even managed to unlock alot of my obsessions, things I could not stop thinking about. They do say borderline is like being stuck in the worst moment of your life, but to me it didn't really feel that way, so maybe not quite that thing. 

I was mostly obsessing over people I liked and who dumped me, and that I never could hate them for dumping me, like it was not their fault. I thought I'd done something wrong and never blamed them. My big breakthrough was to stop blaming myself, and to actually stop liking them anymore, stop caring for them. It's like I love everyone for ever, and that is not healthy as nobody loves me at all of these people. I needed to stop focusing on people in the past and start to live in the now. Seeing what I did have and not what I never had. Many girls I know behave this exact way if they are stuck on some old time narcissistic boyfriend, so my guess is that it was cause I was raised in a familiy with this infliction, so I went on to fall for guys with those traits, and it only brought me more failure and loss. 
Believe you have the right to say NO and decied who to let into your life.
I don't like narcissists one bit anymore - I see them and I ignore them. They hate that, I know. I honestly think these malignant narcissists concider you hating them if you start to ignore them, when they mistreat you. Hence the projections of me hating them. I didn't used to hate them, no matter what they did, but after this horrible treatment from them I must admit I do, from time to time, feel hate towards them. It does not last long and most of the time I feel disgust only. I hate how they've treated me, and lied about me and others. They've brought so much misery into my relationships with other people as they love to triangulate and lie to cause harm.

But as I am not lying about them, making them out to have stolen and lied and done horrible things, it is by that proven who hates who. I would however be entitled to hate them, I think, but I think it's proven they hate me. Why would they otherwise do what they've done? So many little things proving it to me. Things I did for them, but favours they never repaid. It's a big long list today, but it's been my primary goal to make them all happy, and now I know that their primary goal has always been to make me sad. So they are now out of my life. I will not give them more of my sadness to enjoy. :))
A final good advice for all who brood about old hurts.
Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane