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tisdag 8 april 2014

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers

RE-blogged from:

Yet another blog that went straight to my heart. In this example she seems to more describe a non-covert narcissist, who might be very loud and demanding. A covert narcissist prefers to work more under cover, within more socially acceptable boundaries, using others empathy in a more skillful way then the loudmouthed ones. In my family that might be cause she was taught this would make people more positive to anything she did, as I was the one mostly taking care of her and being emotional myself would show her that noone cares for a person who show feelings too strongly in our family. Crying, arguing, banging doors in frustration would absolutely achieve nothing for me after she was born, though it had some effect on father when I was the smallest child. After that father would totally ignore me and it would make all the others laugh even more at me, while she could use her status as a special child to mimic crying to make everyone pity her. 

She sure did never need to show any form of rage to get what she wanted, or atleast not until I and mother left home and she was left with father. She was now a teenager and no more a cuddly little girl. Father did tell me she was terrible as a teenager and would never accept a no, but keep on demanding, raging, or manipulating to get what she wanted. But during all the years prior to that she just needed to look innocent and demand to get whatever she wanted or do whatever she felt like and nobody would ever never blame her for anything. I was always around to be blamed, as I was the designed caretaker, as mother always picked some very young teenager to take care of all her children. Mother had the weirdest excuses why she couldn't keep breast feeding any of her children beyond the very first weeks. Like she was specially hit by inflictions almost every mother I've spoken to are cursed with. Now I know it's cause mothers like her just can't be bothered as anything meaning she had to do something that hard for another person would be too much to ask of her. These mothers never become adults, but will act the part like the true pretenders they are. They are like all those official personas you can meet at the doctors office, or other official places, who talks with authority to you, in a very selfassure, non-personal voice. It's just an act. 

The main thing in this blog is the blaming of the siblings for anything this little "princess" does. But in my family there was first a prince and then eleven years later to the month there was this assigned princess. I was told by mother when she was expecting that this child was not like me, but special and wonderful. Already years before that I had wondered about my second brother. We all had spoons given to us when we were babtisted. Two of us had cheaper ones, but the second brother had the "prince" spoon, which is the far most expensive silver spoon you can buy here. I used to look at the spoons and wishing I could had gotten the princess spoon as I'd love to be a princess. I loved to draw and I drew lots of princesses, mostly with long blond hair and blue eyes, as that is how I pictured myself. People kept telling my parents how pretty I was when I was small and my father used to be so proud of me, bragging about how I looked like a little doll. Still I hadn't gotten the princess spoon and that kind of bothered me. Also it bothered me that my second brother had birthdays parties, which me and the oldest brother weren't allowed to have by mother. But the worst difference to me was that the "prince" brother was never ever punished for anything he did. His brother was. 

At that time I was every week physically punished on mothers order for being naughty. No explaination, just a very odd ritual beating of me, which she ordered father to do when he came home. He didn't know for what, but obeyed. All this put together made me very confused and also very worried as I didn't get the princess spoon. It symbolised something to me and when my baby sister was babtised I saw she had gotten that spoon, and I knew why. Mother had told me already months ago that this baby was not like me, that she was special, and the princess spoon proved this fact to me. No matter what, she was a princess, and I was not. She was not a very pretty girl, and in my young mind I thought princesses were supposed to be that, but atleast she grew long beautiful hair when she got older, which I approved of. Mother loved to cut our hairs really short, no matter how I begged and pleaded with her. She just laughed and cut it off. Many times did I cry my eyes out cause she ruined my hair and also when she cut my baby sisters beautiful curls when she was very small, so only the straight, ugly hair was left. 

A mother like this is nasty to all her children, in one form or another, so there are enough sob-stories of her neglect and hurt going around for all of us, though the "choosen ones" like to believe their hurt were not much less then ours. In a way it might be true, as it takes away your soul not being taught to take responsibility for your own actions and watch others being hurt due to your lies. In that light I think children who were selected to be punished were lucky as they could keep their souls, and with the help of self-therapy learn to transcend the mental disorder of such a family and know that they are not what these mothers project onto you. The choosen ones are often lost in space, due to their ego being so closely connected to the mothers sickness.

Here is the blog about how these declared "princesses" are allowed to behave and how you should protect yourself from getting more harmed by their ruthlessness:

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers–Ruling Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sisters

Narcissistic daughters are tyrants–some by the time they are five years old or younger. Most people don’t believe this but it is true. I have seen it numerous times and heard life stories about these tiny tyrants reigning terror on the family. In some instances the mother is a narcissist and, believing that her daughter is super special and perfect, provides her with a no limits environment. She is never told “No” to anything that she does or says. She runs with her impulses. She hits, kicks, screams, intimidates, plays games, accuses, tantrums, etc. whenever she feels the urge–which is often. Dad is controlled by narcissistic mom. He is like another child. The sorry state of brothers and sisters in this household is very painful to behold. When siblings hear the voice of this tiny fiend they run for cover. She lies, connives, plots and plans against them all of the time. She gets what she wants all of the time. She doesn’t get into trouble because there are no real parents to correct her and show her a different way of behaving and thinking. She doesn’t learn what is right and wrong from her parents. She never develops empathy.

As they grow these narcissistic daughters become more demanding, manipulative, scheming, psychologically lethal. Narcissistic mother proudly announces: “My daughter is a force of Nature.”—an ugly, catastrophic, destructive one.

These daughters create havoc in the lives of their siblings indefinitely.  Eventually, some family members realize that they can no longer deal with this level of abuse. Some research the attributes of the narcissistic personality and recognize they are reading about their tyrannical narcissistic sister. They now know what happened when they were growing up. They were the scapegoats, the worriers, the anxious ones, the forgotten, the ones who were tricked into taking the blame for anything that went wrong.  How unjust to say the least.

Knowing this truth, you have the power to disengage completely from your narcissistic sister. This can be complex but realize that this sick sibling is not going to change.

Move forward with your own life. Appreciate your authenticity, your empathy, your creative gifts and your individuality. Give yourself time to heal.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Hope you like me learnt something from this, or atleast was reminded about an important subject. As parents we need to not repeat this sickness and treat all our children fairly. There will always be mistakes, but we must be grown-up enough to admit to our children that we are not perfect and we do make mistakes. It's not always easy to know who started a fight between children and many times the injured child wants justice to be served, but when you don't know, cause you weren't there, I used to rather tell them both to stop fighting then blame only one, and that used to make the one feeling innocent hurt. Which I totally understand, but like I said, we can only try as hard as we can to love them all, not playing any favorites, not trying to pitch them against each other, like I've seen some parents do. I bet you hardly could find one family with a perfect upbringing, but that does not make favorism ok, nore lying about some of your children to make them less, or to make some more, then they are. 

This is what narcissistic parents do, lie to promote those children they identify with, and adore, and lie to vilify the children they are punishing to make everyone turn away and leave those children left to rot on their own, with no adult to care for them at all. These narcissists will then keep up the lies and exaggerations, often mixed with alot of excluding of facts that might make people impressed by these children, up in their adult life and embrace also the spouses and children. The extended family will hear bragging and beautiful tales of those children the parents wish to promote, and pathetic and worrying stories of the others. You might imagine how far this can go, but it's the same principle in politics and propaganda. These parents keep nagging on about how clever and successful their darlings are, and sigh and look worried if someone mentions their "troubled" children. I don't really think they have to do or say that very much, only show in their facial expression their joy of speaking about some and the bored to death look whenever the "wrong" child is brought up. 

In my own personal experience all relatives that do not have any close personal relationship with my birth family tend to like me alot. They seem truly happy to see me. Some others however have treated me with weird animosity and those are the ones my sister or my mother have their claws into. I remember when I told my fathers sisters about my illness back in 2011 and one of them snapt at me and cut me off with an annoyed grin, that anyone can have a little anemia and that is no big deal. This was the NICE aunt doing that. On the fail 50th birthday party my family pretended to throw for me, they both gave me cheap gifts. This aunt gave me a pretty flower, but it was of course very cheap. The other aunt gave me a too old wine bottle, with the gift card left on from those who once gave the bottle to her. I didn't care that much at the party as everything at that party was really sickening. I was at the party still in shock over the fact that my second brother had called home to us and said "noone wants to buy any food for the party or cook it". Which ment that none of my relatives wanted to spend any money on food for a party in my honour, which they had insisted on having, though I'd said plenty of times they didn't have to as I'd already celebrated my birthday almost two months earlier, on my real birthday. 

I was at the time not yet declared recovered from my lethal condition, and it was a miracle I was still alive. I have never treated anyone in that room bad, said nasty things to them or acted hurtful or anything in that way for as long as I can remember. Perhaps I did something when I was a toddler I don't remember, but I think that can be excused if that is true. The treatment I got was like someone they barely could stand, and my two special siblings acted like they were heroes for doing this party for such a lousy person like me, though like I said they actually backed out and would not buy or cook the food, so my husband did. Both their spouses were acting really odd and angry towards me. After I had spoken to my brother-in-law about my lethal illness he went straight over to my sister and asked her if she knew anything about that and she replied "no", and they said no more that I heard about it. Afterwards he was acting rude, like he could not stand me, and would not back up his wife on her grand birthday gift promises. It was a very odd feeling as all "gifts" I did get from people seemed to either be put together in a way to show they were not happy with me, or it was straight out gifts I'd told the giver in advance that I specifically did not want. Still today I can't get that creepy feeling out of me, which that party gave me. 

So when I a few months later were explaining to my two aunts about my close encounter with death they could care less. It was like they didn't care one bit how horribly ill I had been for so long and how close it was that I'd died and leaving all of my family to tend for themselves, my four children and newborn grandchild. He's a special needs child so my daughter has needed alot of help with him and at the time of my collaps they were living at home with us, and would do so for more then a year to come. I dare not to think how hard it would had been for each and everyone if I'd actually had died then. In a normal family I think all of them, or atleast most of them, would had cared that I almost died and ended up in hospital. But what I've figured out now is that in these kind of families nobody cares. 

Mother acted like she did care, but she seems to never have mentioned it to any other relatives, as my brother-in-law didn't know, and my aunts didn't know. She socialize with these people now and then and if she did care she'd spoken to them about it. At christmas 2011 she spent the holidays with us, but just before coming to us she'd been with my sisters family and at that time I was still not well, still going on close check ups. Still nothing about my illness had come up when she celebrated with her son-in-law and daughter? Not a word of worry or care? She was also going to get her dog back when she came to us, as she had dumped her on me again as soon as she could when I came home from the hospital. She kept phoning me asking how I felt and if I could take her dog again. 

Now I realize all her calls had nothing to do with how she worried about loosing me, but cause she worried she couldn't dump her dog on me. But she did pretend quite well that she cared and urged me to do more tests as I might not be well at all, so I should be very worried as it sure was something very wrong with me, they just needed to find the cause. All that did not make me feel better, but worse, so of course I kept telling her I was fine, and then she jumped on the first chance to get me to take back the dog, since I was now fine. She's so clever, just like her precious special daughter is. My husband got absolutely furious with her, how she dumped the dog on us when I was barely on my feet again, and that's why he had her take her dog back on christmas. Still, not a word about all this when she a few days earlier were feasting on the much better and grander christmas table at my sisters place? Or else my brother-in-law would had known and the question to my sister 7 months later would not had been asked. I would think.

It took me alot of tears before I did try and explain to my aunts that I actually had been severly ill and spent time on hospital so they could save my life. Nobody knew why I was still alive and their only guess was that my condition had deteriorated so slowly that my body acclimatized to the terrible condition it was in. One nursing assistant even told me I could not be right, when I said what values I'd gotten at the ER, which were "53". She said I could not possibly been that poorly as then I'd been dead long ago. I just said ok to her, but I knew what I knew. She said the value had to be atleast "70" for me to be alive, and since my journal said < 70 when she looked at it in a glance that prooved to her I was incorrect. In reality it said that cause everyone below 70 is at lethal risk and can not walk for themselves and must be checked up closely, even after all the tranfusions are done. 

I got alot of transfusions, but since it is a risk of ones life everytime you recieve a blood transfusion they only gave me a couple of those until my value was higher then 70, so no immediate risk of my life. Then I got alot of iron transfusions for as long as I was in the hospital. It was lovely there and everyone was ever so kind to me. The only bad thing was all the tests they did to figure out what was wrong with me, as nobody ever gets so poorly without a good reason. They did ask me a couple of times if I drank, which was funny as I never do. Now I know it's cause alcoholics can't pick up B20, and leaves them after long term use in a poor condition. But we are talking about severe alcoholics here, heavy users, and I think they all found it hard to believe someone like me was that as I do look much younger then I am. They were more into the thought of other things, like a bleeding somewhere, but they never found anything wrong with me. There is one more category that are known to have this condition and that is cancer patients who's had chemotherapy, but I've never been treated for cancer. 

I don't really like to jam on about this or to make me out as a pityful sick person, as that is not me and that is also the reason why I was left with this condition untreated for so long. I don't like to play the pity card and I hate being a victim. Toxic families, like the one I'm coming from, play on the archetypes of abuser and victim, and it's just a reflexion of our world at large. You see this on every level in society, how people are abused and then ment to play a pityful victim. Many times it's hard to see who's being abused and who's the real victim, as pathological liars tend to play victims all too well, while normal people are not. So it is not my role to be the victim in my family, but to be the abuser, as it's of course the special peoples role to be the poor victims. They are always the victims and they are always the ones behind all the drama, like these types always are. It's just a massive false-flag really, as they lie to create drama. Then they act all innocent and sweet, talk to everyone and sound really concerned. 

In families like this the abuser are the one who mentions the truth. But, in reality, it's not the truth that is toxic, how horrible it might be, but the liars shameful act of innocent victims. They make all under their spell shun the truthteller, shame her even for daring to speak out, and defend the liar. I've seen it again and again and it makes me sick. The only way to cope is to get the hell out of there, and that is the main reason my aunts were mad at me, cause in the version they've nourished I was keeping out cause I didn't care. No, I was keeping out cause I cared too much and I could not take it anymore being treated like shit. Love should be met with love, not with vileness and lies and accussations and false assumptions and all sorts of mind fuck. I and my children are priceless and if my family could not see that, it's their loss.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane