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torsdag 3 april 2014

Narcissists Abandon Their Families

This blog made me think about the dreams I've had for so many years, and particulary the last one. It's dreams about my sister. I've dreamt she and her husband are going to divorce, and then I've dreamt they are re-newing their vows and I'm late for the cermony and can't find the dress, and other enerving things, as I know she'll get annoyed with me for missing it and not coming in the right dress. I also had dreams shortly after the dream about them going to divorce about how they moved into an appartment. The flat was in a light, almost white building and lots of steel. I didn't like the flat as it was not in any way shape or form organic. It was very cold and modern. 

A few months after the dream about the flat mother told me my sister and her husband had moved to a new flat in the center of a big town. It was just a few months after mother had moved into an appartment near their big house in a smaller community. Which she did to be close to her Golden Girl and have her take care of her, as that was her plan. But my sisters husband really does not like his mother-in-law one bit, according to my sister as I never heard him say anything himself, and didn't want to take care of her. One time my sister actually wrote me a long mail, but apparently only cause her husband told her to do so and only cause he wanted rid of our mother. So, it was not too surprising that they moved away in secret, behind mothers back. 

It took mother 3 years to admit that this is what happened, but to me the most interesting thing was that I had dreamt before that about their rows, and them thinking about divorcing, and then came the move to the appartment. I knew nothing about any rows or divorce threats, but the appartment dream came true. Then I'm no fly on their wall so how could I know anything that is going on behind their closed doors. Of course not. I have neither any idea why I now and then get these unwelcomed dreams about my sister. 

The other night I had a new one, which was very clear and disturbing. My sister acted very superior, like she always does, and bragged about her sexual conquests, showing off some new lover of hers. I got very disturbed and bewildered in the dream as she's not a single girl out on the hunt anymore. Suddenly she showed another lover and she was so gleeful, like this was a secret of hers, and she could do whatever she liked without any negative consequenses for her. Like her total lack of regret or remorse where a good thing and something to be proud off. Well, she's always been like that and she's always made out that my sense of moral and borders makes me inferior to her. I'm the stiff, dull, unresourceful person, who can't take what I want due to my total lack of selfassurness. It's all due to that and not anything to do with the fact I concider some behaviours wrong and sick. (This is NOT my view of things, but what I feel is projected onto me.)

In later years my sister has totally seized to talk and act that way, and even expressed shock over our mothers morals. Not many years ago our mother was morally in total shock over our fathers behaviour, when he married a young thing to help her gain membership in our country. She sat on her high horses and expressed how foul she felt his behaviour was, how morally wrong and all sorts of strong words. She screamed profanities to underline her shock infront of my small children and young teenager, until I had to tell mother to stop and think about what she said infront of them. Mother was so morally distraught over fathers humanitarian act that she just could not help herself, she had to scream horrible words and things so my children heard. Then, a few years later, she is doing things that has nothing to do with humanitarianism whatsoever, and it turns out she's been like this for quite a long time. Maybe she was only mad at father for actually doing what she wanted to do, but he did it only as a scam to help a girl, but mother had wanted to do it for her own sake? Oh, the rage of the narcissist. 

Anyways my sister once told me she felt very much at unease when mother told about her weird affairs, so hence expressing some sense of moral to me. But maybe it was cause it's embarrassing to hear your mother doing things like that and not cause you yourself would not be able to do the same? Mother has also embarrassed my oldest daughter with stories about her weird affairs, and she's definitly not into having affairs or going behind her partner's back one bit. In that she is pretty much like me, just as she like me did listen to what crap mother would tell, but felt that it really was not something one would like to hear or even think about. So mother screamed like a crazy woman cause father helped a young mother to a new life here in our country, which was nice of him as she came from Ukraine, and we all know it's insane there now. And then mother thinks it's fine to do ten times worse stuff and talk to her grandchildren about it. The morals of narcissists is one set of rules for themselves and another for those they wish to control. 

I think that my set of morals are far more similar to that of fathers, though we didn't always see eye to eye about everything, and that my sister is so very much different from me and my morals it's not too far to guess that she got her morals from our mother. And if our mother can do as she pleases, with no limits to what that is, I guess my dream about my sister behaving the same, still now after several years of marriage, is not a too far fetched dream. And why do I keep having these totally unnecessary dreams about her anyways? I don't even want to dream about her, but somehow I do and I learn things everytime. In the dream before this dream about her multiple love-affairs I dreamt that I hugged her and told her I had loved her so very much, but that it was now over. It was kind of a goodbye dream as I have no room for treachereous people in my life. 

To me it is easy. You love people and treat them well and they love you back and treat you well. People who are not wired that way I don't want in my life. I can actually vow that noone in my own family care for people like that. Whenever any of them are met with such behaviour they back off and stop to be around those doing this to them. It's a very important trait to know how to push back people like that so they don't come into your life and wreck havoc. If you read more on Linda's blog you will learn in how many ways such people have ruined the lives of others. That will be so until you learn to detach from them as soon as you sense that foul play is at work. You will know them by their actions. People like this do lie about even unimportant matters. Perhaps cause they imagine it matters, or to hide another lie. They will judge others actions very harsh, but make excuses for themselves where none is given to others. That is a double set of rules. 

Here is the blog about the cheating and re-creating of the narcissist:

Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men and women cannot sustain authentic relationships in marriages or as parents. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviors. If they have power in the world and are venerated publicly as high level executives, part of the entertainment and social elite, they get away with it. These days, living in a narcissistic society, most people shrug about these matters. If someone is “very important” it doesn’t matter what they do in their personal lives and some believe that they are above reproach because of their extraordinary success.

The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children.

After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another—one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn’t matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don’t get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.

Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you—authentic and compassionate.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

To re-invent yourself can also include to change your names and looks, and of course totally changing the superficial personality. Many famous people are for sure narcissists and they like to make new names for themselves and many have multiple plastic surgeries to change how they look. Not always cause there was something wrong with how they looked, but cause they wish another look or to look younger and better.

There are many other ways to re-invent how you look beside such drastic steps. A total make-over with other cloths, hairstyle or make-up will also make you look like a new person. Mix that with a new way of behaving and acting and there is not much left of the old self. Many coming back from a deep dark place can do the same as they try to build up a new better life, so this is nothing you should take to heart too strongly.

If someone you know re-invent themself does not automatically mean it's narcissism. It's a much more complex matter. The key is the need to get attention as that is the main trait of a narcissist. They can never be loners. To acheive this they re-invent who they are to gain others admiration and fit in like the glove on the hand in their new life. Like a chameleont. They need to be admired, get awards, appraisals and be the center of others love and affection. 

If you fail to accommodate that, or if you lo and behold even imagine that someone else is more important, you might be in it for a long term revenge. I always concidered my own children more important and that even before I knew for sure I'd ever have any. In retrospect, now knowing what I know about narcissism and their need to be appreciated and put in the center, I realize I was very wrong, so very wrong, thinking that way. To me it was generous and kind of me to borrow those creations I'd made for my future child to my little sister. To her it was an insult I didn't make them all to her. So she gave them away just to hurt me, and she did. I never ever forgave her she gave them away, though I imagined I did. When my children got old enough to play with those things, I realized that. 

I tried to find time to make new ones, but there was just not enough time with household work and my work at the church. Through the years I've made a few new ones every time I got really angry over loosing them, just to make myself feel better, like she didn't stole my abilities to create from me when she did that. But the new ones are different, perhaps better, but never the same. She also had friends over who could help themselves to anything in my room when I was in school or at work, and many things they took were things intended for my future children. Also they stole things that did not belong to me, which I only had borrowed from the house and put in my mini-museum I had in my room. It was very expensive things and she should not had let those friends in my room at all, like she did, but our parents never told her that as nothing was ever her fault. 

A few years back, when she wrote me her long mail on her husbands request, she claimed that our mother had hit her when she wanted to talk to her. I was shocked when I read that as I knew nothing of such a thing. I remember actually that mother never laid a hand on neither her nore the Golden Boy, and I remember nothing about my sister telling me this when she was small. Her story of her childhood is that of an abused child, and my memory of her childhood is that of an entitled child who always could blame me for all she did wrong, as I was her appointed caretaker. Just like our Golden brother always could blame his brother for all he did. But also this Golden Boy had a period when he was telling about his emotional abuse by our mother, even if he now does not remember anything about these stories if you ask him. It never happened. So many things I know happened didn't happen according to him in later years. Either he's forgotten or he's been replaced with a clone. Take a pick what you prefer. :))

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane