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tisdag 28 januari 2014

No Contact

From: http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/no-contact-101.html

No Contact means:

1. NO Talking To Them No Matter What Happens And No Matter What You Hear.

2. NO Letting Them Talk To You, NO Listening To Anything They Say, NO “Hearing Them Out.”

3. NO Letting Them In Your House And NO Going To Their House. If It Is Possible To Move, Then Move, Get A P.O. Box, And Don't Let Them Know When Or Where You're Going.

4. NO Phone Calls and NO Returning Voicemail Messages. Change Your Number To Unlisted and Unpublished, And Do Not Give It To Anyone You Can't Trust Not To Give It To Your Abuser. NEVER pick up the phone. Screen Your Calls. Use Caller ID Or Let Your Machine Pick Up.

5. NO Sending Or Responding To E-Mails. Block Their E-Mails, IMs, And Ability To See When You Are Online

6. NO Meetings to "Talk Things Over" Or "Work Things Out".

7. NO Communication At All Except Through Attorneys.

8. NO Cards or Letters and NO Responding to Cards or Letters. NO Birthday Cards. NO Christmas Cards. NO Mother's Day or Father's Day Cards.

9. NO Gifts and NO Accepting Gifts. If A Gift Is Sent To You, NO Acknowledging It And NO Responding.

10. NO Exceptions For Holidays, Birthdays, or Anniversaries.

11. NO Visits, Including Hospital Visits.

12. NO Letting Them Near Your Kids. If They're Too Toxic For You To Be Around, Then They're Too Toxic For Your Children To Be Around. Warn Your Children To Stay Away From Them. Notify Your Children's School To Call The Police If They Show Up.

13. NO Public Pleasantries. If You Run Into Them In a Public Place, Ignore Them, Turn Your Back, And Walk Away. If They Approach You, Say In A Loud Voice, "Leave Me Alone!" And "Do Not Talk To Me". If They Persist Or You Believe You Are Being Stalked, Call The Police.

14. NO Discussing Them With Anybody Who Has Contact With Them.

15. NO Speaking At All To Anyone Who Might Be Pumping You For Information Or Spying On You, And Reporting Back To Them. Cut Off Anyone Who Is Not Loyal To You.

16. NO Listening to Any News About Them. If you’re absolutely DYING of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return.

17. NO Giving Other People Information About You Or Your Family That They Could Carry Back To Your Abuser.

18. NO Invitations to Your Big Events and NO Responding to Invitations They Send You.

19. NO Responding To News That They Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead.

20. NO Big Announcements or Telling Them Anything About Your Life- NO Letting Them Know You're Getting Married, Moving, Or Having A Baby. NO Letting Them Know When Your Children Get Married, Where They Live, Work, or Go To School, Or When Your Grandkids Are Born.

21. Print Out E-Mails and Keep All Cards, Letters and Other Communication In A File For Future Harrassment Or Stalking Charges, But Do Not Respond.

Families come and go - Strong they united stand

No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. 

This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That's why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. 

Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to.

This comes from a very interesting site called Luke Ministries  - this website offers a Christian perspective on advice and help for 'adult daughters of controlling or abusive birth-families' - and their information is valid and useful for non-Christians too.

Coming home to your True self

I hope you will go and visit the sites this info is from as there is much more, so very much more, which could teach you that you are worth more then this. You are not anybodies play thing, a toy they can toss around and use and abuse at their own liking. You are a human being, with worth and love and care in your heart and they have spit on you and your love one time too many. And you deserve so much better. 

Don't be others doormat, don't let anyone tell you it's all in your head and that you have no right to your own observations. One of the most abusive comment well meaning "know-nothing" people will tell you is that you are a judgemental, petty, selfpittying person who are externalizing problems which for real all are only in your inner self. And who will tell you all you have to do is follow this guru or that guru and you will heal your soul from this illusion. 

These people are the most hurtful cause they devalue your own experience and play you right back into the abuse by putting the whole blame on you for feeling abused. They never listen, they only judge you and sit on their high horses of "know-it-all" telling you how to live your life and what guru to follow to do so. The thought you know your own way is foreign to them. All they see is a possible sucker, they can suck into their new religion, whatever guru they are doing their mission for. 

Never ever give away your own power again, once you've regained it from a dysfunctional family. You've seen it, and you know it, and you will not be fooled by fools. In that way you are way better off then the suckers of children who will fight to the end over being the goldiest of the goldies. 

Being a non-golden adult child gives you freedom to go away and never look back. To not stay in the middle of the triangulations, manipulations, framing, lying, blaming, crazymaking, sucking up to the alive parents and beyond death, which the goldies tend to do until they draw their last entitled breath on this earth. They will die thinking inside a small box of believes you now can gladly leave and never look back at. You don't need to be any of the horrible things they tell you that you are anymore. You are free!

Ingis Erlingsdotter - Magnolia Lane