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torsdag 10 april 2014

Treasure Your Intuitive Gifts

Re-blogged from:
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers-treasure-your-intuitive-gifts/

As long as I remember I had a great intuition and always felt deeply connected to all that is, earth, plants and animals. My compassion and love and respect for all of this was authentic and strong. And already as a very small child I knew my mother was not right, she was like a child kicking and screaming, and even I, as small I was, knew more then she did how to behave and act to others. To her it was all about her, and I felt early on I had to give her space to act out as she could not handle being adult and take on the kind of responsibility and caring I watched other mothers do. She would do anything to not have to do things she did not want to do. Like a small child kicking and screaming, but hide it behind lies and projections where she was the innocent saint and I'd been the one doing the kicking and screaming. It was an easy con as she used to have her golden son to tease me and torment me with the help and aid of his brother, who perhaps felt included when they did this, and their actions would of course upset me as a small child as there was no getting away from them. 

All I wanted was to be allowed to be, and as all small children being picked on, tossed things at, splattered water on, and other irritating actions, I would get angry and cry. And since I did that it was said I was silly and crying all the time, for nothing. So of course her story I was an annoyance, who ungratefully would scream and behave badly when we were alone was believed. It's not a hard thing to make people believe. So I never forget the evening she pretended to take me to the balette school, while she didn't. I never forget it cause after a short while in the basement, where parents and children were hopping around in what clearly was NOT balette, but a common social event for families, with mother hissing to me to go and dance with them, on my own and not like all the other children WITH their mothers, she grabbed me in the arm, draw me out again through the doorway, we'd stood right beside all the short while in the basement, and tossed me into the car. There she screamed like a maniac at me, insulting me, threatening me and promissing me that this was the last time EVER she'd do anything I asked for, ever. She kept screaming for quite awhile as I remember it and it was at this very occasion I was finally, and totally, convinced that my mother was not right. She was definitly not right. 

I never ever asked anything like that of her again, only made very quiet suggestions, which each and everyone, always, were belittled and mocked by her. There was indeed always an excuse for not helping me fullfill any of my dreams, when I was too young to do that on my own. And by the time you get to be old enough, well, you know the drill of such mothers... You just have no desires anymore, or have no clue who you are anymore. Cause whatever YOU were, it was not right, and you hid yourself behind secrecy and shame. What you held most precious was nothing, what you loved was ridiculous, whatever was you was not worth mentioning or taken seriously. That is how their mind control works, no matter how much you on an intellectual level realize there is something not right with them. They will make you forget you know this, and make you see things their way. You will believe that their golden children are precious and important, and that you and also other people of their choosing are less and stupid. They will make you believe horrible things about those they smear, and make you think they are the honorable heroes. They will now and then lift up their golden children or other people they adore, but if any of these do anything to upset them, they'll suddenly turn on them. 

Sometimes you may watch their golden child insult them in plain sight, and they wont care one bit, and when you come to their defence they will both together attack you and put all the primary insult on you. That's when you know that they have succeeded in turning this golden child into a mirror of themselves, and they are happy with that. That is the weirdest thing, that they never go after those with the most disturbing traits, but after those showing empathy and compassion towards them. Those are the ones they will detest, as they seem to hate anything that is close to true love. I've seen it myself, how a golden child craving his mothers attention cruely being rejected as he is weak and needy, while she will adore him when he is cruel and nasty towards her. I compare that to a beaten dog who likes to be beaten. Only she claims she was never beaten as a child, and still she loves to hit little children, the smaller the better. 

On several occasions we caught her trying to hit our oldest children and one of them has told us she did hit her behind our backs once. Several years later I brought that up to mother, as she was now trying to convince our youngest child that noone in the family cared about her. I told her to stop with such mental abuse, as that is not much better then when she did actually hit my oldest child and told her I had asked her to do so. That is way too cruel and only ment to brake our bond, which she almost managed as my oldest is very emotional and felt totally crushed by this betrayal of mine, as her grandmother let her believe. Mothers respons to this was to tell me it never happened. When I told her it did and that I had witnesses to this, she laughed as noone dared to speak. They all hid away and said nothing, though they did know I was right, but dared not speak up to this woman. Well, my daughter was so intimidated by her that she even afterwards said that she did not remember anymore, but I think she did not WANT to remember anymore, and hearing her own grandmother deny the event, lie about it, was too hurtful to her. Her father hid away in the next room, hearing everything, but like I said, dared not confront his evil mother-in-law. He said he could not see any use in doing so, as she full well knew she was lying as he'd told her off very harshly when she'd tried to hit the oldest daughter infront of him once. 

Mother then resorted into name calling and telling me that I was insane. In my book it's the person not living in reality, but in a fantasy of her own grandiosity, that is the insane one, but if it is "insane" to speak truth and be honest, well, then I'm guilty as charged. Those pathologicals love to call their targets "insane" whenever they are called out on their dirty business. Unfortunatly I didn't break up my relationship with mother at that occasion as I imagined she was truly insane and had several personalities and the one calling me insane had truly, honestly thought so as she had no memory of what that child beating bitch were doing. Shortly after this confrontation my mother suddenly "remembered" a story her mother had told her shortly before she died. My guess mother ment she had been told this story back in 1986, or there about, as my grandmother died early next year. It was now like 20 years later and all of a sudden mother tells me this sad tale about how she as a small child was moved out from her parents bedroom, to the nursery next door, and she was crying and her "beloved" maid smacked her in the face to shut her up. It was a truly sad story and it broke my heart that someone could had done this to a baby, not even two years old at the time. 


According to mother her mother had said that after that event she never cried again. So, mother has told me several years prior to when this tale was told, that her parents never beat her, and then many years later she suddenly remembers this tale about a maid hitting her face as she cried, which made a perfect excuse as every time mother has tried to or actually managed to hit my children in the face it's been when they were upset and crying. That is the reason I kept the relationship, cause I felt sorry for her, but she's a psycho therapist herself and if she knew this about herself many years before I ever even had a child, why did she keep hitting my children? Should she not had resolved this issue by then, realizing this forgotten event caused her to get so angry every time a baby cried? Hence raising this issue from the depth of the dark unconciousness up to the awaken self, recognizing the feeling when it came on her and managing to overide the urge to hit the small baby? One would think so, but silly as I was in those days I felt sorry for HER instead of seeing through the obvious sob-story. 

These people use sob-stories frequently to make you do as they wish. She lied about the dogs previous owner wanting to put her to death, unless she took over the ownership. That was not true, as I found out when talking to this previous owner the year after I was told the dog-killing story. She was deeply concerned for the dog, and had no intention at all to kill the dog. But it got me really upset, and in shock, that someone can be so cruel to such a sweet dog. These people use tales to swing you over and whatever is your weakness, they'll use that to get their way. They are like teenagers forever, trying to con their parents into all sorts of things, only most people grow up, they don't. Actually I never was a teenager, but that is what I've learnt from other teenagers. I went from a baby to a grown up before I even knew what that was, so I was a very stupid grown up, doing many mistakes a proper grown up would not. Too much on my plate so I stupidly helped out in occasions that made me look quilty, just for picking up the pieces, and not telling anyone about what really had happened, like a child who believes everyone of course already knows that. Children tend to think that way, and hence not explain things, but as an adult you realize others might not know all you know. I did many times realize that too late, and when I then tried to correct people they got very hostile towards me, as they'd been told a totally different story, which they not readily wanted to abandon. 

Lets not bang on anymore and publish the article that caught my eye today:

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Treasure Your Intuitive Gifts


Intuition is a knowing of the truth that strikes faster than the speed of light. It comes through us automatically like the exhalation of a breath or the blowing of the wind or the crack of a branch of a tree in the forest. Intuition is part of our human nature although most people are unaware or not in touch with their intuition. Some individuals receive intuitive messages but discard them as irrational or strange.

I have known many daughters of narcissistic mothers who, despite all of the painful psychological and emotional issues associated with being the child of a narcissist, have access and use their intuitive gifts. For many it is what allowed them to survive a childhood of maternal deprivation and verbal abuse. Deep inside this small child knew that something was very wrong with her mother’s lack of feeling, cold non connection and cruel behaviors. Some of these daughters blame themselves and believe they are lacking when the psychopathology lies with the narcissistic mother.

Using one’s intuition is a gift that deepens and strengthens throughout life. Intuition communicates in a special form to each individual. Some of us get a gut feeling and know we have hit upon the truth. Others hear a voice that gives them messages of truth, warning, inspiration, creativity. Intuition can be activated by someone with whom we are strongly connected. Intuitions come through when we are in a peaceful state of relaxation, meditation or involved in a creative project. Intuitions are always coming through. They never stop making attempts to get our attention.

Intuition warns us about the narcissist we have just met. We sense this person and know instantly that he or she is not right for us. We feel the powerful sway of the narcissist’s irresistability like an errant tide that is pulling us out to sea. Yet there is a voice (nor our own) that is saying: “Stay away from this person. He/she will cause you pain and trouble. Step away now.”

Use your intuition to heal from your narcissistic mother. Intuition provides us with many ways of separating and individuating from the narcissistic non mother. Ask for healing and listen to the messages that lead you along a different path where you will find your true self more and more each day and through it deep inner peace and the use of your creative and spiritual gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Hope you felt that this strengthened you as to see how your inner feelings might not be totally wrong, no matter how perfect the person who gives you the creeps is. There is really no other rule about these dangerous people then the feeling you have from them. You might feel like they never really listens to you, or that they belittle everything truly important to you. Whatever it is, it makes you sick. That is your intuition speaking in many cases, unless you've been fed alot of tales about this person and it's all these stories about them, with horrible pictures in your mind of their doings, that makes you sick. I'm talking about people you don't really have heard any stories about, but gives you a bad feeling. You might even heard lots of praise about them, and still you just can't bring yourself to trust them. Every piece of your body screams "no". And then, perhaps months later, you realize you've been lied to. Like I did with the dog. 

These people discard their pets like they do their partners and children. If it suites them they'll just dump either one on someone else to take care of. Well, their partners they will make pay dearly for ever putting up with them and helping them out and paying for their living for decades. They will make them pay with alot of money and heartache until they die. Most partners to people like this die before their spouses, either they are married or not at that time, as they either have suffered so hard during the relationship or afterwards. Many will escalate their tortue after the marriage is over, not accepting their exes to move forward, re-marrying, and they will turn all their mutual children against their ex. Linda M-L writes alot about that issue as it's the most devestating one as people who truly love their children will be in great danger from them. I've read horror story after horror story how mothers and fathers lost all their children, just to spite them, as their rich ex psychopathic spouses hired hords of laywers to totally take them out of their lives. I couldn't imagine a worse nightmare, and most of the times all the children are fed lies about the parent they are torn apart from and starting to hate them. So sad. 

And if the ex tries to apeace the narcissist she or he will trample all over them anyways, and force them to fullfill their own agenda to only care for the special children, the choosen ones, and belittle and ridicule the choosen rotten eggs. It might be in ever so vague ways, but either way the non-golden children are soon left like orphants and have to realize they need to take care of everything themselves. And guess what! The narcissistic parent will then turn that against them aswell, calling them names for trying to be strong and coping. Before you know it you are called such horried things due to that and told you are going to die an early death thanks to all these bad qualities of yours. So first off you are left on your own with no help, and then bashed for working yourself ill by doing it all on yourself. These people are truly sick and since I said so back in 1967 as a small child, I can only agree with that wise babe I then was - as the saying goes "out of the mouth of babes". 

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

tisdag 8 april 2014

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers

RE-blogged from:
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/narcissistic-daughter-conquers-ruling-mom-dad-brothers-and-sisters/


Yet another blog that went straight to my heart. In this example she seems to more describe a non-covert narcissist, who might be very loud and demanding. A covert narcissist prefers to work more under cover, within more socially acceptable boundaries, using others empathy in a more skillful way then the loudmouthed ones. In my family that might be cause she was taught this would make people more positive to anything she did, as I was the one mostly taking care of her and being emotional myself would show her that noone cares for a person who show feelings too strongly in our family. Crying, arguing, banging doors in frustration would absolutely achieve nothing for me after she was born, though it had some effect on father when I was the smallest child. After that father would totally ignore me and it would make all the others laugh even more at me, while she could use her status as a special child to mimic crying to make everyone pity her. 

She sure did never need to show any form of rage to get what she wanted, or atleast not until I and mother left home and she was left with father. She was now a teenager and no more a cuddly little girl. Father did tell me she was terrible as a teenager and would never accept a no, but keep on demanding, raging, or manipulating to get what she wanted. But during all the years prior to that she just needed to look innocent and demand to get whatever she wanted or do whatever she felt like and nobody would ever never blame her for anything. I was always around to be blamed, as I was the designed caretaker, as mother always picked some very young teenager to take care of all her children. Mother had the weirdest excuses why she couldn't keep breast feeding any of her children beyond the very first weeks. Like she was specially hit by inflictions almost every mother I've spoken to are cursed with. Now I know it's cause mothers like her just can't be bothered as anything meaning she had to do something that hard for another person would be too much to ask of her. These mothers never become adults, but will act the part like the true pretenders they are. They are like all those official personas you can meet at the doctors office, or other official places, who talks with authority to you, in a very selfassure, non-personal voice. It's just an act. 


The main thing in this blog is the blaming of the siblings for anything this little "princess" does. But in my family there was first a prince and then eleven years later to the month there was this assigned princess. I was told by mother when she was expecting that this child was not like me, but special and wonderful. Already years before that I had wondered about my second brother. We all had spoons given to us when we were babtisted. Two of us had cheaper ones, but the second brother had the "prince" spoon, which is the far most expensive silver spoon you can buy here. I used to look at the spoons and wishing I could had gotten the princess spoon as I'd love to be a princess. I loved to draw and I drew lots of princesses, mostly with long blond hair and blue eyes, as that is how I pictured myself. People kept telling my parents how pretty I was when I was small and my father used to be so proud of me, bragging about how I looked like a little doll. Still I hadn't gotten the princess spoon and that kind of bothered me. Also it bothered me that my second brother had birthdays parties, which me and the oldest brother weren't allowed to have by mother. But the worst difference to me was that the "prince" brother was never ever punished for anything he did. His brother was. 

At that time I was every week physically punished on mothers order for being naughty. No explaination, just a very odd ritual beating of me, which she ordered father to do when he came home. He didn't know for what, but obeyed. All this put together made me very confused and also very worried as I didn't get the princess spoon. It symbolised something to me and when my baby sister was babtised I saw she had gotten that spoon, and I knew why. Mother had told me already months ago that this baby was not like me, that she was special, and the princess spoon proved this fact to me. No matter what, she was a princess, and I was not. She was not a very pretty girl, and in my young mind I thought princesses were supposed to be that, but atleast she grew long beautiful hair when she got older, which I approved of. Mother loved to cut our hairs really short, no matter how I begged and pleaded with her. She just laughed and cut it off. Many times did I cry my eyes out cause she ruined my hair and also when she cut my baby sisters beautiful curls when she was very small, so only the straight, ugly hair was left. 

A mother like this is nasty to all her children, in one form or another, so there are enough sob-stories of her neglect and hurt going around for all of us, though the "choosen ones" like to believe their hurt were not much less then ours. In a way it might be true, as it takes away your soul not being taught to take responsibility for your own actions and watch others being hurt due to your lies. In that light I think children who were selected to be punished were lucky as they could keep their souls, and with the help of self-therapy learn to transcend the mental disorder of such a family and know that they are not what these mothers project onto you. The choosen ones are often lost in space, due to their ego being so closely connected to the mothers sickness.

Here is the blog about how these declared "princesses" are allowed to behave and how you should protect yourself from getting more harmed by their ruthlessness:

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers–Ruling Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sisters


Narcissistic daughters are tyrants–some by the time they are five years old or younger. Most people don’t believe this but it is true. I have seen it numerous times and heard life stories about these tiny tyrants reigning terror on the family. In some instances the mother is a narcissist and, believing that her daughter is super special and perfect, provides her with a no limits environment. She is never told “No” to anything that she does or says. She runs with her impulses. She hits, kicks, screams, intimidates, plays games, accuses, tantrums, etc. whenever she feels the urge–which is often. Dad is controlled by narcissistic mom. He is like another child. The sorry state of brothers and sisters in this household is very painful to behold. When siblings hear the voice of this tiny fiend they run for cover. She lies, connives, plots and plans against them all of the time. She gets what she wants all of the time. She doesn’t get into trouble because there are no real parents to correct her and show her a different way of behaving and thinking. She doesn’t learn what is right and wrong from her parents. She never develops empathy.

As they grow these narcissistic daughters become more demanding, manipulative, scheming, psychologically lethal. Narcissistic mother proudly announces: “My daughter is a force of Nature.”—an ugly, catastrophic, destructive one.

These daughters create havoc in the lives of their siblings indefinitely.  Eventually, some family members realize that they can no longer deal with this level of abuse. Some research the attributes of the narcissistic personality and recognize they are reading about their tyrannical narcissistic sister. They now know what happened when they were growing up. They were the scapegoats, the worriers, the anxious ones, the forgotten, the ones who were tricked into taking the blame for anything that went wrong.  How unjust to say the least.

Knowing this truth, you have the power to disengage completely from your narcissistic sister. This can be complex but realize that this sick sibling is not going to change.

Move forward with your own life. Appreciate your authenticity, your empathy, your creative gifts and your individuality. Give yourself time to heal.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Hope you like me learnt something from this, or atleast was reminded about an important subject. As parents we need to not repeat this sickness and treat all our children fairly. There will always be mistakes, but we must be grown-up enough to admit to our children that we are not perfect and we do make mistakes. It's not always easy to know who started a fight between children and many times the injured child wants justice to be served, but when you don't know, cause you weren't there, I used to rather tell them both to stop fighting then blame only one, and that used to make the one feeling innocent hurt. Which I totally understand, but like I said, we can only try as hard as we can to love them all, not playing any favorites, not trying to pitch them against each other, like I've seen some parents do. I bet you hardly could find one family with a perfect upbringing, but that does not make favorism ok, nore lying about some of your children to make them less, or to make some more, then they are. 

This is what narcissistic parents do, lie to promote those children they identify with, and adore, and lie to vilify the children they are punishing to make everyone turn away and leave those children left to rot on their own, with no adult to care for them at all. These narcissists will then keep up the lies and exaggerations, often mixed with alot of excluding of facts that might make people impressed by these children, up in their adult life and embrace also the spouses and children. The extended family will hear bragging and beautiful tales of those children the parents wish to promote, and pathetic and worrying stories of the others. You might imagine how far this can go, but it's the same principle in politics and propaganda. These parents keep nagging on about how clever and successful their darlings are, and sigh and look worried if someone mentions their "troubled" children. I don't really think they have to do or say that very much, only show in their facial expression their joy of speaking about some and the bored to death look whenever the "wrong" child is brought up. 

In my own personal experience all relatives that do not have any close personal relationship with my birth family tend to like me alot. They seem truly happy to see me. Some others however have treated me with weird animosity and those are the ones my sister or my mother have their claws into. I remember when I told my fathers sisters about my illness back in 2011 and one of them snapt at me and cut me off with an annoyed grin, that anyone can have a little anemia and that is no big deal. This was the NICE aunt doing that. On the fail 50th birthday party my family pretended to throw for me, they both gave me cheap gifts. This aunt gave me a pretty flower, but it was of course very cheap. The other aunt gave me a too old wine bottle, with the gift card left on from those who once gave the bottle to her. I didn't care that much at the party as everything at that party was really sickening. I was at the party still in shock over the fact that my second brother had called home to us and said "noone wants to buy any food for the party or cook it". Which ment that none of my relatives wanted to spend any money on food for a party in my honour, which they had insisted on having, though I'd said plenty of times they didn't have to as I'd already celebrated my birthday almost two months earlier, on my real birthday. 

I was at the time not yet declared recovered from my lethal condition, and it was a miracle I was still alive. I have never treated anyone in that room bad, said nasty things to them or acted hurtful or anything in that way for as long as I can remember. Perhaps I did something when I was a toddler I don't remember, but I think that can be excused if that is true. The treatment I got was like someone they barely could stand, and my two special siblings acted like they were heroes for doing this party for such a lousy person like me, though like I said they actually backed out and would not buy or cook the food, so my husband did. Both their spouses were acting really odd and angry towards me. After I had spoken to my brother-in-law about my lethal illness he went straight over to my sister and asked her if she knew anything about that and she replied "no", and they said no more that I heard about it. Afterwards he was acting rude, like he could not stand me, and would not back up his wife on her grand birthday gift promises. It was a very odd feeling as all "gifts" I did get from people seemed to either be put together in a way to show they were not happy with me, or it was straight out gifts I'd told the giver in advance that I specifically did not want. Still today I can't get that creepy feeling out of me, which that party gave me. 

So when I a few months later were explaining to my two aunts about my close encounter with death they could care less. It was like they didn't care one bit how horribly ill I had been for so long and how close it was that I'd died and leaving all of my family to tend for themselves, my four children and newborn grandchild. He's a special needs child so my daughter has needed alot of help with him and at the time of my collaps they were living at home with us, and would do so for more then a year to come. I dare not to think how hard it would had been for each and everyone if I'd actually had died then. In a normal family I think all of them, or atleast most of them, would had cared that I almost died and ended up in hospital. But what I've figured out now is that in these kind of families nobody cares. 

Mother acted like she did care, but she seems to never have mentioned it to any other relatives, as my brother-in-law didn't know, and my aunts didn't know. She socialize with these people now and then and if she did care she'd spoken to them about it. At christmas 2011 she spent the holidays with us, but just before coming to us she'd been with my sisters family and at that time I was still not well, still going on close check ups. Still nothing about my illness had come up when she celebrated with her son-in-law and daughter? Not a word of worry or care? She was also going to get her dog back when she came to us, as she had dumped her on me again as soon as she could when I came home from the hospital. She kept phoning me asking how I felt and if I could take her dog again. 

Now I realize all her calls had nothing to do with how she worried about loosing me, but cause she worried she couldn't dump her dog on me. But she did pretend quite well that she cared and urged me to do more tests as I might not be well at all, so I should be very worried as it sure was something very wrong with me, they just needed to find the cause. All that did not make me feel better, but worse, so of course I kept telling her I was fine, and then she jumped on the first chance to get me to take back the dog, since I was now fine. She's so clever, just like her precious special daughter is. My husband got absolutely furious with her, how she dumped the dog on us when I was barely on my feet again, and that's why he had her take her dog back on christmas. Still, not a word about all this when she a few days earlier were feasting on the much better and grander christmas table at my sisters place? Or else my brother-in-law would had known and the question to my sister 7 months later would not had been asked. I would think.


It took me alot of tears before I did try and explain to my aunts that I actually had been severly ill and spent time on hospital so they could save my life. Nobody knew why I was still alive and their only guess was that my condition had deteriorated so slowly that my body acclimatized to the terrible condition it was in. One nursing assistant even told me I could not be right, when I said what values I'd gotten at the ER, which were "53". She said I could not possibly been that poorly as then I'd been dead long ago. I just said ok to her, but I knew what I knew. She said the value had to be atleast "70" for me to be alive, and since my journal said < 70 when she looked at it in a glance that prooved to her I was incorrect. In reality it said that cause everyone below 70 is at lethal risk and can not walk for themselves and must be checked up closely, even after all the tranfusions are done. 

I got alot of transfusions, but since it is a risk of ones life everytime you recieve a blood transfusion they only gave me a couple of those until my value was higher then 70, so no immediate risk of my life. Then I got alot of iron transfusions for as long as I was in the hospital. It was lovely there and everyone was ever so kind to me. The only bad thing was all the tests they did to figure out what was wrong with me, as nobody ever gets so poorly without a good reason. They did ask me a couple of times if I drank, which was funny as I never do. Now I know it's cause alcoholics can't pick up B20, and leaves them after long term use in a poor condition. But we are talking about severe alcoholics here, heavy users, and I think they all found it hard to believe someone like me was that as I do look much younger then I am. They were more into the thought of other things, like a bleeding somewhere, but they never found anything wrong with me. There is one more category that are known to have this condition and that is cancer patients who's had chemotherapy, but I've never been treated for cancer. 

I don't really like to jam on about this or to make me out as a pityful sick person, as that is not me and that is also the reason why I was left with this condition untreated for so long. I don't like to play the pity card and I hate being a victim. Toxic families, like the one I'm coming from, play on the archetypes of abuser and victim, and it's just a reflexion of our world at large. You see this on every level in society, how people are abused and then ment to play a pityful victim. Many times it's hard to see who's being abused and who's the real victim, as pathological liars tend to play victims all too well, while normal people are not. So it is not my role to be the victim in my family, but to be the abuser, as it's of course the special peoples role to be the poor victims. They are always the victims and they are always the ones behind all the drama, like these types always are. It's just a massive false-flag really, as they lie to create drama. Then they act all innocent and sweet, talk to everyone and sound really concerned. 

In families like this the abuser are the one who mentions the truth. But, in reality, it's not the truth that is toxic, how horrible it might be, but the liars shameful act of innocent victims. They make all under their spell shun the truthteller, shame her even for daring to speak out, and defend the liar. I've seen it again and again and it makes me sick. The only way to cope is to get the hell out of there, and that is the main reason my aunts were mad at me, cause in the version they've nourished I was keeping out cause I didn't care. No, I was keeping out cause I cared too much and I could not take it anymore being treated like shit. Love should be met with love, not with vileness and lies and accussations and false assumptions and all sorts of mind fuck. I and my children are priceless and if my family could not see that, it's their loss.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

fredag 4 april 2014

Go No Contact With Narcissistic Sister

Re-blogged from:
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/renew-your-life-go-no-contact-with-narcissistic-sister/

After my previous post this feels very fitting. I wrote in my last post about dreams I've had for many years about my sister. In a few of them even her relationship with her new spouse are brought up. In a few dreams they have been on the verge of divorcing. On others they are re-marrying or only re-newing their vows. It's always an old gothic church, very dark and with heavy stones. I'm late and I cannot find my dress and it is so stressful as I know she's very disappointed with me. I sometimes arrive too late to the church and the act has already started. The dream is always a bit different and it's been a few years now since I had that particular dream. The weirdest thing is that I hardly remember having that much dreams about my sister during all the years prior.  

I never had a bad relationship with her as I loved her, no matter what she was. I always loved all children I've taken care of and I believe she'd been a much better person if she only had been told when a small child that she had to show consideration for others and taught to take responsibility for her own actions. Our parents taught her that she could do whatever she pleased and when things got bad just blame me for whatever she did, as I was supposed to look after her. When I was eleven I was both responsible for my own actions and hers, while she at the same age didn't have any responsibility even for her own actions. They were still mine to carry. 

Our mother told me last year, at this very time of the year, I am the most responsible of her children, according to her. Yet one year earlier she had promised me that my sister had evolved and was now the most responsible of us four children. Of course that was a lie to help my sister gain full control of fathers estate and money, but she must have forgotten that last spring, when she proclaimed me as the most responsible. That was most likely more close to the truth as I carried my own and my sisters actions on my shoulders, morally speaking, for many years, and I didn't mind that much. My sister was only a child, and I didn't really think about the fact I started looking after her as a child myself. I was never a child, as I was able to take care of myself so much. In my own eyes I was very able, but whenever something good and positive was to be given I was passed, while when obligations and help was needed I was looked upon. 

Like I said, I didn't mind since at the time when I grew up I thought my help was appreciated and I thought my love was shared. Many years ago, perhaps more then ten, an old friend from school said to me that my family did not love me. Today I agree with her whole heartedly. She was so very right, but her words put me down and made me not happier. I never ever wanted to consider that reality, that my family only used me and never loved me back, but facts are facts and you cannot deny their actions. They truly do not love me one bit. Mother projects all her own bad qualities onto me, like you take off your dirty cloths and give to a begger. My Golden brother insults me and make up stories about me to all his flying monkeys. He still has his first girlfriend to run errands for him and fly, fly off on monkey wings to attack me. When I wont listen to him he resorts to that, as he normally does not have to. Normally he only brushes me off like the unimportant little bug he thinks I am, and laughs at me. If that did not help he'd say something he knew would hurt me, and then I'd shut up. 

My Golden sister on the other hand used to be my friend and confidant, or atleast I imagined so. But I was wrong. Once I happened to find her old childhood diary at fathers place and glanced at it, hoping to read some pittoresk childhood memories. It was side up and side down with vile hatred towards me. I was shocked. Some stories I did remember, but not like she told them. In her stories I was a raging lunatic screaming to her cause I hated her, to not play the piano, just to be mean to her so she'd fail her class. I remember asking her to please wait an hour or two to play until my severe migrain had passed, as I'd taken a pain killer and was in bed to stop the sickness, the throwing up, so the total awful angst would pass. Which it normally did eventually, if left in a dark room relaxing for awhile. I didn't scream as any loud voice would be like knives in my head and I hardly could stand on my feet as my migrain was, like I said, very severe. I went to science college and the studies were very hard. Thanks to my migrains I failed big time as I needed good food, lots of sleep and a calm environment to feel well. I did not have that. My room was above the piano and every evening before her class she practiced. Not on any other days before, only on that day. Too many days did I have migrain on that very day in the week. Many weeks did I have migrains two times. Every time I had a migrain I could not function at school. I had to puke and the room was spinning. It was like having a severe stomach sickness, but much worse due to the pain in the head and the terrible angst. I used to resemble the feeling as having a circus in my head, with little people jumping in trampolines back and forth and the music playing really high. I wanted silence so bad. It was pure nightmare. But what it wasn't was me having rage-parties on my little sister. 

My oldest daughter had migrains too and she did the same thing to her sibblings and I can promiss you none of them hated their sister for her irritation. None of them wrote sick, hateful tales about her in their diaries. They might not had liked her telling them to quiet down, but they never hated her for it. And she was much angrier then I was about it, as she dared to be, as she's been raised to be allowed to tell her smaller sibblings to behave. Cause that I was not allowed to do, or rather if I did I was told off. Specially by our Golden brother who would not have it that I tried to tell her anything. She was so sensitive, according to him, and was so hurt by whatever I told her. When she deliberatly managed to accomplish an act, she'd been trying to do for a whole full week with me stopping her again and again, our brother told me straight off I was not allowed to get upset with her. The act was to kill a little kitty. 

Here is the article that made me think about these memories:

Renew Your Life – Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister


All of your life, your older, younger or twin sister has been putting you through hell – The reason — She is a Narcissistic Personality and in some family constellations, she was chosen to represent its sterling image. You felt psychologically dispossessed, a stranger in your own house that was not a home to you. In every way your narcissistic sister undermined you. When she wasn’t doing that, she was scaring you, intimidating you, demeaning you, humiliating you, threatening you. She was going to get you into trouble with mom and dad no matter what. Not by telling the truth but by her very convincing lies.
Narcissists lie about everything in order to get exactly what they want. This is easy for them since they do not have a conscience. And — They Get Away With It!

Now that you are an adult, your narcissistic sister has continued her Weird Sister act and she is never going to stop. The NPD is a fixed personality disorder that does not change.

It is time to stand up for yourself by focusing on taking very good care of yourself. I mean that you decide on the best program that helps you to heal from your narcissistic sister’s ongoing abuse over a long period.

Spend time in a quiet way with yourself. Listen to music that you love and has meaning to you. Get the sleep that you need and deserve. Sleep puts us into the quieting mode of the nervous system and is essential to healing on every level. Let your creativity flow. Write spontaneously every day or when you can, the thoughts and feelings that come through your mind without editing. Do exercise that you enjoy or at least can tolerate. Think of other ways that you relax – Cooking, Gardening, Sewing, Reading, etc.  Spend time with individuals whom you trust and that contribute to your healing. Go with the givers and cross out the takers.

This is the beginning of a new life cycle for you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


These are very good advice and I've been doing alot of that my whole life to keep the spirit up. I have pretty much created my own beautiful world. It's a lovely place, filled with love and cute animals, but no matter what, it was again and again stained and tainted as long as I let the toxic in. I for a very long time felt that it was the only way I could live, to let them in. I felt I had no choice as telling them to leave me alone was not allowed, it was a deadly sin to not accomedate them. Eventually some of them tired of me on their own and drifted off, only to be seen when they needed something and demanded me to oblige and help them. Which would be less and less the more I tried to say no, but I didn't really know how to say no, I only knew I was not able to do what they asked of me as their demands got more and more ridiculous the sicker I got. I looked so very old on those pictures from that time when I was ill. I looked ten years older then now, says my oldest daughter. She is right, I did look older then now many years ago, while I was ill, but my family didn't care one bit.

All the while when I was pregnant back in 2005 they were at me to help them out with spying on father, despite I lost the baby they kept at me. Mothers only respons when I told her I was loosing the baby when I was at her place, was to laugh it off, saying that I was only imagining it. But when we came home I did and after that I got so very much worse. I was so tired I hardly could manage my own family, still they were at me, taking no excuses. I looked at the photos from 2006 and I look so pale and sick and I remember how tired I was and how they relentlesly battered me to do what they asked of me. I felt trapped and I had so much angst, cause I knew I could not afford or have the energy to do what they asked of me. I didn't even have the energy to get a job and work and all my obligations were already overloading me. I had had severe burn out symptoms for years, as they started with the third child who screamed all night long in what I now understand must had been cholic caused by me drinking milk. We did not know then why he would not sleep and during the days I had to be awake and look after the two older siblings when the baby slept. It was nightmarish and I had noone who helped me ever never. I was totally on my own as my husband worked part time and studied full time at the university and had no time to help.

His birth family did nothing as they only cared about themselves and their favorites. To me it even felt like my parents-in-law wished for me to fail, so they never ever helped me with anything. This they kept up also when our forth child arrived and my husband moved away to work far away and left me to take care of the new born and all the other children by myself. I never saw his parents, though they lived just a couple of blocks away. When we were to move down to my husband I was put down and talked to in very harsh and nasty words by his parents, who had absolutely no sympathy for how terribly I had run our house. My father-in-law told me his wife had found dust behind the radiators and book shelves after the moving company had removed all the furniture and this kind of neglect was not acceptable to them. They were standing there screaming at me, abusing me, whom they never ever had bothered to come over to during one whole year, to ask if I needed some help with the new born and the three other children. Not one single time. Every day did I drive the two oldest to and fro school, packing all four of them in the car. Only help with that little matter would had made a huge difference.

This action of theirs opened my eyes to the bitter fact that my mother-in-law hadn't been kidding when she told my husband that she wanted him to leave me many years ago, when we just had moved in together. She told him someone like me could not love someone like him and that I was only using him and would leave him. So by treating me like shit for the better part of our relationship she seems to have tried to accomplish what she predicted - me leaving her son as he was not good enough for me. She didn't love him, so why should I, right? My husband does not see that, he really does not want to see anything wrong with his parents, but they both have issues to deal with. In his case his father is very much an enabler, and after he realized I had been very ill for many years and almost died he was very nice to me. He realized that I'd had a hard time and being ill makes you very tired. His wife, my mother-in-law has never said anything and didn't call me when I was ill, only he did. I think she will never admit to how unfairly and horrible she treated me, as she has helped her other daughter-in-laws so very much. If you hate someone deep down you might do like that to try and ruin things for them. People do not need to be much of a narcissist to be that way, as most people are no saints.


But generally, as a grandparent, my mother-in-law is ok, though she stopped her husband to put up the fence he'd promised to help out with towards the road and street. Thanks to her intervention we never got any fence and I had a very hard time to stop the boys to run off down to the road when they were toddlers. We did buy some cheap fence and poles and my husband made a deal with his father to help him build his summer house if his father helped us build our fence. Then mother-in-law instead ordered her husband to build a fence for her new dog and her little grandson and granddaughter got no fence. Two years later there was still no fence, and every year they made new excuses to not help us out, but instead of two little children with no fence there were three. And so it went on till we moved away. But never mind that, only if grandma gets her summer cottage and the new dog a good fence.

I mean, what do my beautiful children matter anyways? Apparently not much to any of their grandparents, but to me they are the best and I will keep on creating beauty and love around me. Those with foul envy in their hearts, which makes them try to ruin and destroy what I have created, can just silently move back into the mist of the past where they belong. Enablers are often loving people who are fooled by envious liars. My problem is who to avoid and who to try to reach out to. I do not want to be around flying enabling monkeys either, but those could wake up and smell the roses and after a good heartfelt talk, clearing of the air, I'd be ready to forgive and move on. People do mistakes, but I'm not the bad guy they made me into. No, I admit that I did not pull out the sofa and cleaned behind the radiators enough times that year I was alone, but guess what, I had more important things to do. I had things to do that needed the little energy that I had, and if someone wish for their daughter-in-law to have a clean house when swamped with work they better lift their lazy asses off their own sofa and come over and help out. Or shut the fuck up.

That is love for you. Taking care of lots of animals and lots of children, a house and a garden and cars to wash and clean and sell and stuff to pack and sort is not a picknick in the park when you are all on your own. In my book, looking back, I was a bloody hero. I cannot for my life understand how I coped - all alone with not a single friend who stood on my side. I must be made of bloody freaking steel or something. I had no enablers, no flying monkeys, no supportive mother helping me out, no father coming to pick the children up from school, I had bloody nobody. Just like so many more mothers who'd been painted in the colour of black by the narcissists partying and living the high life while pointing fingers and belittling their targets. I've known others in my role. Sensitive, emotional, creative and caring people with passion and a strong heart who was put down by those who should had lifted them up. People like this have to cope as there is nobody there helping them out.

Stay authentic, loving, honest, true and whatever you do try to not hurt anyone just for the fun of it. Use your intent to teach others, or help others, but never ever to do harm to the innocent who love you. That is why no contact with my sister is so important, as she did that. She used her mind powers to hurt me, isolate me, and she thought she got rid of me and won, but what she did was loose my love, the most precious gift anyone can get from another. It's a gift you cannot bribe someone to give, and you cannot buy it. You can't force it out of another, but you might trick and con it for awhile, until they see through you. But to be loved by someone who know you for who you are, is the most precious gift. When that is gone, it is gone.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

torsdag 3 april 2014

Narcissists Abandon Their Families


This blog made me think about the dreams I've had for so many years, and particulary the last one. It's dreams about my sister. I've dreamt she and her husband are going to divorce, and then I've dreamt they are re-newing their vows and I'm late for the cermony and can't find the dress, and other enerving things, as I know she'll get annoyed with me for missing it and not coming in the right dress. I also had dreams shortly after the dream about them going to divorce about how they moved into an appartment. The flat was in a light, almost white building and lots of steel. I didn't like the flat as it was not in any way shape or form organic. It was very cold and modern. 

A few months after the dream about the flat mother told me my sister and her husband had moved to a new flat in the center of a big town. It was just a few months after mother had moved into an appartment near their big house in a smaller community. Which she did to be close to her Golden Girl and have her take care of her, as that was her plan. But my sisters husband really does not like his mother-in-law one bit, according to my sister as I never heard him say anything himself, and didn't want to take care of her. One time my sister actually wrote me a long mail, but apparently only cause her husband told her to do so and only cause he wanted rid of our mother. So, it was not too surprising that they moved away in secret, behind mothers back. 

It took mother 3 years to admit that this is what happened, but to me the most interesting thing was that I had dreamt before that about their rows, and them thinking about divorcing, and then came the move to the appartment. I knew nothing about any rows or divorce threats, but the appartment dream came true. Then I'm no fly on their wall so how could I know anything that is going on behind their closed doors. Of course not. I have neither any idea why I now and then get these unwelcomed dreams about my sister. 

The other night I had a new one, which was very clear and disturbing. My sister acted very superior, like she always does, and bragged about her sexual conquests, showing off some new lover of hers. I got very disturbed and bewildered in the dream as she's not a single girl out on the hunt anymore. Suddenly she showed another lover and she was so gleeful, like this was a secret of hers, and she could do whatever she liked without any negative consequenses for her. Like her total lack of regret or remorse where a good thing and something to be proud off. Well, she's always been like that and she's always made out that my sense of moral and borders makes me inferior to her. I'm the stiff, dull, unresourceful person, who can't take what I want due to my total lack of selfassurness. It's all due to that and not anything to do with the fact I concider some behaviours wrong and sick. (This is NOT my view of things, but what I feel is projected onto me.)

In later years my sister has totally seized to talk and act that way, and even expressed shock over our mothers morals. Not many years ago our mother was morally in total shock over our fathers behaviour, when he married a young thing to help her gain membership in our country. She sat on her high horses and expressed how foul she felt his behaviour was, how morally wrong and all sorts of strong words. She screamed profanities to underline her shock infront of my small children and young teenager, until I had to tell mother to stop and think about what she said infront of them. Mother was so morally distraught over fathers humanitarian act that she just could not help herself, she had to scream horrible words and things so my children heard. Then, a few years later, she is doing things that has nothing to do with humanitarianism whatsoever, and it turns out she's been like this for quite a long time. Maybe she was only mad at father for actually doing what she wanted to do, but he did it only as a scam to help a girl, but mother had wanted to do it for her own sake? Oh, the rage of the narcissist. 

Anyways my sister once told me she felt very much at unease when mother told about her weird affairs, so hence expressing some sense of moral to me. But maybe it was cause it's embarrassing to hear your mother doing things like that and not cause you yourself would not be able to do the same? Mother has also embarrassed my oldest daughter with stories about her weird affairs, and she's definitly not into having affairs or going behind her partner's back one bit. In that she is pretty much like me, just as she like me did listen to what crap mother would tell, but felt that it really was not something one would like to hear or even think about. So mother screamed like a crazy woman cause father helped a young mother to a new life here in our country, which was nice of him as she came from Ukraine, and we all know it's insane there now. And then mother thinks it's fine to do ten times worse stuff and talk to her grandchildren about it. The morals of narcissists is one set of rules for themselves and another for those they wish to control. 

I think that my set of morals are far more similar to that of fathers, though we didn't always see eye to eye about everything, and that my sister is so very much different from me and my morals it's not too far to guess that she got her morals from our mother. And if our mother can do as she pleases, with no limits to what that is, I guess my dream about my sister behaving the same, still now after several years of marriage, is not a too far fetched dream. And why do I keep having these totally unnecessary dreams about her anyways? I don't even want to dream about her, but somehow I do and I learn things everytime. In the dream before this dream about her multiple love-affairs I dreamt that I hugged her and told her I had loved her so very much, but that it was now over. It was kind of a goodbye dream as I have no room for treachereous people in my life. 

To me it is easy. You love people and treat them well and they love you back and treat you well. People who are not wired that way I don't want in my life. I can actually vow that noone in my own family care for people like that. Whenever any of them are met with such behaviour they back off and stop to be around those doing this to them. It's a very important trait to know how to push back people like that so they don't come into your life and wreck havoc. If you read more on Linda's blog you will learn in how many ways such people have ruined the lives of others. That will be so until you learn to detach from them as soon as you sense that foul play is at work. You will know them by their actions. People like this do lie about even unimportant matters. Perhaps cause they imagine it matters, or to hide another lie. They will judge others actions very harsh, but make excuses for themselves where none is given to others. That is a double set of rules. 

Here is the blog about the cheating and re-creating of the narcissist:


Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men and women cannot sustain authentic relationships in marriages or as parents. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviors. If they have power in the world and are venerated publicly as high level executives, part of the entertainment and social elite, they get away with it. These days, living in a narcissistic society, most people shrug about these matters. If someone is “very important” it doesn’t matter what they do in their personal lives and some believe that they are above reproach because of their extraordinary success.

The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children.

After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another—one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn’t matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don’t get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.

Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you—authentic and compassionate.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

To re-invent yourself can also include to change your names and looks, and of course totally changing the superficial personality. Many famous people are for sure narcissists and they like to make new names for themselves and many have multiple plastic surgeries to change how they look. Not always cause there was something wrong with how they looked, but cause they wish another look or to look younger and better.

There are many other ways to re-invent how you look beside such drastic steps. A total make-over with other cloths, hairstyle or make-up will also make you look like a new person. Mix that with a new way of behaving and acting and there is not much left of the old self. Many coming back from a deep dark place can do the same as they try to build up a new better life, so this is nothing you should take to heart too strongly.

If someone you know re-invent themself does not automatically mean it's narcissism. It's a much more complex matter. The key is the need to get attention as that is the main trait of a narcissist. They can never be loners. To acheive this they re-invent who they are to gain others admiration and fit in like the glove on the hand in their new life. Like a chameleont. They need to be admired, get awards, appraisals and be the center of others love and affection. 

If you fail to accommodate that, or if you lo and behold even imagine that someone else is more important, you might be in it for a long term revenge. I always concidered my own children more important and that even before I knew for sure I'd ever have any. In retrospect, now knowing what I know about narcissism and their need to be appreciated and put in the center, I realize I was very wrong, so very wrong, thinking that way. To me it was generous and kind of me to borrow those creations I'd made for my future child to my little sister. To her it was an insult I didn't make them all to her. So she gave them away just to hurt me, and she did. I never ever forgave her she gave them away, though I imagined I did. When my children got old enough to play with those things, I realized that. 

I tried to find time to make new ones, but there was just not enough time with household work and my work at the church. Through the years I've made a few new ones every time I got really angry over loosing them, just to make myself feel better, like she didn't stole my abilities to create from me when she did that. But the new ones are different, perhaps better, but never the same. She also had friends over who could help themselves to anything in my room when I was in school or at work, and many things they took were things intended for my future children. Also they stole things that did not belong to me, which I only had borrowed from the house and put in my mini-museum I had in my room. It was very expensive things and she should not had let those friends in my room at all, like she did, but our parents never told her that as nothing was ever her fault. 

A few years back, when she wrote me her long mail on her husbands request, she claimed that our mother had hit her when she wanted to talk to her. I was shocked when I read that as I knew nothing of such a thing. I remember actually that mother never laid a hand on neither her nore the Golden Boy, and I remember nothing about my sister telling me this when she was small. Her story of her childhood is that of an abused child, and my memory of her childhood is that of an entitled child who always could blame me for all she did wrong, as I was her appointed caretaker. Just like our Golden brother always could blame his brother for all he did. But also this Golden Boy had a period when he was telling about his emotional abuse by our mother, even if he now does not remember anything about these stories if you ask him. It never happened. So many things I know happened didn't happen according to him in later years. Either he's forgotten or he's been replaced with a clone. Take a pick what you prefer. :))

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

onsdag 2 april 2014

Covert Narcissistic Sibling


Re-blog from: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/covert-narcissistic-sibling-playing-the-meek-card

This blog was spot on about my sister and how she has pitted her older siblings against each other, or atleast TRIED to. She has been very successful for years making our Golden Boy brother attack me whenever she played her pity card. She is a tough girl and she knows I am very sensitive, so she knows that our brothers aggressions against me is one major reason I have been detaching more and more from the family these last ten years. Still she pretends I do that cause "I don't care about family and am selfish" when she complains about it to our relatives.

Our Golden Boy brother had already back in the late 80's done some pretty rude things towards me, like stealing a kitty, ignoring my demands to atleast sign the contract for said kitty, having a fit in the middle of my wedding party due to his new girlfriend, who refused to come to my wedding, didn't approve of one of my guests. He didn't really seem to care about this guest, until his girlfriend minded. A girlfriend who first rudely refused to come to my wedding and then later the same summer stole a kitty from me, as it was actually this girlfriend who stole it. That event was very painful to me and I missed the kitty a long time, and my brother did know how hard I took loosing a kitty as he was there in the early 70's when I cried a whole day when our two kitties were murdered by their new owner. So yes indeed, he knew he was harming me by refusing me to ever never see the kitty again. It was awful by him and he knew it. 

So when our sister pitted this brother at me many years later, after I had hoped all this pain and treachery was left in the past, she brought up my old feelings and I was most upset he could risk his new relationship so carelessly once again. He'd risked it on several occasions by lying and slandering me, blaming me for his own ideas and doings, which made me feel him lacking a back bone and honor. But hope is hard to totally give up, so still ten years ago I hoped our relationship had some vague meaning to this brother. 

As things slowly evolved through the years and excalating last year my eyes have permenantly been opened. He was too glad to attack me and insult me again and again and believing whatever shit she made up. Nowhere do I hear him defend me or even care about the logical reasoning, but blindly and willingly imagine the most erraneous and hiddeous things about me. If she said I did this, he believed with no backing. If I said I had not, and our other brother said I was telling the truth and that he knew this for a fact, he was told he was deluded and stupid for falling for my insanity by this Golden Boy. No facts whatsoever needed for him to both devaluate what I said and our brother. 

This is so typical these dysfunctionals. They just don't function quite right. And they are easily used by a skillfulled covert narcissist, who hides behind the saint image. Our sister is so like this description below it's insane. It's written by Linda Martinez-Lewi and to read the comments you need to click the link above:

Covert Narcissistic Sibling Playing the Meek Card

Covert narcissistic siblings can tear a family apart, pitting one sibling against the other and vying for influence and specialness with the parents. The covert narcissist, unlike his grandiose, magnetic, larger than life brother or sister narcissist, this concealed type is very slippery and difficult to detect. Often he or she becomes the child and later the adult who is needy and at the same time, gives preferential treatment to mom or dad to get whatever he wants. The covert narcissist has a gift for making others feel sorry for him. He prays on the mercy of others and misuses and distorts the true reality. 

Covert narcissists are gifted at inducing guilt in their siblings. Since they are so holy and long suffering they feel entitled to make their brothers and sister feel guilty because they are not thinking of the welfare of others every moment. They emphasize in stoic toned words that they are self sacrificing, that their pain is not inordinate and wonder why the other sibling is complaining so much. She must be spoiled–that’s the reason. “You must be grateful for what you have. Think about others; I do–all of the time. You are so self absorbed I wonder whether you are a real member of this family.” This kind of projective drivel works for the covert narcissist and can be very impressive with her/his parents and other siblings. The child who is the object of this malicious scorn becomes an outcast.

If you were forced to play this painful role in your family, I am deeply sorry about all that you have suffered. You were trying to survive and you did. As you heal, remember that you had no choice. Now you do. Look deep within to that small child who is needing your warm support and approval to be your real self. You have always been the authentic one throughout your entire life. I marvel at your courage. Time to fully come into your own and know that you deserve to stand tall with hands in triumph reaching for the skies.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Hope you enjoyed the blog and my thoughts and memories. Always remember that whatever you have lived through it is YOUR life and experience. They never have to be the worst, it was YOURS, and that makes them good enough to talk about. Those telling you that your memories are nothing special are lying. Everything YOU experience in YOUR life is very special as that is the content which makes up your life. It might not be anything special to anyone else, but in many occasions you would be surprised how much comfort other people feel when they realize that other people also have issues that they have lived through and come out on the other side of. Weird as it sounds it gives comfort that other people also experienced things that was maybe not over the top horror shop like, but just very crazy and insane to them personally and emotionally.

Gaslighting is a very typical method by these sneaky covert narcissists, and sneaky as it is, it is less obvious and hence a mighty dangereous weapon. My guess is that it is a weapon that has made many sensitive people commit suicide as it leaves them totally bewildered and looking like the lying lunatics. It is devestating for the target of gaslighting. It can be hid behind caring and it can drag in every person you know. Everyone might think you have gone bonkers, and how much you try to keep what really happened in your mind, you still might start doubting yourself and eventually this doubt will manifest in depression and who knows where these sick peoples mind games takes their targets.

Like I said, many eventually after years of torment commit suicide, which I'm sure makes these narcissists very happy as a close relatives untimely death, after such tradgical mental illness, is a great source of more pity and empathy from others. What more can such a person ask for? So never ever commit suicide as that would make them happy, and who wish to make truly evil people happy by hurting all who truly love? Cause be sure, there are people who love, there are always people who love, though we might forget as we are so overwhelmed by those who do not.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane

Covert Narcissistic Snakes

Below is a re-blog from: 
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/covert-narcissistic-snakes-in-tall-beautiful-green-grasses/

This blog caught my eye due to the title - Covert Narcissistic Snakes in Tall Beautiful Green Grasses - as I had a dream about snakes hiding in tall beautiful green grass, trying to kill me who was trying to protect an old horse, which I concluded symbolized my father who had recently died. All that is in the video above for those interested in the dream. It's at the end after I tell what has been going on and my oath that this is what I truly remember of what happened. So the dream is after that, but all before is important to understand the dream as to me what happened was an attack on father and his wish to be fair towards his children, despite of being charmed by some to treat them as more. At the core he was a fair man, and didn't really wish to treat his children greatly unfairly, no matter who he loved most and wanted to be with most. But the snakes in the grass didn't want to honor his wishes and attacked me when I protected his true intent. Hence the dream of me being attacked by snakes when protecting an old, retired working horse. Father loved horses and there is no animal better representing him then an old horse pulling his load and now finally let loose on the green pasture to enjoy himself after a long hard life. 

This blog below is written by Linda Martinez-Lewi and to me it reminds me of what happened when attacked when defending fathers will. One I had no idea being a narcissist revealed himself to me when he attacked me like an insensitive bastard. He had pretended to be so empathetic on many occasions. When I told him about a very disturbing relationship we had to an ex-neighbour who turned out to be disordered in a big way, he was enraged by this persons actions, but over the years he has not only done almost ALL of what this person did, and which he claimed he was so upset about, but he's managed to do it even worse, as he came out as such a good person, caring and understanding. The other person was so clearly instable and a cheating hysterical not trutsworthy person. It was hurtful, but perhaps not that much of a shock how terrible he behaved. Of course, at any occasion a person you care about turns out to be a selfish, hateful bastard, ready to destroy you, it's always a shock. But that person was an obvious flirt, admitting to cheating on his wife, telling disturbing personal details from his and his wifes sex-life to his friends and other telltale signs. 

This person was my brother-in-law who tried to come out as the victim of a cheating narcissistic charmer, who'd fooled him to leave his wife and family, being led on by her, while she never intended to follow through herself. His story was kind of understandable, cause we are only human and anyone can fall in love and be fooled. He made a mistake and paid for it and I didn't think that proved he was a wife cheating, lying bastard. I thought he might perhaps only be naive and romantic, or maybe he didn't really marry the right girl but just a nice enough one to start with. Whatever I didn't put him down as a hopeless case, like my mother and father did immediatly. 

When I first heard about him from my sister she was not that much into him, but then he broke their short fling and after awhile she got flowers on her porch without any name on them. She told me about this and I told her it was that guy she told me about, who'd been fooled to leave his wife, and now dumped my sister to return to this luring mistress once again. She didn't believe me, as she was still not that into him and rather thought someone else must have given her those flowers. She had plenty of lovers to choose from, but I was sure that it was this man who did it, though I at that time never had seen him. You could say that it's my fault she ended up with him, as to her it was magical that I just "knew" it was him. I hoped she was right about the "magic" and hence I told our parents to give him a chance. 

First he seemed really nice, like I said, and very empathetic, but it would change and now in hindsight all the signs were there. I wish I would had understood it earlier, but this perfect guy was just another sneaky covert narcissists and he had no hesitation to attack me like he did when I threatened his plan to get a house for nothing. I do hope he didn't marry my sister due to her constant bragging. She loves to brag and make herself out as so much more then she is. Perhaps that is my fault as I kept telling her when I raised her that she was a wonderful person as I never was told that myself when I grew up and was determined to give her all positive reaffirmations I didn't get when I grew up. My sister is almost a decade younger then me, and I had to take care of myself as the brothers were of no help, being almost as young as me, and mother is a typical selfcentered narcissist who only cares for herself and her own image of perfection. She was good when you were hurt as she loved to put plasters on your wounds and look like a caring mother. She also loved to sing at your bedside at some occasions, either you wanted it or not as that did not matter to her. If she felt like singing she'd sing as long as she wanted. It was of course most of the times very tiresome as I wanted to go to sleep, not listen to all her songs. That is however how narcissists are - it's all about them and THEIR needs. 

This is the article that made me think of both my sister and her present husband - her ex-husband was nothing like this as he was very rude straight out without any false image of caring and being my friend like this false, lying man did: 

Covert Narcissistic Snakes in Tall Beautiful Green Grasses

Do not be surprised or angry with yourself if you have been fooled by a Covert Narcissist. They are among the most clever of beasts. Their image is impeccable. They can be charming in an arresting manner, unlike the grandiose narcissist who is over the top with his/her delusional visions, bombast and extreme demands of self entitlement. No, these Coverts are so slick they suck us in quietly with their pseudo authenticity. They have been practicing this and perfecting it all of their lives. This is how they survived— by being fake but very believable. They are convinced of being genuine with their pseudo humility, truthfulness and fake empathy that feels so real.

I have found that it can take some time to identify Coverts. I have been fooled by them. I was shocked later when I realized their true natures. One man, an acquaintance, struck me as very talented, truly magnetic, even spiritual. He was very handsome to boot. He looked you straight in the eyes and you began to immediately feel that he cared deeply about you as an individual. I have had only a few direct interchanges with him. I came away at first very impressed with his “character” and “empathy.” Had I been in contact with him more often, it is likely I would have seen through him sooner. I made an inquiry about finding a referral to help me with a project. He was very enthusiastic and signaled affirmatively. A bit later he adroitly pulled himself out of the matter. I registered this shift but let it go. The clincher for me came later when I discovered that he revealed his true nature. As part of an investment negotiation the CN cleverly and ruthlessly strong armed the other person involved and threatened to expose some of his personal secrets if he didn’t go along with the Covert’s agenda. The other person was sufficiently terrified and capitulated to this Covert’s treachery.
I have permanently crossed him off my list. No avenging angel will swoop down and deliver him a mortal blow. It is very likely that he will go about unscathed—manipulating most people with his arsenal of magnetism, brightness and irresistible charm.
Those who are closely involved with covert narcissists have a very difficult time. I understand and I am sorry about the pain that you have and do endure. Never blame yourself for not recognizing the true nature of these individuals sooner. When you do, pay very close attention to what your intuitions and observations are telling you.  Remember—self care is essential.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

The important message in this is that you are only a human being and as such it is typical to judge others after your own image, hence you will not without any proof believe evil about others as you yourself has no illwill towards others. Unfortunatly these narcissists are like predators luring on their kill and the coverts use fake empathy to lure you to tell them alot about yourself, which they will later use against you. If you tell them about a lethal illness, like I did to my brother-in-law, he will know that you are feeling vulnerable and use that to make you feel even worse when he believes you are down already. Weak, sick people are easy targets for these vultures. Either they will try to push them to their limits so they will give in just to be left alone, or they will use their illness as an excuse for whatever reactions they might show due to the narcissists actions. 

In my case they claimed I was mentally instable due to a lethal condition I had had a couple of years earlier and been miraculously totally recovered from more then a year ago. Or they claimed I was mentally ill due to my severe grief due to our father dying more then six months earlier. Whatever the excuse they use something they know about you and turn it to a weapon to attack you with and take away your credibility with. Do they know anything about your children and they feel it will make a good excuse, they will use that. Some snakes heard about my oldest son being beaten up in town and used that to make me out as totally wreacked by that experience. 

Instead of doing what truly empathetic people do, and support you and feel for you, these people will take a bad thing and make it so much worse by their evil gossip and storytelling. If they really knew half of the truth they'd have so much leverage on me to put me on a mental institute for good, as I surely could not be still alive as mentally weak I am according to my birth family, but they don't know even half and are making out I'd break apart for a small detail in the whole tapestry. Did they know more they'd use that as proof of my insanity, and never ever once in a million years try to be supportive and loving and caring, like true real family would. 

These people have not a clue about how loving caring families treat each other as they only care about themselves and expects their closest to adore them and do as they are told. No wonder their very few children makes faces and clearly do not feel comfortable with the roles they are given as that is what is demanded of them - to play perfect roles to reinforce their parents perfect fake images. Unfortunatly children to people like this will in most cases protect and honor their parents for most of their lives and only in rare exeptions realize how wrong this is and that most they have heard about their parents targeted individuals are lies, lies and more lies. 

These children rarely ever get in contact with you like others do. They only act on their parents demand and will pretend to be interested in you or care about you, but only cause their parent told them to. After the act you will not hear back from them, no matter what they told you while doing what their parents asked them to. I have never ever gotten an e-mail, phone call or visit from the two children of my golden siblings. Only the children of my other brother have ever shown any interest to keep in contact in the slightest way, or done anything showing they do honestly care for me or my children. And that without interference from their parents, which is what makes it look honest. 

I have never ever seen any of the other brothers children give me an evil eye or talk in an insulting rude way to me. Not at one single occasion, ever. Neither of them are perfect, but that is what makes them perfect, as perfection is to be yourself, with wharts and all. They have never tried to make me do something I do not want to do, which is respectful. Of course one is still very young, but even him and I have found each other and managed to connect honestly. I love children and if I can't connect to a child there is something not right there. In many cases it might be the parents that are not right and they have taught the child to behave this way to you, as they talk down about you and teach the child that you are not someone to respect. Children do as you do.

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane