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fredag 4 april 2014

Go No Contact With Narcissistic Sister

Re-blogged from:

After my previous post this feels very fitting. I wrote in my last post about dreams I've had for many years about my sister. In a few of them even her relationship with her new spouse are brought up. In a few dreams they have been on the verge of divorcing. On others they are re-marrying or only re-newing their vows. It's always an old gothic church, very dark and with heavy stones. I'm late and I cannot find my dress and it is so stressful as I know she's very disappointed with me. I sometimes arrive too late to the church and the act has already started. The dream is always a bit different and it's been a few years now since I had that particular dream. The weirdest thing is that I hardly remember having that much dreams about my sister during all the years prior.  

I never had a bad relationship with her as I loved her, no matter what she was. I always loved all children I've taken care of and I believe she'd been a much better person if she only had been told when a small child that she had to show consideration for others and taught to take responsibility for her own actions. Our parents taught her that she could do whatever she pleased and when things got bad just blame me for whatever she did, as I was supposed to look after her. When I was eleven I was both responsible for my own actions and hers, while she at the same age didn't have any responsibility even for her own actions. They were still mine to carry. 

Our mother told me last year, at this very time of the year, I am the most responsible of her children, according to her. Yet one year earlier she had promised me that my sister had evolved and was now the most responsible of us four children. Of course that was a lie to help my sister gain full control of fathers estate and money, but she must have forgotten that last spring, when she proclaimed me as the most responsible. That was most likely more close to the truth as I carried my own and my sisters actions on my shoulders, morally speaking, for many years, and I didn't mind that much. My sister was only a child, and I didn't really think about the fact I started looking after her as a child myself. I was never a child, as I was able to take care of myself so much. In my own eyes I was very able, but whenever something good and positive was to be given I was passed, while when obligations and help was needed I was looked upon. 

Like I said, I didn't mind since at the time when I grew up I thought my help was appreciated and I thought my love was shared. Many years ago, perhaps more then ten, an old friend from school said to me that my family did not love me. Today I agree with her whole heartedly. She was so very right, but her words put me down and made me not happier. I never ever wanted to consider that reality, that my family only used me and never loved me back, but facts are facts and you cannot deny their actions. They truly do not love me one bit. Mother projects all her own bad qualities onto me, like you take off your dirty cloths and give to a begger. My Golden brother insults me and make up stories about me to all his flying monkeys. He still has his first girlfriend to run errands for him and fly, fly off on monkey wings to attack me. When I wont listen to him he resorts to that, as he normally does not have to. Normally he only brushes me off like the unimportant little bug he thinks I am, and laughs at me. If that did not help he'd say something he knew would hurt me, and then I'd shut up. 

My Golden sister on the other hand used to be my friend and confidant, or atleast I imagined so. But I was wrong. Once I happened to find her old childhood diary at fathers place and glanced at it, hoping to read some pittoresk childhood memories. It was side up and side down with vile hatred towards me. I was shocked. Some stories I did remember, but not like she told them. In her stories I was a raging lunatic screaming to her cause I hated her, to not play the piano, just to be mean to her so she'd fail her class. I remember asking her to please wait an hour or two to play until my severe migrain had passed, as I'd taken a pain killer and was in bed to stop the sickness, the throwing up, so the total awful angst would pass. Which it normally did eventually, if left in a dark room relaxing for awhile. I didn't scream as any loud voice would be like knives in my head and I hardly could stand on my feet as my migrain was, like I said, very severe. I went to science college and the studies were very hard. Thanks to my migrains I failed big time as I needed good food, lots of sleep and a calm environment to feel well. I did not have that. My room was above the piano and every evening before her class she practiced. Not on any other days before, only on that day. Too many days did I have migrain on that very day in the week. Many weeks did I have migrains two times. Every time I had a migrain I could not function at school. I had to puke and the room was spinning. It was like having a severe stomach sickness, but much worse due to the pain in the head and the terrible angst. I used to resemble the feeling as having a circus in my head, with little people jumping in trampolines back and forth and the music playing really high. I wanted silence so bad. It was pure nightmare. But what it wasn't was me having rage-parties on my little sister. 

My oldest daughter had migrains too and she did the same thing to her sibblings and I can promiss you none of them hated their sister for her irritation. None of them wrote sick, hateful tales about her in their diaries. They might not had liked her telling them to quiet down, but they never hated her for it. And she was much angrier then I was about it, as she dared to be, as she's been raised to be allowed to tell her smaller sibblings to behave. Cause that I was not allowed to do, or rather if I did I was told off. Specially by our Golden brother who would not have it that I tried to tell her anything. She was so sensitive, according to him, and was so hurt by whatever I told her. When she deliberatly managed to accomplish an act, she'd been trying to do for a whole full week with me stopping her again and again, our brother told me straight off I was not allowed to get upset with her. The act was to kill a little kitty. 

Here is the article that made me think about these memories:

Renew Your Life – Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister

All of your life, your older, younger or twin sister has been putting you through hell – The reason — She is a Narcissistic Personality and in some family constellations, she was chosen to represent its sterling image. You felt psychologically dispossessed, a stranger in your own house that was not a home to you. In every way your narcissistic sister undermined you. When she wasn’t doing that, she was scaring you, intimidating you, demeaning you, humiliating you, threatening you. She was going to get you into trouble with mom and dad no matter what. Not by telling the truth but by her very convincing lies.
Narcissists lie about everything in order to get exactly what they want. This is easy for them since they do not have a conscience. And — They Get Away With It!

Now that you are an adult, your narcissistic sister has continued her Weird Sister act and she is never going to stop. The NPD is a fixed personality disorder that does not change.

It is time to stand up for yourself by focusing on taking very good care of yourself. I mean that you decide on the best program that helps you to heal from your narcissistic sister’s ongoing abuse over a long period.

Spend time in a quiet way with yourself. Listen to music that you love and has meaning to you. Get the sleep that you need and deserve. Sleep puts us into the quieting mode of the nervous system and is essential to healing on every level. Let your creativity flow. Write spontaneously every day or when you can, the thoughts and feelings that come through your mind without editing. Do exercise that you enjoy or at least can tolerate. Think of other ways that you relax – Cooking, Gardening, Sewing, Reading, etc.  Spend time with individuals whom you trust and that contribute to your healing. Go with the givers and cross out the takers.

This is the beginning of a new life cycle for you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

These are very good advice and I've been doing alot of that my whole life to keep the spirit up. I have pretty much created my own beautiful world. It's a lovely place, filled with love and cute animals, but no matter what, it was again and again stained and tainted as long as I let the toxic in. I for a very long time felt that it was the only way I could live, to let them in. I felt I had no choice as telling them to leave me alone was not allowed, it was a deadly sin to not accomedate them. Eventually some of them tired of me on their own and drifted off, only to be seen when they needed something and demanded me to oblige and help them. Which would be less and less the more I tried to say no, but I didn't really know how to say no, I only knew I was not able to do what they asked of me as their demands got more and more ridiculous the sicker I got. I looked so very old on those pictures from that time when I was ill. I looked ten years older then now, says my oldest daughter. She is right, I did look older then now many years ago, while I was ill, but my family didn't care one bit.

All the while when I was pregnant back in 2005 they were at me to help them out with spying on father, despite I lost the baby they kept at me. Mothers only respons when I told her I was loosing the baby when I was at her place, was to laugh it off, saying that I was only imagining it. But when we came home I did and after that I got so very much worse. I was so tired I hardly could manage my own family, still they were at me, taking no excuses. I looked at the photos from 2006 and I look so pale and sick and I remember how tired I was and how they relentlesly battered me to do what they asked of me. I felt trapped and I had so much angst, cause I knew I could not afford or have the energy to do what they asked of me. I didn't even have the energy to get a job and work and all my obligations were already overloading me. I had had severe burn out symptoms for years, as they started with the third child who screamed all night long in what I now understand must had been cholic caused by me drinking milk. We did not know then why he would not sleep and during the days I had to be awake and look after the two older siblings when the baby slept. It was nightmarish and I had noone who helped me ever never. I was totally on my own as my husband worked part time and studied full time at the university and had no time to help.

His birth family did nothing as they only cared about themselves and their favorites. To me it even felt like my parents-in-law wished for me to fail, so they never ever helped me with anything. This they kept up also when our forth child arrived and my husband moved away to work far away and left me to take care of the new born and all the other children by myself. I never saw his parents, though they lived just a couple of blocks away. When we were to move down to my husband I was put down and talked to in very harsh and nasty words by his parents, who had absolutely no sympathy for how terribly I had run our house. My father-in-law told me his wife had found dust behind the radiators and book shelves after the moving company had removed all the furniture and this kind of neglect was not acceptable to them. They were standing there screaming at me, abusing me, whom they never ever had bothered to come over to during one whole year, to ask if I needed some help with the new born and the three other children. Not one single time. Every day did I drive the two oldest to and fro school, packing all four of them in the car. Only help with that little matter would had made a huge difference.

This action of theirs opened my eyes to the bitter fact that my mother-in-law hadn't been kidding when she told my husband that she wanted him to leave me many years ago, when we just had moved in together. She told him someone like me could not love someone like him and that I was only using him and would leave him. So by treating me like shit for the better part of our relationship she seems to have tried to accomplish what she predicted - me leaving her son as he was not good enough for me. She didn't love him, so why should I, right? My husband does not see that, he really does not want to see anything wrong with his parents, but they both have issues to deal with. In his case his father is very much an enabler, and after he realized I had been very ill for many years and almost died he was very nice to me. He realized that I'd had a hard time and being ill makes you very tired. His wife, my mother-in-law has never said anything and didn't call me when I was ill, only he did. I think she will never admit to how unfairly and horrible she treated me, as she has helped her other daughter-in-laws so very much. If you hate someone deep down you might do like that to try and ruin things for them. People do not need to be much of a narcissist to be that way, as most people are no saints.

But generally, as a grandparent, my mother-in-law is ok, though she stopped her husband to put up the fence he'd promised to help out with towards the road and street. Thanks to her intervention we never got any fence and I had a very hard time to stop the boys to run off down to the road when they were toddlers. We did buy some cheap fence and poles and my husband made a deal with his father to help him build his summer house if his father helped us build our fence. Then mother-in-law instead ordered her husband to build a fence for her new dog and her little grandson and granddaughter got no fence. Two years later there was still no fence, and every year they made new excuses to not help us out, but instead of two little children with no fence there were three. And so it went on till we moved away. But never mind that, only if grandma gets her summer cottage and the new dog a good fence.

I mean, what do my beautiful children matter anyways? Apparently not much to any of their grandparents, but to me they are the best and I will keep on creating beauty and love around me. Those with foul envy in their hearts, which makes them try to ruin and destroy what I have created, can just silently move back into the mist of the past where they belong. Enablers are often loving people who are fooled by envious liars. My problem is who to avoid and who to try to reach out to. I do not want to be around flying enabling monkeys either, but those could wake up and smell the roses and after a good heartfelt talk, clearing of the air, I'd be ready to forgive and move on. People do mistakes, but I'm not the bad guy they made me into. No, I admit that I did not pull out the sofa and cleaned behind the radiators enough times that year I was alone, but guess what, I had more important things to do. I had things to do that needed the little energy that I had, and if someone wish for their daughter-in-law to have a clean house when swamped with work they better lift their lazy asses off their own sofa and come over and help out. Or shut the fuck up.

That is love for you. Taking care of lots of animals and lots of children, a house and a garden and cars to wash and clean and sell and stuff to pack and sort is not a picknick in the park when you are all on your own. In my book, looking back, I was a bloody hero. I cannot for my life understand how I coped - all alone with not a single friend who stood on my side. I must be made of bloody freaking steel or something. I had no enablers, no flying monkeys, no supportive mother helping me out, no father coming to pick the children up from school, I had bloody nobody. Just like so many more mothers who'd been painted in the colour of black by the narcissists partying and living the high life while pointing fingers and belittling their targets. I've known others in my role. Sensitive, emotional, creative and caring people with passion and a strong heart who was put down by those who should had lifted them up. People like this have to cope as there is nobody there helping them out.

Stay authentic, loving, honest, true and whatever you do try to not hurt anyone just for the fun of it. Use your intent to teach others, or help others, but never ever to do harm to the innocent who love you. That is why no contact with my sister is so important, as she did that. She used her mind powers to hurt me, isolate me, and she thought she got rid of me and won, but what she did was loose my love, the most precious gift anyone can get from another. It's a gift you cannot bribe someone to give, and you cannot buy it. You can't force it out of another, but you might trick and con it for awhile, until they see through you. But to be loved by someone who know you for who you are, is the most precious gift. When that is gone, it is gone.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane