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fredag 3 januari 2014

The Last Summer




Made a video of some family photos taken on the last summer with my birth family. The sad truth is that in any family there are sick dynamics going on which in some cases hurt some of the children deeply on a soul level.

One way of seeing there is foul play in a family is if one child is very aggressive, hurting some younger sibbling, who's unable to defend herself. That is a typical sign of built up frustration and something particularly boys are prone to do.

If you have a child that are overly trying to suck up to the parents, do everything to avoid getting blame for anything, even up to framing a sibbling, this is also a sign that things are not quite right in the family dynamics and that the children are not heard or seen the right way. The result of this special treatment of the made believe good child will most likely be that he or she in the future always will frame others and manipulate people into believing they are perfect and innocent.

If there is a child in a family that hides what they are really into and try to be as invisible as possible, maybe by cheering on the others and putting focus on others accomplishments, that is a sign too. This might be done cause that child has no selfworth and believes everyone else in the family is important and interesting, while this child is stupid, silly and only do pointless, boring things, noone could be interested in. That's a reason a child hides what they truly like, and instead only shows support for others work and doings.

It's a humility into selfdeletion in worst case and picking yourself up from that hole will surely take some support and almost magickal events to have any hope in hell to succeed, if you have been raised into that totally insecure and helpless shadow being. But life has a tendency to give just that when the time is right, often when everything seems the darkest. Not to everyone and we all know some young person who didn't make it, who ended their pain as help never came.

I often wonder why some people do not recieve this help from the universe and why some do. It feels so unfair and it breaks my heart everytime I hear about a lost young one, a beautiful soul who went home too soon cause the pain of this horrible world got too much for them. This is a world of lies and liars, so yes, it's a horrible world where a liar has more worth and respect then a kind and helpful soul who do not lie and only wish well upon others.

So what happens when these children grow up and become adults, parents and maybe even grandparents? Do you think that all of a sudden these different roles they were given by their parents to play as young ones all of a sudden goes away and they are on equal terms with equal rights between them? Of course not.

The bad boy who used to torment his little sister for fun has the stigma of irresponsible bully left as a stain. Specially if he never as an adult acknowledges any of the things he did to his younger sibblings as actually something that did happen. Minimizing it or even flat out denying any memory of the worst events will only build higher resentments, but all too often that is what the frustrated and aggressive boy will do, as in his young mind he was the victim and the smaller child he tortured had no value, no worth at the time, hence he did not even bother to remember any of the many events.

The good boy who used to get points by helping the youngest child will have this once a long time ago heroism forever on his shoulder, like some golden invisible supercape. And since he's the hero he will never acknowledge any of the actual naughty things he did, just cause he could get away with anything thanks to his good boy status. No, he will never tell the bad boy that he also was a bad boy on many occasions and that the bad boy was mostly a good boy, except when he was upset over something and acting out totally without control. Cause the good boy has control, that is his strong point, being cold and seemingly aloft over the rest of the litter.

The invisible child who felt deep shame over all her once so grand dreams, which all were destroyed ruthlessly by the parents, or atleast one parent, if not both, this child will still not be seen or heard or taken seriously by anyone. That inspite of what she's done or what she's accomplished in life. Over and over again I've seen the bullied child go to the end of the world trying to regain some kind of equality towards her sibblings, but it's always in vain.

She could have studied on university, had a resonable good career, married and raised a huge family and taken on most of the workload, dragging the children from and to daycare, school, stores, after school activities and really done her best to raise them in love and with happiness. The only cloud in the sky is always there - nothing is ever good enough to make it to the equal level of the others in the birth family. Someone decided this child was no good, and should never get anything she wanted for free, no help, no support and then, due to that, nothing she ever does can be truly good enough. This is a fact for many grown up children in these kind of families.

Of course, every family is unique so there can be several bullied children, and several good ones, bad ones and different blends in between. No family is exactly like another. How do you then know for sure that you were raised in a family that was not good for your development into a strong and selfasure person? I think one sign is that early on in your childhood a parent in one way or another sabotaged a big dream you had, and made it totally clear to you that you would never ever be able to do anything you like, ever, as long as they can help it. If that has ever happened to you, you were raised in a sick family.

If this same parent made huge efforts to help some other sibling in all his or hers endavours, it only makes it all so very worse. If all children were treated poorly it's actually better, as that can make you bond over that. But if some got bicycles, watches, cameras and help to achieve their dreams in any way or form, while others had nothing of those things it builds gaps between the children. The spoiled children will have to make it out in their heads that some people actually deserves less, and some more, to justify this unfairness.

It is this that in the end, sometime up in the teenage, will totally erase the invisible children. While the seen children have fun, have friends, do activities, have projects, the invisible ones hide in their room and do things in secret they dare not tell about, just to avoid mockery. Anything they do are ridiculous and oh so stupid.

I haven't told you the worst yet about families like this. Even if there are several children made invisible, made fun of and ignored those children will very rarely see each other either. They are most likely not only brainwashed into believing themselves to be worthless and boring, but the other one too, if there are more then one of them. They might try and stick together, but it will always be dead easy for the choosen ones to divide them, if ever they feel like it. That is cause anything the good children says are true and honorable, while all the bad children says are deluded and pathetic. Not for real, but in the brainwashed minds of people raised this way it will be so.

This means that when you one day wake up and realize that you don't want people like that in your life you will most likely not have an easy time trying to convince any sibling you are in your right mind for wanting the stuck up ones out of your life. Time and again I've seen how hard it is for people to have to hear stupid remarks, from totally brainwashed relatives who do know how bad this person been treated by their family and still they will side with the family without much hesitation. It's almost like they enjoy seeing this person being hurt and insulted.

I resently listened to a video where the guy concluded that it is exactly what they do. They want you to come back so they can keep talking shit behind your back and tell you off like you are some little stupid school girl who hasn't done her homework. So they will acknowledge the insult you've suffered but then keep up their relationship with your assulters. First behind your back perhaps, while saying that they are out of their lives, but after awhile you will notice they are so very much a part of their lives and hardly take any notice of what you really say anymore. That's the first sign. This said friend of yours starts to diss you, has a really hard time to understand the simplest of your writings and it feels like wading through mud to get a mental connection. That's the sign they've been had by the family dynamics again.

Perhaps they've been complaining about how much these nasty people came there and visited and then you hear that they are still hosting them, inspite of what they know. And they are attending their dinners, socializing with them and giving them total legitimity to what they are doing towards the person they claim to care about. Apparently that is very common and I have heard of many of those cases. The end result is that the person trying to free themself from the negative environment are by proxy of the so called friends still under that very negative influence. There is just no going away as long as any relationship is kept by people rather enjoying the company of the fun, wonderful and appreciated people in this kind of family, then the boring, dull and unappreciated person.

Saying it like that you would say "of course they would - who'd want to be with a boring person?". Mind control has made them fun, wonderful and appreciated. Just like a negative form of mind control has made the other person so incrediable dull you cannot hear anything she says. Even reading what she writes is terribly hard and gives off red alerts and warnings signs. Something just must be wrong with whatever this shunned person says, writes, thinks, draws, paints, sings, or in any way shape or form creates. Inspite of all attempts to look positive on her, try so very hard to interpretate it in a good way, there is always this suspicious watchfulness.

The good children, now grown up long ago, can invite to forums and other social networks and people think nothing of it. It's so fun to join and make them happy you've joined. But when the invisible, odd one tries the same, or even invites to a private forum she has put up for her friends, it's met with high suspiciousness and noone dares to join. The replies she'll get is that it's not safe, they would be easy targets to identity thieves, it's dangerous for their children or just plainly they have no time for things like this. Yes, even the person you've joined countless forums to please will use that last excuse to not join a forum you've created yourself, if you are the invisible one. And the rest will jolly go on and post all and everything on open forums, with not a second thought.

Cause the root of the problem, which builts up the great wall of no return between the revolting, freedom seeking family member and the rest of the pack is this schism in what some can do and what this person can do. The role of caretaker, servant, nanny, or whatever favour they think you are good for, is the box they have put you into and to even go an inch outside of that box will be punished. I call it the role of cheerleader, making the "wave" for them to make them feel special and extra ordinary. In that role you can need to be many things, but one thing they will not allow, is any form of power position.

Realizing that and then finding an old mail from 2005 where my own father had shown me a document where he stated that in case he did get too ill to handle his affairs I'd be the one to help him out, puts things that happened in 2012 into a whole new perspective. No matter what, I could not be granted that much power by the parent who's deemed me bad and by her choosen good ones. So they harassed me into signing on my sister as the one, which father had appointed me to be long time ago.

I had totally forgot about this document, which he had left with a special lawyer, who takes care of these cases. My guess is that it is still in that office somewhere, but any copy he had in his house has totally vanished and my father always made copies of things like this. It's not the only document and piece of important paper that went missing after his death. Two people had spent the weekend in fathers house after he died and admittingly had gone through his papers. Like I said, those that are good can do nothing wrong to be right. Just like the bad can do nothing right to be wrong.

Actually I believe most of the others in the family just went along with this, without remembering I'd been assigned to that office as the one, as the subject of contacting them came up, but got dissed by the sister. I will have to look up the details, but in hinesite, that is my memory of the game that was being played. I'm putting that out there so not to make you think I believe this is a big, concious conspiracy by everyone in my family. No, in fact I think it's one couple doing this deliberatly, and use brainwashing and my family dynamics to fuck with me. 

(Checked out old mails and the sister claimed 2012 that there had been contact with this office, which has the document about me being appointed by dad. But she claimed they said dad had not given his permission for anyone to do this task, which is a lie if he did give them this document. And if he didn't - were did the document go? We did not find it in his home, not on his computer, nowhere.)

In another mail from 2005 I read that father had stated that he was a victim of lies and manipulations from "them". At that time I was so brainwashed by them I believed he was just overreacting. Reading all the mails from that time again I can see he was not. And remembering the harassment I went through at the time, I was pregnant then but lost the child, it must had been much worse for him, as he was their target. After I miscarriaged I got most likely very anemic, but since I had lost all my long hair already two years prior to this I'm sure I was anemic already long before.

The photos in the videos are taken after I almost died from my deadly anemia, which I ignored as it slowly got worse until I could not walk anymore. I had to crawl one step at the time to get upstairs. My heart was racing, thumping so hard I thought it would burst out of my chest, and it bothered me since my heart doctor told me that with my condition any strain on the heart is very bad. So no elite sport career for me. At the time of the photo noone knew if I had totally recovered yet. I had also just heard my sister falsly claim to her husband she had no knowledge of my illness. Rather he asked her if she knew I had been so very ill, and she only replied with a short no, and changed the subject. 

(Checked out mails and found one from this sister, where she writes that my daughter has told her I've had bloodtransfusion. It was send the day after I was rushed to the emergency and when I was at hospital. I never replied to that mail and can't remember ever reading it, but then I had so many mails in my inbox when I returned from hospital and the headline on that thread was about dad. I remember reading about him though, but not her short question, so yes, I have proof she knew about the bloodtransfusion and they only do that when someone is dying, as it's very dangerous to give blood and you might actully risk to die from that too.)

Think about it, if your husband tells you something like that and it's true you really don't know, would you only say no, and then ignore the issue without any further questions? Would you really? In crazy land maybe, but I was in awe over the fact she even could say something like that when I knew she'd spoken to my own daughter about this issue and that she knew full well I spent two weeks on the hospital with intensive care. They drove me around for all sorts of tests in a wheel chair, cause I was not allowed to do anything physical until I was totally out of the woods.

That is nine months ago at the photo op, and still haven't I been on the big check up with my doctor to see if I have any permanent damages on all my organs or if I have cancer or any other illness poor blood circulation for a very long time can give you. So like I say in the video, noone knows. I thought at the time that they wanted to have this party due to my illness, but two days before the party it became clear to me that those pretending to arrange it really didn't care as we got a phone call about the food for the party. The message was that noone wanted to buy or prepare any real food for the party. Which was a clear message to me that noone felt any kind of urge to show me they cared that much I was still with them. Nice one!

So my husband bought the food, grilled it up on the grill really nicely. He's the one taking the photos on the top video. He started out really early and caught the manipulation going on in my birth family, to make everyone focus on the good children, as they like to portrait themselves. Look really closely on their actions, how they look at each other, their body language, and so on.

Remember this: The sister in the middle accused me a few days before my last birthday to not show any humility. Look at the photo, how she pushes me out of focus and makes sure she is in the center. (Look also how the tall brother takes after her and pushes away the oldest brother!) It's my birthday party and it's the big even one - 50 - before you get really old (wink, wink). Still she feels I'm not enough humble. Does she mean in my whole life, on this particular photo or when I refuse to lie to please her? You tell me, cause she didn't specifically tell me in what way a person needs to act to be humble, only that I needed to start show some of it and admit I could be wrong. Perhaps pushing your miraculous still alive 50 yrs old sister out of focus on her birthday party is humble enough for her?

Maybe I was not humble cause I didn't pay all their booze they drank on the party? Which I could not touch cause there was no room for us on the farm, thanks to extremly poor planning when sorting out the space, so several bed places were unavailable. So we had to drive home, in two cars, so our big family could fit in. I'm used to it, so that is just a little nothing to me, but to claim I'm not humble was the most fucktardy thing she could claim. And she knew it. Mother read her mail and she had nothing against it. She also thinks I'm not humble enough, while she at the same time says the opposite. Lets me remind you again - if you are a bad child you can never do right for doing wrong. That means that you can never be right - period.

The end result of all this is that as long as you have anything to do with these mind fuckers, you will have your mind fucked. You will never raise above the level of a sole of a sandal, while they in their own minds are flying with eagles. And they will never seize a chance to belittle you, scowled you, laugh at you, make you feel stupid, ugly, worthless, and then they will scowled you for feeling exactly that and they will come after you with insane alligations if you refuse to feel that way and stand your ground.

So to avoid being mind fucked by these once in a past life family members you need to stop associating with anyone still having anything to do with them. If you have to, keep it short, brief and polite. But don't ever reveale any of your true inner emotions and feelings to anyone still in the slightest bit contact with any of these toxic people. It would be like trying to do a detox, but still sneaking in some toxic drink and food now and then for old times sake. Just don't do it.

To make that come true you have to be really vigilante with who is communicating with who. If you hear that someone you used to trust full heartedly are now in almost weekly conversations with atleast one of them, and maybe in mail contact with another, you should be really careful and not trust them anymore with your heart. Like I said, the first sign will be that they start to pick on all bad things you do and belittle the good things. I don't mean on purpose, but subconciously.

For instance, they'll change something so it looks really odd, and then go out and show it publicly to his friends and discuss what you ment with that. It's just that it was changed, and the answer was clearly on the part that was deleted, so the friends will only think you are a bit loony or something. Which is the subconcious purpose with exposing you to such a humiliation. In families like this they love to take private messages and send them on to your worst nemesis.

So many has fallen for that little trap, trusting a kind and caring family member, who seems to understand. The joy of having someone who cares in such a family is beyond belief, so the heart flies all open and wham - the trap slams in your face. Some has even been taken with force and hand cuffs to mental wards, due to the betrayal of these kinds of illoyal families. I would stay way out of their way and trust nothing after what has happened to me. There are a few I had hoped would see the light, but as long as the toxin goes in, there is a good cause to take it really careful and not be too open hearted.

I think this is it for today and as you could see, this is for all english reading readers. Not perfect, many misspellings, but if you get were I was going I'm happy. Cheers and have a good new year!

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane